I guess it’s been a while.

I guess there’s a lot of shit I haven’t talked about here.

For one thing, I lost my job at Shit ko in September, and I’ve been jobless since then. I had about three days between knowing the landlord wanted me out and actually having to be out, though former roommate “was sure she told me the right date”. I had to move back in with my folks, and at first it was great, but now my anxiety levels are way back up.

My little Halloween trip was great, although just about everything that could go wrong, did.

Idk, I’m just back to feeling like I’m a huge burden on everyone. I don’t have my own room here so I’m constantly feeling like I’m in everyone’s way. My parents are going through a really rough time and remind me almost daily that they can’t support me indefinitely. They don’t do it in a mean spirited way but it’s like, I know. I don’t need to be reminded that I’m a piece of shit every single day. I’m trying, but honestly my anxiety is almost back up to pre shit ko firing levels. I find it extremely difficult to do simple things like take a shower, or get dressed, and help my parents do chores around the house.

Once again, I haven’t told them just how bad it has gotten. I literally self harmed for the first time in years and I alluded to part of it with my sibling but I feel like I’m losing it again. I always thought progress was a linear thing, and kept going once you started it. Anything less than this unrealistic view and my brain interprets it as SEE YOU FUCKED UP AGAIN YOU PIECE OF SHIT. This has been the hardest year of my life, and hasn’t been a cake walk for my parents or my sibling either, and it’s just like… when do we finally catch a break? Aren’t good things supposed to happen to good people? What did we do to deserve this kind of misfortune?

I was trying to look forward to the holidays but honestly with how this year has gone, I don’t see what’s to look forward to. I’m literally only looking forward to Thanksgiving so I can play with my cousins’ cats, as I had to get rid of mine when I moved back in with my parents.

Everyone’s getting my shitty art for Christmas because I don’t have any money.

I did make an appointment to start seeing a councilor around here, and my original appointment was set for the 8th of December but it’s been pushed back to the 18th, and I’m not happy about it. It’s actually really rude, but I was civil to them because I didn’t want their first impression of me to be that I’m a huge bitch.

As of right now I’m working on doing the dishes and trying not to have a panic attack. I’m kind of trembling. I’m just sick of feeling so hopeless all the time, so I go to my friends for help, only to feel worse because I feel like they always have to comfort me but I can never provide the same help to them.