When she was “22” the future looked bright

But she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night/I see that look in her face, she’s got that look in her eye/She’s thinking how did I get here and wondering why

-Lilly Allen

I thought I’d get back to my roots and use song lyrics where they were applicable. I say get back to my roots, because I used to title almost every entry of mine with a song lyric.

I promised to be more regular with the pictures, but none of the pictures I took today came out, or it was one of those instances where the food just didn’t take a good picture.

It’d be like tater tot casserole. It’s delicious, but it’s not the prettiest food to photograph, you know? Same went with my meals today, but we’ll get to that in due time.

Shortly, actually. My day today was pretty boring. It was kind of cold, and it snowed for most of the day, so I didn’t go anywhere. I plan to get to the library tomorrow, because my books are due. I’m not going to turn them all in but rather renew a couple of them. I could just call the library and renew over the phone, but I want to get to the library to check some other things out, and maybe get a couple movies.

Plus I want to grab a can or two of soda. When you consider the grand scheme of things, I have been doing really well in the realm of cutting back on soda, although there is progress left to be made.

I’m sorry to tell you that I didn’t exercise today, because my dad had the day off from work, and I didn’t get enough time alone in the house to do so. Also, my back and knees have hurt lately, also my allergies are flaring up because I’m stuck in this dusty old house most of the time.

Case in point right now. I have a raging sinus headache that makes me want to claw out my eyes.

I made a pineapple upside down cake today, to make use of some pineapple we have in the fridge. Last week I cut up and sliced a pineapple that mom bought at the grocery store. It came out pretty well. I’m too lazy to hook up the camera and go through all the trouble to have that be the only picture I upload, so you can probably expect to see it tomorrow.

I also wanted to make a recipe to take advantage of the pineapple slices that were less presentable…. it’s this pineapple carrot bread, the recipe of which is underneath the zucchini bread recipe in the better homes and gardens cookbook we use. I didn’t end up making the bread today  because we’re out of flour… and regular sugar. I actually had to use brown sugar in the pineapple upside down cake. Actually I lied about the flour. We have about 3/4 of a cup left, but the recipe calls for a cup and a half.

Oh well. That can wait a couple more days, but any longer than that and I’ll be freezing the pineapple slices. Don’t want ’em to go bad.

Also I need to find a use for the 1 and a half roma tomatoes we have left. I’ll probably just eat those sliced on sandwiches or in a salad or something.

Speaking of food, we have a bucket that we keep onions in. Just this morning I discovered one of them has sprouted and has cute short green shoots growing out of the top.

I want to plant it in a pot. Tomorrow I want to see if we have any potting soil, and then find something to plant the onion in, until the weather gets nice and we can plant it outside. That reminds me. I need to water the plants. Lol

Anyway. I really mean it when I say I had a boring day. I was up way earlier than I wanted to be, because I overheard my parents talking yet again. I really wish I had a door on my room, because when my parents get up at like…4:30 or 5am… I would really like a door to drown out some of their chatter, because I am not made to be awake that early unless there’s a good reason for it.

So I was up way earlier than I usually am. It’s nice in a way, but sometimes I would just rather be asleep. Anyway. I bake the pineapple upside down cake like… before 9. I’m thinking around 8 something.

I went through some more stuff in my room. I didn’t come up with anything else to give away yet, but I did come up with a bunch of paper garbage I can do without. I’m going to find containers of mine in the basement to go through to see what I can get rid of.

There are some things that I really want to keep, and other things I’d just as soon take a picture of it (so I at least have a record of it) but throw the actual paper thing out. Some of this stuff is just sitting in my room in the basement, gathering dust. Also, a lot of it’s written stuff, so I could easily type all that stuff up in a single document, and throw out the paper counterpart.

I’m discovering that I really have a lot of stuff that I’m attached to in my room right now. I went up there with the intent of finding two bags of stuff to throw or give away, but I’m afraid there’s not much more up there I would imagine wanting to part with.

My reasoning for all this? It may just be talk, but my parents got into a huge fight, a fight they have all the time, and there’s been mention of possibly splitting up, and my dad basically told me “If we split up, you’ll have nowhere to go. I’m not going to pay all your bills and support you”.

Which… I’m torn about this. I’m 24. I should be out on my own. But the problem is… I cannot find a job to save my life. I keep looking in papers and filling out/turning in applications, and even if I get interviews, I don’t get the job. I try to make myself sound really great and a good fit for the job… but it comes down to experience. I just don’t have retail experience, and if nobody will hire me because I don’t have experience, then I won’t have experience, and people will keep not hiring me because of my lack of experience.

It’s also a bit frustrating when my dad keeps bitching at me like I can just go to a warehouse somewhere and pick out the job I want, and it’s as easy as that. Even when I do actively look and put forth effort, my dad thinks that because I don’t have a job, I’m not really trying.

Sometimes I’m tempted to do nothing at all, because I get the same reaction whether or not I make an effort. I’m motivated to look for work for my own reasons, but it’s discouraging when nobody can tell the difference between when I’m actively looking and when I don’t give a shit.

Still. It scares me. Maybe I’ve been trying to distract myself from these things before now, but… if they kick me out, I will literally have nowhere to go.  We have no other family that lives around here. My aunt that only lives a couple hours away is a bitch, and doesn’t like us, or me, so she wouldn’t be offering anything up. My grandma? She’s nice, and awesome and all, but she probably wouldn’t either, since she favors my aunt over my mother and our family.

My cousins live out of state. All of my old college friends, or current friends… they either live out of state, or they have real lives. They’re pregnant. They have kids. They’re married. I haven’t kept in good enough touch with them for them to be willing to take me in, I’m guessing.

And the local homeless shelter that isn’t just for men? You can only stay there a max of three months, then you’re back out on the street.

Also…Where is all my stuff going to go? I have LPs and 45s that are special to me. I have stemware and depression glass that is special. I have stuff I kept from my great aunt and uncle’s house.  I have stuff from my past that is very valuable to me.  What would happen to all of that?

So that’s part of the reason I’ve been trying to throw some stuff out and get rid of some stuff. If I have to get kicked out or moved into some shelter, I’ll want to try to cut down on the volume of stuff I have.

I have a feeling my parents will resist kicking me out for a while, for the sake of my brother, but even that will only last so long.
I’m trying not to freak out about this right now, because for the moment everything is holding together, but the thought of being homeless scares me.

Anyway, I’m going to list what I ate today, then I’ll be temporarily escaping my problems through the use of facebook apps, and watching Whose Line Is it Anyway videos on youtube.

 

Breakfast- a bowl of oatmeal squares.
Lunch- Two chicken legs, and some taco chips. I also had two graham crackers smeared with peanut butter and buttercream frosting. It’s homemade buttercream, which I am trying to use up, because it’s over a week old and needs to be used up.
Dinner- a sandwich with thin sliced turkey, sliced tomato, and some sliced cheddar cheese. I had a piece of the pineapple upside down cake for dessert.
I may have a package of fruit snacks, or some cereal to munch on, but that would be it.  Also I’m still brainstorming better format and ways to make this stuff more interesting, so never fear. Anyhoo, I suppose I’ll talk to you all later

May he turned ’21’ on the base at Fort Bliss “Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist, “Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”

Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while/But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles/Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

-Anna Nalick

Well kids, it’s day 21 and to be honest, today has been kind of…err… subdued. I won’t explain why, but if you are reading this from facebook and wish to read yesterday’s passworded entry, shoot me a message there on fb and I’ll give you the password. And really… the password was just a precaution. It’s highly unlikely that anybody in my family would run across this blog anyway, but I thought just in case, I would password yesterday’s entry, to avoid any conflict.

I’ve learned one thing about blogging, and it’s… be careful who you talk about, or at least who you name.  I find it works much better to be somewhat vague… vague enough so that if the person in question ever reads this, they can’t flat out accuse me of talking about them.

Anyway, we were discussing my day. As I said, not much went on really. I went through some of my things in my room, and in my rubbermaid containers in the basement, and I came up with two bags of stuff to give away. Some are cassette tapes I never listen to, there was a pair of sweatpants I will probably never wear again, even if they fit me, and some of my beanie babies. I still have all the bears that I so enthusiastically collected for several years, but some of the others…

My reasoning was… All these are doing is sitting in the basement, taking up space and collecting dust. If I donate these to the second hand store… mothers might buy them for their kids, and kids will actually play with these. Get them dirty. Rip the tags off. Love them like a kid loves a stuffed toy. You know? They’re not doing anything for me, whereas a kid may actually enjoy the fact that said toys exist.

I still have a lot of shit I should go through. I’ve been thinking, in the last day or two. I’m not always going to live here. When that day comes where I move out, or am kicked out, I’m going to have a rather large volume of stuff that will suddenly need to be moved someplace. Even if I get an apartment, I can’t imagine I’ll be in a big apartment, so I literally won’t have room for all my stuff. I already barely have room for the massive amount of shit I have.

Also, during my time I’ve accumulated a lot of paper stuff. Old notebooks. Stuff I printed off the computers when I was in high school. Old art. Things of that nature. Eventually, I’ll need to go through all of those and decide what I can part with, taking pictures of the stuff I want a record of.

Still. Coming up with two whole bags of stuff to give away, I was proud of myself for that. I can be quite the pack rat, keeping something simply because I’m worried I’ll want it and miss it later if I get rid of it.

Really, I can’t think of anything else important that I did today, short of doing some dishes. I watched the SAG awards, which was pretty amusing. I loved almost all of the dresses, but I still wish the men would wear something other than fucking boring old black suits. Same old same old. Mickey Rourke should go to every single awards show whether or not he has anything to do with it, simply because HE WEARS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. He doesn’t dress like all the other guys, and I like that.

But anyway. Onward with the food bit. Forgive me for being lazy and forgoing the bulleted list today.

Breakfast- A cinnamon raisin bagel, with cream cheese.
Lunch-A soft shell taco and some taco chips
Dinner- A really awesome sandwich, with my homemade barbecue sauce spread on the bread. I sliced half a small roma tomato (I think that’s what it was, I can’t remember), and a section of a particularly large green pepper, and put that on the sandwich with thin sliced turkey, and a slice of cheese. I also had some taco chips with that.

In addition to meals, I had a few gummy bears, some licorice, like half a cup of coconut sorbet, and a small bowl of popcorn. So, not bad.

Well kids, that’s about it for today’s entry. Starting tomorrow, I plan on going back to being more exacting in my recording of food, and I’ll be keeping up with listing all the food I ate in a nice bulleted list, either at the beginning or the end of the entry. I like it being at the end, but perhaps I could put it at the beginning, so those who are only interested in the food part may skip the rest of my babbling. But if I put it at the end, they’ll read my whole blog. Lol. I’ll decide that later.

See ya.

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19 out of 20 doctors think that out of 20 doctors, one person will always disagree with the other 19.

Modified from a Whose Line quote that Colin made. I think his was about 9/10 dentists, but I needed something that pertained to nineteen, because this is my 19th entry.

And there’s still nobody reading this blog at all. Awesome. Actually. ONE person on facebook said they read it once, but they probably haven’t read it since then so I don’t know if that counts.

Alright, so, there aren’t any pictures again today, mainly because I was too lazy to take them. Despite my laziness today, I am planning on making pictures an everyday occurrence, so don’t worry. Also, next week I’m planning on going back to being a bit more accurate with my food journaling. I mean… I’m not going to count calories and shit, but I am going to be more exacting. Also, I’m going to try to follow the Weight Watchers point method on my own, after making a list of common foods and their values so I don’t have to google the name of every single food I eat before I eat it.

Anyhoo. For breakfast, I had a bowl of special k chocolatey delight, or whatever the fuck it’s called. I did a bit of the strong knees workout, but my back and knees have been bugging me like hell after that day last week that I basically spent 9 hours in a row on my feet, in the kitchen. I’ve been trying to go fairly easy on it so I don’t exacerbate any back issues. I would have done the walking workout I like, but my knees were really killing me, and those can be a bit tough on my knees.

While I was checking my myspace this morning, I got a message from a former coworker of mine that I’m honestly surprised I can even be friends with anymore.

On the very off chance that you’ve read this blog since about 2009 or so, this was the same co worker that I got a slight crush on, told like, two of my coworkers, and all of a sudden everyone knew about it and were pestering him about it without my knowledge, and blowing it out of proportion in the process.

That resulted in him removing me from his friendslist and basically ignoring me for ages. Until I messaged him some time last year, while drunk at a friend’s house. That message was basically along the lines of “Hey nerd I haven’t talked to you forever blahblahblah” and we’ve been exchanging the occasional message since then.  It doesn’t seem like much but I was sure that whole crush coworker gossip fiasco had basically ruined any chance at a friendship. Thankfully it hasn’t, because he’s funny as hell, and I miss all the loud, drunken comments he used to make while at the bar.

I mean, we don’t talk that often (the last message before today was at Thanksgiving) but there was a point that I didn’t think I’d talk to him again ever, so it’s pretty awesome. He is very amusing. And I’m pretty sure he’d shoot me if he ever saw this picture I took of him at the Halloween party in 2008, so let’s hope he didn’t bookmark this blog from when he read it once. XD http://crystalsister.deviantart.com/gallery/?q=halloween#/d2hg20z

So many fun drunken times were had at that bar, with all sorts of regulars. Sigh. So much money spent on the internet jukebox.  I miss my workplace, even though I literally haven’t worked there since November of 2009. I miss it every day. Even the people I don’t like. XD

ANYWAY. Before I got off on a tangent, I was discussing my food intake for the day. For lunch, I had a sandwich wrap, and a few exotic veggie chips (carrots, blue potatoes, and I forget what else, but they were unusual veggies). For dinner, we had soft shelled tacos. OM NOM NOM.

I apologize for my laziness in relaying what I ate today, but I’ve been up since six am and meant to get to bed before now. Lol. Also, I did weigh myself today. I won’t tell you what I weigh. However, I will tell you that it hasn’t changed from the beginning of the week.  Just figure… if I told you to guess my weight and you guessed, you’d probably guess about 50 pounds below what I actually weigh, because that happens a lot.

I think that’s about it really. I made a giant friendship bracelet out of yarn today, because I was once again getting frustrated at my lack of knitting skills. Today’s creation was basically an experiment.

The normal sized friendship bracelet I made last year was with just six strings. I made this thing with 12. The next time I attempt something of this nature, I’m either going to make it with 6 strings and make several larger strands that I can braid together to make a scarf, or, I’ll make another with 12 strings, and just make each individual string longer.

If you’ve gotten through all my boring, drab babble (say that five times fast) you deserve a cookie or something. Anyway, I should probably get to bed. My mom is going to visit grandma tomorrow, and I’m going along, because my grandma is very humorous and full of funny old sayings (i.e. “He don’t amount to shit and two hoops”). Plus it’s just fun to not be at home for a change.

I will see you later. Hopefully future blog entries will be better organized and more interesting.

 

 

 

18 and I like it!

Bahaha. Alice Cooper.

Well kids, it’s day eighteen. I’m sorry to inform you that there are no pictures today, because clearly I win at taking pictures and every single one I took came out blurry and looked like shit, so I spared you all the trouble… and myself. It’s a pain in the ass to resize everything. XD

Okay. So. For breakfast, I had a bowl of special K chocolatey delight. It will probably be the only bowl I get out of that box. The boxes are too fucking small. For all sorts of cereal. I’d rather pay more and get more than 2 bowls of cereal out of a fucking box… Seriously? I’ve been dying for some Raisin Nut Bran, but that shit is like 3.65 a box. That’s fucking ridiculous. XD

Anyway. For lunch, I had a sandwich with sliced turkey, some lettuce, pickles, a slice of cheese, and some of my homemade barbecue sauce. Which is also what I had for dinner. Yes, I did enjoy it enough to eat twice. Lunch though, I just had the sandwich. With dinner, I had some taco chips, and some exotic veggie chips we got at Target.

For dessert, I had a cup of pomegranate chobani greek yogurt.

Eh. The only other stuff I can think of today was… I drew a lot. I found a meme to do on deviantart, and I churned out 7 small drawings for that.

Okay well. This morning I went grocery shopping with dad in town, and I got him to buy two green peppers (because they were still 2 for a dollar) because mom and I like putting them on salads and what not. Also, dad bought me my yearly cadbury creme egg. I get at least one every year. I know it’s super early for that kind of thing, but… let’s just say dad is easier to get to buy you stuff. It was only like… 67 cents. If it were any more I wouldn’t have asked.

The day was pretty boring. Did some stuff around the house including cleaning the bathroom (my all time least favorite chore)…

Then in the evening, mom and I went grocery shopping in Mason.

That’s literally all I did today. So exciting, I know.

I’m off to do internety things. TTYL

oh, she’s only seventeen wine and whine and wound up over everything…

-Originally from Kings of Leon, but the version I know best was a remake by the Proclaimers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4UD-yaItHc&feature=fvst

Anyhoo. It’s day 17.

I’ll admit to you right off the bat, I cheated last night and had two cookies and a cup of pretzels. I felt kind of bad about that.

I don’t know. Sometimes I’m perfectly okay with food, and sometimes I just have to eat something. I mean, I could have done a lot worse than a couple tiny cookies and some pretzels, so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

Let’s get to the food bits before I forget what I’m writing this for and go off onto a huge tangent.

My breakfast. Uneventful. Blah

Lunch. Tuna salad wrap, with a pickle, and some pretzels. That wrap was delicious. I’m sad we’re out of tuna. XD

I honestly don’t remember if I had one or two cookies after this. It was probably two if I can’t remember.

My dinner. Some hamburger soup, and a quesedilla with cheese, chopped onion and olive inside. I did throw some crushed up crackers into my soup after this, but that was to soak up some of the liquid. I think I could have gotten away with just adding one can of water, instead of two.

I had some cereal after that, and a cookie. Also today, I had two slices of bread, with just a tiny bit of butter on them.

Also, I did a 20 minute walking workout (which was about a mile and a half), and I used hand weights. My back and knees have been bugging me a lot lately, or I’d have done the entire workout, which is a 3 mile workout.

I tried doing a more normal sort of workout, but I just felt really retarded. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m too slow for a normal workout. They move too fast and I just get confused and irritated, and I feel completely retarded. I don’t get that with the walking workout. Okay. I still feel a little stupid, but not quite as stupid. Plus, with these walking workouts, it’s easier to modify it if you’re at a beginner level, or if you’re just horrendously fat like I am, because there’s a steady pace that you’re going at, and they even tell you in the workout; it doesn’t matter if you’re doing all the moves exactly perfect. The point is that you’re moving.

Well, the only really interesting thing I did today was I went to the library for a bit with my mom. She works their book sale (volunteers to. She’s a member of the Friends of the Library also) and I helped her a bit with that. She marks books that sit at their book sale shelves. I didn’t want you to think this was like some active sale where you have to talk to people and sit at a booth or something. Lol.

Also bought a couple sodas at the grocery store. It’s pretty sad when that’s the only excitement you get all day.

Well, I lied. I got to play with the next door neighbor puppy for a little bit. Also, I watched my new favorite show, Off the Map. I love that show so much. It’s only three episodes in, but god damn. I hope it lasts. It’s really an amazing show.

Anyway, I’m off to watch a bit of the Late Late Show (I have a huge celebrity crush on Craig Ferguson ^_^ ), and then I’ll hop in bed, so good night. 🙂

Whether sixty or ‘sixteen’, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living….

In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young.- Samuel Ullman

I liked that quote but it was a tad long to put the whole thing in the title. XD

Anyhoo. Day sixteen. Yup.

This is probably the most consistent I’ve been with any blog I’ve ever had, ever. I mean, purposely. There may have been stretches of time in the past that I ended up writing every day, but I didn’t set out with that intent. This time it’s on purpose. 🙂

I took pictures once again, but today I put a bit of a spin on things by trying to follow the weight watchers point system. Now, I can’t afford to officially join, either online or in person, so I thought that maybe in addition to this food journaly thing, I could try going by the point system. Clearly it works. One of my friends lost nine pounds in a single week. Another friend lost almost four in a week. Clearly something is going right here.

Now, not being an official member and not having access to all their tools and info, there are going to be some things I may not get completely right. I’m not worried about that, though.

I figure, if I shoot for the moon and miss, I’m still going to be out in space somewhere. Me trying to follow this system and maybe not being 100% accurate is still going to do some good.

I’m trying to be as accurate as possible, and when I’m not completely certain about a particular food, I round up and estimate on the high side. I’d rather not eat as many points as I’m supposed to get, than estimate low and eat more than I should be eating.

Anyway. The food.

Some generic cocoa pebbles again. This time, my mini mannequin got in on the action, having just recently been freed from that repulsive stand sticking in its backside. That sounded wrong.  Anyway. I like taking pictures with my mannequin but the stand got in the way a lot. Not the case any more, lol.

Anyway. lol

For lunch, I had some scrambled eggs, with chopped onion and chopped green pepper. I’m becoming really fond of bell peppers as of late. Notice there is no cheese here. I’ve gotten used to putting cheese on my eggs, so going without it is a bit strange at first. These were tasty, but I kind of missed the cheese.

Mini mannequin relaxes in my bowl of dry fruit loops. I got a little artsy fartsy with the coloring on this one, as I did with the first picture.

This was my dinner. The first, being a bowl of homemade hamburger soup, the second a small bowl of pretzels, and a slice of cheese.

Mini mannequin relaxes on top of two cookies. I ate two others during the day that you did not see.

I’m going to be done for the day, unless I eat an orange later.

I’m off to run around on the internet, maybe play some games, that sort of thing. I’ll see you tomorrow. 🙂

“We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the ‘fifteen’ which we do possess”

-Mark Twain

Well ladies and germs, it’s day fifteen, and I lied to you about going to the library. My back and my right knee were killing me when I got up this morning. If it was just my knee, I’d have still gone, but my back is feeling reminiscent  (but not as severely) of twice before when it flared up, requiring a clinic visit and a prescription for an anti inflammitory, so I’m trying to avoid doing things I can possibly avoid.

Because we all know I can’t afford that, and I can’t ask my parents to pay for medicine of any kind, short of an immediately life threatening injury, in which case I will be glad to ask for their help.

Anyway, today, for my food journaly thing, I took pictures. Mainly because I got bored with just rambling on about what I ate. I figured this way, it’s harder to lie about what I ate. Of course… I could still take a picture of a decent portion and after that pile more food on my plate, but I’m not doing that. Just because you can’t see that I ate extra doesn’t mean it won’t still add more bubbling,  disgusting fat to my body, and we all know I don’t need any more.

I think I’ll just end up being fat until I have enough money to buy healthier food or join weight watchers. So… I’ll be fat for a while.

ANYWAY. The pictures.

This was my breakfast. A coffee mug of generic cocoa pebbles. I added the heart pendant for interest. These picture aren’t necessarily going to be cute or artistic, but I figured what the fuck.

I may actually revisit this, in which I set this up again and actually give a shit how the picture comes out. Anyhoo. I like eating everything from cereal, to casserole, to soup in these bowls because it’s easier for me to know how much I ate. Rather than just plopping a huge pile of food into a normal bowl. I prefer smaller plates too, because I eat less when I use a smaller plate.

This was my lunch. The very last of the chicken, with the last of the rice, and some carrot sticks I decided to cut up on a whim. I used that dull, good for jack shit knife you see behind the plate, because my favorite knife was dirty (my favorite knife being a knife about that size that I got from the bar I used to work at, on the owners’ last day, when they were giving away shit like cups, and silverware.). I’ll use it to cut carrot sticks tomorrow so you can all see what it looks like. 

For dessert, I had some pistachio pudding, with a cupcake top on it (from these cupcakes I tried to make. Seriously, only a top is there. It’s not like a cupcake with pudding around it. Anyhoo, a cute little pink ball of homemade fondant sat on top… to make it interesting enough to take a picture of.

Again, shitty picture. Once the sun goes down, there really isn’t a decent set up for picture taking anywhere in the house. I may try using the lamp that’s at the other computer for tomorrow’s dinner. Anyhoo. What you see there is some hamburger soup I made from scratch, with (store bought) croutons in it instead of crackers, and a heart that I cut out of a slice of generic cheese singles.

I got angry at myself, though. I diluted some store bought spaghetti sauce as the base for the soup, not knowing we had jars of home grown, canned tomatoes in a cupboard in the basement. As long as I’ve ever had to get canned stuff from the basement, it’s been in a different cupboard. So I got really pissed at myself. There is another store bought can of the spaghetti sauce, but we had been saving the two cans to make lasagna for my brother’s birthday (which is Feb 1st, but since it’s like a Thursday, he’ll be coming home from college that weekend). I mean, not a big deal. They’re not expensive, and we still have like three cans of homemade spaghetti sauce in the basement, but I got mad. I’m in one of those “I can’t do anything right” moods at the moment. Which is temporary, but I hate it anyway. The soup tasted fine so I’m not sure what I was all pissy about.

This was my dessert. Some cheerios. Being as that is a macro shot (a bad shot, but still macro), they look like a mountain of cheerios, but it was really only about a cup of cheerios. Which is a serving size, I believe. But I could be wrong.

Again. I must remind you that not all these pictures were taken with artistic intent. Although, like my breakfast, this is an idea I may actually revisit later for a more serious shoot. Lol. The only stuff I didn’t take pictures of today were a couple small blobs of goopy fondant I ate, and one of those minty nougat christmas candies. I may eat an orange later (or sooner, I’m in an orangey mood), but that’s it. I had some V8 fruit punch, too.  But that shit’s healthy for you, so I don’t feel bad about it.

In other news, I have two friends that have started on the weight watchers program, and both have lost weight after only a week.

This sounds like a fantastic plan, joining WW, only… I’m flat out broke. I have two dollars and eighty five cents right now. That’s it. They’re willing to pass me on some info, such as most fruit and veggies don’t count for any points, but I wish I could join it with them. I have a feeling that, like other areas in my life up to this point, I’m going to be left behind as my friends progress.

Seriously. I have friends younger than me that are already married, and either pregnant or they’ve already had their kids. I have friends my age that have graduated college and already gotten the job they went to college for.

Yeah, I know, better late than never, but it’s just hard, watching all my friends make so much progress, and I’m stuck back here, with people thinking I’m 17.

I appreciate not looking my age.  And really? I wouldn’t be ready for marriage, or for children, so I’m glad I don’t have any of that shit to worry about, but it’s just odd.

Anyhoo, I think that’s about all I’ve got for right now, so I’ll see you later.

“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.”

-Totie Fields

Well kids, we’ve hit day fourteen. I’ve been keeping track of my food intake for two weeks.

I feel like I need to warn you about this now, but I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, so forgive me and my sleepy rambling.

I know I’ve said this in about every entry past the first three days, but I have not been as exact as I originally intended.  The changes I was planning seemed easy enough when planning them, but actually doing turned out to be a little harder than I anticipated.

Starting with tomorrow, I plan on getting back to that. Being more exact, not just “I had a bowl of this, and probably this much of this, blahblahblahblah”. I think what I’m going to consider doing is taking pictures of everything I consume. That way, I can’t use creative wording to make it seem like I’m doing better than I really am.

Not to insinuate that I’ve been doing that, but with me, I have a nasty habit of not sticking to any self help plans I make, mainly because nobody is forcing me to stick to them. I’ll just think ‘Oh, I don’t want to do that. Nobody is going to bitch at me if I don’t stick to the plan, so I won’t.’

Obviously, that is no way to go about with these plans, and one of the main reasons I wanted to post this stuff in my blog is knowing that people may actually read it.  Now, I can count on one hand the number of readers I’ve had in the two weeks that I’ve been doing this, but knowing that someone could potentially read it and see that I haven’t been keeping up with my plan is enough of a motivator.

I figure, if I take pictures… you’re going to see what I ate. Not just hear me talking about a sensible portion. I’m thinking I’m going to take a picture of the nutrition info. Take a picture of the actual bowl of cereal or whatever, right before I eat it.

Now of course this brings up its own set of concerns, like “Omg what if they think the food I’m going to eat looks disgusting” and I’ve already thought about the ways in which I could fudge that too (i.e. taking a picture of a sensible portion, then eating more, but still maintaining that I ate the sensible portion).

While it seems like a good idea, in theory, for calories to not count if nobody saw you consuming them, sadly this is not how it works.

The point here is, I want to change. I want to be healthier. For someone as paranoid about dying as I am, you’d think I’d have started to care about this stuff a little sooner than now, just a few short months after I turned 24.

Whatever. The point is, I’m caring about it now, while I still have time to change my habits and such. I think I feel late now, imagine if I continued to be in the dark about my unhealthy ways until I was in my 40s. It gets harder to lose weight as you age. It seems hard enough for me at 24, but my mother has to exercise like hell and be extremely vigilant about what she eats just to maintain being a size 8. She’s a 6, or an 8, depending on clothing brand, but you get the point.

It really happens over time, though. It really seemed like one day I was a middle schooler wearing size 12s, fast forward to my senior year of high school, and I was a size 18.

Now, at 20-22 (depending on brand and cut of jeans; jean shopping is frustrating for this reason) I can’t believe that I used to fit into a size below 14. And when I think back about that… I felt fat even way back at size 12. If my middle school self could see me now.

I shudder to think of that. Even now, I’m a bit disappointed that fitting into a huge size 18 again is a good first goal to shoot for, but that’s the first goal I’m aiming for.

My senior prom dress was a size 18. My first goal is to fit into that for halloween.

But enough of this rambling. I’m tired. I got 2 hours of sleep last night, if I’m lucky.  When I read this tomorrow, having gotten a full night’s sleep, it will probably make even less sense than it makes now.

Anyway. Breakfast was, I’m not kidding you, a cupcake. I know, that after all my talk of fatness and wanting to change, that a cupcake sounds kind of awful, but… you really don’t notice how lack of sleep affects your habits until you are sleep deprived.

Now granted, I stayed up very late on purpose, which is sometimes fun to do, but I hadn’t planned on not being able to sleep once I actually went to bed.

The main effect for today was, I craved sugary foods. Usually, if I’m craving a specific flavor, it’s savory, but today, all I wanted to do was stuff my face with cupcakes and sugary cereal. Probably because my body missed out on the energy I’d get from sleeping, so it sought out the energy in the form of food.

For lunch, I had a bowl of cheesy soup, with the last of the leftover noodles I had from making a casserole last week. Later, I had two bowls of cereal. Then my dinner, which was a leftover chicken leg, and a wing, and some rice.

Also today, I had another cupcake, and two tops from the first batch of cupcakes I made that didn’t work out.

Still, as awful as that sounds… it’s less than I was previously known to eat in a day. It wasn’t as if I would just sit on the kitchen floor in the middle of a circle of food and just gorge myself all day, but I wasn’t as aware as I am now, and frankly I didn’t give a damn (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Anyway. Tomorrow the weather may allow for me to finally make a trip to the library on foot. These bitterly cold winter temperatures have been effectively turning me into a shut in. But, tomorrow, supposedly the temps are supposed to get up to 20 degrees (above zero), and tomorrow and Tuesday are looking like the only days this week that would allow for a walk to the library.

So, unless the weatherman was wrong (which does happen) I should be getting out of the house tomorrow.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that I’m rambling really a lot and that nothing I’m saying seems to be making much sense, so I’m going to log off and go to sleep. It probably won’t even take me five minutes to be asleep. I’m that tired.

Hopefully tomorrow I’m a little more aware and will thusly be able to write a more coherent entry.

 

Lucky number thirteen.

Yep. Day thirteen. I’m thisclose to having kept this up for two weeks! It kinda feels good.

I haven’t been quite as accurate as I originally intended, but I plan on buckling down pretty soon. I mean, I haven’t NOT been accurate, but I haven’t been as thorough as I want, which I will try to rectify in the coming days, weeks, etc.

Today has been a pretty fun day. My parents left at about 8am, to go have a day to themselves. They’re staying in a hotel tonight, and coming home some time tomorrow.

I’ve had the whole house to myself all day. Basically I’ve been listening to the Beatles all day. Literally. Except about 20 minutes while watching random boring tv, and the running time of Across the Universe. It’s such a great movie. I may actually watch it again tonight. The visuals are really amazing. So is the rest of it.  But the visuals are awesome.

I’ve had a copius amount of caffeine today. When I say copius, I mean six cups of coffee and about four of caffeinated tea. I’ve got about three cups of tea already made, and 2 of coffee. I can’t forsee myself making any more coffee, but I may have a cup or two more of tea.

I’m going to attempt to pull an all nighter, mainly because I don’t often get the opportunity to blare music and watch movies until all hours, so I take advantage when I can.

Let’s get to the food part before I forget why I’m even writing this.

For breakfast, I had an egg and a piece of toast… you know when you cut a hole in the bread, stick it on the skillet, and then pour an egg into the hole? Yeah that. It was heart shaped. I love cookie cutters. ^_^

For lunch, I had a grilled cheese sandwich with chopped onion and green pepper inside, because that shit is fucking delicious.

For dinner, I had homemade french fries, with some made from scratch barbecue sauce. You can get the recipe for the BBQ sauce here: http://bbq.about.com/od/barbecuesaucerecipes/r/bl91211c.htm

It was tasty as hell.

Also, the fries are really easy. Basically, peel some potatoes, slice them up, let them soak in salted water for half an hour, take them out (making sure to dry them super well), then toss them on a baking sheet with some olive oil and whatever spices you want, and bake in a 400 degree oven for about 40 minutes. Or until they’re as crispy as you like.

Anyhoo, in addition to my meals, I’ve had… I want to say two cupcakes, probably three or four cupcake tops (from the goopy failed cupcakes), and a bar. Or two. Can’t remember.

I would have walked to the library today, but it was bitterly cold (at least ten or fifteen degrees below zero), so my parents offered to drop my movies off at the library before they left town.  So… a little bit after they left, I cleared the table and took some still life pictures of trinkets and glassware I have. I drew some. All while listening to the Beatles.

It’s all been a blur of drawing and Beatles music today. I think I may be settling back into a nice Beatles obsession. I’ve listened to them on and off since my last obsession, which was… I want to say September 09.  For the first couple months, I listened to them religiously. Then, after that, I purposely started listening to them less, even though I was still very much in an obsession over them.

I learned that lesson with Queen. For about three years, I was in a mega Queen phase and listened to little else.  I love Queen to bits, they’re one of my favorite bands on earth, but I got so burnt out on them that I still hardly listen to them. It can be difficult, in the throes of an obsession, to make yourself listen to something else, but I really really really love the Beatles, and I didn’t want to burn myself out on them, so I purposely limited my listening.

I can see myself heavily listening to the Beatles for a month… maybe two.  It all depends on if I find another musical phase appealing to me.

I guess we’ll see.

Okay, so you remember a couple days ago how I said I’d recorded a vlog? I deleted the files, because I didn’t like them. I wasn’t very coherant. It was basically a bunch of random shit thrown together, and I just really didn’t like it at all. I’m going to wait until I have a more concrete vlog planned to record another one.

Vlogging is different than just writing a blog. With a blog, I can ramble. I’d feel weird doing that in a video. I feel like with a vlog, I have to have something more to say than if I just set out to write a blog. I’m weird that way.

Speaking of rambling, I can’t really think of anything more I have to say here.

I’m off to… I don’t know. Listen to more Beatles music. Maybe watch Across the Universe again. Or maybe I’ll watch The Graduate first. And then AtU again. See you tomorrow.