Whatever.

This whole day has been kind of strange. It technically started about 3am when I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and hard boiled some eggs (for potato salad, I don’t just randomly wake up at 3am with the urge to boil eggs, lol), and played video games for like an hour, then went back to bed. Then I boiled potatoes, then while they were cooking/cooling, I threw in a load of laundry, did dishes, took out the trash, hung up the laundry to dry, and I made potato salad; all that was before 10:30 in the morning, and is pretty much the last productive thing I’ve done all day. It was such a nice day even a fat antisocial nerd couldn’t stay indoors, so I walked to the library. I had emailed myself like, 5 online apps I was going to do tomorrow after my therapy appointment, but I figured wtf and applied to like 3 of them today.

I found out my status for the dollar type store job I interviewed for a couple weeks ago is “no longer being considered”.

Great. Another interview I thought went well only for it to go completely and totally nowhere. At this point, I don’t even know why I bother applying or interviewing at all. It’s like I’m broken. I didn’t get the Casey’s job, I didn’t get this job, I probably didn’t get that seasonal art gallery clerk job I applied for last month and have thusly heard nothing back about yet. It’s still early in the season, but I’m not exactly holding my breath.

So then I’m desperate, and I end up applying for jobs I know I can’t handle, and then I can’t even relax because I know I’m making an effort, then I get ahead of myself and start imagining all the difficult situations I’d be in once I got hired, which I believe is a textbook case of counting one’s chickens before they hatch. As seen on tumblr, “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it”. LOL. No really.

And back to this swirling nightmare of “no matter how much I do in a single day, it’s never enough and doesn’t matter anyway since I can’t get a job and constantly feel guilty for existing or taking up any space at all”. Not even the 3 grocery bags of garbage I picked up around town on earth day are a drop of piss in the toilet our world is in. I keep asking myself when I’m not going to constantly lowkey feel like I’m a failure and a waste of space on our earth, and I feel like my therapy sessions have just farted down to “no matter how much or what I do it’ll never be enough since I can’t get a fucking job” over and over, every session.

I don’t know, I’m just bored with it all but without any real desire to jump off a bridge or whatever it is that destitute, depressed people normally do in that kind of situation. At the same time I’m bored with life, I’m also scared shitless of death, so figure that one out. And now we’re going to move on because I am so not having a “fuck someday I’ll be dead” panic attack in public, fuck u very much brain.

Eh, whatever, I’m already talking in circles so whatever

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