But some day, one day, we’ll come home…

Okay people, lately I seem to be getting a bunch of comments accusing me of being an ungrateful leech, and I’m utterly tired of them.

First off, I am not being ungrateful. I am so thankful that I am able to live the way I am; I know it won’t be like this forever.

I’m trying very hard to motivate myself to do things around the house but something seems to be keeping me from caring a whole lot until it’s my own house.

Also, some of you seem to think that I think living on my own will be easy.

It will be far from easy and I realize this. Life is no fucking walk in the park, especially when you’re fending for yourself.

I realize I will need to work more, and sometimes, I will long for my somewhat carefree, easy life that I enjoy at home, but working and living for myself will make me feel like I have a purpose.

So, if I get any more thoughtless and utterly disrespectful comments on my blog accusing me of being an ungrateful little parasite, they will be deleted.

It actually bothers me that you see me this way, because this is far from how I actually act. I know sometimes my actions may appear to say otherwise, but underneath all my seemingly endless negativity and cynicism is a being who is grateful for what I have, and sorry that people percieve me as being ungrateful, and a leech.

I am nothing of the sort. My parents have said, they will never kick me out, and I will always have a place to go. I admit, I may have been slightly taking advantage of it, but those days are over. I’m tired of it, honestly. I’m not being ungrateful for what I have, because I am truly greatful for it. It may not seem so at times, but I am. I am not trying to take advantage of my parents and be a worthless prat, even though it may appear that way. So please, stop accusing me of such.

In response to the comment asking why don’t I just move out;

If I HAD the money and the resources, I’D HAVE BLOODY MOVED OUT ALREADY. I was expressing my frustration at feeling the pangs of wanting to try life on my own, yet not having the means to achieve said goal.

 In response to the comment from Maria, whoever you are; we RENT this house. My parents don’t do any of that work either. So, I really have no way of observing how these little projects are done; especially since our stupid landlord picks the most inopportune times to decide he wants to fix things we have been complaining about for months. So I appriciate your sentiment, but it’s just not possible at this point. And, I am certainly not using my parents as scapegoats.

I have been a dumbass. I take full responsibility for that. I’m tired of my stupid ass self, I’m trying hard to change it…

In response to my last comment on the entry before this one; I have my reasons for resenting my parents, but have I ever once said I resented all they’ve given me?

No. I appriciate greatly what they’ve done for me, I really do, but I just can’t bring myself to feel an emotion like love towards them. I am eternally grateful for how much they’ve given me, so don’t make me out to be some stuck up twit who thinks that being waited on is their birthright. It’s not. I don’t deserve what I have right now; it is in that way that I am so lucky to have the parents I have and live in the household I do; maybe I haven’t been trying quite hard enough to convey this.

So we live, but life isn’t what it seems, we’re only living in our dreams in another world…

-Brian May, “Another World”.

Why hello there. It’s been quite a bit since I’ve updated the faithful old wordpress.com blog, sixteen days, I believe.

When we left off, I had hurt my back, and I was over the pain. I’m glad to say that my back doesn’t bother me much anymore. It did a bit the other day, though. I worked from 9-noonish. I got home, bathed, and walked to main street with my mom and brother. That was almost a mistake, because my back was bothering me, not to mention, I was rather warm, seeing as it was at least 80 degrees out. After what seemed like an eternity, I got home. Not long after, I received a call from my best friend, Vanessa.

So, I went to hang out with her, and we walked around a bunch, and played two games of DDR on the new machine (It was a different version of DDR, but still had the same machine and arrow pads). After that my feet were killing me, and my back was bugging me a bit.

Other than that, it’s been smooth sailing on the back pain front.

I thought I was getting evaluated for mental/behavioral disorders, but really, the guy just talked to my shrink for a bit and gave me a 30 day trial of an anti-depressent I have yet to start taking. I just thought it was a bit fishy that he was just handing me a 30 day supply of an anti-depressent without even finding out if I had anything wrong with me.

I told my parents I’d try it, but I’m not sure I want to. That whole concept just seems fishy to me. But, I was supposed to (by my parents’ word) start it yesterday, and I didn’t, then I was supposed to take it tonight, but I forgot about community band practice and didn’t want to have it affect me and have me have to drive home, considering it can make you drowsy/dizzy when you’re first starting it.

Anyway.

My last stupid shrink appointment might have actually given me some material. Not worth it for all the time I’ve wasted with that senile old man, but I digress.

My parents are convinced I have something wrong with me. I’m sure they’re convinced I have more shit wrong with me than I actually have. How, I have to work on my negativity and my depression, etc, blah blah fucking blah.

Okay, let’s just get this straight. I am not going to change my negativity and cynicism. I like being a cynic. I like being a smartass. And, I am not really negative all the time, but being cynical/pseudo negative is my way of dealing with the world.

Depression, I’m also sure that while I might have little tiny stints where I’m depressed for a bit, I think it’s normal, I was just being panicky and paranoid. I just wanted there to be something wrong with me, so it was mind over matter at work.

Okay, next, things are absolutely NOT going to change until I move out and live in my own place, under my own rules. If it’s MY apartment, and I’M paying for it, it will be MY responsibility. I’ll have to shop for groceries and necessities, I’ll have to keep it clean, I’ll have to pay rent, I’ll have to work for all my money, I’ll have to pay for gas…. the list could litterally go on for ages.

Thing is, this is my parents’ house. I feel like it is their responsibility to care for it, because it is theirs. It’s not mine. That bites me in the ass though; because I hardly ever do that stuff around here, my parents are convinced that I don’t know how to, and that I could never possibly survive on my own. Because ‘they say so’, I’m stuck here, pretty much. And I think it’s a bit rediculous that I still have to follow their every damn order or else get ‘grounded’.

I am twenty goddam years old. I am not a brainless little teenage twat to be ordered around on your every whim.

But, you may ask, how will they know all this shit unless I show them?
I don’t know. And, even if things for the moment will not change, SO flipping BE IT.

I feel like I cannot change until I move out, but the parents believe the opposite. So it just goes around in a fucking circle like a broken Wheel of Fortune.

You have to decide where the edge lies. Between still acting like a child and obeying your parents mindlessly, and taking a stand, making your own decisions, even if it pisses your parents off.

I feel that that time has come. I am no longer going to behave like a child. I am no longer going to not do things I feel I need to just because it will not make my parents happy. It is my life, not theirs. It is not their place to say. It is mine. I will have to save up lots and lots of money; I realize this. I might only be able to scrape together enough to take choir next semester; fine.  I know I’ll have to work my ass off and cut down on my recreational time a bunch.

I know. Still, my parents seem to think that they still know best.

Here’s where I prove them wrong. 

Besides, it’s my life, I no longer need their approval. I have to take my life into my own hands, and I am ready to do this.

If I have it my way, I will be out of this house by the end of the summer, or the start of next school year, whether I am attending or not.

Things will not change until I move out. My parents might say it’s a long way off, but I am ready to take whatever comes at me. I just… can’t live like a child any more. It is no longer their place to say. No longer am I at their jurisdiction.

The reins are now mine; no longer are they my parents’ to tighten.

PS: This might seem off topic, but I think I need reading glasses. It’s not enough to keep me from reading words, but I get ever so slight blurriness when reading text and music, it’s bugging me.

Until I get health insurance though, I’ll have to deal with it.

“I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact…

I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do…”
-The Bitch is Back, by Elton John.

I’m feeling a tiny bit contemplative today, so I decided to write a blog.

I think I have problems trusting people.

What brought this to my mind, you may ask? It was my back injury situation. When I was in super ultra bad pain, my parents kept trying to move me, and I wouldn’t budge. They kept saying I had to trust them, but I wouldn’t. I wonder why.

I don’t know why I don’t trust my parents; I just don’t. Like I’ve said thousands of times before, I do appriciate them and all, but I don’t really love them. We don’t have to love to trust, though that sometimes helps.

It’s strange, though. I trust and love my friends more than I do people I am actually related to. There are lots of issues that I talk to my friends about that I would not dream of mentioning to my parents. I don’t know. I’m odd like that, I guess.

Well, today was another shocker on the richter scale of my life. [/lies]
Actually, not a whole lot went on… My mom was going to take me to town today for a bit of clothes shopping, but the impending weather related doom stopped us from going anywhere. Incidentally, I have a mental health center appointment tomorrow, so it actually works better that we’re just going tomorrow instead.

Speaking of which. I need to stop by work. My boss called today and was all why haven’t you stopped by yet etc etc etc… Um, I was pretty much in pain from that day I left work early until early this week. I was supposed to call  last Thursday, but I was too busy hurting like a bitch to worry about calling people.

I’d left my cell phone upstairs, and I wasn’t going to go through that much pain just to hobble up the stairs to retrieve it. I mean damn, if the company had really wanted to get a hold of me, they could have looked up my home number, the armchair I spent most of that time on was right next to a damn phone… Jeez people… Anyhoo. I need to stop by work and turn in the note I got from the doctor, and bring the reciepts from my medications, to see what of that money I can get back through workman’s comp.

Anyway. My nostalgic contemplations on the past romantic front were a little less today, but still there. Is it always going to be like this? I mean damn, I don’t see myself ever being completely over this.

Even if I find someone else somewhere down the line, I’m always going to look back on that and wonder what the bloody hell I was doing. I’m always going to feel bitter about it. It almost feels like I will constantly be replaying the events in my head and wonder if I did something different, would the outcome have changed as well?

Oh well. I might never find out. That’s a bit of a scary thought.

Anyway. Things I have to do tomorrow, for my sake. Mental Health Center. Clothes shopping. I might call a few of my friends, just for shits and giggles, since I haven’t talked to any of them in ages.

Anyhoo. I’m going to bed now… Good night.

“What do you think I would give at this moment…

…If you’d stay I’d subtract twenty years from my life
I’d fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again …”
-At This Moment, by Billy Vera & the Beaters.

Hello there, faithful blog readers. I’m back.

Not much went on today, dammit. My back pain is all but gone and forgotten, thank the gods.

On the romantic front, nothing is going on. I’m doing well, except for the occasional relapse, one of which I had today. It was small, sure, but it was there.

This is really a strange place, this world is. How is it that we can be so very sure about something one day, and then the next, the reality is shattered?

I just don’t get it. Seems to me that a feeling that strong should still be going strong.

I haven’t called him in ages. I want to, but something tells me I shouldn’t. I mean, damn, even if I hadn’t had my eye on him, I’d want to call him, because he was a good friend. Same goes with my other friends. I would love to call them, but something is telling me not to. I don’t know what. It almost feels like they have just forgotten about me, and that I should just stay in their pasts.

But that’s stupid. As strange as the world is, they wouldn’t go from being some of my best friends on earth to wanting me out of their life and their thoughts.

Speaking of that, my undying curiosity would like to know how he is doing in the romance area, even though the .0001% of my brain that controls logic knows that it is none of my business.

And no, it would not be so I could nurture more surrealistic,  stupid thoughts about how we could still be together either. It’s just… a tiny part of me feels like I can’t really let go until I hear something of his romantic welfare.

It’s just… damn.

I almost feel like I cannot be sure of anything;  I was so very sure that we would last forever, I’d have bet my life on it. I’m afraid to be sure of anything. I always have been. That was one of my problems with Jacob. He knew where he wanted to be in life, and he knew what he wanted (even if he hadn’t yet acquired the means to get it), and I was a free spirit. I didn’t know what I wanted for the future; it was like I didn’t want to say anything, for fear that it wouldn’t be the right answer.

Even though there are no wrong answers.

Still, I am apprehensive about being sure of myself, because it seems like every time I am certain about something, I end up being wrong. Much like when I decide to be optimistic for once; such was the case with him. I generally doom things like that because they seem too good to be true.

That time, I thought that maybe the reason I failed all the time was because I didn’t believe in anything; nothing had hope. So, I took a chance and believed that he might be the one, and look what fucking happened. How can I possibly keep being hopeful and optimistic when BS like that happens?

And, you can say “Well you’ve just got to” all you want; bloody lot of good it’ll do you. That’s like asking why the sun rises and falls and being told “It just does.”. Think of it logically. If, every time you believe something, and the opposite happens, what are you going to do? You’re going to start expecting the opposite, because the first thing hardly ever happens. It might not be the right thing, it might even be pretty stupid; but still, that’s how I imagine the average human is going to think. Although, I can’t say I’m a good example for the average, normal human being. 😛

Still. There are times when I am fine and wonder why I ever thought I needed someone in my life, but there are other times when it feels like I’m going to go insane, although they are few and farbetween anymore.

Still. I wish I could get some casual dates, just to keep my mind off things, and maybe find someone in the process.

So that means if you know any single males forty years of age or younger within 50 miles of Clear Lake, IA, you are obliged to introduce us. XD

Still. I can’t help but feel a wave of jealousy when I see a happy couple together, or when I hear about how great Vanessa and her man have it. It’s like, Oh, thanks for rubbing it in, Hand Lotion. 😛

Even though I know that having someone doesn’t all of a sudden fill the world with sunshine and roses; it seems like it would make the difficult things in life a little easier to bear for both parties involved. So, it’s a win-win situation.

At least that’s what my twisted logic has to say on the matter.

Anyway, I should probably be ending the entry. I’m only going to be up for a little while longer, until the drowsiness factor from my muscle relaxant kicks in, then it’ll be off to bed.

I miss having people read my blog… I don’t write these entirely for my health, you know. 😉

Who’s gonna tell you when it’s too late… who’s gonna tell you things aren’t so great…

-“Drive”, by the Cars.

Well, hello there. Today has been infinately better than the rest of my week. As you probably know if you read this regularly, on Tuesday of this week, I injured my back at work. Still,  I almost think it was developing before, and work just irritated it. Anyway.

 Since Tuesday night I’ve been taking Motrin 800 and 10mg muscle relaxant, and those, coupled with taking it easy, have worked wonders. Today, I found myself almost back to my full range of motion. I was even able to lay down and get back up without being in pain, so I can finally sleep in my own bed, instead of being confined to the armchair in the living room.

I still have to be a bit careful and watch what I lift and how I move, but by my next workday, Saturday of next weekend, I should be alright to go back to work.

I’m going to call a day in advance and ask my boss if they can just give me a couple rooms for that weekend, so I can ease back into working. I don’t want to come back that first day going full blast; I don’t want to work so hard that the newly healed back strain resurfaces. Hell no. Once is one time too many, trust me.

Anyway. My day was, once again, not all that exciting. I did get on the computer though, something I avoided before, due to my lack of being able to sit up properly. I even felt decent enough to go out to eat with the family.

I’m just soooo thankful that I’m starting to feel decent; I was beginning to think that I was going to be a cripple forever. You know, getting that injury has really made me respect people who have physical disabilities that limit their movement; it’s very frustrating.

The people that have a permanent physical disability are much worse off than I was, even at my most painful spot. For me, the pain will probably be completely gone by next week. The people who have a permanent disability have to live with it every day. I honestly do not know how some of those people get through each day. I couldn’t do it; they have more courage and stamina than I could ever dream of having. And the best part is that some of them deal with 10x more shit than I ever have, and they still have a positive outlook on life. They still put on a smile and try to make the best of their situation.

I think there’s something to be learned from those types of people. Us ‘normal’ people complain about petty little things. There are people lots worse off that are more positive about life than the priveledged people. Sometimes, it makes me feel like a spoiled brat. I’ll complain about something petty and insignificant, not even thinking about the people who have so much less than I do and still keep their chins up and try to make the best of what they were given.

Damn.

Anyway. I’m not sure what the plan is for tomorrow… Since I’m starting to feel better, my parents may have me do a few chores around the house, but hopefully not too much. I don’t want to rush into it all of a sudden, just because I am no longer in constant pain (it’s more of a dull ache now). I hope they will understand this and not just see it as me trying to get out of work, like usual. I am making an effort to change.

It’s hard, though; when the parental units have dealt with my manipulation and lying so much over the years, it’s hard to see when I am being geniuine. I completely understand, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

Still. I’m just so glad I can move halfway normally. I can even sit in chairs normal. I do still have to shift my weight strangely getting off our futon; I swear, that thing wants to eat anyone who sits on it, it’s damn near impossible to get off of.

Anyway. I am still open to comments and such, a fact I think most of you have forgotten how to do. 😉

I’m a bit more mellow now than I used to be, so I won’t bite your head off if you leave me a strange comment.

Still. How can I be so okay, yet I still can’t look at his picture without wanting to cry my eyes out?

Who fucking knows.