Actually doing something this weekend for once.

I’ve officially hit the point where I’m eating salsa on saltine crackers. OOPS.

Anyway.

I’ve got a little time to kill so here we are.

This weekend I’m going to be visiting my parents, for my sister’s graduation. If I thought my car could get all the way to my parents’ house without exploding I might have already left, but as it is my mother is going to pick me up after work. She said she’ll be off work around 3-4 and thusly won’t get here until 5-6, respectively. I’m almost all packed. Actually if I had to leave right now, with the exception of putting on shoes and socks, I would be ready. Dad told me that I’d either be brought back here Sunday night or early Monday. I personally hope it’s early Monday, just because it’s nice to for once be somewhere that isn’t this house. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here and the roommate is awesome, but I’d like to be away for a couple days. Plus, I’ll know if I got that job (at the place the rhymes with Blonkers) on Tuesday at the latest. The reason I mention that is, should I get the job, this will really be the last time that I have a completely open schedule (and I mean, even then, at first, I was told Blonkers would only get one truck a week and it’d be on Friday, so I’d have like the rest of the week open) but still.

I mean, never mind the fact that I’ll get to chill out with my sibling and actually potentially eat a real, home cooked meal that doesn’t come out of a box and that isn’t ramen. Home cooking is seriously underrated, I’ve decided, and that’s something I wouldn’t have really imagined before. I mean it makes sense, but since I moved out, stress has taken more of a toll on me than I thought it would, so often times I don’t keep up with anything in the house I should be doing, except dishes, and laundry (but not until I run out of underwear). So I haven’t done bulk cooking like I thought I was going to do. I honestly haven’t kept up with any of the “keep this place not looking like a dump” stuff I had all planned out before I moved.

It’s just hard because until roommate #1 moves out and roommate #2 moves in, I won’t really know how to keep the house. I mean, I don’t know all the stuff roommate #1 is taking with her (although I’m told she’s leaving the desk in the living room) so I suppose once that gets figured out, I’ll know what I have room for.

Ugh. On that note, I just thought about all the stuff I could be stressing about. Like rent and bills. Dammit. Although I suppose now it would be prudent of me to mention that my unemployment debit card finally has a balance of like 130 bucks I think it is. I’m going to allot a maximum of 30 dollars to be spent this weekend, whether it be on treats at the bakery or a soda during a pit stop, or whatever. I mean, I’m not going to go “FUCK I HAVE TO SPEND MONEY SO I’VE SPENT THE WHOLE 30” but I’ll set that as my spending limit for the weekend.

The rest will be saved for rent. Actually I lied. The mail came a short time ago and we got the utilities bill and apparently we need to send a payment in by the 20th or we might get shit shut off. So whatever is left on my card will be put towards utilities, and then my subsequent unemployment payments will go towards rent (which isn’t due until the 28th).

I know there’s no reason for me to lose my shit yet, but like I’ve said before, this is how anxiety works. Ask my sister, back when I worked fast food, I would literally sit there and stress and say  “how can I enjoy myself now when I work in THREE DAYS”. Then again, that was back when I was a shitty teenager. Now I’m just a shitty adult. LOL

Really though. I know I’ve gotten a lot better in a lot of ways, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed at some things and then when I don’t automatically pass with flying colors, I really beat myself up over it. Or, I’ll go “Christ people my age own houses and have kids and college degrees, and here I am bitching about *insert problem here* why am I not up to their level”. Never mind the fact that I have no desire to have kids, or own a house.

It’s still weird, though. My peers will be married, have kids, have degrees, own houses, etc, and even though I don’t want most of what they have, I’ll still feel jealous and feel inferior to them for not having those things.

Growing up is weird, man. Then again that’s a whole nother rant. Right now I’m glad that when people don’t know any better, they guess my age about 18-20, but I’m scared as shit for when I start actually looking my age. I don’t feel 27. I still feel like a teenager.

I had it built up in my head that being a grownup would feel SO DIFFERENT, MAN. If you’d asked me about age 10-12 where I’d be in life in my late 20s, I’d have said I’d be married, graduated from college, and I’d own a house and car of my own. So here I am, renting a house, with a roommate, with a car that is still technically in my parents’ name. I don’t even pay for my own cell phone. For whatever reason my parents have allowed me to stay on the family plan we currently have, but when it comes time to renew/get new phones, I have no idea what will happen. Hopefully by that time I’m a little more stable job wise. But like, if they decided to take me off the plan, bam, no phone. I probably couldn’t even afford a shitty tracphone right now.

And that would be the anxiety talking, doing that “shit what if THING #1 happens then worse THING #2 will happen and then even worse THING #3 will happen and before you know it I’ll be homeless, passed out in a gutter with a needle sticking out of my arm”. It sounds ridiculous but this is often the train of thought my extreme anxiety episodes will take.

ANYWAY. Dammit. I still have at the very least, 2 hours to kill. I think I’m going to go play minecraft or something until my mother gets here.