Restless

Bored af and restless so here we are.

Had a shit few mood days, and just started hell week (they only call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken tbh) so I obviously knew it was coming, but it still blows. Ever irritated about the job situation. It makes me feel like I’m not doing anything if I’m not putting in several apps a day, but it doesn’t help if they’re jobs I don’t feel that I’m qualified for or that I don’t think I could do, so that when they call and leave a message on my phone about setting up an interview, I panic and delete the message. And then feel even worse, because I’m sure I can imagine how pissed off my dad would be if he knew that sort of thing.

I’m both looking forward to and dreading this holiday weekend that I’ll be spending at my parents’ house. It’s been ages since we’ve had an uncomfortable discussion about the job situation, but I feel like being in the same room with dad, he’s brewing that shit just under the surface and it’ll only take one little moment of him being irritated for that shit to explode and make me super fucking uncomfortable.

I find myself once again wondering what the actual fuck the problem was at the stupid pizza place job I had (they still haven’t done me the dignity of firing me outright, they just quietly leave me off the schedule). It was so important to me that I do well. I asked (to the point of nausea I’m sure) if I was doing everything okay, asking what I needed to improve… I mean, I flat out told the boss that I had anxiety, not expecting to have any major episodes at work, but I figured it’s the sort of thing they should know up front. And honestly my first couple weeks there I was anxious af but I thought I got into a groove after a while. I mean, was it the fact that I expressed nervousness at being the only cook when it was super busy (which she literally never scheduled me to be the only cook, ever)? Was it the fact that I didn’t want to be the fucking shift leader, which she asked me about and I was like uhhhhh probably not [or I would have fucking applied under shift leader and not cook, just thinking about that shit gives me anxiety]. I just wish I knew what it was that made her quit putting me on the schedule, but at this point it’s been so long I don’t have the proverbial balls to call and ask, or god forbid actually stop in and talk to the boss.

I mean, around Christmas when she called and said I had to work, then called back like 15 minutes later and said she messed up the schedule and that I didn’t have to work, I can’t remember exactly what I said but I relayed to her politely, in not so many words that it was BS that I wasn’t on the schedule this long and she needed to start putting me on more or look for a different cook. Emphasis on the politely thing, I hated working at the call center but the one good thing that came out of it was I sorta learned phone manners.

I’ve talked about that shit here before so I won’t go into detail, but it’s like, this shit can only happen so many times and go on so long before you really believe there is something wrong with you; why else would all these jobs not work out or would you constantly not even get interviews for jobs you actually are qualified for? Or god forbid you get an interview and think it went well, and then POOF, NO CALLBACKS. Not even when they tell you they’ll let you know either way. Just don’t fuckin say anything if you aren’t actually going to contact the people who didn’t get the job. I’m still pissed off I didn’t get that stupid job at the tee shirt screen printing place, because that was pretty much my only fucking chance to get a job that I actually might have to apply my artistic eye in.

Whatever. I’m irritated but I’m also not in the mood to write a damn dissertation about it. Any more than I’ve already done, anyway.

I’m just so fucking bored. When you’re broke and depressed/anxious there’s nothing to fucking do. I mean, right now I’m just not in the mood to sweat my ass off outside, irritated about all the other people who are also outside to enjoy the finally actually summery weather. And I miss like hell having internet at my own house. And while walking to the library is pretty much the only motivation I have to actually leave my apartment, when I’m actually here, I don’t want to sit on my phone on tumblr for 2 hours like I’d do at home, I just want to get out of public and go the fuck back home. Then I get home and go “fuck I wish I had internet” and then turn on data for 5 minutes and wonder how much I just cost my parents in data.

Also honestly, I think in some ways I’ve declined not having internet at home. The internet literally was the only way I socialized with people, and we can fucking debate how healthy that shit is until the cows come home, but it was something. Now I barely have any socialization at all. The only people I know around here are people I worked with, and all of them are married and have families and children and full time jobs, so yeah, we’re still friends but it’s not like I can call them up randomly and be all HEY LET’S HANG OUT because they have shit to do. And there really aren’t many other opportunities to meet people around here that don’t cost money. I don’t want to go to bars because I’m not going to pay fucking 3.50+ for a pint of domestic beer when for twice that I could get an entire 6 pack of like 18oz cans. Plus, I have no interest in being hit on by old men, and if there are country music loving hicks there, no fucking thank you. I mean, we have a bowling alley, but I’m not about to fucking go bowling by myself. I go to movies by myself. I even went to a restaurant by myself once during a summer that was really fucking super hot, and I lived in a place with no AC. Whatever. I’m annoyed and I’m going home to put on my gross shorts and eat leftover pizza and then some fucking frozen yogurt because I’m a grownup dammit