Ngl, faith in the world pretty non existent…

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had a pretty shitty couple weeks. For one, my work at the pizza place is still only giving me shit for hours. Barely a 3 hour shift a week, and I just haven’t had the fucking energy to do anything about it. I’ve tried talking to the boss briefly but that did fuckall.

I’ve thought of sending an email to corporate, but I haven’t had the energy/spoons for that either. Besides, I’m not even sure what I would even say. “Hey I got hired as part time but I’m not even working 10 hours a MONTH, let alone a week”? What would they even do? Probably fuckall. I’ll still probably send them an email but I don’t expect anything to be done about it. I haven’t heard back about either of the interviews I’ve had in the past two weeks, and once place that failed to call me back about scheduling an interview about a month ago has a listing for I’m pretty sure the exact job I applied for. My application should still be on file.

I couldn’t afford to get my parents an anniversary present, I couldn’t afford to get dad a birthday present… In fact the money he told me to keep for gas, I literally didn’t spend any of it on gas because I needed toiletries, cat litter, cat food, etc. I have a few more days before my ebt card reloads and I’m down to one box of mac and cheese, one ramen package, a package of pasta, one can of pasta sauce, oatmeal, and hot cereal. I technically have a partial bag of frozen veg in the freezer, too. So it’s not as if I have no food in the house, but I’ll be fucked if I have even have the energy to stand in the kitchen for ten minutes to cook anything.

Case in point. All I ate yesterday was some chocolate cake I made (I had to use watered down coffee creamer because I’m fuckin out of milk) and a ramen packet with one egg in it (the last one, so now I’m out of those too) and coffee. Which probably has something to do with the no energy thing, but even if I had energy, fuckall if I have any motivation.

Also, my back has hurt like a bitch for going on a couple days now. Way back in 2007 I had back strain in regards to my lower back, and while it usually doesn’t bother me much, for the past couple days it’s hurt so bad I had to lean on the counter to do dishes yesterday. I managed to walk a couple blocks to the library, where I’m at right now, but it sure makes getting shit done impossible.

I can’t go into detail about the recent events in the news because I don’t really keep up on it, but what is with all the fucking shootings? The Las Vegas bullshit, the New York dude-blew-up-a-rental-truck shit, and I guess there was a church shooting in Texas or something? Plus president shit for brains either says something stupid or rolls out plans for some new policy designed to fuck over women, people of color, or poor people. Which is why I pretty much isolate myself from the news. If it wasn’t obvious, I’m really not in a good mental place right now and the last fucking thing I need is to hear some heartbreaking news story and feel bad because honestly, I fall more towards the poor end of the “being rich enough to donate/being poor enough to need donations” scale.

My escape has been video games, reading fanfic, or more sporadically, drawing, but it’s hard as fuck to try to improve at drawing faces when you can barely find the motivation to bathe (on that note, dry shampoo was the best like several bucks I ever spent, back when I could actually afford that shit).

Idk. I don’t want to drone on and on about this shit because I’d like to at least enjoy part of the rest of my day, but I also know it’s been a million years since I wrote anything here, and I honestly couldn’t think of another reason to come to the library, so here we are.

I managed to find like, what, a buck and a quarter, so I’m going to foolishly spend it on some fucking soda because it’s not like I can afford actual food with that

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Whatever.

Not gonna lie, I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of weeks.

Let’s see. Starting the week before last.
First, I have a huge anxiety attack on what is supposed to be my first day at a new job and they send me home after only an hr and a half. Told me that I absolutely needed my birth certificate b4 I started rly bc if I’d worked there 3 days and still didn’t have it they’d have had to fire me.

So then I buy 2 different prepaid credit cards to try to buy it over the phone or online and one is four bucks short of having the right amount (bc as it turns out the lady at supposed new job told me wrong price) and the other gets declined 5x despite having enough money on it.

So then I decide to make a 2 and a 1/2 hour drive 1way to just order/pick it up in person, and 1 & a half hrs into the drive the car stalls and will not start again, complete with smoke or steam pouring out from under the hood.

So I have to make phone calls about it and end up having my dad’s aunt have to drive to the middle of the country looking for me on the interstate.

So, with some more phone calls and shit the plan is for me to stay at dad’s aunts house (shes cool but I already felt bad about the car and shit). So I end up only having like 3 shirts with me and no extra undies or pants,  and I end up without my meds.

The one med I had already been without for a day bc I forgot to pick up my refill so on Sunday of  hell week, I’ve been without my one med for 5 days, and I’ve been without my other med for 4 days, and I could definitely feel it with all the subtlety of being hit by a freight train.
Then, 2 days into unplanned stay at dads aunts, I get my fuckin period.

So that’s just the week before last. Last week on Monday I called the place to let them know I had my birth certificate and they told me they already filled the position.

Now? I have a 90 dollar electric bill coming due soon because I didn’t pay it last month, and I have an internet bill due, and I’ve only paid half of my portion of the rent this month (section 8 pays most) and my current job didn’t schedule me at all this week,  but I see several positions at the restaurant  (including the job I was hired as) on the job search website I use.

Nevermind current events. A hurricane, another hurricane, the western US is on fire, preisdent shit for brains and the program for Dreamers, an earthquake in Mexico….fuck’s sake, I’m honestly losing my will to live,  here. What’s the fucking point? I thought I was a good person but shit keeps happening and I just don’t see the point if it’s all gonna be shit. I’m always gonna be poor and struggling, working shit jobs, self isolating because I feel disgusting and too weird to be with anyone, like it wouldn’t be fair to expect someone else to deal with my insane bullshit, dating or otherwise. I’ll probably never date anyone else my entire life like the disgusting piece of boring shit I am. Why doesn’t anything ever get better?

 

 

 

 

Whatever.

I never have good titles for these anymore.

So, the job is going okay. I don’t work very much, and honestly for a little while I’m okay with that so I can get used to working again. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my parents bitch that I need more hours or need another job, but right now I honestly need to acclimate to this one before I can consider that. I know it probably sounds like I’m just looking for an excuse to be lazy, but my life has been really trying for me lately.

So, I called a dentist today for the first time in literally years. I’ve neglected my dental health something terrible. It’s literally been a minimum of 5 years since I’ve been to a dentist. I have several teeth that have parts of them cracked or broken off (I can count 5 off the top of my head). I constantly have little tiny cuts on my tongue from the sharp edges of these few broken teeth. I’m sure I either have gum disease or the last stage of whatever it’s called before it’s called gum disease. I’ve known this for a while. And it doesn’t help that when anxiety is particularly bad (as it has been for me) one tends to ignore these things, failing to notice them entirely.

I mean, I know this dentist will have seen way worse teeth than mine, but I’m extremely nervous about this. I’m scared they’ll judge me as some filthy hobo who can’t keep up basic hygiene habits. But that’s something anxiety makes harder. I was already lazy before, but when anxiety is bad I can be so busy trying not to constantly panic that little things go by the wayside. For like a week or more, I was pretty much only eating once a day, and that was only because I’m not supposed to take my morning meds on an empty stomach. And that would be it, all day, because I wouldn’t even have the simple motivation to boil water for a packet of ramen. When my anxiety gets bad, I’m lucky if I take a shower twice a week. Which is disgusting. But when my anxiety gets bad, I can only seem to shower if I’m going to leave the house, or if it’s a bazillion degrees outside.

I do know that I feel much better once I actually have showered, but when it takes a shit ton of effort just to get out of bed and make coffee, showering isn’t first on my to do list.

Plus right now, I have my period, which usually makes my negative moods/behaviors even worse. I mean, I can go from laughing at some ridiculous Star Trek episode (So you’re telling me Spock went nuts because he needed to get laid? Seriously? And why during this battle does Kirk’s shirt get ripped ONCE, RIGHT where his titties are? Really guys?) to crying about making a phone call.

Honestly the last straw with this dentist business was me laying down trying to do a guided meditation, and my toothache was just getting more and more distracting until I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. And that’s part of why it’s been so long since I’ve been to a dentist. If I was having a toothache, I would take ibuprofen and forget about it, or it’d put some orajel on it and the pain wouldn’t come back and I’d forget about it.

I know it’s probably stereotypical to hit age 30 and all of a sudden OH SHIT MY HEALTH IS A THING. It just feels silly, because as people my age are literally graduating college with their masters degrees, having children, getting married, here’s me, YELLING about STAR TREK, and getting SCARED OF MAKING A PHONE CALL, anxiety-ing myself to death about working at a damn pizza joint.

Part of it is I’m really okay with being by myself (well I have a cat, but whatever), but part of it is, I really wouldn’t want to subject another human to my batshit insane behavior. Right now I’m okay with reading smutty fanfiction and watching shitty movies/tv on netflix, I guess.

Ugh.

I’m in the second week of a new job,  and today is only my 3rd real shift. A pizza place on a Friday night,  5-10pm. I won’t be alone, and it’s a fairly small place that only does dine in and carry out, no delivery, but I’m still pretty much shitting my pants right now.  The biggest way ny anxiety manifests itself is I’m pretty much always on high alert for something to go wrong. I’m terrified at the prospect of being overwhelmed and having customers mad at the company knowing it’s my fault.

And I hate this shit where I don’t work until the evening because I don’t have the energy or drive to do anything all day bc I have to save up my energy for work.  Or I’ll be in an okay mood all day but then about an hour before I have to work I get really upset and stressed out like I am now.

I never used to be this bad. Granted I didn’t like being a cashier but my first cashier job that I was at almost 3 years, I never sat and cried for hours bc I didn’t want to work.

I saw my therapist a couple days ago and talked about how a lot of stuff that’s happened in my life,  I absorbed the guilt for (I think her words were it stuck to me). Like, I absolutely have done stupid shit in my life that was my fault, but I guess that I always assume that everything is my fault. And I am so used to fucking up or not being good enough  that I just assume off the bat that that is what’s going to happen. Because it’s easier than thinking otherwise. Because if I assume the worst right off the bat, I might be surprised, but if I hope for something better, it’ll be that much more disappointing when it doesn’t happen. I hate it and I can’t stop.

This is a big reason I isolate myself.  I hate how automatically negative I am and how it affects the way other people view me. Nobody likes a constantly negative downer who shits on everyone’s happiness.

I’m constantly afraid I’m going to let people down. Summarize my life so far, and aside from meeting most of Oingo Boingo  (sans Danny), meeting Howard Jones, and meeting Thomas Dolby, I’m pretty much a failure.

I’ve had lowkey suicidal ideology forever. It’s like I’ve honestly lost the will to really live, but I’m also scared to die and would 100 percent never even attempt to kill myself. So I feel like I’m just constantly wading through neck deep bullshit looking for little distractions. That’s why I play so many video games. Why I end up watching the same 5 or 6 things on netflix because I’m never in the mood for anything.

I have to start getting ready for work, but I may come back afterwards. Idk

Eh, whatever.

Figured I should update here since I haven’t for a while, though I can’t say much has really changed since I last wrote.

I recently had an interview at a pizza place whose name is a lot like Plaza Hat (I don’t like to say the name of these places outright, lest it show up when you google the company) and I’m supposed to call them back on Sunday at like, 2pm. Why they can’t just call me, I don’t know, but whatever.

As with the many interviews I’ve had before this one, I thought it went okay but I’m not exactly holding my breath. I went ahead and put in another dollar type discount place application today just so I don’t feel like shit for doing nothing.

Yesterday was a shit day. I didn’t get an IM from my dad until after he’d already called and I told him about the interview, but my day basically started out in bed hysterically sobbing for 45 minutes while I listened to a guided meditation. In the message, all he had to say was “you need to look harder for a job it’s been 4 months”.

Now, I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to accomplish with this shit. Maybe in his mind it’s just a reminder and he isn’t trying to rag on me, but the reality is that my anxiety hears “SEE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK IT’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY WHY EVEN BOTHER”. I have multiple, continued discussions about this with my therapist, and it’s a running theme in my life, apparently.

Maybe he doesn’t understand how hard it is to live inside my brain, day to day. There are honestly some days I have to struggle like hell just to do the dishes and take a shower on the same day, nevermind actually DOING LAUNDRY or fucking GOING OUTSIDE. Last week I think there were three entire days where I couldn’t leave the house at all.

As I’ve said MANY times before, my dad probably means well but he’s of the older generation that doesn’t understand just how much of the job hunting process now takes place online. He’s from the school of “HIT THE PAVEMENT CALL EVERYONE” but that really isn’t how it works anymore. Not to mention my crippling phone anxiety (how I lasted almost a year at a call center is beyond me, honestly), and the fact that I really can’t afford to be driving all around everywhere job hunting, because I honestly couldn’t even afford a tank of gas right now, so what dad put in the last time he used the car is what I have until I find a job.

And you know, he’s bitching now, and he’d be bitching if I tried to constantly hit him up for gas money, so I don’t know what else he wants me to do.

He has problems in his own life that he hasn’t or refuses to address, and I’m just trying to fucking survive my own crap, so I really try not to dwell on it.

I guess a development I forgot to mention was that, for three months, I’ve once again been approved for food stamps, which was good because I was almost literally out of everything.

A setback is that since dad is currently paying my bills, I have to report that shit as income on my housing assistance, and that might affect the amount of rent they pay, which is bullshit. It’s not income, he’s paying my bills because quite literally I only have 50 dollars in the bank. Until such time as my tax return goes through, I literally have 50 bucks to my name, and I have to keep that in the bank to keep my account open.

I think the reason that I don’t speak up to my parents about certain hurtful things they say is because they currently do so much for me, I don’t feel I have the right to complain. I suppose I haven’t been as courteous to them in the past as I should have been, so right now, I just kind of lie down and take it because for the current moment, without their assistance, Life would have long since bent me over a desk and reamed me without lube. Sometimes it feels like it already has.

It’s hard to deal with this shit knowing how much worse some people have it. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, how can I possibly feel bad because I know there are starving homeless people, that kind of thing.

I’m honestly not going to dwell on it too much right now because I’m coffee hyper and actually in a good mood, so let’s move on.

Let’s see. I’ve been playing a fuckload of dragon age games lately. I just finished another playthrough of Origins, and for the first time imported the world state into a game of Dragon age 2, which I THEN plan to import to a new game of Dragon Age Inquisition. This game really is filling the huge skyrim sized hole in my soul. Skyrim is my first love, but I’ve been playing it for 3 years and until such time as I can either 1, afford ESO, or 2, they release another ES standalone game, this is where it’s at.

I’m literally obsessed with dragon age shit right now. Which feels weird to say as a 30 year old “adult”. I might be 30 but I’m still a single, fat nerd who lives alone with their cat so take that however you will. LOL.

Hey, I could have just kept sitting on my ass after like 3 hours of video games, but I felt it prudent to at least get off my ass and go for a walk to the library. Nevermind that the library is a pokemon go stop and I literally would never leave my house if it weren’t for the pokemon go app, but that’s another tale for another time, I guess.

 

Whatever.

This whole day has been kind of strange. It technically started about 3am when I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and hard boiled some eggs (for potato salad, I don’t just randomly wake up at 3am with the urge to boil eggs, lol), and played video games for like an hour, then went back to bed. Then I boiled potatoes, then while they were cooking/cooling, I threw in a load of laundry, did dishes, took out the trash, hung up the laundry to dry, and I made potato salad; all that was before 10:30 in the morning, and is pretty much the last productive thing I’ve done all day. It was such a nice day even a fat antisocial nerd couldn’t stay indoors, so I walked to the library. I had emailed myself like, 5 online apps I was going to do tomorrow after my therapy appointment, but I figured wtf and applied to like 3 of them today.

I found out my status for the dollar type store job I interviewed for a couple weeks ago is “no longer being considered”.

Great. Another interview I thought went well only for it to go completely and totally nowhere. At this point, I don’t even know why I bother applying or interviewing at all. It’s like I’m broken. I didn’t get the Casey’s job, I didn’t get this job, I probably didn’t get that seasonal art gallery clerk job I applied for last month and have thusly heard nothing back about yet. It’s still early in the season, but I’m not exactly holding my breath.

So then I’m desperate, and I end up applying for jobs I know I can’t handle, and then I can’t even relax because I know I’m making an effort, then I get ahead of myself and start imagining all the difficult situations I’d be in once I got hired, which I believe is a textbook case of counting one’s chickens before they hatch. As seen on tumblr, “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it”. LOL. No really.

And back to this swirling nightmare of “no matter how much I do in a single day, it’s never enough and doesn’t matter anyway since I can’t get a job and constantly feel guilty for existing or taking up any space at all”. Not even the 3 grocery bags of garbage I picked up around town on earth day are a drop of piss in the toilet our world is in. I keep asking myself when I’m not going to constantly lowkey feel like I’m a failure and a waste of space on our earth, and I feel like my therapy sessions have just farted down to “no matter how much or what I do it’ll never be enough since I can’t get a fucking job” over and over, every session.

I don’t know, I’m just bored with it all but without any real desire to jump off a bridge or whatever it is that destitute, depressed people normally do in that kind of situation. At the same time I’m bored with life, I’m also scared shitless of death, so figure that one out. And now we’re going to move on because I am so not having a “fuck someday I’ll be dead” panic attack in public, fuck u very much brain.

Eh, whatever, I’m already talking in circles so whatever

Waiting to hear about a job.

Still waiting to hear back about the convenience store job. I also have an interview at a dollar discount type store on Monday. I was actually supposed to have that interview on Tuesday, but my car battery was dead (for the second time in a week, no less) so I had to call them and reschedule. Dad drove here to mess with it for me. It’s working fine now, knock on wood. I was told as far as the convenience store job that I should hear back yesterday or today, as he had other interviews earlier this week. I was hopeful at first, but it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and I haven’t heard back. The dude who interviewed me said he was going to Florida on Sunday. I guess it’s still feasible that he might get back to me tomorrow, but that’s going to be a huge pain in the ass because in addition to spending all today so far antagonizing over it, then it’ll fuck up my Friday too. The only thing I can think of is that they interviewed someone else who has worked at a gas station before. I seem to recall him asking me to confirm a couple times that I’d never worked at a gas station before.

I hate interviews, because I think they all go well, yet I never hear anything back, or I’ll get a rejection email a few weeks after the fact. Most of them don’t even do that anymore. And that honestly would be nice, if there were some system they could use to inform applicants that someone else was chosen for the position. But I guess, to their credit, it would be hard to do, because they’d either have to put all the applicants’ emails into some sort of temporary database, or punch all that shit in by hand, and they’ve got better things to do than worry about all the poor sods that didn’t get hired.

I called my grandma today because her birthday was yesterday, and I guess during that HOUR AND A HALF long phone call (she’s great, but my grandma will talk literally forever if you let her) I missed a call from my old boss at the nursing home where I washed dishes for like a month.

She did this to me once before. Did y’all forget you fired me? First off, if you’d wanted me to stay on only as a fill in if all the other kitchen help can’t show up, you could have just said that, but no, they made it pretty damn clear I was fired that last day I was there. Secondly, I get housing assistance, they currently take care of 100 percent of my rent while I’m unemployed and have zero income. I’m not having some disorganized shit weasels fuck it up by suddenly wanting me to come in. And honestly, I was pretty destroyed when I got fired, but also, part of me wasn’t that upset because they were always disorganized as shit and neither of the cooks would even say two words to me, even when I was trying to be conversational and polite. I also had unparalleled anxiety attacks the first several weeks of working there, complete with openly sobbing in front of other workers in the kitchen. I’m just glad I missed the call, because the other time when I actually answered it was weird.

In fact I was so taken aback I didn’t think to say this, but after I hung up, I was like…. uh, did y’all forget you fired me? I’m wishing I had, I’d have loved to hear her reaction.

But still, it’s like I said, I’m either fired and completely off the books, or you could have told me straight up that you’re not going to schedule me regular hours, but you wanted me to stay on as a fill in.

That almost would have been worse, because then I’d be constantly worried they would call me in, as if I would be in trouble if I missed the call and didn’t come in.

It’s honestly that places’ fault though, they were terrible about scheduling shit like that.

I’m honestly just irritated as fuck about the stupid convenience store thing, either send me the rejection email or call me and tell me when you want me in for orientation.

Ever ahead of me, my anxiety is already like “BUT THEN YOU’D HAVE TO STRESS OVER HAVING TO GO TO ORIENTATION, DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND SOCIAL SECURITY CARD OR DID YOU GIVE THAT BACK TO YOUR FOLKS TO PUT IN THE LOCKBOX” and so on and so forth. I actually had a bit of a panic attack earlier for no reason. I was anxious to get off the phone (my grandma is great, honestly, but I was antsy because I’m kind of expecting a phone call).

My only real break from that shit is going to be, if I haven’t heard from them and it’s like, past 7pm, I know they’re not going to conduct that sort of business that late.

What I am anxious about is that, the dude mentioned that one of the shifts I’d likely be on is 2-10, and if that’s what he’s working today, then it’s possible he will call me after 2.

I could go on and on but I think I can just leave it at “FOR FUCKS SAKE GET BACK TO ME OR SEND THE REJECTION EMAIL I HATE NOT KNOWING”.

And it’s true, one of the ways my anxiety often manifests itself is “YOU CAN’T RELAX, YOU DON’T KNOW EVERY POSSIBLE LITTLE THING ABOUT A GIVEN SITUATION, WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT A VARIABLE REGARDING TO THE THING HAPPENING AND THEN THAT THING HAPPENS”. So I guess maybe it’s more accurate to call it paranoia. I don’t know, honestly.

I honestly just need to end this entry here, because the rest of it is just going to be rewording shit I’ve already said.