Last night was odd. I figured I was going to stay up super late, so I thought I’d lay down for a short nap around 5:45 or so. I woke up after 8pm, confused for a moment about what day it was. I got up and played fallout 3 for a couple hours before going to bed for real, but it just threw me off. This happens every time I lay down for a nap and don’t set an alarm.
Anyway. I did some dishes this morning, but there are still some to do. I’m also going to try and get some spot vacuuming done, mainly just in front of the couch where I eat my meals, in the kitchen quick, and mainly directly around the litterbox (my cat is terrible about scattering litter everywhere). I’d like to say I’d get some tidying done in my living room, but if all I do is what I’ve already done, plus a few extra dishes and a little bit of vacuuming, I’ll be okay.
My therapist told me yesterday I need to not be as hard on myself. It’s been a recurring theme the past few months (and probably way longer than that) that I feel like no matter what I do or what work I put in or anything, it’s never enough and it doesn’t matter because life is going to take a dump all over me anyway. She also noted that I either have insanely high expectations of myself, or none at all. Which makes sense. I either have no expectations at all, or my expectations are so high that I bottom out when I can’t meet them. I’m terrified of making mistakes, being wrong. But it is kind of right, lately it seems that literally no matter what I do, I’m disappointed in myself because I didn’t do more.
It kind of pisses me off, truth be told. You mean that whether I spend all day in my underwear on the couch in a cloud of cheeto dust, or walk to the library to put in my 3-5 online apps a day like usual and do chores in the house, I’m still going to feel like shit about myself? I always thought that if I had a productive day I’d feel better about it. Lately it honestly seems like I cannot seem to feel good about anything.
I only have a few more days before I start the new anti depressant so hopefully that helps because feeling like shit literally all the time gets exhausting after a while.
Let’s see. I don’t have any really exciting plans for the rest of the day, beyond what I already talked about. I’ll probably finish up here, walk home, put a load of dishes in the sink, then perhaps do some vacuuming while the dishes soak for a little while.