Tense af

So yesterday I got a call from a hotel I applied online at, for a night auditor position, and I have an interview on Tuesday at like 1:30, and only because I said I wouldn’t be available until early next week. My van has very little gas in it, likely barely enough to get me back home to my parents’ house this weekend (they’re like a 40 minute drive away, not terrible), so I’ll have to ask them for gas money, because the hotel is a 15 minute drive away from where I live, and I likely wouldn’t have enough gas to get to the interview and back, and then back to my parents’ house.

The reason I didn’t ask them for money weekend before last, when I was last there, was because mom made some passing comment about it would be a tremendous weight lifted (or whatever wording she used, I can’t recall) if they didn’t have to pay for some of my stuff. She didn’t even say it in an accusatory way or anything, but seeing as dad had just paid a 300+ dollar energy bill for me, I didn’t have the balls to ask for extra money.

I have two checks worth about 60 bucks that I’m sitting on because I have no open bank account, and my old bank won’t cash checks they didn’t issue if you don’t have an active account, and the places in the area require a current driver’s license/ID to get checks cashed. And my ID has been expired since November, so I’m lowkey mentally preparing a script for in case I get pulled over every single time I take my van somewhere. It costs 32 freaking dollars to get my current ID, which is stupid. How does it cost them 32 dollars to print my photo and a few tidbits of info on a stupid plastic rectangle? Whatever.

My cat’s out of dry food, and so far she’s been getting spoiled with canned chicken because my ebt card can buy cans of chicken, and even with scrounging for change in my entire house, and my van, I will probably barely have enough to buy a 1 dollar bag of food for my cat, and that won’t even last a week. So once again, I’ll be asking my parents to loan me gas money, and I’ll spend part of it on some fuckin cat food.

Back to the job thing for a minute, I literally didn’t even get to have a rush of “FUCK YES I HAVE AN INTERVIEW”, it literally went straight to “oh fuck, a night auditor? I don’t want to work at night, I can barely function during the day, and my sleeping patterns are already fucked up beyond all recognition”, never mind the fact that back in community college, I took the 2nd to lowest level math class they offered, and I still only passed with a D. I can’t do more than simple addition in my head, I can barely read face clocks, I’m literally terrible with numbers. This is the problem with putting in as many apps as I can, even to the places that ‘won’t call for an interview’ or positions that wouldn’t be a good fit. The problem is that I’m already coming up with all these reasons why it won’t work, so when I inevitably (in my mind) don’t get the job, I’ll actually be lowkey relieved. Being bad with numbers is a legitimate reason, everything else has been thoroughly shat out by my negative automatic filters. So in addition to the fuckload of guilt I schlep around literally every single minute of my waking life, I’m berating myself for not being able to think myself out of this.

It’s been my thinking that, if I’m aware of something, I should be able to fix it automatically/with little effort, or I’M A FAILURE. I think stating any legitimate obstacles or difficulties is just me being a lazy ass and trying to justify being a lazy ass because I ‘just don’t want to do it’. Because admittedly, in the past, I have done those sorts of things. Coming up with a list of places I supposedly applied to, just to shut my parents up, because I wasn’t going to get the jobs anyway, why waste the effort? Etc.

No amount of anyone else telling me otherwise, that I’m not a failure because of same, I think they’re just telling me what I want to hear, just saying it because they don’t want to deal with the huge episode I’ll have. So, every reason why something can’t happen/why it is difficult, legitimate or not, is an “excuse” in my mind, and with this kind of thinking I’m literally going to feel this shitty forever, and I’ll never get on top of anything.

In the past, when I was far shittier than I am now, my parents would ask if I “can’t” work at a place or “won’t.” Some of them were, won’t, to my parents’ credit, but many of the reasons I had were legitimate (or I was being genuine about thinking they were legitimate). So somewhere along the line, my thinking got distorted into “All the reasons you have for doing/not doing things? Excuses, really you SHOULD whatever”.

I’m reading a book by Brene Brown, and it’s kind of eye opening. I had heard my mother (who’s a librarian and very avid reader) mention that name, but to be honest, I didn’t really think much of it until one of my favorite voice actors name dropped Brene in a poem in his poetry book that was just somewhat recently released, and that my sister ordered for me as a surprise. And I even feel bad about that, because my mom has complained before that she can tell dad he should do something for years and he doesn’t take any stock in the advice until it comes from doctor, even if the doctor says the same damn thing that she’s been saying.

If you made a huge flow chart (think really huge, stretching into space tbh) of all the problems I have, all the mental health bullshit, almost all of it boils down to one derivative: guilt/shame. I have a unique ability to feel guilty about almost everything, even to the point where, I’ll feel guilty just if someone thinks I did something, even if I didn’t do the thing. It’s fuckin wild, I feel guilty about shit I couldn’t have even possibly had an effect on, and as I said before, being aware of something and being able to change it POOF LIKE THAT seem to be one in the same in my weird ass distorted brain. Recently my mom has had to put her dad in a nursing home (currently temporary but it’s likely he won’t be able to go back home) , and I once rapidfire texted my sister back and forth that if I hadn’t been such a fuckup and cost my parents so much wasted money over the years, they wouldn’t be worrying so much about being able to afford putting grandpa in the nursing home. Even typing that sentence just now almost made me watery eyed. It comes up in therapy constantly about how I wasted so much of my parents’ money over the years, and right now I rely on them to pay my bills, and that isn’t fair, I should be far past the point where I can support myself, and I get stuck in this terrible revolving door of Guilt for my Past Mistakes and then the Guilt is so overpowering it literally hinders any Progress I Should Be making. My anxiety always adversely affected me in some ways, but it’s now gotten to the point where it actively interferes with and impedes my ability to live my fucking life, and I can even feel guilt about THAT.

It also comes up in therapy constantly that so many others have so much more to deal with than I do, and they’re getting through okay. I hear my mother’s voice, or my friends’ voices that damn they wish they had that little to worry about or they wish they had so many hours of sleep as I get, or they wish they had as much free time as I do. Meanwhile I’m here with all the sleep, all the free time, and I’m still barely able to function? It makes me feel like a spoiled little shit who’s been given everything in life and is still failing, and then I get sucked into the “what’s the point, why are you even here, if you weren’t such a fucking wuss you would just go play in traffic on the interstate and get it over with” whirlpool, which often takes an hour of crying uncontrollably and a 2 hour anxiety/stress nap to emerge from.

Anyway, speaking of mental health, I have therapy in like half an hour.

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Still the same.

Not the song by Bob Seger  (tho I do love that song). Not much has changed, honestly. I did finally submit my application for disability fully, which is a pain in the ass, with multiple mailings, answering a ton of questions on the phone,  etc. And I still can’t bring myself to be hopeful about it. What’s probably going to happen is in 2-3 monthsn however long that shit takes, I’ll get a polite rejection letter and be back at square one, only with no job because I once again haven’t been as steady and vigorous at the job searching as I should be. I keep looking but there aren’t shit for jobs, and half the listings that are there are out of the question either for physical reasons or anxiety.

My driver’s license expired in November and I still haven’t been able to get it updated bc it costs 32 fucking dollars. If I have to have it by law (to drive, and for identification) it should fucking be free.

My dad paid my last two electric bills, which with late charges were each little over 300 dollars. I’m sitting on almost 60 bucks in checks that I can’t cash bc I don’t have a bank account and any stores that cash checks require a current ID.

Last time I was at my parents house I was going to ask to borrow the 32 dollars for my license but after my mom made a comment like ‘if we didn’t have to pay for some of your stuff it would help us tremendously’ or whatever wording she used, and then I didn’t have the balls to ask. I’ve also been without wifi for like, 2 months? Ish? And that sounds very 1st world of me but I depend on the internet as basically my only source of socialization with others, and I’ve felt pretty isolated essentially without it. I’m on my parents data currently, and even tho I severely limit my use of it I still manage to use more data than my parents plan covers, so I’m likely costing them a fortune in data. One of my main escapes other than video games was stand up comedy, but I can hardly watch any online without using an astronomical amount of data.

One good thing is, I got approved for food stamps through August, so pretty much the only thing I can afford is food.  I will never not appreciate having real food again. I was down to eating oatmeal basically every meal and almost about to bust into the almost expired cans of green beans I keep at the back of the pantry specifically for situations like that.

I’m trying, I really am, but it’s not good enough because there aren’t any results. I just wonder how much more of this I can handle before I literally lose my shit. It’s like I told my therapist; I have no plans to throw myself into traffic, but I also don’t see a point to life either.

Ugh.

I’d like to say that things have changed since I last updated this blog in what, November? But same shit different day, honestly.

I haven’t been scheduled at “work” for over 2 months now (I quit counting weeks after 2 months, honestly) and I haven’t been fired or anything that I know of, and I’m pretty sure that’s the sort of thing they tend to make pretty final. I still don’t have the balls to go in and turn in my hat and apron and bitch the manager out for never scheduling me. Is this payback for me saying I didn’t want to be the shift manager, way back when I first started? I don’t know, but it’s like, with job after job after job not working out, and with a plethora of rejection emails after interviews (or even without them, as I just got this morning from one of them), there has to be something wrong with me.

I just don’t see any other explanation for this. I mean, look at my past several jobs. Had to quit the call center in mid 2016 because I was literally having the worst anxiety I’d ever had in my entire life (crying before work, crying throughout the day at work, crying when I got home because I was already worrying about the next day at work), not to mention my stats being horrible due to said anxiety. Then the dishwashing at the nursing home didn’t work out. I missed a few days because I got sick, and they fired me because it was within my first 90 days. Like I fucking planned to get sick and need bloodwork and an ultrasound on my goddamn liver and gallbladder. They turned out to be small gallstones, by the way, but they’re not causing problems and aren’t blocking anything.

Then I literally went until, what, May of 2017 before I got the stupid pizza place job (think the place with the red roof with the cheese in the bread part of the pizza tbh), and at first, I was getting decent hours, but that was only because one of their cooks was on vacation. It was so important to me to do well at that job. I constantly asked if I was doing everything all right, if there was anything I could do differently or improve on. For a while, every shift I was even bringing home baked treats to work because 1, I like being nice, and 2, I lowkey thought people would like me if they grew to associate me with brownies or whatever. And apparently that didn’t make a difference. I slowly got scheduled less and less, and it wasn’t for the position I was originally hired for (cook). They would schedule me to come in, wash dishes for 2-3 hours, and then I’d go home, and that’d be all I’d get for two fucking weeks. At this point, I don’t remember specifics about how to make any of the goddamn pizzas, how much sauce or cheese each size gets, toppings, etc, so at this point she couldn’t even schedule me to be the only cook. I can probably count on one hand how many pizzas I’ve actually made totally myself (sauce, cheese, and toppings), and I’ve worked there since fucking May. Last year, I barely made 300 dollars there. I’m only going to bother filing taxes at all so I can maybe get 20 bucks back. The last two years, my tax return was 1000 or more, from the call center.

I’m going to be applying for disability, even though quite frankly I don’t think I’ll get it. My anxiety and depression have obviously gotten so bad that a normal job just isn’t possible anymore, especially when you look at the impact they’ve had on my last several jobs (I remember at the nursing home, I’d literally be crying openly, repeating “They’re gonna fire me they’re gonna fire me” over and over like a literal crazy person. The reason I didn’t get a job at this industrial laundry place is… kind of a long story.

First, I got there and I didn’t know where my birth certificate was, and they said if it was three days from then and I still didn’t have it, they’d have to terminate my job. The lady printed off some info for me and told me it was like 20 bucks to get an official copy of my birth certificate. Then we continued with orientation, or we were going to. I was getting a tour of the floor when I had literally the worst panic attack I can remember, I was pretty much openly sobbing. When they gave me a work shirt and pants to put on, I got in the one stall bathroom, locked the door, and sat on the floor crying for what felt like half an hour but might have been less, I don’t know. I was still weeping when I got out, and I said I’d really like to stay for orientation but at that point I was too upset. They sent me home but I do recall being told “we expect people to be able to work their full shift”, or whatever, I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it.

So back to the birth certificate issue. I got a 25 dollar prepaid card to try to buy it online, and then I find out it’s not 20 dollars over the phone, it’s 30, and I would need to send them in the actual, snail mail, a photocopy of my driver’s license. So I then bought a what, 35 dollar prepaid card, and tried literally six times in a row to buy the damn thing online, and it would not take my prepaid card. So then I decide to just suck it up and drive the almost 2 hours to the state capitol to get it in person, and the car I was driving fucking died an 1+ into the trip, in the middle of nowhere on the interstate, and I ended up having to call my dad’s aunt (barely older than he is, they’re more like cousins) who lived in the area to come get me. I stayed with her for almost a week, during which I finally did get the coveted copy of my birth certificate. So when I got home, I called up the laundry place and told them that I had gotten my birth certificate, and they told me they gave the position to someone else. And all of that happened because I had a fucking anxiety attack during orientation.

And it’s like, I also had a lot of anxiety when starting the pizza place job. I also warned the boss that yeah, I had anxiety, because I’m like, better to tell her starting out than to not tell her and have some huge panic attack at work, you know. I expressed nervousness at being the only cook when it was really busy but I never said I wouldn’t do it, and like I said earlier, it was very important to me to do well at that job.

It just feels like more and more, it literally doesn’t matter what I do, that everything is going to turn out to be shit anyway, so it’s a piss poor motivator to actually do anything. Which is a super shitty attitude to have.

But it’s like, and the guy who prescribes meds (I like skype with him once every three months, at the mental health place because he lives in like Georgia or some shit) even said, “when you don’t have a job you have anxiety about money and when you have a job you have anxiety about getting fired”. And it’s like, for so long it’s always been like “Well once you get a job you can relax”, and then literally as soon as I hear I’ve been hired, my brain goes straight to “THEY’LL PROBABLY FIRE YOU ONCE THEY FIND OUT HOW BAD A WORKER YOU ARE”, and more and more I’m finding out that I’m literally going to have anxiety no matter what my circumstances are. No job? Stress about money, and the family that have been paying your bills for the last 6+ months. Job? Stress about getting fired and then going back to not having money and costing people money. And it’s so exhausting. And I still kind of blame myself for all this. It comes up constantly in therapy where I’m like “What if I’m secretly faking it, what if it’s really not this bad and I’m lying to everyone and I really don’t deserve all this special bullshit” etc.

I mean, for so long, I’ve blamed everything on myself. And yeah, I’ve done shitty things in the past, not all my failures are out of my control. Some of them are my fault, but every time something doesn’t work out, I immediately blame myself, and I’ve literally been doing this to some degree since childhood. When I’d misbehave and get grounded, I didn’t think on my actions, I just figured I was a bad kid, and I grew to resent my parents. Negative reinforcement didn’t work.

I’m still having trouble getting myself to believe that my anxiety/depression are this severe, but at this point they literally prevent me from living my life. I’ll go days without showering, or leaving the house, the dishes pile up, I’m wearing filthy clothes because I haven’t done the laundry in two weeks, that sort of thing. And at this point, they either prevent outright or make it almost impossible to concentrate on working when I have a job, because I’m so busy thinking about how I’m not doing well enough quick enough and that they’re going to fire me. And that’s why it’s like, at the same time that I don’t feel like I’m crazy enough to get disability, more and more I’m finding out that I just cannot function normally, in normal society.

But it doesn’t feel fair, there are so many other people that are doing okay, and they’ve had to wade through way more bullshit than I have, but at this point, I feel like I’m hurting the economy more by not having income than I would be if I received a disability payment each month. I have to assume that I wouldn’t get section 8 anymore, or I’d owe a larger portion of my apartment’s rent. I likely wouldn’t need food stamps anymore because the disability would cover my food costs. I’d also likely be able to use it to cover my own bills, and to start paying back my parents for the assload of money I owe them, as well as building up a savings account again.

But it’s like… I’ve always been taught that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. So I just don’t see how disability is anything but wishful thinking. I feel as if I’ll be in these circumstances forever, and it’s honestly only because I’m so afraid of everything (including pain, and consequences) that I haven’t thought of killing myself, but that’s really not something you can discuss with people without scaring the shit out of them.

All of this, and then you add what’s been happening in the news, and politics, and my anxiety is literally the highest it’s ever been, and I really can’t live my life like this.

 

Ngl, faith in the world pretty non existent…

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had a pretty shitty couple weeks. For one, my work at the pizza place is still only giving me shit for hours. Barely a 3 hour shift a week, and I just haven’t had the fucking energy to do anything about it. I’ve tried talking to the boss briefly but that did fuckall.

I’ve thought of sending an email to corporate, but I haven’t had the energy/spoons for that either. Besides, I’m not even sure what I would even say. “Hey I got hired as part time but I’m not even working 10 hours a MONTH, let alone a week”? What would they even do? Probably fuckall. I’ll still probably send them an email but I don’t expect anything to be done about it. I haven’t heard back about either of the interviews I’ve had in the past two weeks, and once place that failed to call me back about scheduling an interview about a month ago has a listing for I’m pretty sure the exact job I applied for. My application should still be on file.

I couldn’t afford to get my parents an anniversary present, I couldn’t afford to get dad a birthday present… In fact the money he told me to keep for gas, I literally didn’t spend any of it on gas because I needed toiletries, cat litter, cat food, etc. I have a few more days before my ebt card reloads and I’m down to one box of mac and cheese, one ramen package, a package of pasta, one can of pasta sauce, oatmeal, and hot cereal. I technically have a partial bag of frozen veg in the freezer, too. So it’s not as if I have no food in the house, but I’ll be fucked if I have even have the energy to stand in the kitchen for ten minutes to cook anything.

Case in point. All I ate yesterday was some chocolate cake I made (I had to use watered down coffee creamer because I’m fuckin out of milk) and a ramen packet with one egg in it (the last one, so now I’m out of those too) and coffee. Which probably has something to do with the no energy thing, but even if I had energy, fuckall if I have any motivation.

Also, my back has hurt like a bitch for going on a couple days now. Way back in 2007 I had back strain in regards to my lower back, and while it usually doesn’t bother me much, for the past couple days it’s hurt so bad I had to lean on the counter to do dishes yesterday. I managed to walk a couple blocks to the library, where I’m at right now, but it sure makes getting shit done impossible.

I can’t go into detail about the recent events in the news because I don’t really keep up on it, but what is with all the fucking shootings? The Las Vegas bullshit, the New York dude-blew-up-a-rental-truck shit, and I guess there was a church shooting in Texas or something? Plus president shit for brains either says something stupid or rolls out plans for some new policy designed to fuck over women, people of color, or poor people. Which is why I pretty much isolate myself from the news. If it wasn’t obvious, I’m really not in a good mental place right now and the last fucking thing I need is to hear some heartbreaking news story and feel bad because honestly, I fall more towards the poor end of the “being rich enough to donate/being poor enough to need donations” scale.

My escape has been video games, reading fanfic, or more sporadically, drawing, but it’s hard as fuck to try to improve at drawing faces when you can barely find the motivation to bathe (on that note, dry shampoo was the best like several bucks I ever spent, back when I could actually afford that shit).

Idk. I don’t want to drone on and on about this shit because I’d like to at least enjoy part of the rest of my day, but I also know it’s been a million years since I wrote anything here, and I honestly couldn’t think of another reason to come to the library, so here we are.

I managed to find like, what, a buck and a quarter, so I’m going to foolishly spend it on some fucking soda because it’s not like I can afford actual food with that

Whatever.

Not gonna lie, I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of weeks.

Let’s see. Starting the week before last.
First, I have a huge anxiety attack on what is supposed to be my first day at a new job and they send me home after only an hr and a half. Told me that I absolutely needed my birth certificate b4 I started rly bc if I’d worked there 3 days and still didn’t have it they’d have had to fire me.

So then I buy 2 different prepaid credit cards to try to buy it over the phone or online and one is four bucks short of having the right amount (bc as it turns out the lady at supposed new job told me wrong price) and the other gets declined 5x despite having enough money on it.

So then I decide to make a 2 and a 1/2 hour drive 1way to just order/pick it up in person, and 1 & a half hrs into the drive the car stalls and will not start again, complete with smoke or steam pouring out from under the hood.

So I have to make phone calls about it and end up having my dad’s aunt have to drive to the middle of the country looking for me on the interstate.

So, with some more phone calls and shit the plan is for me to stay at dad’s aunts house (shes cool but I already felt bad about the car and shit). So I end up only having like 3 shirts with me and no extra undies or pants,  and I end up without my meds.

The one med I had already been without for a day bc I forgot to pick up my refill so on Sunday of  hell week, I’ve been without my one med for 5 days, and I’ve been without my other med for 4 days, and I could definitely feel it with all the subtlety of being hit by a freight train.
Then, 2 days into unplanned stay at dads aunts, I get my fuckin period.

So that’s just the week before last. Last week on Monday I called the place to let them know I had my birth certificate and they told me they already filled the position.

Now? I have a 90 dollar electric bill coming due soon because I didn’t pay it last month, and I have an internet bill due, and I’ve only paid half of my portion of the rent this month (section 8 pays most) and my current job didn’t schedule me at all this week,  but I see several positions at the restaurant  (including the job I was hired as) on the job search website I use.

Nevermind current events. A hurricane, another hurricane, the western US is on fire, preisdent shit for brains and the program for Dreamers, an earthquake in Mexico….fuck’s sake, I’m honestly losing my will to live,  here. What’s the fucking point? I thought I was a good person but shit keeps happening and I just don’t see the point if it’s all gonna be shit. I’m always gonna be poor and struggling, working shit jobs, self isolating because I feel disgusting and too weird to be with anyone, like it wouldn’t be fair to expect someone else to deal with my insane bullshit, dating or otherwise. I’ll probably never date anyone else my entire life like the disgusting piece of boring shit I am. Why doesn’t anything ever get better?

 

 

 

 

Whatever.

I never have good titles for these anymore.

So, the job is going okay. I don’t work very much, and honestly for a little while I’m okay with that so I can get used to working again. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my parents bitch that I need more hours or need another job, but right now I honestly need to acclimate to this one before I can consider that. I know it probably sounds like I’m just looking for an excuse to be lazy, but my life has been really trying for me lately.

So, I called a dentist today for the first time in literally years. I’ve neglected my dental health something terrible. It’s literally been a minimum of 5 years since I’ve been to a dentist. I have several teeth that have parts of them cracked or broken off (I can count 5 off the top of my head). I constantly have little tiny cuts on my tongue from the sharp edges of these few broken teeth. I’m sure I either have gum disease or the last stage of whatever it’s called before it’s called gum disease. I’ve known this for a while. And it doesn’t help that when anxiety is particularly bad (as it has been for me) one tends to ignore these things, failing to notice them entirely.

I mean, I know this dentist will have seen way worse teeth than mine, but I’m extremely nervous about this. I’m scared they’ll judge me as some filthy hobo who can’t keep up basic hygiene habits. But that’s something anxiety makes harder. I was already lazy before, but when anxiety is bad I can be so busy trying not to constantly panic that little things go by the wayside. For like a week or more, I was pretty much only eating once a day, and that was only because I’m not supposed to take my morning meds on an empty stomach. And that would be it, all day, because I wouldn’t even have the simple motivation to boil water for a packet of ramen. When my anxiety gets bad, I’m lucky if I take a shower twice a week. Which is disgusting. But when my anxiety gets bad, I can only seem to shower if I’m going to leave the house, or if it’s a bazillion degrees outside.

I do know that I feel much better once I actually have showered, but when it takes a shit ton of effort just to get out of bed and make coffee, showering isn’t first on my to do list.

Plus right now, I have my period, which usually makes my negative moods/behaviors even worse. I mean, I can go from laughing at some ridiculous Star Trek episode (So you’re telling me Spock went nuts because he needed to get laid? Seriously? And why during this battle does Kirk’s shirt get ripped ONCE, RIGHT where his titties are? Really guys?) to crying about making a phone call.

Honestly the last straw with this dentist business was me laying down trying to do a guided meditation, and my toothache was just getting more and more distracting until I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. And that’s part of why it’s been so long since I’ve been to a dentist. If I was having a toothache, I would take ibuprofen and forget about it, or it’d put some orajel on it and the pain wouldn’t come back and I’d forget about it.

I know it’s probably stereotypical to hit age 30 and all of a sudden OH SHIT MY HEALTH IS A THING. It just feels silly, because as people my age are literally graduating college with their masters degrees, having children, getting married, here’s me, YELLING about STAR TREK, and getting SCARED OF MAKING A PHONE CALL, anxiety-ing myself to death about working at a damn pizza joint.

Part of it is I’m really okay with being by myself (well I have a cat, but whatever), but part of it is, I really wouldn’t want to subject another human to my batshit insane behavior. Right now I’m okay with reading smutty fanfiction and watching shitty movies/tv on netflix, I guess.

Ugh.

I’m in the second week of a new job,  and today is only my 3rd real shift. A pizza place on a Friday night,  5-10pm. I won’t be alone, and it’s a fairly small place that only does dine in and carry out, no delivery, but I’m still pretty much shitting my pants right now.  The biggest way ny anxiety manifests itself is I’m pretty much always on high alert for something to go wrong. I’m terrified at the prospect of being overwhelmed and having customers mad at the company knowing it’s my fault.

And I hate this shit where I don’t work until the evening because I don’t have the energy or drive to do anything all day bc I have to save up my energy for work.  Or I’ll be in an okay mood all day but then about an hour before I have to work I get really upset and stressed out like I am now.

I never used to be this bad. Granted I didn’t like being a cashier but my first cashier job that I was at almost 3 years, I never sat and cried for hours bc I didn’t want to work.

I saw my therapist a couple days ago and talked about how a lot of stuff that’s happened in my life,  I absorbed the guilt for (I think her words were it stuck to me). Like, I absolutely have done stupid shit in my life that was my fault, but I guess that I always assume that everything is my fault. And I am so used to fucking up or not being good enough  that I just assume off the bat that that is what’s going to happen. Because it’s easier than thinking otherwise. Because if I assume the worst right off the bat, I might be surprised, but if I hope for something better, it’ll be that much more disappointing when it doesn’t happen. I hate it and I can’t stop.

This is a big reason I isolate myself.  I hate how automatically negative I am and how it affects the way other people view me. Nobody likes a constantly negative downer who shits on everyone’s happiness.

I’m constantly afraid I’m going to let people down. Summarize my life so far, and aside from meeting most of Oingo Boingo  (sans Danny), meeting Howard Jones, and meeting Thomas Dolby, I’m pretty much a failure.

I’ve had lowkey suicidal ideology forever. It’s like I’ve honestly lost the will to really live, but I’m also scared to die and would 100 percent never even attempt to kill myself. So I feel like I’m just constantly wading through neck deep bullshit looking for little distractions. That’s why I play so many video games. Why I end up watching the same 5 or 6 things on netflix because I’m never in the mood for anything.

I have to start getting ready for work, but I may come back afterwards. Idk