Meh.

I wonder how many entries I’ve written with that as a title.

Today is rainy and shitty already at 10am. Was supposed to start a new round of group therapy today at 1 but the therapist has the flu so it’s being put off for next week. I can hardly fault her for being sick but just hearing that we wouldn’t be having group today kinda derailed my entire mood. Though it wasn’t on solid ground to start with, to be honest. My license being revoked has been put off until October 5th, and I just don’t have the spoons to call the county courthouse for the county where I had my owi in 2009 and get a payment plan set up so they can send word to the license people that it’s being dealt with so I can have the driving privileges reinstated. I’ll have to see how I feel tomorrow. Because at least temporarily, even when I do set up a payment plan and it’s being dealt with, for a little while I’m still not going to have driving privileges, and it’ll cost 30 bucks to reinstate that shit. It’s just a fucking money grab, they could do that shit for free or nearly nothing and get by perfectly fine, but I didn’t come here to bitch about that all over again. I’m just annoyed, and now that my 4 day stint housesitting for my folks while they went camping is over, the license issue has resumed its role as the second biggest thing I’m currently worrying about, first being getting my stupid gallbladder taken out on October 12th. But I also didn’t come here to prematurely start having a highkey anxiety attack over it, it’s still too far away for that.

I applied for and interviewed for a simple page job at the library in the last couple weeks, and last week I got the rejection email saying I didn’t get it. The first time I applied here, they let me go through with the preemployment test and the application itself knowing they’d already offered the job to someone else (I was told that person hadn’t yet accepted so they let me go through with the stuff) and I’m just really irritated. My mom has been a librarian my entire life, so I’ve spent my entire life growing up in and using libraries, and I explained this to them. Also, I have retail experience, and when my mom hurt her wrist/hand last year I actually helped check patrons out at her library, and still I didn’t get the job.

Sorry, but if I can’t get a job I’m as qualified for as that, what hope is there for any other kind of job? You can spout meaningless platitudes about my worth as a person not being intrinsically tied to my ability to get a job, but right now I contribute a total of nothing to anything. Housing assistance pays my rent. My parents pay my bills. EBT buys my food. I’m where money goes to die, I guess. I just sit at home making shitty candles and shitty art I never finish. I don’t care that I’m in a bad mood so I’m reading all this shit as worse than it really is. How do I know that how I am now isn’t how it really is? It just gets ignored when I’m in a good mood or when it’s sunny out or whatever other meaningless bullshit is distracting me at any time.

I like grey, dark, rainy days to an extent but when I’m already in a bad mood they don’t really help any. Whatever. Now that I’ve typed all that shit out I already feel a little better about it but I’m just lowkey irritated, moreso than usual.

I came to the library to put a bunch of pictures I took in a graveyard on my thumb drive, so I can take them home and piss about with them in photoshop if I need to, then I’m going to upload them to a seldom used tumblr page I have, meant to be dedicated to old antique shit. Not all of it is going to be me traipsing about in graveyards but whatever. I was going to edit them here using some online bullshit or something but I’m really not in the mood for that anymore.

It’s thundering out but I don’t give a shit, I walked here, I’m going to walk to goodwill and see if they have any huge old candles again. I do plan on eventually trying to sell some of these very colorful candles I make on like etsy or some shit  but taking nice pictures of them all and actually posting them and everything is a series of tasks for another day, I think.

In other news, nothing really is going on, as usual. Just finished a like 102 hour DA: inquisition playthrough, started a new Origins one last night. Look I have no internet at my house, and not very many video games, and my attention span isn’t long enough to watch movies most of the time, even though I can play video games for hours (I think it’s because I have to be actively involved, movies/reading/etc seem to be too passive for me at the moment).