Ugh.

I’m in the second week of a new job,  and today is only my 3rd real shift. A pizza place on a Friday night,  5-10pm. I won’t be alone, and it’s a fairly small place that only does dine in and carry out, no delivery, but I’m still pretty much shitting my pants right now.  The biggest way ny anxiety manifests itself is I’m pretty much always on high alert for something to go wrong. I’m terrified at the prospect of being overwhelmed and having customers mad at the company knowing it’s my fault.

And I hate this shit where I don’t work until the evening because I don’t have the energy or drive to do anything all day bc I have to save up my energy for work.  Or I’ll be in an okay mood all day but then about an hour before I have to work I get really upset and stressed out like I am now.

I never used to be this bad. Granted I didn’t like being a cashier but my first cashier job that I was at almost 3 years, I never sat and cried for hours bc I didn’t want to work.

I saw my therapist a couple days ago and talked about how a lot of stuff that’s happened in my life,  I absorbed the guilt for (I think her words were it stuck to me). Like, I absolutely have done stupid shit in my life that was my fault, but I guess that I always assume that everything is my fault. And I am so used to fucking up or not being good enough  that I just assume off the bat that that is what’s going to happen. Because it’s easier than thinking otherwise. Because if I assume the worst right off the bat, I might be surprised, but if I hope for something better, it’ll be that much more disappointing when it doesn’t happen. I hate it and I can’t stop.

This is a big reason I isolate myself.  I hate how automatically negative I am and how it affects the way other people view me. Nobody likes a constantly negative downer who shits on everyone’s happiness.

I’m constantly afraid I’m going to let people down. Summarize my life so far, and aside from meeting most of Oingo Boingo  (sans Danny), meeting Howard Jones, and meeting Thomas Dolby, I’m pretty much a failure.

I’ve had lowkey suicidal ideology forever. It’s like I’ve honestly lost the will to really live, but I’m also scared to die and would 100 percent never even attempt to kill myself. So I feel like I’m just constantly wading through neck deep bullshit looking for little distractions. That’s why I play so many video games. Why I end up watching the same 5 or 6 things on netflix because I’m never in the mood for anything.

I have to start getting ready for work, but I may come back afterwards. Idk

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