It’s true, I had an interview today but before we talk about that I’m going to talk about yesterday. Yesterday evening a guy I used to work with came over and we got drunk and watched movies. Nothing happened but he stayed the night (trust me, nothing happened, I’m pmsing) and like… I had fun while he was here, but now I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.
I think it’s because when he worked at k-derp with me I had sort of a crush on him but then he quit and I think I just lost the crush over time.
I mean, last night was enjoyable enough, but I have a feeling that if I had been one hundred percent sober I would have been way more uncomfortable with it.
Like I said, nothing nasty went on, but I just feel uncomfortable about the entire thing now. I don’t want to give the dude the wrong idea, but I’m just not looking for someone right now. And I think I only invited him over because I used to have a crush on him. He has great taste and everything but the more I think about it the more I really don’t want anything romantic in my life right now. I have so many other life things to deal with, I want to concentrate on that.
And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I’m kind of finding out that sex isn’t something I even want. I don’t think I’m asexual because I still find people attractive and like fantasize about celebrities and whatnot, but in real life I have no desire to fuck anyone. It’s not because I’m trying to protect myself or don’t want to be vulnerable… I just have no sexual desire for anyone I know personally. I barely have it for celebrities I don’t know, let alone people I do.
I feel like the next time the dude texts me or whatever I’m gonna say “You know, I had fun when you came over, but I’m not looking for anything right now and to be perfectly honest sex just does not interest me right now, and I don’t want to lead you on or anything”.
I used to think I was done with all this love stuff because of guys who had lied to me in the past, but I pretty much discovered that I just no longer have any desire to deal with all that lovely dovey bullshit, independent of that. I have no desire for any of it, not out of bitterness, out of reality.
I don’t think it’s because anything is wrong with me, I’ve actually felt that way about sex for years. I could take it or leave it, I used to think, but now I just want to leave it. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of sex.
Like I said, I don’t think it’s asexuality because I’ll still get turned on and whatnot, I’d rather just prefer to deal with it myself than have someone else do it for me.
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit anxious about that so I wanted to get that out of the way first.
So, about my interview. I interviewed for a stock/back room associate position at a clothing store that rhymes with Blonkers.
The only good thing about it is that I won’t have to be a cashier, but I’m a bit nervous about the duties of the job. Like the lifting, bending, being on your feet 8 hours a day sort of thing. I have a feeling it’ll be hard on my body. Also, it’ll mean I have to get up at like 4am. But the good part is, with the truck they get… If it’s one a week, it’ll only be on Friday. If they’re getting two, one is like on Wednesday I believe. And the lady said it’s generally like 4 am to like noon, or at the very latest 1 or 2.
And at first it won’t be a fuckton of hours, which I am honestly okay with, if the unemployment debit card people get their heads out of their asses it won’t be an issue.
As usual, I’m having that “oh shit doing a job I’ve not really done before” anxiety, coupled with that “fuck I don’t even know if I’ll get the job” anxiety. I’m honestly kind of stressing because I mean, I’m still going to be applying to places (as per unemployment guidelines) but if I don’t get this job, and unemployment doesn’t start showing up on the debit card, I have no worldly idea how I’m going to fucking pay my part of the rent, or my part of the bills. And I really can’t ask people to help me. I don’t really have that great of friends here anymore that I could ask to borrow money from, and given my history I don’t feel that I can ask my parents to help. Besides, dad gets disability and mom makes less money than she did before so I don’t even know that they could afford to help me. The roommate said she’d help and she has people she can ask to borrow money.
I also applied for a credit card, but I haven’t heard anything yet. I know, credit cards are bad idea for wanting to stay out of debt, but I want to have one knocking around for emergencies. But I’m not sure how I would pay the rent, because I don’t know how the landlord would possibly accept a credit card payment.
Which reminds me, I still need to turn in that food stamp application. God I just didn’t know being an adult would be so goddamned difficult.
Anyway, back to the interview thing.
They’re doing more interviews through this week and I should know on Monday or Tuesday. Which means I am free for the weekend to attend my sister’s graduation.
I can’t believe she is graduating fucking college. I haven’t even finished my shitty community college degree, and she’s goddamned graduating college. My folks haven’t gotten back to me as far as when they’re going to be picking me up, as they’re helping my sister move out of her college apartment and to their (my parents’) house.
I’m pretty excited. Should I get the job, it’ll really be the last time I have a weekend where I don’t have to worry about work.
My anxiety is through the roof right now. I was in a great mood earlier but now I’ve settled back into that “fuck I’m going to fucking fail and be homeless and I don’t know what I’m going to fucking do if I don’t get this job or if I don’t start getting fucking unemployment payments”. Never mind the fact that the rent isn’t due until the end of the month.
It’s just, this is what anxiety does. It fucks with you, even if there’s not a damned thing you can do about your stressor at the present time.
It’s times like this I just wish I could shut that part of my brain off so I could fucking enjoy myself. If I get the job, I won’t have all day every day to just fucking sit around and do nothing, so I should enjoy it while I still can.
I’m sure the pms is not helping matters any. Also, I got hardly any sleep last night, and even though I didn’t get a hangover, it seems that anymore when I drink, I just feel weird for hours and hours the next day. Even if I didn’t have all that much to drink.
Then again, I’m not surprised. My mom is like that too, which is why she very rarely drinks, even just a couple wine coolers.
Goddammit. This anxiety shit needs to go the fuck away. I’m sick of it.