Watching paper cups of coffee growing cold before my eyes, all the things I see that make me realize I’m in this big world without you, nothing to my name.. Oh, I never knew that blue sky meant such pain.

-“Blue Sky”, by A-Ha.

*This is a long goddam entry, just to warn you*

Not only was today the worst day of my working life, it was the worst singular day of my entire life, from the time I was first conscious to right now.

First off, I was in bed until 7:30 and I had to be at work at 8. I had time to eat breakfast and get dressed, then I had to be out the door.

Once again, the register where everybody clocks in was giving me a hard time, so I just went “Fuck it”… We can write down the times we work and the boss lady will put them into the payroll… Besides, I could see that there was already a pile of dishes waiting for me, and I didn’t want to let them sit there.

So, I hadn’t been at work that long (your sense of time disappears when there is no clock to look at) when the boss lady was all “You’d better get on these, soon you’ll be getting bus tubs..” and said a little more but I really can’t remember what else. It was so hard for me to not blurt out “Well I can only do things so fucking fast, okay?”…
Also, not too far into the day, the boss lady was helping work the stove, and she motioned me over. Before I tell this bit, I should say that underneath one of the little oven things is the place where we store the rectangular pans of various sizes that they cook stuff in… So the boss lady motions me over and says something about, the pans need to be stacked right, or else they slide off and fall on our feet, and that really hurts. My very first, split second thought was, ‘Maybe you should wear proper shoes to work instead of sandals’, but it wasn’t a second before I said “Well I’m sorry they were put there that way, but I wasn’t the only one putting them away [yesterday]” and I broke down into tears. If it’s one thing I loathe about myself it’s how easily I cry. I fucking hate it. But I couldn’t help it.

On and off over the whole rest of the day, I was bursting into tears, because I wasn’t sure how in the fucking world I was going to ever finish without someone there helping me. Anyway. On with the day.

Pretty soon, the incessant monotony that made today my worst day ever began. Dishes just kept coming and coming, and I fell behind. I had time to get TWO glasses of water all day. I brought a bag of cough drops (because my throat’s being fucking stupid), and I barely even had time to unwrap those… And I was still behind. I had to be constantly either washing or putting away..

And more dishes kept coming. PM Park usually is open until 3pm, then they close for an hour to prepare for the evening. But while at work yesterday, my brother and I heard that they were no longer closing.

It was true. I was so behind, and yet people kept coming in, and I would barely get the dishes out of ONE bus tub before a FULL one was put right back in its place.

I called home, I can’t remember when. It almost felt like halfway through the day, but it was probably only a couple hours before I got home.. But I was damn near hysterical. I went ‘Is my brother home yet? I’ve fallen very behind at work, I can’t do it by myself’.. My dad actually had to ask me to repeat myself about four times, I was apparently crying that hard.

I know. It’s not a good idea to cry at work, but I had held it off as long as I humanly could, I really had no control over it at that point… I did regain control, but.. it was that bad.

I never did learn if my brother was home but dad said he’d talk to mom and see what he could do.

Which was nothing. It wasn’t his fault, and this isn’t against him, but I was really, really disappointed when nobody showed up. I mean, the boss lady could have called someone else and ask if they could help out for a couple hours…

Fuck’s sake.

Once again, only ONE of the servers helped me out. There was a point during the day in which I was totally swamped, and the server girls are sitting out front.. And one of them that’s a nursing student was telling a birthing story. A fucking birthing story. Did it ever occur to them that if they have a few free minutes, they could at least put away some clean plates? Fuck’s sake. I mean really.

And my server problem is not just mine… One of the three nice servers that works there was talking about how the other waitresses (I call them servers.. they’re the same thing, really) never finished up their jobs before leaving work. So it’s not just me who thinks some people aren’t pulling their weight.

My god.

When I finally did leave, there was one tray full of clean dishes to be put away (there were no others left), but I had to get out of there before more dishes came in. The boss didn’t care, but she did seem slightly torked that I hadn’t clocked in.

Once again, I was in such a hurry to leave that I didn’t ask her what hours I’d be working this week  (fuck’s sake, it was 5pm when I got home), but when I call her tomorrow, I am telling her I cannot work until Saturday. She needs someone before then, tough. She will have to pull somebody out of thin air, then.

It is my punishment for not scheduling another dishwasher on fucking MEMORIAL DAY.

MEMORIAL DAY, WHEN EVERY OLD FART, HIS WIFE, AND THEIR GODDAM DOG GO OUT TO EAT

It’s a fucking holiday, and you schedule just ONE dishwasher?

Yesterday was bad enough, and it was not only NOT a holiday, I had my brother helping me out. My brother even told me on the way home that I’d have been screwed if he hadn’t been there to help out.
Well, today was at the very least as bad, if not worse. I’m fairly certain it was worse.

I don’t give two shits if I have to take a couple days’ lost pay. I wouldn’t even be scheduled all the days of the week, so I’m not sure I’m taking that much of a cut. Besides, she did tell me she likes people to have a few days in a row off.

Besides, to be able to even DO my job this weekend, I will need a few days off.

It’s like hell week.. You know, in stage shows and for concerts.. Hell week! The week before the big performance. That’s what working at PM Park is like, I swear… Except, there is no performance or ending of the Hell until the summer is over.

Summer used to be my favorite season, but it will cease to be the longer it goes on. I used to look so forward to summer.

No longer. Not if working at shitty restaurants like PM Park is my fate.

Which is why.. I might put moving out on hold to go back to school… So I won’t have to wash dishes the rest of my life.

But.. I don’t know. It all depends on how much money I’ve made by the time PM Park closes in September-October.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say today.

You know, it’s funny. When I read this entry back to myself months from now, I’ll probably think I was overreacting or being melodramatic or something, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not able to deal with as much as I should, I don’t know.

Okay. I’m seriously ending the entry now. I need to eat dinner. I haven’t had anything since 7:30am except ice water and cough drops.

 

Advertisements

Spread your little wings and fly away….

-“Spread Your Wings”, by Queen.

Hello there everyone….

Let me just say now that each day I work, I’ll probably have something to say here.. Some of it may be ranting or stuff I just need to get off my chest… My point is, if you don’t want to read about my work days or possible rants on them, don’t read my blog. I’m not in the mood to care right now.

Okay, so today at work started out horridly, I’m not sure why. Probably because I knew how busy it was going to get… My brother had said he’d be able to work today.. When he called the boss lady yesterday, there was a wedding going on at PM Park (yes, people get MARRIED there), so she didn’t answer. I told the boss lady my brother was free today and could work…

So, at work, I called him. I’d probably been there about an hour and a half, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

He came in at around 10:00am, and it was surprising and a little startling how fast my attitude and mood changed… I actually scared myself because at one or two points during the day, I was actually having fun…  We talked about a lot of things. One thing, which I thought I was just imagining, my brother confirmed.

Sometimes, we have to leave the kitchen to put cups and plates away, and the servers like to congregate by the register when they don’t have people to serve.
Every time I walk out there, the servers glare at me like I have the pox, or the plague or something. When I told my brother this I expected him to tell me it was just me and my social ineptitude, but he actually confirmed it… (I am used to being told that things like that are in my mind). There is one server that works weekends (maybe she works other times, but I’ve only ever seen her on weekends)and she just gives off this bitch vibe. The others are nice, but she is different.

I’d seen her around at NIACC, and even then I got this sort of vibe off her…  It was so bad today, I could practically see this aura floating around her every time I saw her… It was just like, argh.

And, another thing torked the both of us off. When the servers have nothing to do, they stand outside and eat, and blab, and do anything but work.. Meanwhile, the dishwashers have a million dishes to do, so we can’t be worrying about ferrying the filled bus tubs (they put the dirty dishes in them) back to the kitchen. I probably counted two or three times the entire day that a server actually brought back a bus tub… 

On days like today, we have to be constantly washing and putting away dishes to keep up with the workload.. I mean fuck. I didn’t even have time to use the restroom the whole day….

Another thing that made us a little mad. How the servers eat all day. They steal extra bits of food from the cooks, they will eat bits and pieces of anything in a fucking tray back there, they even bloody order their own goddam food while we’re still working, meanwhile, the only thing dishwashers have time to consume is soda.. if we even have time to go get a glass of it.

This is not a rag on servers, because I know they have a hard job. We all do in our own way.

It’s just that everything about PM park just.. rubs me the wrong way, if you will.

Okay, so anyway. After work (and after we got cleaned up), my brother and I went to the lake to hang out for a bit. The sky was insane, it was like there was a storm coming. Actually, just from the time we headed for the car to the time we were in it, the sky had gotten darker. Not long after we got home, the tornado watch siren thing went off.. We didn’t get hit around here but I think some people in Minnesota got hammered pretty bad…

But, okay. We went to see the new Indiana Jones movie, and I loved it. I don’t see what everyone is bitching about, really. It had some moments reminiscent of the original ones (which was nice), but it was different.

It had some real laugh out loud moments, and some sit on the edge of your seat moments, and some “that’s disgusting, but it’s awe striking” ones..
But, seriously.

Of course it’s not as bloody good as the first three, okay? We all know that, 9 times out of 10, sequels are not as good as originals. It’s not the goddam second coming. I liked that it was farther in the future, and put a newer sort of spin on it. I liked how they did it. Anybody who says that it didn’t feel like Indy can just go stuff it, really.

So, I was actually going to wait until after work tomorrow to write this, but…

Since I went to the doctor, I have not been getting bad sinus headaches. Granted my sinuses do not feel normal, but I am not suffering as much in that area. The acid reflux thing, while it is better, is not perfect. It doesn’t keep me up quite as bad. I probably just need to get the meds in my system.

However, the drainage and my throat are not getting ANY better. I think I might have tonsilitis (sp), because I don’t think all those problems were allergy problems. During the day my swallowing is pretty much fine, but in the evenings, sometimes I have to try to swallow three times before I can actually swallow. I don’t know. It’s just really annoying, and I can’t deal with this shit every night for the rest of my life. I have a follow up appointment in a week or two, and I’m going to tell the doctor some of this crap…

I wanted so bad for all the problems just to be allergies and acid reflux, but.. I think there is more to the throat thing. Maybe I’m allergic to something besides the normal allergens like pollen, pet dander, etc… I don’t know. I might just be overly paranoid because I’m working more than I’m used to, and I’m tired.

I hope that is it.

For now I’m going to try and sleep before work tomorrow. It’s weird to think, but Friday was my Monday and tomorrow will be my Friday… All I am telling the boss lady is that I cannot work Tuesday, but she better not schedule me on Wednesday either. I would work it if she did, I just wouldn’t be happy about it.

In other news, I lost the first auction for a digital camera, but I used the ‘buy now’ option on another, and I’m paying at least 15 dollars less than the fucker who beat me at the auction (I could have won it, but the Indiana Jones movie started like 20 minutes before the auction ended. I’d have been fine waiting though, the theatre was so late starting the movie.

Okay, I’m really going to bed now.

Someone saved my life tonight…

I’m back, like I said I would be. 🙂

So, today work kind of sucked ass even though it wasn’t overly busy, and I was only there for 5 and a half hours.

This morning, I forgot to take my allergy medication… I didn’t realize this until I was at work, but I shrugged and went “Whatever, it won’t be that big of a deal”.

WRONG.

I guess I didn’t notice what sort of a difference it was making until I missed a dose. My head hurt all day, and I just felt like walking death.. My little monthly friend decided to visit this week, and that did not help my feeling like shit factor at all. I had these horrid, gut wrenching cramps most of the morning. In all actuality, I wanted to ask if they’d let me go home, but 1: I need the money, and 2: since it’s a weekend, I thought business would pick up in the afternoon… Which it didn’t…

Tomorrow will make up for it, though. Normally, Sundays are PM Park’s busiest day of the week anyway, but with it being Memorial Day weekend and all, the business is going to be extreme. I will be rapid fire washing dishes all day. ALL day.

Speaking of which, my brother might go in to work tomorrow, which means it’d be he and I doing the dishes together. That I could handle. One of us could rinse off the dishes, and one of us could put them away. It’s so much faster and more efficiant doing it that way…

But anyway.

So today, I went to town with my mother.. I wanted to see if I could get some prints from some pictures still on my digital camera.. and I discovered that my camera now takes pictures. I just can’t change the setting or see what I’m doing…

Still. I bid on a camera on eBay.. The auction ends tomorrow.. If I win (which I should), I’ll be getting a brand new, never been opened FujiFilm Fine Pix A600 for little over 40 bucks, with shipping… But knowing my busted camera at least *takes* pictures will make the wait a little easier to bear…

I get paid on Friday. As I said, the auction ends tomorrow, and the seller requires payment within a week. After I win the auction (assuming I do), I will tell them that I get paid on Friday and that the payment will be sent right after I get my check.. I won’t even go home first. Straight to the bank, and then to the post office to send out the payment.

Knowing my camera still takes pictures might make me wait to get another camera, but.. as I said, you still can’t see anything on the screen. That makes changing modes and anything else like that impossible, really. I can’t get any of those macro shots I love to get, and my aim is a little off without the screen. I can still manage to get mostly what I want, but.. I just need to have a new camera.

 I will keep the busted one for parts.. If, someday, something on the new camera goes awry, I can potentially use parts from the old one to fix it (providing the problem with the new camera didn’t have to do with the LCD screen)…

So, even though today sucked ass at first, it turned out all right…

So it would seem we’ve still got a long long way to go

I’ve seen all I wanna see today…”

-Phil Collins, ‘Long long way to go’.

Greetings, ladies and germs.

Work was beyond dead today. As far as work days go, it was an all right day, but I got just a little torked at more than one point.

It was okay for the servers to sit around more than half the day, just talking and basically doing nothing, but I couldn’t stop doing something for two seconds without being told to find something to do, or being asked if somebody needed to find me something to do.

Fuck’s sake, dude.

Apparently it’s not called ‘wasting time’ until I’m seen doing it, and I didn’t even waste that much time. If there was something I could be doing, I did it, but there are only so many things I can do.

I can only sweep so many times.  I can only wash windows so many times. I washed them twice as it was (because apparently I didn’t do it right the first time; nevermind that most of the grime is on the outside of the window).

I couldn’t help it if there was literally nothing for me to do. It is not my fault for being scheduled on a day when they clearly did not need me. If you’re stupid enough to schedule someone who technically does not need to be there,  you almost deserve to pay them to do nothing. It’s her [the boss lady’s] loss, really, because she’s the one paying an extra employee. Seems to me that you’d want to schedule the least amount of employees you could get by with, so you’d save money on wages. Whatever.

I’m not going to complain too badly about it, because whether or not I was needed today, I still made 40 bucks. I didn’t even mind being at work that much. With the exception of the inactivity, it really wasn’t a bad day. It’s just the principle of the thing. Being told to find something to do when there really is nothing more I can do, you know?

Whatever. So. I lied about my flowers yesterday. You know how I said they’d look like this:

.

Well, one of the buds opened up today, and they are actually the same color as this one:

With the red outside petals and deep purple inside ones. It was a pleasant surprise.

Well, today was my brother’s last day of school, and my mom’s as well (she’s a librarian/teacher), so the family is going out to eat. I will be back tomorrow to rant about my day (which will be much, much busier than today was).

🙂

 

 

Can you see the real me? [“I went back to the doctor…” edition]

-The Who, “The Real Me”.

Well, hello there.

Today was, as you know, the day of my doctor’s appointment to check for ulcers. I had an ultrasound, which was lovely because I had to try not to laugh the whole time (I’m extremely ticklish, especially on my stomach). At least it was darkish in there so the lady couldn’t see my fat. xD

Then, I had a stomach xray.

First off, I had to wear those lovely hospital gowns. There is a thinner bit that you put on first that closes in the back, then a longer robe thing you put on that ties in the front. I still failed to know that I’d have to be showing my legs…. so I felt nice and naked, even though I was pretty much covered up…

Okay. So, they make you drink this lovely stuff that is like liquid antacid, only three times as thick. The taste wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, it was the texture. It was like some kid ground up a bunch of chalk and mixed it with water and jello that hadn’t set up yet. It was slimy. If flubber was real and had a liquid form, I’m pretty sure it would have been something like that.
Ew. I should say that you’re standing on a tiny platform attached to a huge machine, most of which  you can’t see because it’s behind you. They put this screen thing in front of your stomach. Then they make you drink the liquid flubber.
Then, they give you this cup of fizzy stuff (it’s a gas that opens up your esophagus and such so they can see better).. It tasted like a sour flavored soda. Not necessarily bad. You just can’t burp or they’ll have to give you more lol. Then they flip you the fuck over. Thanks man, like I’m not already feeling nauseous enough from drinking that liquid chalk.

Let me just say, it’s fucking weird seeing inside  your own body. Weird. And it was lovely that they had me rolling and scooching over, and that totally was starting to hike up my stupid hospital garb… and it didn’t help my embarassment that I of course had a MALE doctor (wasn’t all that horrible looking either). That helped. xD

But.. he told me I didn’t have any ulcers, just the reflux… which is good news. But I kinda wish we’d already known that, because I don’t even want to start thinking about how much all this is going to cost, since I am uninsured, and I can’t get Title 19 because I still live with my parents… ^^;

So anyway. After I was done there, I went to Wal-Mart for the hell of it. I got a pretty flowering plant to put in the big planter bucket outside (which I plant flowers in every year). It has a bunch of buds on it, but no blooms yet. This is what they’ll look like once they bloom:

If we can find any peppermint coolers, I’ll put a few of those around it. These are what peppermint coolers look like:

 

I can remember planting peppermint coolers like the ones above in our flowerbeds at a very young age, so they’ve always sorta been my favorite cute, nostalgic little flowers.

I have to work tomorrow, as you all know, so I have nothing else planned for today but just relaxing in preperation of my super busy four days ahead. You know, it’s weird, because Friday will be my Monday, and Monday will be my Friday.

Before I end this entry, I just want to say that all of you need to listen to “Layla” by Derek and the Dominos, because that song is seven kinds of amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDo9t53eb1s.

The whole song is amazing, but the prettiest piano melody in the world is at the end.. Skip ahead to about 3:10 to see what I mean.

Okay. Plug over. I’m going to eat lunch and go watch tv. 🙂 I’ll probably be back tomorrow evening to write about my workday and such. TTYL.

You can do magic, you can have anything that you desire. Magic.. and you know, you’re the one who can put out the fire…

-“You can do magic”, by America.

Howdie there ladies and germs.

Okay, so I called the hoidy toidy doctor’s office to see about getting prescribed cheaper meds, and of course they found something cheaper… My question is, why didn’t they start out with the fucking cheaper shit to begin with? I got prescribed Claritin D and some generic version of Zantac.

Altogether, it cost thirty bucks.

Thirty goddam dollars.
If we hadn’t challenged what we were written at first, we’d have been out 300 dollars. Good lord.
Anyway. My dad gave me 50 bucks to get the prescriptions, and he told me to keep the rest, I could pay him back when I get paid. Which is fine with me. I’ll have almost 300 bucks on my first paycheck. Take out the what, 40 I need to get my camera back, and the 20 to pay dad back, and that’s still like, 240 bucks going straight into my savings account. I might keep out like, ten, just to have a little pocket money. I might see a movie here in town or something, since it’s super cheap. Whatever.

Just. I have to work Friday-Monday. I’m just glad I get four days off this week.

My stomach xray is on Thursday. I could probably work that day (after my xray and such) but when I called my boss today, she said Friday-Monday, since it’s Memorial Day weekend… Which.. if I can survive those four days in a row, I should be fine the rest of the summer. It will be hard on me granted; that’s only because I’m not in the habit of being on my feet that much. I’m sure once I get used to it, I won’t even think on it.

I went to the second hand store and got two amazing champagne glasses, an album by Jackson Browne, and a crapload of good 45’s, including:

Surfer Girl/Little Deuce Coupe by the Beach Boys.
Mama Told Me (not to come) by Three Dog Night (that song freaking rocks).
White Rabbit, by Jefferson Airplane. I freaked out when I saw it. It’s pretty well used, though.
My Kinda Lover, by Billy Squier. Yay.
867-5309, by Tommy Tutone… I had to. xD
Jive Talkin’, by the Bee Gees.
And… Freaking Eleanor Rigby/Yellow Submarine by the Beatles. Never in the entire history of forever did I think I’d find any Beatles vinyl at a second hand store. Surely I figured people are either too obsessed or figure they could get money out of it. Well. The Eleanor Rigby side is a bit scratched up, but I don’t care. I had to buy it.

Okay. My maniacal vinyl rambling aside… Tomorrow, I don’t really have any plans. I’m trying to relax and rest up for my four days of work in a row… I might go to the antique stores around town to look for records and stemware.. Stemware is my new obsession. For some reason, I just LOVE stemware glasses. I’m mostly buying a bunch because of how they’d look in pictures, but also because I love drinking out of them [even if it’s just orange juice, it makes me feel elegant]…

I’ve got like 10 of the goddam things. Ranging from this heavy glass goblet to the thin champagne classes I found today… Dad told me today that I had to stop buying them [stemware glasses in general], which I won’t. I just won’t keep any more in the cupboard. I see it this way. It’s better than being addicted to alcohol, or drugs, and it’s better than me stuffing my face with candy bars, so fuck off.

I can’t wait to go to Vanessa’s. I’m packing all my stemware, I want to have a huge photo shoot with Vanessa. She’s a great subject to photograph. 
I have a few ideas for photos in general but I’m not telling, in case any of you assholes want to steal them. 😉

Anyway, I’m fairly certain that this entry is way long enough. I’m going to piss around on the intarwebz a little more and then go to bed.

If I have an interesting day or find something good at the antique stores tomorrow, I’ll be back.

Good night.

My melancholy blues…

All right. So, I thought I’d give you guys a little update.

This morning, I said that today we’d get my two prescriptions filled, right?

Wrong.

Mom went to check the prices at the Wal-Mart pharmacy, and for just one month of both medications, the total cost would be 300 dollars.

While we can technically afford that.. That’s just outrageous.

There is NO reason that shit should cost that much. Does that fucking doctor think my parents are made of money? I already feel bad enough that I was too pussy to deal with this stuff on my own, and that I have no health insurance, so my parents have to fork out all this shit out of pocket. It’s bad enough I can’t even help pay… All that shit is continuing to drive me mad as we speak. I’ve started to change what I eat, and I want to be more active, but when this shit keeps you up half the night, it really drains your energy just to get around your own goddam  house, let alone working for 5+ hours like I will be doing tomorrow.. That’s not even including doing any extra working out.

Needless to say, I’m pissed, and I feel like shit. Sometimes during the day, it’s almost managable, but right now, all I want to do is go cry, but that will just irritate my sinuses.

I don’t know how I’m going to goddam survive this. I really don’t.

I mean, shit dude. I haven’t even eaten anything since lunch and with the state of my stomach, you’d think I’d just eaten a fuckton of Mexican food. How can my stomach be upset when I haven’t eaten anything for hours?

Work tomorrow is going to be a blast, I can tell you that right now. Bright and early at 8 in the fucking morning.. Until at least 3, probably well after since Sunday is their biggest business day (that’ll be just fucking great during Community Band season…)

I hate to unload all this, but I just need to say it.

You know, looking at it all, it’s my fault.. .and it all started when I fucked up in college. I mean fuck. I’d still be on dad’s health insurance, so the meds wouldn’t be a problem. I’d still have my Heartland Inn job, so I wouldn’t be the yard working, fruit slicing dishwasher of PM Park.

I always used to wonder why older folk always said “If I’d known then what I know now”.. I think I’m finally beginning to understand what they mean.