Pretty much sums it up. I’m out of clever ideas for blog entries only I will ever read. LOL.
Not a whole lot has happened recently, to be perfectly honest.
I forgot my meds at my folks’ house last weekend (not this past weekend, the weekend previous) when I visited, so I stopped at their house briefly on Saturday to pick them up. I stayed a couple hours, watched a movie, did a load of laundry, that sort of thing, then came back home to my apartment. It didn’t make sense for me to drive 45 minutes to their house, do nothing but pick up my meds, and be on my merry, you know?
I could definitely tell that I’d been without meds for a few days, because I did almost nothing in the house, went 3 days without showering, etc.
But I’m a little frustrated because it seems to dull everything. I talked with my therapist about how it seems like the beehive where my creativity used to be just isn’t buzzing anymore. Like someone has built a brick wall over it. I was getting kind of upset about it. I used to draw all the time. Granted it was at work, when I really didn’t have the option of doing anything else, but even before that. I used to draw all the time. Or I’d get really excited about an awesome drawing I wanted to do and then in the span of 8 hours, I could go from sketch to fully completed inked and colored drawing. I don’t do that anymore, really.
I can’t tell if it’s because I’m at a different point in my life where I am responsible for things like bills (and rent, if HUD wasn’t paying my rent for the moment), or it’s the meds talking. I can’t tell the difference anymore, and it seems that I am less able to trust my own opinion of something. I’m honestly not sure. It seems that I’m currently not sure of much of anything.
I don’t want to say I feel numb because I most certainly do still feel anxiety and other things but everything just seems dulled. I had to drink 10 cups of coffee yesterday just to be able to draw for a couple hours, something I haven’t been able to do (the drawing bit, not the coffee bit) for ages.
I mean I guess it’s good if the bad shit is dulled but it seems like I am unable to hit the level of excitement for doing things that I used to be. The only thing that really gets me any level of excited anymore is grocery shopping, which is fucking weird (but I’m fat and like food, so I guess it’s not all that weird).
And like, that’s not 100 percent true all the time. I’ll laugh at stand up comedy on youtube, or at something silly my cat does, and I still enjoy playing video games.
I recently in the last few weeks got my antidepressant dose doubled, but at my next psych appointment in little over a week, I’m going to ask if we can’t go back down to the previous dose and see how that works.I have read that sometimes anti depressants can increase the very feelings they are trying to fix, and while I can’t say my depressive symptoms are worse it seems like my ability to really enjoy things has dulled a little.
My therapist said since I’m currently unemployed I feel extra pressure to feel that I’m being productive in some way, and it’s very true. I said I have a hard time sitting still to read (which I used to do literally ALL the time) because I always need to be doing something. Whether that’s playing a video game, doing a minor household chore, whatever, and she’s definitely right.
I don’t know anymore, man. Life is weird. I sometimes have a harder time being able to articulate my thoughts the way I want. I don’t want to say I’m confused because that seems to harsh a word to illustrate my point, but I sometimes find it harder to think of the word I want to use or what I’m trying to say.
Hopefully going back to my previous dose of anti depressant helps a little. At this point I don’t feel that it helps to better manage my anxiety/depression, and it only kind of dulls me into a mild stupor (which I’ve never been a stranger to, let’s be honest LOL).
It looks as if it could rain outside, so I should probably wrap this up, get my normal poke-walk taken care of, and then get my ass home.