Ask me why, I don’t know…

…You ask me why and I say
Now you see me now you dont
I thourght by now youd learned
Youre gonna get your fingers burned

-The Alan Parsons Project.

Okay. I’m not in a great mood. Great way to initiate posting in this blog again, right?

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with the public defender. I went to the courthouse, where I’ve gone for all my other appointments (I’ve made those all). Apparently, she has an office in another building, but do you think anybody thought to tell me that? No. So I get to the courthouse, they say it’s not on the schedule, so that was that. I left. I learned the next appointment I have to make is on August 27th, so I thought I just wrote it down for the wrong day.

I didn’t tell my mother this because I thought it better that she didn’t find out she made a trip to Mason for nothing. So the rest of the day was good. I walked to Coffee Cat, had a raspberry iced chai, it was great. I drew a little bit in my mini notebook, went to a couple of stores with mom, it was great.

Till we got home.

There was a message on my phone saying I’d missed the appointment. I was confused, because I didn’t learn until I called the office again that she has a seperate office that I should have been going to for all my appointments. Although nobody told me that. I just showed up at the courthouse and the person I had to meet with always seemed to be there. Only the courthouse didn’t tell me that all those times I had appointments, they’d had to call her to come in. Go figure.

This is making me look really bad, when it’s not my fault. Well you should double check. If there’s no doubt, I don’t fucking double check. If I made a concrete appointment with someone and nobody thinks to tell me I’m not doing what I should, it’s not going to occur to me to double check.

That was bad enough. Then this morning I was supposed to meet with her at noon at the Perkins here in town. I even had it written down. Thursday, noon, perkins. I have the sheet to prove it. So I get to Perkins and call the office… Well apparently she had it written on her calendar as Friday. When I’d repeated multiple times on the phone yesterday “THURSDAY, NOON, PERKINS” and even had it written down.

And then I get a nice lecture from my father about how oh, it’s never my fault, blah blah blah, yadda yadda… you should have double checked, blah blah…

I did double check. Double triple and quadruple checked. Even had it WRITTEN DOWN on the fucking sheet of paper I had in front of me, and he’s still trying to pin it on me. Then he tried to guilt trip me about oh, his first real day off in 9 days and he couldn’t make any plans because he had to take me to the stupid meeting.

Um. My brother doesn’t work today. He could have driven me. Don’t use this as an excuse for you not being able to make plans for your day off. Don’t give me that fucking humongous piece of steaming bull shit, goddammit. You didn’t HAVE to agree to take me. You could have asked David, and made plans. Besides. He gets up at like 5 am. He could have made plans for five hours, then been at home around noon to take me, then could have scooted off after that. Don’t fucking make me look worse than I already fucking am.

I am trying here, I really am, but nobody sees that. They just see misunderstandings that contrary to what they think can not be pinned solely on me. They just keep bringing up everything in the past. Like all the other times I’ve gotten shit wrong. These misunderstandings were NOT my fault. Maybe partially, but they’re acting like I’m just trying to skate through this whole thing and be irresponsible about it. Fuck them. They don’t know shit about what I’m doing. They don’t know shit. Because it’s “not what they would have done”, it’s wrong.

Then move out. What the fuck do you think I’m trying to fucking do? I’m not trying to act the same and expect something different, I’m honestly trying as hard as I can on some of this shit and all anybody ever sees is how I fuck up. Not the shit I get right. How about acknowledging some of that? A little encouragement goes a long way.

And it’s not as if I do all this shit on purpose. I don’t fuck up on purpose because contrary to what you may believe I don’t enjoy being yelled at and people being disappointed in me. Not on my list of favorite shit to do in life.

I am trying goddammit. I am trying. Sure I’ve been trying for a while but I’m still fucking TRYING. At least I’m trying at all.

But of course I can’t be believed, apparently. I repeated it on the phone multiple times. Wrote it down. So it’s not my goddam fault she wrote it down on the wrong day on her calendar.

Although, watch the secretary be a complete idiot and have told me it was tomorrow only for the fucking public defender to have called my house and asked where I was.

Then I’d get a whole nother ear ful when I get home. They’ll be all, well you should have double checked. It’s like, no matter who’s fault it is, it’s always MY fault because I didn’t do something or other. I didn’t double check, which I did. I didn’t do this or that, or this or that. I’ll get more of the “It’s always something else” speech.

But enough of that. It’s not going to ruin my entire day, I refuse to let it do so. If this entry seems a bit strange, it’s because sometimes I go to add a line farther up in the entry and end up getting on a tangent and forgetting there is a paragraph underneath what I’m writing. ^^;

Anyway. On a lighter note, I recently tried some rather unique soda sweetened with stevia leaf instead of sugar, and it has literally no calories fat or anything, and only the cola kind had caffeine in it. Drawback? I can only get it at Hy-Vee and it’s 99 cents a can. No matter. I liked the cola, cherry cola, and rootbeer kinds the most, the orange was passable and the sprite type lemon lime was okay I suppose but I wasn’t a huge fan. I also got some fruit leather which I could consider a healthy alternative to fruit roll ups… LOL
 I’ve also been riding my bike to the library a few times a week for a week or two now. It is harder than walking but seems to be a lot faster, plus it gets a little bit easier every time I do it. I bought these flat earth chips that have half a serving of vegetables in every serving. They are gone now lol but when I get paid I’m probably going to get some more, plus more of the stevia leaf soda. I’m drinking more water. All that jazz. I even started cleaning my room (I vacuumed it and rearranged a couple things) although I haven’t been able to look at the huge pile on my floor for a day or two. There’s a possibility I might do a little something in there today but chances are I’ll put it off till tomorrow. 

And, I know next to nobody reads this blog anyway, but I’ve started an opinion blog that has more direction than this one that you can find here:

I would greatly appreciate opinions. It’s a bit depressing to put effort into an entry and have nobody read it.

I also have a dream blog if anyone’s interested in that: