Still the same.

Not the song by Bob Seger  (tho I do love that song). Not much has changed, honestly. I did finally submit my application for disability fully, which is a pain in the ass, with multiple mailings, answering a ton of questions on the phone,  etc. And I still can’t bring myself to be hopeful about it. What’s probably going to happen is in 2-3 monthsn however long that shit takes, I’ll get a polite rejection letter and be back at square one, only with no job because I once again haven’t been as steady and vigorous at the job searching as I should be. I keep looking but there aren’t shit for jobs, and half the listings that are there are out of the question either for physical reasons or anxiety.

My driver’s license expired in November and I still haven’t been able to get it updated bc it costs 32 fucking dollars. If I have to have it by law (to drive, and for identification) it should fucking be free.

My dad paid my last two electric bills, which with late charges were each little over 300 dollars. I’m sitting on almost 60 bucks in checks that I can’t cash bc I don’t have a bank account and any stores that cash checks require a current ID.

Last time I was at my parents house I was going to ask to borrow the 32 dollars for my license but after my mom made a comment like ‘if we didn’t have to pay for some of your stuff it would help us tremendously’ or whatever wording she used, and then I didn’t have the balls to ask. I’ve also been without wifi for like, 2 months? Ish? And that sounds very 1st world of me but I depend on the internet as basically my only source of socialization with others, and I’ve felt pretty isolated essentially without it. I’m on my parents data currently, and even tho I severely limit my use of it I still manage to use more data than my parents plan covers, so I’m likely costing them a fortune in data. One of my main escapes other than video games was stand up comedy, but I can hardly watch any online without using an astronomical amount of data.

One good thing is, I got approved for food stamps through August, so pretty much the only thing I can afford is food.  I will never not appreciate having real food again. I was down to eating oatmeal basically every meal and almost about to bust into the almost expired cans of green beans I keep at the back of the pantry specifically for situations like that.

I’m trying, I really am, but it’s not good enough because there aren’t any results. I just wonder how much more of this I can handle before I literally lose my shit. It’s like I told my therapist; I have no plans to throw myself into traffic, but I also don’t see a point to life either.

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