My brain is like a sieve…. an apology of sorts.

Well, I’m writing yet another entry in response to comments I’ve gotten.

I’m sorry if I’ve been writing things in here that make the people involved uncomfortable. It’s true that I only know one side, I am not trying to act like I know everything. I’m terribly sorry if that’s how I’ve come across. In all actuality, I’m not really used to all that many people reading this at all. I guess I just haven’t had problems in the past involving the people I write about in here. Quicken, sorry I deleted your comments, I did so in an angry huff and regretted it afterwards.

I will stop writing things I do not know the entire story to. I just feel like my side is what I know, though, and I generally write about my day in these, but I will try to refrain from that (writing things I don’t know the whole story about) in the future.

I’m sorry if I’ve been acting like I knew everything. I am somewhat of a social retard, a lot of times I need to be told I’m doing something like that, or else I never figure it out. On top of the social retardation I seem to have sometimes, I think I am somewhat ADHD. I want to set up an appointment next time I see the shrink, so I can get tested for such a disorder. Because honestly. I was looking on various sites, and an alarmingly large number of the characteristics were ones I possessed. Plus, my dad works with a guy that’s ADHD, and a lot of his behaviors are ones I exhibit.

Who knows what’s wrong with me at this point…


My moods have been riding a roller coaster lately. Who knows why, probably because I’m a woman. ^^;

I would like to, again, thank people for their advice. I’m all confused though, I guess it’s a part of growing older. I know that people need their space, and I’m trying my hardest to give it to them, the thing about moving in with people is speculation at this point. Who knows if I’ll actually have enough money to move out of my parents’ house? And my friends who are in the apartment market, their futures are still up in smoke at this point. They don’t know if they’ll be here next year. They don’t know where they’ll be living, and such.

I’m just spouting off ideas. It will probably be a long time before any respective significant other moves in with me, I realize this, I’m just stating it as a possibility, if they have nowhere else to go. I like getting people’s insight, but the rebel in me almost wants to leave it be and figure things out for myself. Right lot of good that’s done me recently…

Hell. Even my future is up in smoke. I want to give full time schooling one final countdown before throwing in the towel, but if I can’t get financial aid, the best I’ll be able to do is part time schooling.

Still, I think if I moved out of the house and got a roommate or two, I’d do so much better in a lot of areas. I’d have to cook for myself. I’d have to clean for myself, I’d have to work, and help pay the bills… It’s almost like I haven’t had a chance to prove I can make it semi independently, so I want to prove it to my parents, friends, but most of all, I want to prove it to myself.

Damn! This is all so confusing!

I feel like I have been late in learning life lessons. Things I am going through right now, some of my friends went through at 17 or 18. I am trying to learn as many life lessons as I can, from simple things like how to make spaghetti (which I did earlier tonight), to learning to manage money and time. Which makes me think of a symptom of ADHD I’m sure I have. I can picture a clean room in my mind, but I lack the organizational skills to make it happen. It’s like that in other areas. I relate that to my blunders in HS and college. I could see the plan of how it would work out, it was just executing the problem that was, well… the problem! ^^;


Anyhoo. I would like to once again thank people for their input. I generally take constructive criticism hard, I’m not sure why.

Which makes me think. How can I be so utterly aware of my social and otherwise abnormal issues, and have no power to change them, as hard as I try?

I don’t know… The breakfast in my brain is scrambled at the moment.

Our voice is strong, our future’s bright, thanks to what we learned from you…

“We’ve grown into the Children of the Night”.
-Richard Marx, “Children of the Night”.

Be happy all, you get yet another entry from me today. I guess you can say it’s in response to a comment left on my last entry.

I didn’t know that Ellen had known Chad’s best friend before she knew Chad. I never meant to imply anything about how long anybody knew anybody, and at this point, I don’t really think it matters.

So anyway. Today was kind of a crappy day, and it started off pretty boring. My mom had a list of chores for me on the table, two of which I did before heading to NIACC. Even though I was previously told by my parents not to go to school on days I didn’t have class,  I don’t care. It’s nearing the end of the year. I don’t know how much I will get to see my friends once the school year is over, so I plan on seeing them as much as I can until school ends. Anyway. I got dressed, and drove to school. Not long after I got there, Chad got there. Actually, he’d probably been there before me, but I first saw him not long after I arrived.

Anyway, back at the lab. Ellen being with the other guy was really tearing Chad up. Both Ellen and the other guy knew that, and neither were doing anything about it. All Chad asked is that they break it off for now. I don’t think now is the time for a relationship. At least wait until the divorce is finalized.

That’s one of the reasons why Chad didn’t dive back into a relationship with me. That, and he wanted to make sure he knew in his heart I wasn’t his default option. Like, if something else doesn’t work out, I can always come back to this person.

I already know he isn’t my default option by any means, and I will wait as long as it takes for him to work this out. You can’t rush things in this area, and I realize that. When I was on the phone with Chad lastnight, we talked about that stuff. I hope I end up with him when this is all over, and so does he, he just has some things to work out first.

With that being said. I do not mean to imply that Ellen and her other guy have it easy, because believe me, I know this is a tough situation for everyone. I would explain their side, but it really isn’t my business, and besides, who says they want everyone who catches sight of this blog to know about it? I am pretty open in my blogs, you know this by now if you read them regularly, but there is a line, and right now, in that area, I am not willing to step over it.

But damn. It seems like every single one of my friends is having their own bouts of drama at the moment. With Jenny, her constant money struggle with people. A bit of that is Jarrod’s problem too. And Chad, Ellen, me, and the other guy with our drama square. And Vanessa is always having problems with driving and such, plus, her mum is in the hospital.

It seems like we can barely catch a break nowadays. I only hope things really look up in the near future. We need a ray of sunshine in the rainstorm that has been today.

Speaking of rainstorm, it has practically been pouring all day. I’m sure that did a lot to brighten our sinking moods today.

Still. I do like that you people are actually commenting on my blog and giving me some insight. Keep in mind that I accept your comments, even if I do not agree with them, but if they are senselessly mean,  hurtful, or stupid in any way they will be deleted. I know, I leave myself open for all that smut by posting this stuff on the internet, but I will not leave a senselessly stupid comment on my blog. I do read them though, so the message still gets to me, but I generally do not wish other goers to my blog to witness such comments.

Tomorrow, I need to turn in my application at the hotel not too far from my house. I really really want that job. I wouldn’t even have to waste gas commuting to work, because it’s within walking distance of my house. I have my fingers crossed, not only with that job, but getting more hours at Picnic by the Lake. I might stop by there tomorrow and ask if they know when I’ll work again. I’ll also mention that now that I am done with classes, I can litterally work whenever they need me.

I really want to get money saved up, so I can get the hell out of my parents’ house. Their idea for next year is for me to be a full time student (provided I can get financial aid), and for me to live at home.

I am not flying with the live at home part. The only reason I am still here right now is the fact that I can’t afford to get an apartment. I figure, if I work my ass off this summer, I can save up enough money to get myself a cheap apartment when next fall rolls around. Even if I only end up being a part time student, I am looking into getting an apartment. And, if it’s big enough, I can offer my other friends who are looking for apartments a place (that way, rent and such expenses would be easier to handle). I know Chad needs a place to stay in the long run.

All I know is, I need to get out of this house, and I am really trying to make that happen, but it will be a while…

Well, this entry is plenty long. Feel free to leave me comments, just, keep them civil.

That’s what friends are for…

Well, I’m writing this entry in response to a comment left on my previous entry, where I talked about Ellen, Chad, and the dilema surrounding them. I guess I made Ellen seem like this evil person, which was not my intent at all. I didn’t really think about how the entry would sound; it’s not until another person read it that I realized it might sound a bit harsh. For that, I am sorry.

I still think it’s a bit weird that you’d pick Chad’s best friend over Chad, but hey, you’ve made your decision. That was all I meant to imply by the ‘things she’s done to him’ comment, but I guess more was seen in those words than what I meant.

If you don’t read both my comment on the entry, and this entry, then it’s your own damn fault if you see more in it now that I’ve explained it.

So thanks, Chad, I honestly didn’t realize how that sounded until I read your comment. Thanks for clearing that up…

Anyway. Except for a couple of chores, my day is empty. I’m supposed to begin searching for a job this week. I have an application I want to fill out, but I may pick up a few more before I visit NIACC.

I’m only visiting because let’s face it, the school year is almost over. A lot of my friends are graduating. Some, don’t know if they’ll be back at NIACC, or a different school. Still others will be in the area, but don’t know if they can afford to go to NIACC next semester.

Quite frankly, I don’t know how much I’m going to see some of these people after the school year is over. It’s almost like High School graduation all over again. I’m worried the same thing will happen now; we’ll lose touch, and then, life will set in for them, if they aren’t furthering their education.

I’m really scared about when I’m finally done with college, whenever that happens.
Will I be ready to dive into Life as Grown, Graduated Adults Know It? It’s a scary thought; the same type of thought that middle schoolers have at the threshold of High School. You never had to worry about what job you would do in life and such. Then it’s High School, and then BAM! You’ve got to either get a job, or go to college, most often, it’s both…

That’s the same type of scared I’ll be when college is over for me.

NIACC is going to be a strange place for me next semester. It seems strange in my mind at this point, as I don’t know who to expect back, or who I will meet that is new.

I know I’m going to be in Choir. That’s a given. I want to give my ultimate final chance at being a full time student. I will not be living in the dorms though, because they are so overpriced. I will, instead, see if I can’t find a cheap apartment with someone, beacuse if I have to commute all year, it will drive me mad.  I want to have a little bit of my freedom back, even if it’s solely the power to come home whenever I wish. That bothers me a little now, but next year, when I’m 21, it will make me a little more crazy.

Hopefully I will be able to find a cheap apartment, and work enough hours at work. And, if someone else moves in with me, the costs will be easier to handle. What with food, and rent, and such expenses. I would probably not be able to afford that all by myself, but many hands make light work, I guess.

Anyway, I need to get on some laundry; feel free to comment on this blog, I will probably read it later today…

There’s a hole in the world tonight….

Well well. It’s the return of the multiple entries in a day.

This would only be my second of the day, but nonetheless…

I’ve been thinking a lot since my last entry. Just the simplest, most mundane of internet surfing can get me onto a train of thoughts that utterly ignores my orders to slow down.
I happened to browsing Chad’s myspace page. Just the fact that Ellen is second on his top 8 list shot a bullet like thought though my head.

He still cares about her, obviously. Just because a breakup or divorce is happening doesn’t mean the two parties involved just quit caring about each other as people. I die a little more inside every minute I spend thinking about what I’ve heard about Ellen, and what she did to Chad.

You’re married to someone for five years, and you pick their best friend as the one you want to be with?

I’m sorry for the language, but that is FUCKED UP, my friends.

Did those five years of marriage mean nothing? I can’t even begin to comprehend how she would, or could, do that to him.

I mean granted, the marriage didn’t exactly start on the best foot; they got married within two months of meeting each other. I think I know why, but it would be an educated guess and I don’t want to perpetuate things on this site that I don’t know for sure.

Still. Picking Chad’s best friend over Chad, that really hurt him, and in turn, it’s really hurting me, because I know it hurt Chad so bad. That’s like, screwed up or something. Many hands make light work, I suppose. Maybe I feel like, if I feel his pain, it will make it easier for him to deal with. I don’t know.

I know I’ve told Chad time and time again that I will be there for him, and I’ll see him through this hard time, but I still don’t feel like I say it enough. I keep telling him I can’t believe how Ellen hurt him so bad, but I still don’t feel like it’s said enough.

I just want to bear hug him until all his problems go away. It’s going to be a long, hard process, I know, but I almost feel like I am inadequate because I can’t heal his pain. I’m not sure, it’s not like I’ve had a lot of experience with this ‘dating’ thing. I kind of have to go on intuition here.

I don’t like predicting the future or saying anything if I’m not completely sure it will happen. That was one of my problems with Jacob. He would ask what kind of place I wanted to live in, where I thought I’d be doing, etc, and I never wanted to say anything I ‘was going to do’ in case it didn’t  happen.

Still. I knew Jacob longer than I’ve known Chad, but I can safely say I’ve never, ever had a feeling this strong for someone. I want to be optimistic, but at the same time, I’m wondering if I’ve realized I loved Chad too late, or if I shouldn’t have realized it at all.

It’s got me all confused.

I can’t be late, cause then I guess I just won’t get paid… these are the days when you wish your bed was already made.

-‘Manic Monday’, by the Bangles.

Today’s entry will start with my MyYahoo horoscope.

“This is a great day to help other people, especially if they are improving things. Overview: Something that’s always puzzled you about a certain person finally comes to light. He or she may confide in you about a sensitive part of the past. Be generous with the TLC; it’s not easy to address old issues.”

I have some faith in the world of astrology; , it’s a bit hard not to when my horoscope cranks out something like that. Sometimes, horoscopes seem shallow and fake, which makes me doubt their validity, but every once in a while, I get one like that.

While my life is not a romp through a field of daisies, it is going alright.
I have a piano final at 3:20 today, and this week is the week I have to start really stepping up the battle to overcome the ‘finding a job’ beast, although I am so tired, and my legs and other parts of my body are in such pain from practicing for and performing Quodlibet (our college variety show) I can barely walk around campus without shouting ‘ow!’ every two steps.
I am not going to let this week past as most have, by doing just enough to look for jobs as to keep my parents off my back, but today, I am just too tired and in too much pain to effectively be polite to possible employers.
I’d rather not look today, and have better chances of actually getting a job, than forcing myself to ask today, when I’m not feeling the greatest and will probably not even be able to attempt to pretend I’m a nice, pleasant person.

Did you get all that? lol
I just need a day’s break from Hell week, then, I swear on my life, I will pick up the pace on finding another job, or at least getting hours from my current place of employment.

Anyway. Chad is doing alright. I mean, what with all that’s been going on in his life recently, he’s doing okay. Except for a lack of sleep. He hasn’t been sleeping well lately, and so he’s been extremely tired. I feel for him, I really do.

Today I told him he had the prettiest honey brown eyes. He told me he thought they were hazel, but whenever I see him, they look like a golden honey brown. Really quite amazing. I hate to see him sad with those golden brown eyes of his.

Hopefully I can help him through this rough time in his life. I remember a quote from one of my favorite (albeit teenage-ish) books, called “Tune In Anytime” by Caroline B. Cooney.

“I’ll be your other two feet”.

It was something about a two left feet one of the characters made about himself.

Well, sweetheart, I could care less if you have two left feet, I will be your other two feet, and we’ll balance just fine.


I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why, but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye…

Well, as if my encyclopedia collection of drama and worry wasn’t large enough, I have yet another volume to squeeze onto my bookcase.

If you are a regular guest to this, being the art gallery of my life that it is, you will more than likely be aware of what’s been going on lately. If you’re not, though, and don’t feel like reading a novel today, I will give a small recap.

A friend that I’d had a crush on for a while announced that his marriage was over. We started going out not too long afterwards. I guess he’d expressed attraction to me long before that, though, which I was unaware of at the time.
So, then, just this week, on Monday (Apr 16th, I believe, he announced that he and his wife had reconciled and decided to give it one more chance. It was my first time being dumped, so I, of course, took it a little hard.
The rest of the story is in the entry directly before this one, I think you can stand to read one more entry. 😉

Yesterday was really a big one on my tired richter scale. I had to be at school by 9, because we performed our college variety show (which is called Quodlibet) for a bunch of bratty middle schoolers. In our TV Time medley, the kids were deaf to most of the tv show songs, because of the songs’ classic nature (Brady Bunch, Bonanza, Leverne & Shirley, etc), but overall, I think they enjoyed it. That didn’t change the fact that almost everyone in the show was dog tired underneath their peppy stage facade.

So, after that was over at about 10:30, I stopped home to grab some money, and a bit of food, and then I went back to campus to await our evening showing of Quodlibet. I had been trying to call Chad since after the Thursday showing of Quodlibet (because he requested I call him), but I didn’t actually get a hold of him until Friday afternoon. He was going to see the show, but come a bit early so he could hang out with his friends… Around 6, Jenny, Jarrod, Amanda (Jenny’s sister), Chad, and myself took a field trip to McDonalds. I was stuck in the back with Chad and Jarrod, and every time there was a turn in the road, I got squished because I had to sit in the middle.

So anyway, back to the show. It went very well. Someone proposed to their girlfriend on stage right after the show ended. It was adorable.

When I got home, I discovered I’d missed a call from Chad. I called him back, and we had a nice, nearly half hour long conversation. We discussed all the crap that’s been going on lately. He pretty much handed Ellen his heart on a silver platter, and she dumped it in the blender and “pushed the frappe button” as Chad so elequently put it. She’d pretty much shattered his heart into a million pieces (yes it sounds cliched, but it fits).
I told him things that I’ve written in here before, that even if he doesn’t end up with me, he needs to get away from her. I added that I would be blatantly lying if I said I didn’t want him to end up with me, but still.

It’s going to take a while for him to heal after that shit, but I made my point while making him laugh slightly (how many rolls of duct tape do you think we’ll need to put your heart back together? We can even use the colored kind!). He kind of opened up to me a little bit, which I didn’t mind in the slightest. I got a little torqued at how males in general are brought up by when he mentioned something about when Ellen was talking to him about who she would choose (Chad, or her other interest), it was all he could do not to cry.

I told him that he didn’t have to put up a manly facade for me. If he felt like sobbing on the phone, or even to me in person, I told him to feel free. I didn’t care if it was how he was raised (men don’t cry, etc).

“I’m willing to put on my tall rubber boots and wade through the mud puddle if you are”.

-My greatest quote of the night.

Also, even though I knew it would take a while, I told him to take as long as he needed to. I won’t wait two lifetimes (like Ellen expects him to), but I told him I will be there waiting for him when he is through fording this big flood that life has washed upon him.

You know, I wrote some not very nice things about Chad in the last entry; I was angry. I knew, even as I wrote those words that I didn’t fully mean them.
When we are angry, sad, or otherwise distressed, we can say things we don’t mean. I still loved him, which was part of the reason I was so upset about the whole breakup issue. I just can’t believe a human being would have it in them to do something to him the way Ellen did to Chad. It disgusts me.

Yes, I haven’t known Chad as long as Ellen has, but I think I know when I love someone, and I think I can tell that she no longer loves him. I don’t care how much work or time it will take, it’s a project I’m willing to dedicate myself to.

I’ll sacrifice tomorrow just to have you here today…

Oh my dear lord.

I am tired. It’s not your normal, everyday tired, no it’s much more than that. For me, it is such that I think I have given a whole new definition to the word ‘tired’.

Yesterday was another one of those defective, overstuffed cars on the roller coaster that is my college life.

Granted, I was still a bit sad about the recent breakup, but I was doing better. A bunch of my friends were there, just chilling and having a great old time.

I’m even finding myself able to hold conversation with Chad without immediately wanting to burst out bawling. I don’t quite remember when it was, but I was talking to some friends about my situation. I made a startling discovery.

Chad breaking up with me was part of a plan to try to make Chad and Ellen’s failing marriage work. Ellen had someone else. They would both break it off with their respective interests, and then really give the marriage thing one final go. But no, things did not run as smooth as silk. It was more like, as smooth as a pufferfish, or a porcupine, perhaps.

Chad broke it off with me. I heard that it was Ellen who convinced him to do that.
Okay, so he broke it off with me by telling me ‘it wasn’t working between us’. I took it badly the first time, but granted, that was my first real time of being dumped (not counting that week when I was a sophomore in High School, lol). If one knows they must break up, but don’t want to hurt the other person, how on Earth do they go about it?

It’s a very confusing question, so I understand why Chad chose that vessel for the information he had to deliver me. At least he didn’t just come up to me and say “We’re done” and leave it at that.

Anyway, back to my point. Chad broke it off with me. The next phase of the plan should have been Ellen breaking it off with her other guy, but all of a sudden, she wasn’t sure she wanted to anymore. I’m sorry, but that sounds just a little bit fishy to me.

And now, she’s lost her final chance. I can completely see wanting to try and give the gasping marriage a final breath of air, to see it if would live. I took the breakup hard, but it did not kill me. I can see trying one more time, and having to break it off with me to do so.
What I cannot see is that Ellen so vehemently claims she really wants to make the marriage work, yet ‘doesn’t know if she wants to break it off with the other guy because she still has feelings for him’.

If you really, truly wanted to make a marriage work, there would be no doubt in your mind as to whether to break it off with your other interest.
Just the fact that she ‘wasn’t sure’ or not should put up about a thousand little red flags in one’s mind.

I will state it again. I can see the last chance, but she pissed it away, and it really was her final chance.

No more reconciliation. No more pleading. No more denial that your marriage is ending.

Sure, you may get along for a little bit, but how long would it be until the same thing would happen again. Consider the three children. I know from experience that up and down times like that can screw a kid up.

Are mommy and daddy getting along this today? If they are, tomorrow is sure to be a doozy on the argument scale.

I know you can’t only think of the kids in a situation like this, but they are one important factor.  What is best for the kids? Driving the marriage up and down like a drunken airplane pilot? Or, perhaps, ending it, even though that may not be the most desirable option. It has happened before. Sometimes people love each other, but simply cannot live together and be married.

Divorce does not have to be such an ugly word.

Sure, maybe the kinks could be ironed out for a little bit, but if all it’s going to be is a series break ups and make ups, maybe it is best that the marriage be ended now, before it gets even harder to end.

I’m sure divorce is not an easy thing. Like breakups, they are rarely easy, but sometimes, they are needed, and in the best intrest of the parties involved.

I’m not necessarily saying that for this case. I don’t know, I’m only 20, and some of what I know is what I hear, not just from Chad and his friends, but from people who know Ellen as well.

And I am by no means trying to project this image that marriage is a perfect institution. It is not. I realize that. Many marriages come close to divorce? I’m not sure I believe that. Sure, married people get into a lot of fights. A lot of fights, but judging from my own parents, and the parents of my friends, getting close to divorce does not happen all the time. It may happen sometimes, I’m not saying it doesn’t, but it does not happen all the time.

I just can’t believe she would do something like that to him.

I told Chad flat out: She does NOT deserve someone like him. The way she’s treated him has appalled me. It’s not like he has enough adversity piled onto his back without her and her behaviors, on top of all of it.

Even if he doesn’t end up with me. I would be a liar to say that I didn’t hope he ends up with me, because my feelings are so, but even if his breakup, divorce, or whatever doesn’t end with him being with me, he needs to get out of this marriage right now, before it gets any more difficult.

The sweetest melody is an unheard refrain, so lower your sights, but raise your aim…

….Raise you aim….

-“Poison Arrow”, ABC.

 First off, before I go any farther in this entry, if I get a single “I told you so” type comment, I will personally see to your painful, untimely demise. You will not enjoy it. It will not be over quickly.

Take it as a “I will behead you and parade around fucking main street with your lifeless head on top of a spear.” type sentiment, because by all means, that’s how I meant it.

Well, I knew my love life was going too well to keep it up. I knew it. It can’t ever just, be good, you know? My love life has taken a proverbial shit all over any hope I may have had held out as far as rewriting my impending ‘doomed to be single’ future.

Tuesday began alright. The weather was gorgeous, I was at school early. I was even feeling in an artistic mood, so I took some pictures outside the school. When Chad got there, I was so extremely happy to see him, because the night before, he’d written a blog entry that disturbed me a great deal. In it, mentioning how he was doomed to be in dead end jobs, to be alone (since nobody wanted to be around a loser), and  how he’d contemplated suicide but didn’t think he could follow through with it. I was just happy to see him. I even walked him to class and got a big hug before he went.

He came back not more than 15 minutes later. I didn’t ask why he didn’t have to be in class. I figured, if he wanted to talk about it, he’d talk about it.

I thought he’d been acting a bit distant the day before, but it was even worse today. I could barely get him to hold my hand. I knew he’d just attended a funeral for his uncle the day before, but it seemed there was something more behind his dreary disposition.

I was sitting inside while the rest of my group (Jenny, Jarrod, and Chad) were outside, talking. Jarrod came inside and suggested I come outside. I obliged.

Then, Chad pulled me aside, and the dreaded “We need to talk” pile of shit fell out of his mouth.

It’s not working between us. What would you say to that?

Well, frankly, I thought, I wanted to say a lot, because just last week, he came to my house, and we were being all romantic and such. Things were going so good, I couldn’t see how they were going to get any better. And then he pulls this bullshit? I’m not sure how long I stood there in front of him, staring at the ground, but it seemed like eons.

Finally, on the verge of a breakdown, I went inside (without saying a word to Chad), gathered up all my things, and went out to my car. I was so ready to go home, I even had the key in the ignition. I sat there and cried, in my blistering hot car, with all the windows still up. I threw my keys on the floor and just sat there.

After a while, I grabbed my purse, got out of the car, and went to sit outside. Just, not with Jenny, Jarrod, and him. I sat as far away as I possibly could, with my back towards them.

I’m not sure how long I was out there, but after a bit, Jenny came over and we talked about certain things and people. At first, I thought it was a “there is too much going on right now, let’s wait until it slows down’ type” (I hate to use the words) break up.

After a while, Jenny and I were extremely bored. We had a dress rehearsal for the variety show that evening, and neither of us were wasting the gas to drive all the way home and back. Jenny was taking a nap, and I decided to get on Myspace, to see if I could message Chad. I practically wrote him a novel type myspace message. After I sent it, I went to his profile.

Myspace is the last thing I should take seriously, honestly, it is.

He had his status back to ‘Married’, had Ellen (the mother of his children; I will not call her his wife because if she was a good enough wife, they wouldn’t be having these problems) back at his number one spot, and he had deleted every single comment I ever left him. Every one. Even a simple ‘good night’ one.

I called him. He and the mother of his children were going to give it another shot.

Well, I wish you two retards had decided that a little earlier.

He keeps saying I wasn’t a lonliness filler, but that’s what it fucking feels like I am.

He keeps saying it wasn’t anything I did, but if I was pretty enough, smart enough, knowledgable enough, and stable enough, he wouldn’t be ‘trying it again’ with the mother of his children. If I was good enough as a human being, he wouldn’t be giving it another shot with her. He’d still be with me.

So you want to still be friends. I can’t do that. Friends don’t love friends as much as I still do for you. I can’t look at you and not remember every single good time we had, and every time you told me you loved me. I can’t see that ring on your finger and not think about the one time when we were still together, and he asked me if I was afraid he’d go back to her, because it wasn’t going to happen.

Well, I should learn to trust my psychic type instincts, because I knew something would go wrong, I just didn’t know what.

Well, thanks for the concern, but I can’t just be friends with you, so just discard me as a friend.

You have already thrown me away as a girlfriend, you might just get it over with and dump my hopeless body in dumpster to be carted away and erased from your memory.

I hope you feel guilty about all this later. Hell, feel guilty now, your fucking choice.

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.

For, it won’t be long ’till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on”
-Bill Withers’ “Lean on Me”.

Well, I suppose I should be in bed right now, but I’m a little too wired to sleep. I am a bit exhausted, but I’m just too alert to try sleeping at this exact moment.

If you are wondering how my life has been, it’s been okay. I could complain, but I’m not sure I have the right to. Plus, I’ve done enough complaining. I’m even starting to wear myself out with that shit… and I know it’s bad if even I can’t take it… I can take a lot of bullshit, but I’m just getting to be too much for myself.

So, I will change. It will be extremely difficult, I realize that, but I need to change. I can’t keep on doing what I’ve been doing these days. Sorry, I stole a line from a Bruce Hornsby song there. I thought it fit.

So anyway, about my weekend. It was not very eventful, sadly. My boyfriend Chad had to work on Saturday morning, and since he has to be at work at the ungodly hour of 4am, he sleeps after his shift is over around 8:30am. So, we talked about possibly hanging out on Sunday night.

I may have called him Saturday night, I don’t remember.

So, Sunday rolls around. I seem to remember him saying he didn’t have to work on Sunday, but my memory has been wrong before; this was one of those erroneous times.

My dad and I got into another one of our unproductive arguements. He wants me to be all gung ho looking for a job. Our college has the big variety show this week. We had a practice tonight which is part of the reason I am still awake right now. I technically have a job. The restaurant was closed last week for construction due to water leakage from the apartments above. And, I’ve told my parents time and time again that it will be slow until the summer, when I will probably have 40 hours a week, or more.

I think that if I have to look for another job in the first place, my parents should give me until the end of school. I have too many things to worry about this week, what with rehearsal tomorrow, possibly Wednesday, and the performances Thursday night, Friday morning, Friday night, and Sunday afternoon to worry about looking for a job. I know money has to be a priority, but this week I will hardly have time to breathe, let alone get out and about looking for another job, in addition to the one I have… Friday after the show/Saturday are my only moments of peace between now and Sunday, and I am probably going to be taking a breather at one of my friends’ houses for that.

Besides. When I’m working 40 hours a week, I don’t see how I will have time to work a whole nother job. I might have to work two jobs, but I honestly don’t see how I will have time. One job will have to take a back seat, and I’m not sure the employers would enjoy that too much.

Still. I will keep being hounded to find a job. Oh well. I’ll get over it.

Just, I think it would be a better idea to let me wait until my classes are over, so I can’t hide behind the excuse that “Oh, I have school, I can’t look for a job”.

So, anway, back to the argument. Dad yelled that I had a month to find a job, or else he’d kick me out.

Empty threats don’t work. He has always said I will always have a place to stay. Maybe, just for a few days, he needs to act upon his big threats like that. He can threaten me all he wants, but since I know he can’t follow through, I don’t listen. Fine. You know what? Kick me out, and act like you’re actually going through with it. Then, call me a few days later, and tell me now that I’ve tasted what it would be like to be kicked out, to get my ass in gear… Do something I can comprehend. Maybe if you’d followed through on some of those threats, I’d actually have learned something.

Maybe I should have been spanked more. I don’t know, but something didn’t go right, whether that was my fault or my parents’.

Anyway. After the argument, I called Chad, who regrettably informed me that he wasn’t feeling well, so we wouldn’t be hanging out. I was not mad at him by any means. As if he can help feeling like shit (although maybe more sleep would help). I was just disappointed, because after my father and I shouted at each other, I put all my hope on seeing Chad so I could forget the argument, just a little bit, for a little while.

I was at school early today. I expected Chad to be there, but only like, 3 people had showed up in the activity center by the time I went to my class.

Afterwards, Chad still was not there. I had no idea why, because he told me I would see him. All these scenarios went through my head again, as to why he wasn’t there, and as they usually are, they were wrong.

He showed up a little before 3, unexpectedly.

He attended a funeral, for his uncle, so he was depressed and a little distant. I was worried about him. He kept saying he was fine, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to push it though, I figured his day and weekend had been hard enough as it was to keep pushing that I didn’t think he was being 100% honest that he was fine. Still, I worry about him a great deal. He moved back in with his, for all intensive purposes, ex wife, because the people he was staying with offended him greatly.

He was staying with my friend Jarrod and his parents. Jarrod’s dad was ranting at Jarrod and Chad, and then spouted at Chad that he was a terrible father, maybe if he wasn’t so terrible, his marriage wouldn’t have withered away and died as it did. Jarrod’s mother backed that statement up.

FUCK THEM. Chad’s life is hard enough as it is without having those two on his fucking back. My god.

So, anyway. Our rehearsal tonight went okay, except for having to start numbers over a zillion times…. My legs are killing me right now, but no pain, no gain, they always say.

It is here that I shall end my entry for the night. I should really be getting to bed. I will sleep a little better knowing I got some of this off my chest.

You’re a heard habit to break….

Does everyone have their recliner and big ol’ cup of coffee ready?
Good. Then we can begin.

My weekend (including my Friday night) started as most do.

Utterly uneventful, and void of excitement. My boyfriend was with his kid, so I couldn’t very well take time away from them. Luckily, I made plans with my best friend to stay at her house a while, and then, go shopping.

In my brilliance, I misread the sign at work that said they’d be closed until the 9th. Instead, it said they would be closed the week of the 9th.
So, on Friday I picked up my check, for little over $110. I paid back my father the $40 I owed him, and I had him hold onto a 20 for me, as am notorious for my inability to save money.

Around 12:30 on Saturday, I got to my friend’s house, where we played a bit of DDR and Guitar Hero II. Afterwards, we went off shopping. I needed to acquire a costume for the college’s upcoming variety show. I found it at the last second hand store we tried. It was perfect for the part of the maid from the Brady Bunch, a part which the choir director so generously volunteered me for. I’m not so sure the dress will fit me quite right… Still, I will be able to make due with my vivid imagination and ingenuity. </sarcasm>

Anyway, back at the lab.

After going to the second hand stores, my friend and I ventured to Wal-Mart for a bit of browsing and time killing. We decided to eat dinner at China Buffet, where I surprised myself by only eating one and a half plates of food. That’s a new low, which is a good thing.

After that, we stopped at Sally’s Beauty Supply, to kill a bit more time.  There, I got some badly needed nail strengthener for my bendy, thin fingernails. The other thing I purchased was a thing of semi permanent turquoise hair dye (I’m not sure it’s semi permanent, it might just be temporary, but I know it’s not ultra permanent). I stated in a blog earlier that I was going to wait until after the varity show to use it, but I might just test how long it lasts by putting some of it in my hair tomorrow. I like to do punkish things like that when I am feeling depressed.

Why, might you ask, are you depressed, your life sounds like it has been going famously lately.

Well, I will now enlighten you as to the cause of my depressed state.

My boyfriend Chad works at Casey’s, as a doughnut maker. He has to be to work at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am. Since he sometimes has trouble waking up to his alarm, sometimes he will just stay up the entire night and sleep after he gets off work around 8:30 or so. Such was the case this morning.

I asked yesterday if he wanted to hang out, and he said it sounded like a good idea, and also that he would call me after work to straighten out how the day would go.

He called me after work, but said we probably would not be able to hang out, because he was so tired, if it had been any worse,  he wouldn’t have been driving home, he would have caught a nap before trying to go anywhere.

I was disappointed, not only because he’d told me we would hang out, but partly due to my somewhat clingy personality. Not that I cling to him all the time, but I’m used to seeing him almost every day of the week, if only for a few minutes. I wasn’t so disappointed I wouldn’t be able to see him, so much as having my day’s plans foiled. We talked for a bit.

I informed him that I was taking my brother to see the movie “Meet the Robinsons” at 4:10. He told me to call him at 3:00pm to wake him. Then, he would meet us at the movie theatre, watch the movie with us, and then follow me home. After dropping my brother off, he and I were going to leave in his car to possibly see another movie.

But, as you can plainly see, I am doing something wrong, because Karma hardly, if ever, takes a liking to me. I tried calling him multiple times, but his phone wasn’t on, and his voice mailbox was full. How I am supposed to wake him if his phone is off is beyond me, but despite being disappointed again, I acted like I was fine. No reason for me to ruin this for my brother.

We got to the movie a bit early, so I tried calling Chad again. No such luck.

About halfway through the movie, Jarrod called (Jarrod and his parents are letting Chad stay in their spare room until he finds a place of his own). He asked if Chad was there with me. Negative. He also asked, wasn’t Chad supposed to pick me up or something? It was the ‘or something’, but Jarrod got my main drift.

Which made me worry. Jarrod doesn’t know where Chad is, and Chad is freaking staying at their house. Instantly, a thousand different scenarios pervaded my brain.
What if he’d been in an accident on his way here, and his cell phone battery was dead? What if he’d stood me up, deciding he had better things to do with his time?
What if he’d had to watch his daughter for some reason and didn’t want to bring her along?
What if some family emergency came up and he couldn’t make it?
And other questions of similar nature.

But, I didn’t want to miss any more of the movie than I already had by taking the call (and making a quick stop in the restroom), so I let it go, and went back inside the theatre room.

The movie was okay, but that was the least of my worries as my brother and I left the theatre and started home. I was feeling extremely depressed, and probably would have turned up some cheesy, sappy 80s music and cried had my brother not been there.

So, here I am, little over 4 hours since I was supposed to call Chad to wake him, and I still have nothing more in the way of evidence on this case.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with Jacob: automatically assuming the more pessimistic of the options my mind conjured up, even though I had no evidence to back them up.
Still. Part of me is wary, though, because Jacob was such an utter failure in the relationship department, among other areas of life. I don’t want to assume that Chad is just like Jacob, because he isn’t.
Chad seems to actually have decent morals and values, a feature Jacob lacked somewhat.

Based on what I know about Chad and how long I’ve known him (this entire school  year), I feel like my fear is unfounded, but I do have a slight worry in my mind that Chad may be fooling me as easily as Jacob did. I blindely believed every spoonful that Jacob fed me, and I got stepped on in the end. I’d like to think I would know if I was being used as a chew toy this time, but I’m not so sure I would. I am a decent judge at character, but even great judges can be fooled.

This sounds like my pessimistic side talking. A lot of scenarios my mind comes up with are utterly overblown and ridiculous… But, in my mind, I don’t like to get my hopes up all that much, because too often, I find that I am expecting too much and get let down. Not like I have high standards, but if something is uncertain, I tend to choose the negative option so I will not be let down, and in turn, even be surprised if something ends up working.
This may actually be the case here.
I don’t want to get my hopes up about him, so I expect the worst possible explanation so I can’t be let down, and I might even be surprised if it’s not the case.

I’m not entirely sure.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so aware of my problems, and yet feel as if I have no power to correct them.