Well it’s 2017…

And cheeto hitler is in office. That’s not exactly what I came here to write about, as I’d be here a pretty long fucking time if it were.

For the past couple weeks I’ve been staying at my parents’ house. Dad had rotator cuff surgery like 3-4 weeks ago so the plan was to stay for a couple days and help him out.  That was a weekend. On that Wednesday I heard my mom slipped on the ice and hurt her wrist, so that Wednesday I came over. I brought my cat so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurrying back to my apartment. On this past Wednesday she was supposed to see a specialist but it snowed and shit that day so the appt was rescheduled for tomorrow.

I really don’t mind at all doing things for my folks especially when they have two good arms between them both, but I’m ready to be back at my place. I’m stressed out about it though. While I’ve been here I’ve done a lot of things for my parents, doing dishes,  cooking meals (not all of them mind u) helping dad put his shoes on, I drove him to a dr appt. I drove mom somewhere, and went along with her as she drove somewhere to see if she could handle driving… all the while basically putting the job search on hold while I’ve been here.

I’m stressed for two reasons. One reason is the job thing

I gave myself a week off from job hunting before this injury business happened, then I’ve been here doing almost no job hunting for two weeks,  and now that it’s nearly a new week I’m way too stressed to even think about it. I had therapy last week and spoke with my therapist about things.  She agreed with me that there really isn’t a whole lot going on job wise right now,  and when I narrow the search results down to exact location, I go from having dozens of result listings, to having like 6 per city. I’ve applied to several different locations of the same dollar type store, nothing.  Applied to several different locations of the same pizza chain restaurant, nothing. Applied for a similar position to my previous job, nothing. I can’t handle fast food due to my anxiety, I have back  problems and can’t lift very much weight so factory work is out. I really can’t be on my feet all day long without getting to sit down at some point. I can’t apply for any jobs that involve driving because I have an OWI from 2009 on my record, and I believe 12 years have to pass before that gets taken off the record.

I still feel bad though.  No matter what I do or how much I do, it never feels like enough in any way.  Unless I’ve spent every waking moment doing hundreds of job apps, I feel that I’m not doing enough. Even when I’m trying it feels like a lie and that I’m just trying to self justify my laziness and inadequacy.

The other reason I’m stressed is bc this time helping my folks seems to be a preview of the future, but to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t handle doing this 24/7. I haven’t even done dishes at my apartment for weeks, yet multiple times a day I’ve basically been doing my parents’ dishes for 2 weeks. I’ve cooked and baked stuff here, but back at home I can’t remember the last time I cooked a real honest to gods meal.

I’m doing the sort of upkeep at my parents’ house that still needs to be done at my apartment, only now I’m exhausted from doing stuff for my folks. I’m glad to actually be useful for once but god damn it’s exhausting. And then I get super stressed about not having energy enough to do things at my place. I have like 300 bucks in the bank so I’m not in immediate danger, but that’s only because my dad covered my almost 300 dollar utility bill bc I hadn’t gotten a utility bill in the mail for a couple months. Even though the company swears they generated a bill for December, and  I was apparently already behind then.

I’m disappointed in myself because I thought at 30 I’d be able to better support myself. There’s no way I could have stayed at my call center job but I’m starting to feel like I should have stayed despite the crippling anxiety that place gave me (I was literally sobbing before work every single morning and at my cubicle throughout the day).

As it stands I may give myself another week off from serious job hunting so I can acclimate back to my normal apartment life.

As I mentioned  (or didn’t,  I have a bad memory), I’ll be going with mom to her appt tomorrow, and depending on how late we get back I may go back to my apartment tomorrow. Even if it’s lateish. As I said,  I’m happy to do these things for my folks but it’s really time for me to be back in my own place.