Haven’t updated in a while. Oops.

Since roommate #1 took her laptop and we got my computer hooked up to our internet, I haven’t updated here. Mainly because my computer is so slow I have to use chrome, and lately chrome has not been letting me log on here because of some “security certificate issue with my connection” or some bullshit and it won’t let me through until it can verify I’m using the real wordpress.

I obviously am because I finally got firefox to actually boot up. Honestly, the only reason I still have firefox on this computer at all is so I don’t have to stoop so low as to use IE when chrome is having problems.

I was having another emotional freak out earlier which is why I wanted to write an entry in the first place, but firefox took so long to load that I’ve almost forgotten exactly what I wanted to say.

I was just freaking out because it’s PMS and I’m always fucking insane and mood swingy during PMS. But also because, I’ve had so many interviews lately and at least 2 of them I got rejection emails for. I got my unemployment money on my card today and it’s only 68 dollars, and my portion of the bills is supposed to be 90. I guess I’ll just have to give roommate #1 that and then pay her back if I ever get a job.

My credit is so bad I can’t even get approved for a low credit limit amount credit card for emergencies. I still haven’t gotten my tax return and I filed it in late March. I still haven’t called the repair place about my car, which has been stuck in the grocery store parking lot for over a week now (they’re a 24 hr grocery store which is probably the only reason it hasn’t been towed yet). I’m over 250 dollars behind on my student loan payments, and need to call the loan person at the college I never graduated from to see about temporarily getting the payments lowered, or getting the loan deferred.

That last one, I’m probably going to call on Monday. I just don’t feel up to making a phone call today. I could barely make myself change the cat box earlier, let alone anything else.

I’m going to try to distract myself for the moment. I’ve been mostly using my facebook Note app to write shit down that I would normally put here. And honestly most updates are probably still going to happen there, because it honestly took me 20 minutes to get on here on firefox, between the program being unresponsive and shit

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Well then.

So I had been intending to put up another blog entry for a few days, but that didn’t happen.

Last Friday, in the early evening, my mother came to pick me up for my sibling’s graduation which would be the next day (my parents now live probably an hour and a half away). It was great being back around everyone for a while.

The graduation thing went great, my sibling got an award, it was pretty darn awesome. But I was having a weird anxiety day with ALL the goddamn people around. But afterwards when everyone went out for light refreshments, once the crowd started thinning out I was all right. This anxiety shit doesn’t make any sense. Bah. Anyhoo. That went great, we all had fun.

I had originally intended to only stay like maybe Saturday and Sunday and that someone would be taking me back home on Monday some time. I kept saying, it doesn’t matter to me when I go back, I don’t really have a job right now. So I think it was mom that said I could stay for a couple more days if I wanted. Then my sibling suggested that they take me back home, and then just stay with me for a couple days. We’ve been saying since I moved out that there should be a time when they come over and stay for a few days and just veg out and play skyrim. We left my parents’ place on Wednesday afternoon.

My sibling has their heart set on going to a bar tonight, since I still really haven’t taken them since they’ve been of age (my sibling is now 22) and like, yesterday we had dinner with a couple of my sibling’s friends (who I get along with pretty well) and like… I know I haven’t taken my sibling out, but I don’t know if on our last day to veg out (sibling is going home like tomorrow afternoon) I want to like get drunk and have to sleep over at someone else’s house. I guess nothing is set in stone yet, since we don’t know if one of my sibling’s friends can get the night off work. I don’t want to sound mean but I almost hope she can’t get off work. Then honestly I would probably just take my sibling out and buy them a couple drinks, but not have anything myself so I can drive us home.

I know I sound weird, and I know all I do is sit at home and never go out, but there’s a reason I don’t do that. I don’t like people, the alcohol costs too much, it’s just not that fun of an experience for me. Maybe if this was a town where I wouldn’t worry about running into anyone I know, but I just don’t really relish the idea of going out.  I would almost enjoy myself more if we just like bought like a couple six packs of like hard cider or something and just sat at home watching movies and whatnot.

Going out just gives me anxiety already and the plans aren’t even final yet. My self confidence about my appearance (mainly my body) is not exactly at an all time high and going out probably will not help any. As I recall, when I actually did go out (or when I washed dishes at a bar, and would stay after work to drink) the only people that ever hit on me are creepy old men. I mean, added to the fact that I am really not looking for any relationship of any kind, be it short or long term. Honestly, unless I’m like showing off my artwork or at a concert for one of my favorite artists or something, I really do not want attention of any kind. I am much more comfortable just observing shit from the background, and not feeling as if I’ve been put on the spot. But like I said, we already talked to my sibling’s friends, and I feel like it’s important to my sibling… but like I said I don’t want our last night to hang out to be spent drunk at someone else’s house because neither of us can drive home, and then waking up late in the morning the next day, being all hung over and shit when the sibling then has to worry about driving home. Maybe when the sibling gets up I can be like “Uh can we just meet them for one or two drinks and I won’t drink so I can drive home?”.

I feel bad for hoping that one of my sibling’s friends can’t get off work so we can just nix the entire plan and drink here at home while playing video games. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, we really can’t wait and just say “the next time you visit” because my sibling is going to have a job working for democrats in the state and from June clear until November.  My sibling will be working 11 hour days, 7 days a week, and only has 3 available days off during that time.

I don’t know, maybe if we had more time, like if the sibling was spending a whole week here I wouldn’t care, but I’ve really never enjoyed going out. But I don’t want to be a party pooper because like I said, I feel like it’s important to the sibling that we go out. UGH. I don’t need to be worrying about this shit at 9:30 in the morning. I don’t want this bullshit anxiety to ruin my entire day.

Honestly though the main thing I’m stressing about is money. I don’t want to pay 4 bucks for one drink each when if I was drinking at home, 8 bucks would be more than enough to get me drunk for the evening. And that doesn’t include tipping the bartender, and if we would order drunk food.

But maybe I’m overthinking this. I would probably end up enjoying myself to a certain extent. UGH THAT’S ENOUGH. I’m done worrying about it this damn early in the morning. I’m going to drink some coffee, wake my sibling up, play skyrim, and enjoy my damn day.

EDIT: Fuck, I almost forgot. On Monday at 11am I have a job interview at a store that rhymes with BLARGET and whose employees wear red and khakis. I’m not naming them in case I actually do get the job, so they can’t find this blog if they do a google search. Unless they’re now at the level where they google things that rhyme with their store name, which I doubt.

I really hope I get this job. I mean, it would only be like 20-ish hours a week, but I just want enough to not have to worry about rent and bills. And I honestly haven’t sent a student loan payment in for months, so I would like to start doing that again. Honestly, the thing is threatening to default again.

I was just going to catch up on payments when my tax return came in, but I still haven’t seen a single tax related thing in the mail. I’m not going to start panicking just yet because I did send my tax return in the mail, and I know they take longer to come back in that way. And I also put this (newer) address on the thing, so I’m wondering if that didn’t throw them off and now they’re just taking a little longer to get my return back to me. I’m honestly not going to start freaking out/contacting people unless it’s getting towards the end of the month and I still haven’t gotten anything.

I really hope I get the job. I thought I did so well at the BLONKERS interview and I never heard anything back from them. And, when my sibling does leave on Saturday, whenever that is, I’ll be putting in my customary (at least) 2 job applications, as per unemployment guidelines.

ANYHOO. I’m getting off topic here. I just meant to mention the interview. OOPS

Actually doing something this weekend for once.

I’ve officially hit the point where I’m eating salsa on saltine crackers. OOPS.

Anyway.

I’ve got a little time to kill so here we are.

This weekend I’m going to be visiting my parents, for my sister’s graduation. If I thought my car could get all the way to my parents’ house without exploding I might have already left, but as it is my mother is going to pick me up after work. She said she’ll be off work around 3-4 and thusly won’t get here until 5-6, respectively. I’m almost all packed. Actually if I had to leave right now, with the exception of putting on shoes and socks, I would be ready. Dad told me that I’d either be brought back here Sunday night or early Monday. I personally hope it’s early Monday, just because it’s nice to for once be somewhere that isn’t this house. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here and the roommate is awesome, but I’d like to be away for a couple days. Plus, I’ll know if I got that job (at the place the rhymes with Blonkers) on Tuesday at the latest. The reason I mention that is, should I get the job, this will really be the last time that I have a completely open schedule (and I mean, even then, at first, I was told Blonkers would only get one truck a week and it’d be on Friday, so I’d have like the rest of the week open) but still.

I mean, never mind the fact that I’ll get to chill out with my sibling and actually potentially eat a real, home cooked meal that doesn’t come out of a box and that isn’t ramen. Home cooking is seriously underrated, I’ve decided, and that’s something I wouldn’t have really imagined before. I mean it makes sense, but since I moved out, stress has taken more of a toll on me than I thought it would, so often times I don’t keep up with anything in the house I should be doing, except dishes, and laundry (but not until I run out of underwear). So I haven’t done bulk cooking like I thought I was going to do. I honestly haven’t kept up with any of the “keep this place not looking like a dump” stuff I had all planned out before I moved.

It’s just hard because until roommate #1 moves out and roommate #2 moves in, I won’t really know how to keep the house. I mean, I don’t know all the stuff roommate #1 is taking with her (although I’m told she’s leaving the desk in the living room) so I suppose once that gets figured out, I’ll know what I have room for.

Ugh. On that note, I just thought about all the stuff I could be stressing about. Like rent and bills. Dammit. Although I suppose now it would be prudent of me to mention that my unemployment debit card finally has a balance of like 130 bucks I think it is. I’m going to allot a maximum of 30 dollars to be spent this weekend, whether it be on treats at the bakery or a soda during a pit stop, or whatever. I mean, I’m not going to go “FUCK I HAVE TO SPEND MONEY SO I’VE SPENT THE WHOLE 30” but I’ll set that as my spending limit for the weekend.

The rest will be saved for rent. Actually I lied. The mail came a short time ago and we got the utilities bill and apparently we need to send a payment in by the 20th or we might get shit shut off. So whatever is left on my card will be put towards utilities, and then my subsequent unemployment payments will go towards rent (which isn’t due until the 28th).

I know there’s no reason for me to lose my shit yet, but like I’ve said before, this is how anxiety works. Ask my sister, back when I worked fast food, I would literally sit there and stress and say  “how can I enjoy myself now when I work in THREE DAYS”. Then again, that was back when I was a shitty teenager. Now I’m just a shitty adult. LOL

Really though. I know I’ve gotten a lot better in a lot of ways, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at some things and then when I don’t automatically pass with flying colors, I really beat myself up over it. Or, I’ll go “Christ people my age own houses and have kids and college degrees, and here I am bitching about *insert problem here* why am I not up to their level”. Never mind the fact that I have no desire to have kids, or own a house.

It’s still weird, though. My peers will be married, have kids, have degrees, own houses, etc, and even though I don’t want most of what they have, I’ll still feel jealous and feel inferior to them for not having those things.

Growing up is weird, man. Then again that’s a whole nother rant. Right now I’m glad that when people don’t know any better, they guess my age about 18-20, but I’m scared as shit for when I start actually looking my age. I don’t feel 27. I still feel like a teenager.

I had it built up in my head that being a grownup would feel SO DIFFERENT, MAN. If you’d asked me about age 10-12 where I’d be in life in my late 20s, I’d have said I’d be married, graduated from college, and I’d own a house and car of my own. So here I am, renting a house, with a roommate, with a car that is still technically in my parents’ name. I don’t even pay for my own cell phone. For whatever reason my parents have allowed me to stay on the family plan we currently have, but when it comes time to renew/get new phones, I have no idea what will happen. Hopefully by that time I’m a little more stable job wise. But like, if they decided to take me off the plan, bam, no phone. I probably couldn’t even afford a shitty tracphone right now.

And that would be the anxiety talking, doing that “shit what if THING #1 happens then worse THING #2 will happen and then even worse THING #3 will happen and before you know it I’ll be homeless, passed out in a gutter with a needle sticking out of my arm”. It sounds ridiculous but this is often the train of thought my extreme anxiety episodes will take.

ANYWAY. Dammit. I still have at the very least, 2 hours to kill. I think I’m going to go play minecraft or something until my mother gets here.

Had a job interview today.

It’s true, I had an interview today but before we talk about that I’m going to talk about yesterday. Yesterday evening a guy I used to work with came over and we got drunk and watched movies. Nothing happened but he stayed the night (trust me, nothing happened, I’m pmsing) and like… I had fun while he was here, but now I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

I think it’s because when he worked at k-derp with me I had sort of a crush on him but then he quit and I think I just lost the crush over time.

I mean, last night was enjoyable enough, but I have a feeling that if I had been one hundred percent sober I would have been way more uncomfortable with it.

Like I said, nothing nasty went on, but I just feel uncomfortable about the entire thing now. I don’t want to give the dude the wrong idea, but I’m just not looking for someone right now. And I think I only invited him over because I used to have a crush on him. He has great taste and everything but the more I think about it the more I really don’t want anything romantic in my life right now. I have so many other life things to deal with, I want to concentrate on that.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I’m kind of finding out that sex isn’t something I even want. I don’t think I’m asexual because I still find people attractive and like fantasize about celebrities and whatnot, but in real life I have no desire to fuck anyone. It’s not because I’m trying to protect myself or don’t want to be vulnerable… I just have no sexual desire for anyone I know personally. I barely have it for celebrities I don’t know, let alone people I do.

I feel like the next time the dude texts me or whatever I’m gonna say “You know, I had fun when you came over, but I’m not looking for anything right now and to be perfectly honest sex just does not interest me right now, and I don’t want to lead you on or anything”.

I used to think I was done with all this love stuff because of guys who had lied to me in the past, but I pretty much discovered that I just no longer have any desire to deal with all that lovely dovey bullshit, independent of that. I have no desire for any of it, not out of bitterness, out of reality.

I don’t think it’s because anything is wrong with me, I’ve actually felt that way about sex for years. I could take it or leave it, I used to think, but now I just want to leave it. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of sex.

Like I said, I don’t think it’s asexuality because I’ll still get turned on and whatnot, I’d rather just prefer to deal with it myself than have someone else do it for me.

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit anxious about that so I wanted to get that out of the way first.

So, about my interview. I interviewed for a stock/back room associate position at a clothing store that rhymes with Blonkers.

The only good thing about it is that I won’t have to be a cashier, but I’m a bit nervous about the duties of the job. Like the lifting, bending, being on your feet 8 hours a day sort of thing. I have a feeling it’ll be hard on my body. Also, it’ll mean I have to get up at like 4am. But the good part is, with the truck they get… If it’s one a week, it’ll only be on Friday. If they’re getting two, one is like on Wednesday I believe. And the lady said it’s generally like 4 am to like noon, or at the very latest 1 or 2.

And at first it won’t be a fuckton of hours, which I am honestly okay with, if the unemployment debit card people get their heads out of their asses it won’t be an issue.

As usual, I’m having that “oh shit doing a job I’ve not really done before” anxiety, coupled with that “fuck I don’t even know if I’ll get the job” anxiety. I’m honestly kind of stressing because I mean, I’m still going to be applying to places (as per unemployment guidelines) but if I don’t get this job, and unemployment doesn’t start showing up on the debit card, I have no worldly idea how I’m going to fucking pay my part of the rent, or my part of the bills. And I really can’t ask people to help me. I don’t really have that great of friends here anymore that I could ask to borrow money from, and given my history I don’t feel that I can ask my parents to help. Besides, dad gets disability and mom makes less money than she did before so I don’t even know that they could afford to help me. The roommate said she’d help and she has people she can ask to borrow money.

I also applied for a credit card, but I haven’t heard anything yet. I know, credit cards are bad idea for wanting to stay out of debt, but I want to have one knocking around for emergencies. But I’m not sure how I would pay the rent, because I don’t know how the landlord would possibly accept a credit card payment.

Which reminds me, I still need to turn in that food stamp application. God I just didn’t know being an adult would be so goddamned difficult.

Anyway, back to the interview thing.

They’re doing more interviews through this week and I should know on Monday or Tuesday. Which means I am free for the weekend to attend my sister’s graduation.

I can’t believe she is graduating fucking college. I haven’t even finished my shitty community college degree, and she’s goddamned graduating college. My folks haven’t gotten back to me as far as when they’re going to be picking me up, as they’re helping my sister move out of her college apartment and to their (my parents’) house.

I’m pretty excited. Should  I get the job, it’ll really be the last time I have a weekend where I don’t have to worry about work.

My anxiety is through the roof right now. I was in a great mood earlier but now I’ve settled back into that “fuck I’m going to fucking fail and be homeless and I don’t know what I’m going to fucking do if I don’t get this job or if I don’t start getting fucking unemployment payments”. Never mind the fact that the rent isn’t due until the end of the month.

It’s just, this is what anxiety does. It fucks with you, even if there’s not a damned thing you can do about your stressor at the present time.

It’s times like this I just wish I could shut that part of my brain off so I could fucking enjoy myself. If I get the job, I won’t have all day every day to just fucking sit around and do nothing, so I should enjoy it while I still can.

I’m sure the pms is not helping matters any. Also, I got hardly any sleep last night, and even though I didn’t get a hangover, it seems that anymore when I drink, I just feel weird for hours and hours the next day. Even if I didn’t have all that much to drink.

Then again, I’m not surprised. My mom is like that too, which is why she very rarely drinks, even just a couple wine coolers.

Goddammit. This anxiety shit needs to go the fuck away. I’m sick of it.

 

 

Meh….

Well, I figured out why I was so depressed yesterday. PMS decided to pay me a visit. I don’t even know if I should call it mood swings anymore because it seems like the only thing that happens to my mood during pms is I just get really depressed. I’ve got a ton of shit I could be doing like cleaning out my car, cleaning up the living room, cleaning my room, doing the dishes, and I just can’t be arsed to do any of it because I feel like shit.

I do need to leave the house today to turn in my movies that are due at the library and to possibly get a haircut, but I’m waiting to see what the roommate is going to do. She’s dropping her brother off at home, and I know she said we need to pay the water/sewer bill, and she’s looking for something to do today.  If she’s bored enough, I’ll just go along with her to run my errands. If she’s got other plans, I can always just go myself. But I thought I’d wait just in case.

I was feeling depressed earlier so I did a small painting and while it did help a little, the shitty mood was more or less back as soon as I had finished. I may paint several other pictures today just to get my mind off shit.  I still feel bad because like I said, there’s a ton of shit I should be doing that more than likely will not get done today. I’ve got the PMS blahs. Honestly the only thing I will probably actually do today are the dishes, because they’re getting to that point.

Every time I do the dishes there’s always a ton of them because I’ve waited so long, and every single time I go “Okay, now that that huge pile of dishes is done I’m going to do the dishes every day so they don’t build up” and then every time 4-5 days go by and it’s back to being a huge pile of dishes.

Lately I’ve had trouble motivating myself to do even things that I enjoy doing, let alone necessary shit like dishes and laundry. I don’t know how people do this adult shit.

I had all these ideas in my head of how I was going to live my life once I moved out of my parents’ house but I’m not doing any of it. I never cook anymore, it’s all either prepackaged food or shit like mac and cheese. I haven’t kept my room in decent shape like I wanted to. I haven’t kept the living room decent like I wanted to (although that is partially my roommate’s fault as well, as we’re very alike in that respect). I haven’t kept my laundry hung on hangers in my closet, like I wanted to.

I can’t be motivated to do anything anymore, even stuff I know I “have” to do. Just about the only thing that I have kept up on is my unemployment stuff like looking for jobs. Although truthfully most of that has taken place online, as I need to conserve gas. If I don’t find another job, I get just barely enough unemployment to cover rent/bills, with absolutely none left over for gas, toiletries, clothes, food, or anything.

I am planning on turning in my food stamp application today. I can’t check the balance on my unemployment issued debit card until tomorrow, as for some ungodly reason the website says you can’t check the balance on Mondays. So I’ve maybe got ten bucks to my name, total. And I’ll probably need most of that for my haircut.

Yesterday while attempting to clean out my car (I only got the front seats done because my back hurt so bad) I found the receipt for when I got my hair chopped off and it was March 31st.  I would put off getting a haircut for even longer but with this short style, it’s going to need regular haircuts, which is something I’m not really used to needing.

I mean, I love this haircut, and a lot of other people have complimented me on it, but maybe I should have waited. I mean, I’m going to barely have enough money even for things I need, so it seems a little frivolous and stupid to have to spend like 10 bucks on a haircut.

I just had a thought. I can’t remember the name of the place I go to get my haircuts so I actually don’t even know if I can afford to go there. I have a 7.99 haircut coupon to great clips, and I think I normally go to a cost cutters, but I can’t remember.

Goddammit. I should never have bought myself those 2 tee shirts and super cheap cds. I’m just a huge fucking failure who can’t possibly hope to succeed in fucking supporting myself. I knew I was never going to be able to. It’s too fucking hard. I couldn’t even handle myself when I still lived at home and didn’t have to worry about shit.

But now it’s like, I haven’t made a student loan payment in months and it will default soon because I can’t fucking afford payments. I still owe a fine on that owi I got way fucking back in 2009. Dad wants to sign my car over to me (there’s no timeframe on this as of yet), and there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to afford insurance payments. I’m surprised my parents still let me be on their family cell phone plan, because if they ever decide that I can’t be on the plan anymore, I won’t even have a fucking cell phone. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to deal with all this. I can’t go to my sibling for help because she’s a fucking spring of optimism and instead of inspiring me I just feel like shit because she is about to graduate fucking college and I haven’t even fucking finished at a shitty 2 year community college.

My life has gone nowhere and no matter what I try I just can’t handle it and I start to go fucking crazy.

I can’t really go to a shrink because even if by some miracle I was eligible for discounted/free sessions, I wouldn’t be able to afford any medications they would prescribe me. And it would cost me gas to keep driving out there all the time. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have dental insurance, my car is a piece of shit that could die on me probably at any time, I only have 3 pairs of jeans and only 1 pair really fits me right now, and they’ve about seen their last day, so what happens when those break? I have to allot all of my unemployment to rent and bills with nothing left over, how the fuck am I going to pay for a 30 dollar pair of jeans, at the lowest? I can’t even fucking afford to ship my mom her mother’s day present and it barely weighs anything

Still bored.

I had this illusion that once my job ended I would use the time to do something productive but I haven’t done jack shit. Except filling out applications, that is. I need to clean out my car, and clean my room, and tidy up the living room. The roommate and I are pretty alike which is generally a good thing but it means we’ll literally both have our dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and just throw our stuff on the couch when we get home.

All I really needed to do today was report in for this week of unemployment, which I did. I can’t check the balance of my unemployment issued debit card until Tuesday, but even so, I feel like I should leave the house for some reason.

I did actually drive back to my old town yesterday (it’s like a 25 minute drive, not a big deal) for shits and giggles, but other than that I really haven’t gone anywhere unless the roommate was driving and asked if I wanted to go.

Actually, before I went to my old town yesterday, the roommate, her mom, and I went to a couple church rummage sales (we had intended to go around to different garage sales but the pickings were pretty slim). I did manage to buy an old orange suitcase (that’s in really good shape) for like 1.50, and a poloroid camera for 2 bucks.

Then I got some mail that I had been waiting on. With part of my last kmart paycheck I bought myself a couple of oingo boingo tee shirts, and a couple of their cds for super cheap. I’m actually still waiting on one of them.

I hadn’t actually intended to go out after the roommate’s mom dropped us back off at home, but I got excited and decided, fuck it, I’ll go. Mostly because I wanted to blare my new cds in the car. I drove past our old house, and now the landlord decides to start working on the siding, and putting in a new picture window, which he’d literally been talking about doing for YEARS. What an idiot. I did notice a panel of glass leaning up against the house, and a corner of it was broken. Now, I don’t wish harm on the guy but I was thinking “Christ I hope that’s the new window he wanted to put in and now it’s all fucked up”. Which probably makes me a bad person. Whatever.

When I dislike someone I wish inconvenience on them, not harm. Like, I want them to be wearing white pants and then fall in a mud puddle, or like, get a flat tire, or to be walking on a rainy day and have some car speed by and splash them.

Anyway, I stopped at the grocery store that’s only like a mile from our old house. They have different single bottles of beer that you can use to make your own six pack, so I decided that’s what I would do with my evening. For the record, I only picked one beer I’d actually tried before, all the others were ones I’d never tried, and I honestly was only impressed with one of them I’d never heard of before and whose name escapes me at the moment.

Anyhoo, I was sitting at the computer at like 10:30 last night, almost ready to get ready for bed, and then the roommate called me and asked if I was doing anything, because the landlord wanted to meet me.

So I had two more beers while sitting around a firepit in the landlord’s backyard. It was fun, but now the blanket I covered up with while there smells like campfire. Which I’m not actually sure I mind too much.

Anyway, before I went off on a tangent, I was saying, I both want to leave the house today and am trying to convince myself not to. I can’t really get a haircut today because I don’t know of any haircut place open on a Sunday, plus, I have to go out on Tuesday anyway.

My plan for Tuesday is to check my debit balance.Even if there is money on there, I really can’t afford to spend it on anything because I’ll need to put it away for rent and bills. Then, I’m going to go turn in my food stamps application, and then go get a haircut. I plan on picking up a few applications from the few places I know of that actually still do paper applications. I’ll either fill a couple out, as per my unemployment requirements, or if there are enough, save a couple back in case I don’t find any jobs to apply for for some week in the future.

My day today has felt odd. I didn’t go to bed until 1:30 but I still woke up at like 7:30. I literally got up, booted up the computer, and played sims 3 for at least 6 hours straight. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my temporary reprieve from working retail, but I honestly wish I had a job so I wouldn’t be sweating so much about money.

On that note, I really hope for once that I only find a part time job because if I work over 30 hours a week I won’t be eligible for unemployment anymore and you can be damn sure they’re paying me every dollar I’m eligible for.

I never knew being an adult was so fucking stressful, and I don’t have nearly as much to deal with as most of the adult population here. But that’s another rant for another day.

I’m off to probably just piss around on facebook or play more sims because I honestly don’t feel like doing anything else. I didn’t really sleep that well lastnight