Pondering things

You know, sometimes I miss using song lyrics as the headers for my entries, but as one irate person commented on a years old blog entry, my “shitty bitching” popped up on their google search while they were searching for the lyrics to said song.

I mean, I’m not going to quit doing things just because they piss one little person off, but it just so happened that said irate blogger had a point.

Anyway, that’s not even what I came here to talk about.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but it seems that I’m a much more chill person about some things than I used to be.

I’m still not sure about the structure of that sentence but I’ve typed it like 4 or 5 different times and it still doesn’t sound right. Anyway…

It seems like I give less and less of a shit what other people do, or what they like. In a good way, though. Like, hey, if I don’t like something, I’m just going to fucking ignore it. And I’m not going to give people that like it a hard time. Why would I want to drag someone down over something they like?

I mean, there is lots of shit I don’t care for in the least, like country music, most conservatives, Fifty Shades of Grey, and so on, but I just leave it at that. I mean,I can state that I don’t like it and move on.

In some ways I feel a bit behind because I should have realized some of these things a long fucking time ago. And with this, I kind of did. I just noticed gradually that I gave less and less of a shit about things that didn’t matter.

Like for instance, if something isn’t hurting you, fucking ignore it. Don’t like country? Don’t listen to it. Don’t like lima beans? Don’t eat them. Don’t like abortions or gay marriage? Don’t get one.

I’m not sure why people get all up on their high horse about some of that crap.

It’s what the bullshit christian argument over gay marriage, abortion, and whatnot boils down to.

You can think something is wrong all you like, we live in a country that allows that sort of thing. What you aren’t allowed to do is force and push your beliefs on other people and want to run an entire country based on avoiding something you dislike.

Just because you hate something or it offends you, doesn’t mean you have the right to ban it for other people.

Now me personally, I don’t know how I feel about abortion. No woman should be forced to have a baby she doesn’t want, or can’t afford,

Now me? Even if I could financially support a baby as well as myself, I know I couldn’t handle it emotionally. Now babysitting, I’d be down for. I like kids, they’re silly, they’re goofy, and I wouldn’t mind maybe planting some seeds in their head that I wish someone had planted in mine when I was a kid. But I know I could never handle being a parent as a full time job, which is what it is.

Even though I consider life to be kind of special, I would never want to force another woman to go through with a pregnancy, just based on that. It’s none of my business.

It’s the same with gay marriage. I can’t believe that we’re ignoring real problems like bailing out banks, giving tax breaks to the wealthy, all the chemicals put in our food, purposely not improving inner city areas because poor people  and people of color happen to live there, pushing aside renewable energy, and on and on, in favor of an argument we shouldn’t even still be having in twenty fucking thirteen.

Even if you don’t agree with it. I personally think as long as you and the person you want to marry are both of age and consenting, fucking go for it. Any color of the rainbow, any gender or no gender or what the fuck ever, do what you want. It doesn’t affect me in the slightest.

I mean, I personally agree with whatever. You were born in a man’s body but you’re a girl? Cool, I have a girl friend instead of a boy friend. Identify as genderqueer? Nice, just let me know which pronouns to use so I don’t offend you.

Like even if all that stuff offended me it wouldn’t be my place to say. It’s your house and your life, do whatever the fuck you want. Until it starts straying into bullying territory or something. I honestly don’t give two shits what anyone else does unless it starts being controlling, or shitty, or something. I’m fine with people being christian, what I’m not fine with is cults like the westboro baptist “church” spewing hate in the name of their god. Things like that. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, do whatever the fuck you want.

I guess what I started off saying is that over time in certain instances I find myself caring less and less about things that don’t really matter.

Of course, this is a fairly good day as far as mood and anxiety go, I’m sure my view would be a little skewed if I were having a high anxiety day. Of course, even though I’m working at it, there’s still a lot of progress I still have to make and lots of things I still have to do. It’s just that at random times, little thoughts like these pop into my brain.

Speaking of doing things I have some laundry to get to

On the other side of 27

As you may or may not know, I am now 27 years old. I can’t say it feels much different than being 26. This is going to make me sound old, but all the birthdays after 21 have pretty much felt the same.

I think part of the reason I’ve got such an aversion to aging is how ageist our culture and media are. Which is stupid. Everyone knows the people in the concealer makeup ads are photoshopped so hard they look like barbies, and the models in the mascara commercials have fake lash inserts. Anti-aging cream ads all use models that aren’t even old enough to have any wrinkles, and I’m supposed to think this shit makes any difference at all for people who actually are older? As tumblr would say ‘I can’t even’.

I don’t know what I’m so worried about because people still think I’m 18 if they don’t know any better.

I like to pretend I don’t give a shit what other people think about me at all, but that isn’t quite true. I mean most of the time, no I don’t give a flying fuck, but it bothers me a lot more than I let on.

I have a weird complex about people liking me. Like I’m paranoid of making people unhappy with me. I don’t know, I’m not explaining this very well, but I get terrible anxiety sometimes because I worry I’m pissing people off or annoying them and they’re not telling me. I guess this ties into the age thing because I guess I’m worried that fewer people will like me once I get to the point where I start really showing my age.

Which is weird, because if people don’t like me, it’s because I’m a weird, lazy shitstain, not because I’m getting older.

Whatever. Today is one of those days when I literally give no fucks, so I’m sure the perspective would be different if I was writing on one of the not so good days.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, my birthday. I got a pretty good haul as far as gifts go. I got an oversized Doctor Who postcard, a Doctor Who coffee mug, a necklace and earrings, a caramel turtle, a smore, a sketchbook, and goddammit I know I’m forgetting something, but yeah, Oh, I got a 10 dollar gift code for amazon.com which I used to order chocolate jammie dodgers. I forgot the gift code when I ordered a pin on amazon, but whatever it was like three bucks.

Speaking of which, I recently developed a new band obsession. I thought I was too old for this shit, but obviously not. Last week I watched Nightmare Before Christmas. I’ve seen it a bazillion times, so I’m not sure why this time was so different from any other time, but I was like, “You know, I know that Danny Elfman dude had a weird band in the 80s, I wonder what they sound like beyond Dead Man’s Party and Weird Science”. Because, other than the song “Stay”, I knew literally nothing else they had ever done.

My mom had a greatest hits cd that I borrowed, and I soon grew to love every song on there.

So, I also own the movie Corpse Bride, so I watched that, which I’ve also seen a million times.

There are several behind the scenes featurettes on the dvd, and one of them was talking with Danny Elfman, and I don’t know, but a switch just clicked in my head. For a few days, I just listened to their music, not looking up pictures or videos, because I was afraid I’d have another mega crush on the dude.

And I was right.

Always me with the derpy men, although it’s pretty weird to be crushing on an American for once, as most of my music crushes are from across the pond.

Like, the music is fantastic, and part of me is wishing I’d looked them up way earlier, but I don’t know that I’d have really gotten into it. I feel like it clicked at exactly the right time, if that makes sense. I’m at a place where I’m open to it, whereas I feel like just a couple years ago I’d have turned up my nose at most of it.

But then again, I don’t know.

Whatever. This entry is already way longer than I anticipated so yeah


Hello I suppose.

I guess I haven’t written in this blog since June so here you go.

I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about but that’s never exactly stopped me before.

In almost 5 days I’ll be turning 27. It makes my adult friends laugh when I say this, but I really don’t want to be this close to 30.

Adult friends? Jesus that makes it sound like I’m friends with porn stars or something.

No. Okay. You know what I meant.

Seriously though, it’s really pretty surreal to think about. I remember being in middle school going “I have such a long time until high school, I don’t have to worry about that grown up stuff like jobs and grades and whatever” so it’s pretty weird to think that I’m entering my late 20s.

I don’t feel almost 27, and in fact 95 percent of the time I’m mistaken for an 18 or 19 year old. I’m not complaining, quite the contrary actually. I find it pretty amusing, especially when I go to buy alcohol and the cashier asks me for my ID in that “there’s no way you’re old enough to buy this” tone of voice. Several years ago, a manager at a grocery store did something similar, I was buying like a wine cooler or something, and he walked past the cashier whose line I was in and went “Are you sure you’re old enough to buy that?” and I went “Pretty sure, sir, I’m 24”. I wanted to call him a douche but most of the time social anxiety keeps me from being rude to people for no reason.

Anyway, I got off track. You’ll have to forgive my loopiness today. And every other day. But especially right now.

Let’s see. Work has been… eh, work. But the manager did tell me he noticed my metrics had been better lately and told me good job, which would mark about twice that he’s actually given me any sort of decent praise. We’re into donation season, where we have to ask every customer if they want to donate to St. Judes, which is a reputable thing to donate to, but in previous years I’d just stop asking because nobody seemed to want to donate.

This year, I’m trying really hard to stay on that, and see if me getting better numbers may help me get a few more hours. I doubt it, but whatever. My moods have been better at work but I think that has more to do with me getting only three days a week than my attitude adjusting.

Let’s see. What else. Oh. I guess I haven’t mentioned that on November 5th, I’ll be making another bus trip to Minneapolis to attend another Thomas Dolby show. This time he’s touring with a short film he made, called The Invisible Lighthouse.

I feel a bit guilty about it because I make even less money now than last year when I went on my concert going spree, but the difference this time is, for people who bought the VIP package, there will be a meet and greet after the show.

Naturally I bought the VIP package in addition to the normal admission ticket. I also only bought a one way bus ticket to Minneapolis. WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO STAY THERE.

Actually I’ll wait until my next paycheck to buy a return ticket. Actually, I’ll probably wait until the next paycheck after that to buy the return ticket. Part of the reason for that being that I skipped a student loan payment in order to buy the VIP package.

Well, I didn’t so much skip a payment as I just decided to pay September and October’s student loan payments all in one go this month.

Which, yeah, doing that sort of thing isn’t advisable, but it’s kind of something I felt like I had to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a chance to meet this guy since I figured out who he was and how present his music (or at least, music he wrote) has been during some of my formative years.

As I did with Howard Jones, I want to bring along a couple of my drawings in the hopes that I can get him to autograph one and perhaps accept one as a gift from me. This is one of those weird childhood things I still do, giving people art, but in the case of a musician I feel like I should give something back if I can.

I don’t know, I’m weird that way.

Anyhoo. We’re currently in the middle of a thunderstorm of sorts. According to the radar we’re going be hit with some more rain but we’re closer to the edge of the giant cluster of weather than to the middle, so I think we’ll be fine.