Eh, whatever.

Figured I should update here since I haven’t for a while, though I can’t say much has really changed since I last wrote.

I recently had an interview at a pizza place whose name is a lot like Plaza Hat (I don’t like to say the name of these places outright, lest it show up when you google the company) and I’m supposed to call them back on Sunday at like, 2pm. Why they can’t just call me, I don’t know, but whatever.

As with the many interviews I’ve had before this one, I thought it went okay but I’m not exactly holding my breath. I went ahead and put in another dollar type discount place application today just so I don’t feel like shit for doing nothing.

Yesterday was a shit day. I didn’t get an IM from my dad until after he’d already called and I told him about the interview, but my day basically started out in bed hysterically sobbing for 45 minutes while I listened to a guided meditation. In the message, all he had to say was “you need to look harder for a job it’s been 4 months”.

Now, I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to accomplish with this shit. Maybe in his mind it’s just a reminder and he isn’t trying to rag on me, but the reality is that my anxiety hears “SEE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK IT’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY WHY EVEN BOTHER”. I have multiple, continued discussions about this with my therapist, and it’s a running theme in my life, apparently.

Maybe he doesn’t understand how hard it is to live inside my brain, day to day. There are honestly some days I have to struggle like hell just to do the dishes and take a shower on the same day, nevermind actually DOING LAUNDRY or fucking GOING OUTSIDE. Last week I think there were three entire days where I couldn’t leave the house at all.

As I’ve said MANY times before, my dad probably means well but he’s of the older generation that doesn’t understand just how much of the job hunting process now takes place online. He’s from the school of “HIT THE PAVEMENT CALL EVERYONE” but that really isn’t how it works anymore. Not to mention my crippling phone anxiety (how I lasted almost a year at a call center is beyond me, honestly), and the fact that I really can’t afford to be driving all around everywhere job hunting, because I honestly couldn’t even afford a tank of gas right now, so what dad put in the last time he used the car is what I have until I find a job.

And you know, he’s bitching now, and he’d be bitching if I tried to constantly hit him up for gas money, so I don’t know what else he wants me to do.

He has problems in his own life that he hasn’t or refuses to address, and I’m just trying to fucking survive my own crap, so I really try not to dwell on it.

I guess a development I forgot to mention was that, for three months, I’ve once again been approved for food stamps, which was good because I was almost literally out of everything.

A setback is that since dad is currently paying my bills, I have to report that shit as income on my housing assistance, and that might affect the amount of rent they pay, which is bullshit. It’s not income, he’s paying my bills because quite literally I only have 50 dollars in the bank. Until such time as my tax return goes through, I literally have 50 bucks to my name, and I have to keep that in the bank to keep my account open.

I think the reason that I don’t speak up to my parents about certain hurtful things they say is because they currently do so much for me, I don’t feel I have the right to complain. I suppose I haven’t been as courteous to them in the past as I should have been, so right now, I just kind of lie down and take it because for the current moment, without their assistance, Life would have long since bent me over a desk and reamed me without lube. Sometimes it feels like it already has.

It’s hard to deal with this shit knowing how much worse some people have it. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, how can I possibly feel bad because I know there are starving homeless people, that kind of thing.

I’m honestly not going to dwell on it too much right now because I’m coffee hyper and actually in a good mood, so let’s move on.

Let’s see. I’ve been playing a fuckload of dragon age games lately. I just finished another playthrough of Origins, and for the first time imported the world state into a game of Dragon age 2, which I THEN plan to import to a new game of Dragon Age Inquisition. This game really is filling the huge skyrim sized hole in my soul. Skyrim is my first love, but I’ve been playing it for 3 years and until such time as I can either 1, afford ESO, or 2, they release another ES standalone game, this is where it’s at.

I’m literally obsessed with dragon age shit right now. Which feels weird to say as a 30 year old “adult”. I might be 30 but I’m still a single, fat nerd who lives alone with their cat so take that however you will. LOL.

Hey, I could have just kept sitting on my ass after like 3 hours of video games, but I felt it prudent to at least get off my ass and go for a walk to the library. Nevermind that the library is a pokemon go stop and I literally would never leave my house if it weren’t for the pokemon go app, but that’s another tale for another time, I guess.

 

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