Well I guess it would be nice…

If you’ve been a regular reader here, you know that I am a big fan of Thomas Dolby, who is most famous for his 80s hit “She Blinded Me With Science”. On April 6th, I have the opportunity to see a concert of his in Minneapolis, MN.

I will be taking a greyhound bus there, and a bus back early the next morning. The bus heading back to Iowa doesn’t leave until 5:30 in the morning on the 7th.

This will be a lot of firsts for me. It’ll be the first time I’ve done something like this on my own. The first time I’ve ever ridden a greyhound bus. The first time I’ll have to get around in a strange city on my own, that kind of thing.

I’m a little scared, but I’m really excited.

My mother does not share my enthusiasm. She keeps questioning me having to walk two miles from the bus station to the concert venue on my own, in a strange city. Questioning me being out at night in a bigger city, questioning every goddam aspect of the trip.

A week or so ago she mentioned maybe buying another ticket so she could go, and she’d drive and all… I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I really don’t want her there. I’ve never done anything on my own like this, and I want to give it a try. I mean fuck. If she wants to go, she can buy herself a ticket, and drive up to Minneapolis.  I can try to sell the tickets, or get a refund, and that would be fine… I just want to try doing something I’ve never done before.

I can’t live my life afraid to do things just because I’ve never done them before and because something bad might happen.

If I lived my life like that, then I’d never leave the house at all. What if I get hurt at work? What if I get hurt on the way there or back? What if a piece of space junk falls out of the sky and kills us all? Then we won’t have to worry about it!

And honestly, yeah, I’ll have my guard up, but it’s Minneapolis, not fucking New York City.

I just don’t need my mother telling me shit like that. It’s hard to believe in yourself when nobody around believes in you.

I can do this, and I will, and it’ll be an adventure.

Yeah, I know walking two miles in a strange city will be weird. That’s why I’ll print out directions and a map. I don’t know how long the concert will be, but it shouldn’t go past 11pm…. so I know it’ll be weird having to find my way back to the station and then killing 5+ hours until the bus leaves at 5:25 in the morning. Maybe I’ll find a diner that’s open late. Maybe I’ll find a bar, and I’ll have a beer and kill some time. I don’t know.

I don’t know. That’s what’s so thrilling about this. Sometimes I can be afraid of the unknown, of things that aren’t planned, things I’ve never done before…so I want to do this.

Pepper spray isn’t allowed on greyhound buses, and I’m fine with that. I’ll just keep an eye open. I’ll have my phone in case something happens. I’ll get a flashlight. I’m thinking of also bringing an umbrella, just in case, because you can take umbrellas on greyhound buses. That way I’m prepared in case of rain, and if worst comes to worst I can hit someone with it if they attack me.

I’m sure my mother is just nervous for me, but it’s a little irritating. I am 25 years old. What I don’t need right now is a lot of people giving me doubt because I’ve never done this before.

I’m only now beginning to realize how hard it is to get past the way I used to act. Yeah. I used to be an immature little loser, I used to act like shit almost all the time. I realize that.

I am trying to get past that, I really am. I make a conscious effort every day to try to be a better, more mature person, but that sort of thing takes TIME. It doesn’t fucking happen overnight. There will be bumps in the road. There will be setbacks along the way. I will make mistakes and sometimes I will act like an asshole.

The great thing about life is that I am allowed to do those things. I am allowed to have imperfections. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to learn from those mistakes and to try harder in the future. That’s all I really can do. I can’t be perfect now, or ever, but I can TRY.  I do not need people harping on me like hell over the tiniest little things that don’t matter like where the spatulas in the kitchen go, or how the towel in the bathroom gets hung up, or some stupid shit like that.

What I would like is for people to have a little faith in me.

Forever alone!

It’s a funny internet meme, but it’s also kind of true.

I’m 25 years old. I’m at that age where all my friends are engaged, or already married, and are starting to have children, or they’ve already got children. Basically, they’re all growing up. Some of them even have the job they went to college for.

I myself do not want kids, and I don’t even know if I want to get married, and while I really am happy for all of my married/etc friends, I feel like a horrible person for being jealous of them.

If you’ve been a reader of mine you’ll remember a couple of people I dated in the past that… well they were assholes. Part of that fault is undoubtedly mine, but it’s just frustrating. Here all my friends are with their perfect boyfriends/finances/husbands, and I’ve literally been single for five  years. That guy who I liked in college that I was interested in a year or two ago, the one who always cancelled our dates? We were never actually “dating” in the official sense. So I don’t count that.

Honestly, I hate to be all emo and depressed about this shit, but it’s just frustrating. It makes me think I have a problem. Why haven’t guys cared about me? Am I too ugly for them? Or too fat? I think I’m just too weird. Or maybe I don’t fit into society’s perfect little “maturity” box.

I still delight in eating dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for lunch sometimes. I have seen Return of the Jedi so many times I’m embarrassed to admit it. I still watch cartoons and animated movies.  I yell at the characters on tv sometimes, even when I’ve already seen the show and already know what’s going to happen. I own a record player and my vinyl collection outnumbers my cd collection.  I’m obsessed with the 60s, 70s, and 80s. I like making awful jokes and then laughing hysterically at them.

Where is a guy that appreciates that? I’ll tell you. Already taken, or gay.

I don’t mean to have a negative, defeatist attitude about this, because that’s the LAST way one should go about trying to find someone, but it’s just frustrating.

I know it probably isn’t true but sometimes I feel too unique for my own good. Like I’m the ONLY person like this on the entire planet. So I almost feel like I’m driving blind though a thunderstorm or something.

Which is stupid. There are millions of other people on this planet. So there’s bound to be someone who is just as weird as I am, but it’s just really frustrating sometimes to feel this alone.

And friends? They love you but in my case, I’ve been so emo in the past that I’m afraid to show any little sign of depression again in the fear that they’ll get fed up with and ignore me or something.

Which is ALSO stupid, because friends want to help you, if they’re your real friends.

It’s so weird having both sides of an argument with yourself. Knowing you probably shouldn’t be depressed for stupid reasons, but you are anyway.

Even though it’s over, I’m still a little mood swingy after the lovely week I have every month, but I figure it’s best that I write some of this shit out when I’m still feeling this way. Most of the time, during the rest of the month, I feel pretty good and even, and as such,  it can be easy to dismiss feelings like this.

Anyway. I’m going to quit wallowing in depression and play some stupid, time wasting games on neopets. You read that right. A 25 year old who still has their old neopets account. XD

 

In protest of SOPA, etc.

Unless you live under a rock or in a cave somewhere, you have probably heard of SOPA. The Stop Online Piracy Act.

This is the video that I’m using as my info source.

SOPA’s intentions may sound good, but it’s far more sinister than that.

If you’re too lazy to watch the video I will paraphrase for you.

“[SOPA] will create new causes of action against a wide range of internet sites for facilitating copyright or trademark infringement.” -The Daily Beast: Internet Anti-Piracy bill would chill free expression

“A simple allegation submitted to financial and advertising networks would be sufficient to start the process”. -The Daily Beast: Internet Anti-Piracy bill would chill free expression

Now, I’m not going to regurgitate all the quotes from the video, but honestly, that shit is insane. Smaller websites wouldn’t be able to handle the legal fees and shit, and they’d never even get off the ground.

And we’re talking mainstream sites. Google. Youtube. Netflix. A blog where you rant about Fox News. All of it. Perfectly legal, but if there’s even a whiff of legal uncertainty, an allegation (whether founded or not)… and that would be all it takes.

 

If something this crazy is passed, what’s stopping the US from becoming bigheaded in other areas? Freedom of speech my ass. We’re slowly becoming China, or fucking Nazi Germany.

Once they can shut down any website for any reason regarding copyrights, what’s to stop them from shutting down sites where we criticize our government? Little by little our freedoms are being voted away, but we’re too busy talking about Kim Kardashian’s 72 day marriage to notice. One day we’ll wake up and every waking minute of every day will be monitored.

It sounds sci fi, but if shit like SOPA keeps coming up, it’s not far fetched at all.

Seriously, just go watch the video. I don’t want to steal all the info from there and make it sound like I did a bunch of homework for this…

It’s just that… our voice is all we have. They already censor our radio, our television, our print media… The internet is all that’s left. And our online voice is one of the only things we’ve got left.

Passing this ludicrous bill would stifle creativity and free expression. As someone who bases most of their art on the music they listen to and the movies they see, this bill frightens me. A lot of my art has lyrics in it, or little snippets of lyrics from songs. I name some of my photos after song lyrics.

This stupid bill could shut down almost my entire body of work. Our voice is all we have. My art is my voice. I would prefer not to be silenced. All day today 99 percent of my activity has been me posting anti SOPA material  because I decided that would be more effective than just boycotting the internet for a day.

Honestly, we can’t let this pass. It would kill the internet as we know it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obligatory Happy new year 2012 post.

LOL. It’s not an obligation. I’d have done it anyway.

Well well. What can I say about 2011? At the beginning of 2011, I decided to keep a food journal. My plan was to keep it up every day for a year. Even though that didn’t happen, I’ve made lots of progress on that front. Maybe not in the immediate past, because let’s face it, everyone goes a little nuts with food around the holidays.

Early in the summer of 2011, I decided to get a newspaper route because I was having considerable trouble finding work.  I had to bike up to 5 miles a day for that, depending on the roads I took. In between making smarter food choices and delivering the newspaper from early June through late September, I lost about 40 pounds, give or take a couple.

I stopped delivering the paper on September 24th. It was getting increasingly cold in the mornings, and I straight out told the guy who got me started and had me sign paperwork that since I was riding a bike, it was highly likely I’d have to stop delivering once it got too cold. Also, there’s something about waking up at 5am every morning that kind of lords itself over you. I miss watching the world wake up and seeing the sunrise, but I probably wouldn’ t ever get a paper route again, unless I lived somewhere that didn’t have such drastic seasonal changes.

It was fun delivering papers but at the same time, it kind of sucked some of the fun out of my summer. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything during the day because “I have the paper tomorrow”. And I couldn’t go anywhere overnight without getting a sub to deliver my papers, so it took away some of that spontaneity of summer. Overall, it was fun though, and I’m glad I did it.

In August, since I had finished my paper route, I was back to putting in a lot of job applications online, since I didn’t have a car I could hop in to drive to a bunch of places to apply.

By chance I got an interview at kmart. I’d had one there before, a couple years prior, and didn’t ever hear anything from that. I didn’t have high hopes but I decided I was going to go all out for this one. I did some online research, both on the company, and just interviews in general. What I should say. What I should ask. That sort of thing.

When it was time for the interview, I dressed WAY too nice. Like I would to go to a wedding. I figured that couldn’t hurt. I even wore heels I could barely walk in.

I was still kind of apprehensive about it, because I haven’t had a lot of prior luck with interviews. So I was pretty surprised when whoever interviewed me told me at the end of it that when the background check came back clean (which I knew it would, save for what I already told them about) that I would have the job.

Those were the biggest changes in 2011. Prior to getting that job in August, I hadn’t had an hourly wage job since 2009, so it’s taken some getting used to. I’m only part time right now, but with the state of the economy, jobs and all that jazz, I’m lucky to have a job at all. The longest shift I work is 5 and a half hours, but it’s usually closer to 4 and a half. I know such a small shift would seem like a welcome vacation to some of you full timers, but it’s been so difficult for me to find a job that I can’t afford to complain. Also, with the back and knee problems I have that I can’t afford to have looked at, I can’t really stand like that for 8 hours at a time anyway.

What do I want to accomplish in 2012? I’m not quite sure yet. I want to keep on with being healthier. If I lost another 40 pounds this year it wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all. I would like to lose more than that, but I think the slower you lose weight the more likely you are to keep it off.  So I’ll be patient.

In 2012, I want to pay off my fine and get my driver’s license back. I want to maybe start taking community college classes again so I can finish that degree and start considering going to a university. I’m not entirely sure yet.

Throughout the year, I discovered new music, old music that was new to me, and music I’d loved before that I was ready to listen to again.  This entry is long enough, so I’ll take the liberty to put all that music in a separate post.

http://careofclearlake.blogspot.com/2012/01/music-of-my-2011.html

Also, in 2011, I got my first paid job as an artist. A friend of my mother’s was looking for someone to design a logo for a shrimp farm in Texas. She suggested I try my hand at designing a logo. I did, and the company decided to use it. When I cash the check, I’ll have made 100 dollars, which will officially make it the first time someone paid me to create art.

Speaking of art, I have one more accomplishment I’d like to add here. Towards the beginning of 2011, I decided to try my hand at a post a day art blog, where I’d post something new every day for a year. That didn’t last all year either. It got up into the 200s, but after that, I couldn’t do it anymore. It led me to create some great art that I might not have done if it weren’t for my project, but I discovered most of my art is much too complex to produce something brand new every single day. You can go through old entries there if you like.

http://bluesilversartproject.blogspot.com/

When I ended that one, I decided to begin an art blog with a more forgiving timeline. I decided that I was going to illustrate/take a picture for every Thomas Dolby song.

http://cornerofmymindseye.blogspot.com/

In addition to being a place to post my artistic interpretations of Mr. Dolby’s work, the blog quickly grew into a music art blog in general, since so much of my art is inspired by what I listen to.