Two entries in two days? I’m weird.

I must have some unwritten rule about this blog that I must go for months without updating at all then write several entries within the span of a few days.

Whatever.

I just feel like talking about something that’s bothering me helps, even if nobody reads it. And we all know how long it’s been since someone other than me read this blog.

I had literally just woken up, and I hobble downstairs to the kitchen, and the first words out of my dad’s mouth went something to the effect of “You job hunting today? You don’t have many hours you need more”.

Ok, no shit sherlock.  I didn’t know I needed more hours. I don’t know, my dad is convinced that if I actually go out and look I’ll somehow be more successful in my job search. I don’t know how, since most places have online applications now. I mean, maybe going to the small bars and stuff around the area would help, but I just don’t have the energy for that. Yesterday I was sweating bullets because I thought people at the library were staring at and making fun of me behind my back. I just don’t have the energy to go into a bunch of places I’ve never been in before and talk to people I don’t know.

Let’s face it, I have a social anxiety problem that I want to pretend I don’t have so I can be normal, but when I have lows like this, I can’t pretend I don’t have a problem.

It’s not an “excuse” and it’s not something I can just easily get over, POOF, just like that. I’m trying to work on it, but jesus, I can’t fix it all in a short time.

As if that wasn’t enough, then mom joined in the fun, in a different way. For a while now, I’ve been making a fruit smoothie for breakfast. It’s one thing I know I can do, in regards to trying to be healthier. I used to get these grandiose plans and then get discouraged because the plans would kind of fizzle and die out after about a week. Instead, I started with a small thing I know would be doable.

So, I’m in the kitchen, drinking my smoothie, waiting for my mom to be out of the bathroom from taking her morning bath before work. The bathroom door opens, and the first thing she says to me was along the lines of “You know when you drink it out of a straw you don’t get the full flavor, you taste it more if you don’t just suck it down your throat”

Like it’s not enough that for a few weeks now I’ve been having a smoothie for breakfast pretty much every day, it’s that I’m drinking it through a straw. The point of the fruit smoothie thing was for me to be taking in nutrients I probably wouldn’t eat otherwise. I don’t drink enough milk, so I put milk in almost all my smoothies. Along with frozen berries, or whatever fresh fruit we have on hand at the time.  It’s not about the taste. It’s about me consuming healthy things I probably wouldn’t have just eaten during the day.

I don’t think she means to, but christ, my mother can be quite a character. There have been days I’ve done several chores throughout the house, and without skipping a beat she completely ignores anything I did and instead fixates on what didn’t get done. Ignores if I’ve done all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen, and instead bitches that the laundry didn’t get done or that nobody dusted in the house.

It’s just easy for it to feel hopeless. Lately I haven’t even had energy for the things I enjoy doing, let alone chores in the house. I need to clean out my car, it looks like shit, I need to be going through the stuff in my room and get rid of stuff I don’t want, in case my parents move soon, there’s so much shit I need to do, and I don’t even have the energy to do the fun stuff, the stuff I used to love doing. I’ve had artist’s block for a long time now, I never write anymore, I take pictures but never get them uploaded or show them to anyone. I don’t know.

Sometimes it’s a chore just to get up in the morning, because even after not even being awake for two hours, I just wish night time would come so I could go back to bed.

I’ve written a list of some places I can submit online applications for, and I’m going to try to get something else in the house done to make myself feel better but I don’t know. I hope I’m in a better mood soon

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I suppose I should check in so y’all don’t think I died or something.

*insert witty quip about how nobody reads this blog anyway so why say “y’all” here*

Anyway, I figured I should update this blog because it’s been a while, although I’m pretty sure the only purpose this blog will serve will be giving me reading material once I end up in the nursing home.

Not much has really happened, except it seems that summer is finally here. Two weeks ago, my dad had the snowblower out. Now, it’s like 75 degrees and plants outside are finally turning green. Lol what is weather

As far as the work situation goes, nothing much has changed. Except, they just hired a few new people, so for the last month, I’ve only been working like, Saturday and Sunday, then having Monday through Thursday off, then working Fri-Sat-Sun and then having Monday through Friday off. Next week it finally goes back to somewhat normal, but honestly, I still need hours.

As usual the parental units are harping on me that I need another job or more hours, and honestly. I know it’s as frustrating for them as it is for me (or even moreso), but constantly harping on me isn’t going to make a job just appear.

I’m sure this is gonna make me sound like a broken record, but I just feel like my folks don’t really understand, despite having gone through their share of hardships in life.

I know I’ve got social anxiety, and that’s no walk in the park. It’s uncomfortable as fuck. Even though my logical mind knows that none of the old people in the library give two fucks about me, it still feels like they’re all staring at me and that they talk about me and laugh at me once I leave. It’s stupid, because I know they’re not doing it, but that doesn’t stop me from looking around nervously and sweating like a sinner in church.

That’s not a problem I feel is understood by my parents. As I’ve said many times before, they’re of the mindset that you have to make up your mind to do something, and do it, as if it were easy.

Part of me understands where they’re coming from; after all, if you’ve got a phobia, you can’t just shut yourself away your whole life and avoid said phobia completely. You have to gradually get over the fear, or at the very least learn to manage it. On the other hand, if it was as easy as making up one’s mind to do something and then doing it, nobody would ever have any problems, ever.

I guess it’s just weird because I’ve noticed my social anxiety problems gradually getting better, so I guess it’s just harder to deal with when I have a bad social anxiety day.

And the depression. Nine times out of ten, I only have any problems with it at all during what I like to call Hell Week (aka PMS). And even though I know it’ll go away within a few days, I will have a day or two each month where I have the same crippling depression that I used to have pretty much all the time just a few years ago. Just today I struggled with some of it. I didn’t even want to do things that I enjoy doing today, let alone doing anything productive. This happens more than I’d like.

And that gets written off as laziness. I admit, I am lazier than most people, but half the time it’s because I can’t seem to muster up any energy, or motivation. See, even now, I like saying I only have problems with depression during Hell Week, but really, it is present in everyday life, it’s just usually more subtle.

Like, why try at work when you know nobody gives a shit? Why do anything around the house to help out your mother, when you know she’s just going to ignore anything you did and instead bitch about all the chores that didn’t get done? Why try looking for a job? You’re just going to waste your time putting in dozen of applications and then never even get a call back.

This is no way to life one’s life, and yet I don’t know what to do, so I do nothing.

Also, I don’t want to alarm anyone because I would never even consider taking my own life, but more and more I seem to ask myself the question “What’s the point? Nothing ever works out and nobody cares, so why are you even here?”

So I think that’s the depression talking. I used to think it had pretty much gone away, but as I said before, it’s not gone, it’s just more subtle than it was before. I never want to do even things I used to love doing before. I hardly ever go to the beach anymore, I never take pictures, I almost never draw great things like I used to, I hardly ever read anymore… it’s like more and more I just get into these funks where I don’t feel like doing anything except sitting in bed, waiting for it to be night time.

I’m trying to believe things can get better but it’s just so hard sometimes.