Day-Quil, Ny-Quil regimen.

In case any of my ‘faithful’ blog readers were wondering, I have come down with a nasty cold that my friends and I like to nickname “The Plauge”. 

First, my next door neighbor (in the dorms) had it. Then, her roomate got it. Then, their neighbor got it. Now I have it.

The fall season is off to a great start.

Sure, it’s not ‘technically’ fall, but I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling it in the air. I’m actually glad, too. I was sooo tired of it being swealtering hot, I was ready for some cooler weather, although I’m sure that when it’s like 10 below zero, and I’m freezing in my big comforter, with a cup of hot cocoa, chattering my teeth, my opinion will probably be different… ^^; But for now, I’m actually enjoying the cooler temperatures… 

Of course, with my cold, it doesn’t feel as bad, seeing as I feel like I have a fever… so I feel a bit warm… XP

Sorry.. this blog really doesn’t have much to offer one in the way of thought processes, but I didn’t feel like a run of the mill MySpace blog entry…

If you haven’t been informed, I now have an albino fish named Thomas. But, he’s in my dorm room… I fed him two pellets before I left on Friday… I want to get back to the dorms Sunday after breakfast, just to make sure I can feed Thomas, so he doesn’t die. That would be rather sad… fish like him are cheap, but I’m starting to get emotionally attached… To a fish… Oh well… even though it sounds a bit silly, that’s the sort of person I am.

Luckily, my cold has some combatants. Day-Quil, and once again, generic Ny-Quil. Hooray. I’ll actually be able to sleep now.

Because jeez, when I took some the other day, I was out like a light for at least 6 hours straight. I don’t even remember waking up to roll over, I slept so well.

Well, I have nothing more to say in this entry, so you are welcome to stay tuned for my next entry. 🙂

Sleepless in Iowa… now starring: a jean jacket, camoflage pants, and Spongebob Squarepants slippers.

Okay…

I would love to know what higher power decided my fate this morning.

I went to bed at a fairly decent hour lastnight, like around 10:30pm. When did I wake?

4:45am.

I was expecting a call from one of my best friends, because when she has to be dropped off at school early, she wastes time in the dorm computer lab until the main campus opens.

And, instead of letting me sleep as much as humanly possible, I roll over, look at the clock, and see that it’s 4:45, and strangely enough, I’m WIDE AWAKE.

Weird.

So, I realized I forgot to bring my laundry in lastnight, so at 5 this morning, I went outside in a tee shirt, camo pants, and no shoes. ^^; So I thought it was pretty damn humorous that I came inside with a jean jacket and Spongebob Squarepants slippers on… ^^;

Much to the dismay of my neighbors (I’m assuming), I half heartedly cleaned my room. I got dressed, and then, when I got the call from my friend, I let her in. So we’re just kinda, sitting here, wasti… err, USING our time on the internet. ^^;

I apologize if you’re used to reading these blogs. This entry is a little, shall we say.. out of the ordinary. I usually feel like sitting down and writing long, at least halfway well written posts when I use this one, but I didn’t really feel like writing in my MySpace blog this morning… So even though the writing is not the best quality, I figured this entry would be quirky enough to hold its own here, so here it is.

Oh wow. I almost forgot. Yesterday, I finally put my highlights in, although I used them in chunks, not just puny little highlights. I had the kit hidden in my room for little over a month, but I didn’t want to use them at home, as I have a history of staining towels, and getting spots on the floor when I use hair dye at home. ^^; Looks pretty cool, although I have really been regretting dyeing my hair black last October. The damn stuff is still in my hair… I figure, it might be ready to dye bright red by next October. Because, if you look at  how much my hair has grown since last October, add the rest of this year, and next year up until October, and enough of the black will have grown out, I’m sure..

What can I say, I’m odd?

But, in my defense, I’m an artist and a musician, they’re allowed to be a little off center. 😉 Same goes for my piercings, although they’re just in my ears at the moment. The average person does not have 7 holes in their ears.

An odd number.

Go figure.

Story of my life.

Luck, The Golden Age of Wireless, and the woes of an Arby’s meat slicer.

I apologize for the length of this blog before you begin reading. 😉 Anyway… 

I title the blog so because, for the first time in nearly three weeks, I had to work. I wasn’t sure why my place of employment decided to cease putting me on the schedule for almost a month. Yesterday I discovered it was because they thought I couldn’t work Friday, Saturday, and Sundays.

I did tell them a long time ago not to schedule me on those days if it could be avoided. I didn’t think they would, instead of scheduling me on days I’d prefer not to work, not schedule me at all. It was just a misunderstanding. Oh well. We’re all human, so things like these happen from time to time.

Now that the manager lady knows what times I am available, I will get more hours. Even with things looking up at my place of employment, I can still safely say that I would prefer not to work in foodservice. I would actually prefer to be in some sort of artistic work study or internship type of thing, but beggars can’t be choosers. In all my summer’s job searching, Arby’s was one of only two places that called me in for an interview. The first call I got would have just been a seasonal job anyway, so after that I would have still needed another job.

So, even though I may not enjoy it, I still have a job, and a fairly secure one at that. It could always be worse. I could have a horrible job, co-workers out to get me, and bitchy supervisors always looking for an excuse to rag on me or get me fired.

In that aspect I’ve had good fortune. In fact, this weekend has already been chock full of it.

Today, I did nothing more than enjoy our high speed DSL internet acess. I began a picture in Paint Shop Pro 8 that I hope will be Mr. Thomas Dolby’s birthday present. In case you are new to my blog, I am on a forum on Mr. Dolby’s official site, and the moderator of that forum is also in charge of the website, and has regular contact with Thomas. So, I am hoping that, through her, my present can be delivered to Mr. Dolby. I want to also write a fairly short fan letter to go with the picture.

Anyway. Before I went to work, I stopped at the second hand store in town to shop around. I found an LP by Stevie Nicks, and the classic U2 album ‘The Joshua Tree’ on LP also. In addition, I got a crapload of retro 80s earrings, a cd by the Escape Club (the group behind the great 80s tune ‘Wild Wild West’), and Debbie Gibson’s album ‘Electric Youth’.

But what really shocked me is when I laid eyes upon a casette of Thomas Dolby’s album ‘The Golden Age of Wireless’. Which was ironic, because before I left, I was having a discussion with a member on the forum on Mr. Dolby’s official site. The discussion: it was hard to find TD stuff in a second hand store, I was a lucky gal for finding his ‘Astronauts and Heretics’ album in one.. Just wait till I tell them I found another gem today.

Also, at Econo foods, I picked up a Beanie Baby bear that had yet to grace my 35+ collection. My other purchase there was a Tab energy soda thing, to keep me going at work.

 Anyway. Work was interesting today. For the first like, 15 minutes (in which we only had like, 2 orders) I fumbled with the sandwiches a bit, seeing as I hadn’t made one for three weeks, but I soon got back to my former speed.

When I had to clean the holding oven (where the unsliced beef is stored), I didn’t drain the bottom enough, so I created a small pool of stagnant water in the middle of my working area, which I had oh so much fun mopping up.

Doing dishes wasn’t particularly interesting, except for the fact that a line to a future song came to me. The last time a possible song line came to me at work, it was, oh snap, whilst doing the dishes. Perhaps it’s because the dishes doesn’t really require a lot of thought to do, so my mind wanders to other places. I had either “Electric Youth” by Debbie Gibson or “Europa and the Pirate Twins”/”Eastern Bloc” by Thomas Dolby stuck in my head the entire three hour shift, which made for quite the odd mood.

But you’ve probably come to expect that from one such as myself by now.

Well, seeing as this blog is plenty long, I shall cut you off for now. 😉

Feeling uneasy-nothing a cup of coffee and a good cd couldn’t fix. I wish.

I’ve got this weird, uneasy feeling, like I know something’s not right, and I have no power to fix it. I feel helpless, like a leaf tossed about by the autumn winds now circulating around the NIACC campus.

To put it frankly, it’s really starting to get on my freaking nerves.

This banter may not make much sense to you, seeing as this is a conflict that I’ve kept mainly to my MySpace blog, but I can’t stop thinking about it. That means that, unfortunately, it will be making a stop here.

I heard that Jacob may be lying to me.

But, I don’t know.

All I have is Jacob’s word, and this other guy’s word, and I’m not sure who to believe.

I want to believe Jacob.

I finally realize I love him, and it’s probably too late.

He might be sleeping with this lady who is trying to get her kids back. Last time I talked to Jacob on the phone, he said she was a friend. For all I know, she may be more than just a friend.

Still, I won’t jump to any conclusions about it yet, because I want to have my facts straight before I go ripping people’s heads off about it.

To put it frankly, I’m angry. Angry, even though I’m not sure I have the right to be. Even if Jacob has been completely truthful to me up until this point, I would still be quite pissed off. That would be largely due to the fact that I haven’t talked to him since one of my friends went AWOL last Saturday. It’s been a week and two days. It seems like an eternity.

At this point, I want some answers. I don’t want to be pushy about it, but even I can only handle so much uncertainty. Sure, I can’t know everything, but I think this, I deserve to know.

And I had such high hopes for Jacob.

I hate sounding so pessimistic, but I knew as soon as I let myself think those kinds of things that something would go wrong. Before, I was so afraid of being wrong, I didn’t want to say anything about what I was thinking for the future, what I liked best in things like places to live and people… So, if Jacob is seeing someone else, I’m thinking they are a little less of a free spirit, with a degree of certainty in their life that I apparently don’t yet posess.

You know, sometimes I hate how uncertain about life I am. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, where I want to live, who I want to be with, and such things, and maybe that bothered him.

Maybe. There’s that damn word again. I grow so tired of saying maybe; I just want to talk to Jacob and know for sure.

If he doesn’t want me, fine. If he’s not sure how to break it off with me, fine. I can understand that. They’re very daunting, these matters of love. I hope he’s not doing this, but it may be that he’s screwed up and is afraid of what I’ll think, so he just does nothing.

I don’t know exactly how I can say this, but despite all these things that may be, there is nothing he can tell me that will make he hate him. Seeing someone else. Lying to me. Sure, I deserve to be told the truth to, but my degree of feeling for him has somehow risen beyond that. Risen to a point that, hey, I want to help him, even if he has wronged me. That doesn’t matter. I want him to be happy.

Maybe that’s what love is about. You go beyond caring for your needs, and want to help someone else fix their problems. This is the point I’m at with Jacob. I just wish he would talk to me about it. I can’t help him out if I don’t know what’s going on, and that’s what I hate most about this whole situation.

Sure, I’d be a bit unhappy if I’d heard for sure that Jacob’s been handfeeding me lies, but I’d feel a bit heartless if I just left his life completely. He may not deserve it, but he’s still got a lot of my concern. Maybe he just doesn’t know. I want to tell him, and I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be able to do that.

You know, in a cosmic sort of way, it’s funny how I can’t figure out what’s going on until it may be too late. I wasn’t sure if I loved him. Wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay with him. I was unsure about a lot of things. Of course,  now that I realize what I want, I can’t inform the one of my revelation.

Someone, somewhere out in the void of space, give me that chance. Just once. I just want to see him one more time. To talk. Even if it means that we won’t see each other again after that.

I just need that one chance.

Where were the Neon Sisters? (long entry)

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I can write this blog entry how I meant my Myspace one to be. It’s at blog.myspace.com/blue_silver, the entry for September 9th.

Anyway.

To put it politely, my weekend has not been going too well.

On Friday, I went home to do some laundry. Halfway through my last load the drier decided it didn’t want to work. You know the ancient drier that’s been in the house longer than we have? Yeah. That very same one.

So, that started the chain of crap I’m currently wrapped in. 

Later, I was on the computer, to give the drier a rest before trying to start it again.

+I suddenly realized I had 15 minutes until the bank closed, and I’d completely forgotten to pick up my check on the way home. So, I grabbed my keys, and ran out the door. I sped all the way to Arby’s. After I’d gotten my check, I was heading to the bank.

I guess I was following a truck really closely, but I was just stepping on the brakes when I saw flashing blue and red lights in my rear view mirror.

I was supposedly ‘tailgaiting’ the truck. I got an 80 dollar fine, but luckily, I didn’t get in trouble for not having registration and proof of insurance on me.  I keep that with me in my billfold, in my purse. Honestly, when I realized how little time I had to get to the bank, it didn’t even occur to me to grab my purse.  

So, I was in a wreck about that. I did get to the bank like right at the time they closed, and got my check cashed.

I decided not to tell my parents, because for once, I wanted to see how I’d deal with it completely on my own, with nobody’s advice but my own.

For God’s sake, I’m almost 20 years old. I have to start doing things for myself, lest I get stuck in a predicament like my best friend Vanessa (she’s turning 22 in December, and her parents still flex their power over her, and she is powerless to stop it). I was nervous about that.

+Then, practically right when dad got home, he hounded me about ‘trying to find a new job, Arby’s didn’t give me nearly enough hours’ and ‘Did I even care about that stuff’, and some other bullshit that my brain thankfully edited out of my memory.

I handled it rather well, I guess. But, whatever.

After I had done all laundry possible, I ate dinner quick and left for the dorms.

I tried calling Jacob a buttload of times, but he didn’t answer (solution later in entry).

I ended up going to bed around 1am, but I still woke up at 6 in the blooming morning. Dammit.

After lunch, some friends and I went to Wal-Mart, Petco,and the mall.

These friends are ones that live on my floor in the NIACC dorms. Two are my next door neighbors in fact.

Whilst sitting on the floor, doing our own thing, Lilly mentioned another friend of ours, Almond. Nobody has heard from Almond since Thursday. The school has tried calling her room, and even her parents (who now live in Indiana), and Almond was never in her room. Her roommate is starting to get concerned. We all are.

Because, you see, Almond has some behavior problems. Before she was in college, Almond tried to kill herself by overdosing on some sort of pill. Some medication she’s taken has made her partially OCD, and last year, she was always talking how about she cut herself, but she did it safely. I think she might also have something in the depression area.

Which is odd, because last time anybody saw her, she seemed to be in a good, peppy sort of mood. Some things this really ignorant Christian boy said kinda pissed her off, but I didn’t think anything of it.

I  hope nothing’s happened to Almond.

But anyway. While still hanging out in my “next door neightbor’s”room, I tried to call Jacob several times. No luck.

Then I remembered he’d called me from a ground line, and I hadn’t recently deleted my recieved calls.

I finally got up enough courage to dial that number, and sure enough, it was Jacob.

He’s in his share of shit.

This woman friend of his is trying to get custody of her kids again. I guess the Department of Human Services is getting on the lady’s case. Plus, Jacob has to run errands for people, and doesn’t even know what he’s fucking doing these next few days. And, just other stuff you really can’t communicate over the phone. I wish I knew how to help him with his chaotic life. I really do. I just… don’t know how. We’re still kind of on the mend as far as our friendship/relationship goes.

It’s just a bunch of things hitting me at once. Makes me wonder how I’ve survived the chess game of life this far.

Still, I must have survived this long for a reason, or else I wouldn’t be here.

Doesn’t keep me from pondering things like that, though. ^^;

For lack of a better word…

SHIT.

Pardon my french, but SHIT.

I’ve already talked about my predicament on my MySpace blog, but I need something to keep my brain occupied, or it will venture into that unpleasant territory it so likes: worst case scenario explanation.

So anyway, if you aren’t familiar with my blog on there, I went home today so I could do some laundry. It was fine until I realized I only had 15 minutes until the bank closed, and I’d forgotten to pick up my paycheck from Arby’s. So, I sped all the way to Arby’s, got there fine. Picked up my check (which was 27 bucks), and I was apparently driving recklessly or some bullshit (pardon my french again), or tailgaiting. I didn’t even know I was doing anything wrong until I saw the flashing blue and red lights in my rear view mirror.

I got an 80 dollar fine for ‘driving recklessly’, but since I explained I kind of rushed out the door, he didn’t give me anything for not having proof of insurance. That’s in my billfold, in my purse, which I left at home. I figured, I’m just running to work to grab my check, and running to the bank to cash it, what do I need my purse for?

So, in that aspect I was lucky. But still. An 80 dollar fine. These traffic people are just effing loving how they make money off of me. Goddammit. He could have just let me off with a warning. I didn’t even know I was doing anything wrong. I wasn’t that close to the truck. I know I have a tendency to follow a bit close, but I thought I was watching it. He was just going slow, and I was in a hurry.

Pardon my french again, but GOD fucking DAMMIT.

I didn’t tell my parents, because today was just.. not a good day to tell them. When dad got home, he hounded me about needing to find another job, because Arby’s didn’t give me enough hours.
Well, no shit sherlock. Tell me something I don’t effing know. And, he ranted about Did I care about it, and something else, but I was too.. overwhelmed to remember what it was. Either that, or I really do have a short term memory problem (I’m starting to think I do, sometimes I forget something that happened 5 minutes or less ago). Anyways.

Mom might have thrown something in, but I don’t remember.

I knew that if I told them, they’d most likely take my car away, force me to stay home on the weekend, and forbid me from possibly making plans with Jacob.

So, I decided to see if I could fix the problem on my own. The ticket doesn’t have to be paid until October 4th (that’s the last day, I believe). So, I’ll get paid on the 23rd of this month (that is, assuming I get any hours).

I’m thinking, I can cash that check, and take whatever extra would be for the ticket out of my savings account, and pay the ticket on my own. Mom and dad will figure out my savings account is short when they get the next bank statement, or something, and they’ll ask about it, and I’ll probably tell them. I will also tell them, I wanted to see if I could handle it myself, and how I ‘didn’t want to worry them’. Who knows. They’ll probably still be angry, but I don’t care. I’m almost 20 goddam years old, I want to start solving problems on my own, without ‘mommy and daddy’ there to help, or force me to do it a certain way.

That is one of my problems. Mom and dad always impose their ways of doing things and figuring things out on me, so I never figure it out myself. Then, they have the balls to ask why I mess up on things. Why? Because I’ve never been given a fucking chance to do it myself! I figured out the college thing. I messed up. But I learned from it.

Okay. So, I’ve called Jacob’s phone a million times in the past few hours, and he hasn’t answered yet. I know, he’s probably got a good reason for not answering, but that doesn’t stop me from being paranoid the same thing that happened last year will happen. I’m still worried he’ll just quit answering his phone< and I’ll be left to brew in my feelings of ignorance, and, of course, my mind will automatically go to the most negative, against me option that my brain can conjure up. And, even if it’s completely rediculous, if I’m left with that in my head too long, even when I figure out what really happened, that doesn’t stop my brain from still kinda being prejudice towards the person.

I don’t want that to happen. I just, really really need to see him right now. That’s probably why I won’t be getting much sleep tonight. Honestly, why can’t he just be by his phone and have it turned ON just one time, so I can catch him and either tell him to get his ass over here, or tell him to give me directions. Or, at the very least, meet him someplace.

When you’re sad, or otherwise not feeling A. OK  you want to just be with that person, so they can just hug you and tell you it’s going to be alright. Dammit, why did I have to like him? Why couldn’t I like someone it was easier to see? And, why did I let myself feel stronger about him this second time around? I could have just said “You lost your chance, fuck off”, and I’d be fine right now.

How very awful of me.

That’s disgusting.

Blaming the fuckup that I am on someone who has enough shit to deal with.

Why am I such an awful person?

Of boredom and college life.

I’m quite bored at this time.

Only like 45 minutes until class starts.

It’s not that long, but it seems like it’s taking forever.

Considering I had my first class at 7:40-9:20, and then I don’t have class again until 1:30.

Today has been alright so far. Not a lot has happened, actually. 2D design was fun this morning. We got a sheet of black and a sheet of white construction paper, and we used scissors and exacto knives to make a picture. I loved mine, when he grades it and hands it back to us, It’s going up in my room.

Anyhoo. Then I went back to the dorms, and used the computer for a little bit. Then, I went to my room to hang out for a while.

Then, I ate lunch, and now, I’m writing this blog.

After I’m done, I’m probably going back to my room to escape the bad, loud rap the losers in the computer lab love to taunt me with.

It’s a marvel to me… again. ^^;

It’s not that I can’t think of a decent title for this entry of my blog, but it fits, and I shall tell you why in a moment.

Got your bean bag chair, bag of popcorn, soda on ice, and cuddle buddy?

 HOKAY. Let’s get started. 😉

So, yesterday was not much to shake a stick at in the way of eventful. Labor Day weekend had ended, and the only pigment in the painting of yesterday was the fact that it was the first day of classes since our mini vacation.

I decided to use up one of my free misses for 2D design class. I can miss one more time and it will not affect my grade. If I had to, I could miss more, and if I had a reason, it wouldn’t hurt my grade.

So, that meant I didn’t have to be at class until 1:30. So, I spent some time on computers, and some in my room. Cleaning. I know, you see these words combined like this so little, but I was cleaning. I have a very tiiiny room, so if I don’t clean it, I literally have no floor space. And I need that to move around, so I’m forced to clean, really. Which, I don’t mind. I discovered that if I clean a little bit every day, the situation never becomes overwhelming.

Anyway.

I went up campus for Comp and Speech a bit early, so I had some wait time, during which my dad called. They had gotten the cell phone bill.
It turns out, we only had a 600 minute a month plan, when we previously had a 900 minute plan, that must have been a special offer for when you first start out.
So, instead of only being over the minutes by 300, we were over by 600, at 1200 minutes. The bill skyrocketed from 50 bucks to little over 200.
In the phone call, dad said I’d owe them some money, but we’d work out a plan for it.
Also, he told me I needed to ask Financial Aid if we needed to get the studeint aid letter before the parents could apply for a Parents Plus loan.

But I was flabbergasted. I knew I’d gone a bit over our minutes, but I had no idea that it had been that long, or else do you think I’d have spent that long on the phone with Jacob? NO. Honestly, without all his calling, I would have barely used any minutes at all.

Because little over a month ago, Jacob contacted me for the first time in over a year. I had not planned on that, therefor, I had not planned on using up so many minutes.

It just kind of… happened.
Besides, there was no other way for me to have contact with him, because at that time he lived 500 miles away.

So anyway. My class.

Comp and Speech class was insanely boring, as usual. Seeing as I’ve heard all his useless banter before, last semester. And I still don’t understand why we need a thesis. If you read the goddam paper,  you’ll figure out what it’s about. You don’t need to tell them outright. Let people figure it out, not all of them are stupid. At least I hope not. ^^;

So anyway. After class, I went back to the dorms and chilled in my room for a while. Whoop de doo, I ate dinner. Went back to my room.

Since Jacob said the day before that he’d stop by and visit me, I was foolishly expecting him to call me right when class was over.

All that time gave my brain time to mull over the worst case scenario. ‘He said he’d come over, and he’s not going to.’ was what my brain kept repeating, so I was really depressed there for a while. Around 9:40pm, he called me and told me to go outside.

So hooray.

This time, we went for a walk up campus. Interestingly enough, that walk can tire me a bit during the day, but I didn’t even get one bit tired that time.

We just kinda sat up campus and talked. Discussing many things. Like being ticklish (or lack thereof. Damn. lol), and nighttime, living in a city.. and such.

I think I spent about an hour with him, maybe. Which was nice. Said he won’t be able to see me today, but might tomorrow (But, I might get my car back today, so I might call him and ask for directions to Manly. ^^;). But, I was happy I got to see him lastnight. Hooray. Wasn’t my first kiss, but my first with him. 🙂

So, I should probably get to my favorite class of all time (choir).

Change hits so hard, and the world turns so slow.

Wow. As I stare at the blank word box of my blog, words escape me.

There is a reason for that, though. One that I am all too happy to say is the reason for my speechlessness.

Even though it was for barely 10-15 minutes, I saw Jacob lastnight for the first time in 417 days.

That a year and 53 days that I went without seeing him. So it was a bit disheartening to know he couldn’t stay long, but the fact that he showed up gained him back a little bit of trust. I mean, I don’t distrust  him on purpose, but he kind of gave me a reason to not exactly trust him, in the year that he didn’t contact me, and such. That trust is something he’s going to have to earn back. Honestly, I am a trusting person, but to quote Thomas Dolby, ‘these things take time, to reach ground zero’.

Because they do. It will take a while before we get back to a place reminicsent of where we were over a year ago, if we ever get back there.

I’m still not entirely certain about all that, but then again, what fun would life be if we were certain about everything?

Of eating popcorn and listening to Howard Jones at 1:12 in the am.

That pretty much says it right there.

(Warning: This entry is really uber long).

Here I am, at 1:12 in the morning, listening to Howard Jones on YouTube.com.

And, I’m on the internet, no less.

Life is good, but odd, no?

But then again, if you knew me at all, you’d know you can never expect me to act or say anything even remotely normal.

So, today was weird. That’s the only word for it I can think of.

I woke up at like, 7:45am, even though I didn’t even go to bed until after 3am. But, whatever. My day was pretty much sporadic stretches of time on the computer and in my room.

I called Jacob at like 3pm, while I was cleaning my room.

Great fun I tell you.

He told me he was in Clear Lake for something.

He asked if he could call from a ground line later. I gave him the go ahead.

Talked about him possibly coming to visit me. He said he’d give me a status report when he got home (to Manly).

I CAN’T GO FOR THAT, NOOO, NO CAN DO.

Some dumb fuck he’s friends with didn’t give him gas money. He’d probably have enough get up here, but I don’t know if he’d have enough to get back home. Which sucks royally.

I was sorta sad. I stayed up till midnight watching odd shit on Adult Swim (Cartoon Network) waiting for him to call, too excited to sleep. So I was a bit dissapointed.

But, he said he’d try and make it here tomorrow. I asked a friend if we could journey to an ATM tomorrow, and she’d give me like, maybe 10 bucks for gas, so I could give that to Jacob so he could actually afford to see me.

It’s insane. I’ve been ‘dating’ this guy for little over a month, and I haven’t seen him since July 14th, 2005.

I will tell you this story so it all makes sense. 

Okay. Got your popcorn, soda, a comfy chair, and someone to cuddle with?

Okay then, I’ll start the story.

It begins way back when I was in High School. I was hanging out with one of my best friends ever, Darcy. We had just gone to visit the new Best Buy in the city like 15 minutes away from us. We were driving back home, and she was talking about this guy she knew. He was younger than us (I think we were 17-18), and he was looking for a lasting relationship. I didn’t know Jacob at this point, but I thought he was odd, because how many guys do you know who are, at 16 years old, ready to be in a lasting relationship?

So, I thought he was insane, and I laughed at the thought of meeting him (as who would be interested in me, once they met me).

As I recall, he worked at a combined KFC/Taco Bell at the time. So, one day after school, Darcy took me to meet him. It was pretty much the three of us in the parking lot on Jacob’s break, just kind of.. .standing there.

I didn’t think much of it, at the time. I thought he was alright looking, but I didn’t really know him, so I wasn’t sure what to think.

I was surprised when, later, Darcy told me that Jacob had said something about ‘her friend’ being ‘kinda hot’. I was like, yeah, right. Whatever.

It didn’t exactly touch me, but I was… feeling weird. It wasn’t admiration, respect, being pleased. I don’t know what it was. I was a bit shocked to tell you the truth.

So anyway. Due to scheduling and otherwise conflicts, we didn’t get to hang out for a long time. We talked on the phone a lot, and in doing that, we got to know each other better. I didn’t really love him… I sorta ‘liked’ him, but that was about it. The idea of love frightened me, but then again, I was only like 17. I think.

Then, one time, finally, we got to hang out. It was in our City Park at night, and all we did was sit on my dad’s old car (a 85 Lincoln Town Car) and talk.

But it was awesome.

We talked on the phone more after that.

I only got to see him one other time, for 45 minutes that time.

And I haven’t seen him since. He got involved with and wrapped up in a lot of stupid things that he shouldn’t have, and told me he was afraid to contact me again, so that was part of the reason why, for a year, he dropped off the face of my world.

During that year, I got angry. He wouldn’t answer phone calls. I had no idea what happened. Was it his cell phone? He could easily have not paid the bill, accidentally deleted my number, lost the phone, gotten a new one, etc. I came up with a million reasons to try and explain why he wouldn’t contact me.

All these ideas boucning around in my head was kind of destructive. Furthermore, my mind gravitated to the worst scenario; I figured he’d found someone skinnier, prettier, smarter, and closer to where he lived to date. I grew quite bitter towards the very idea of him.

After too long, I all but forgot about him. I’d think about him every now and then, but then I’d think of how he supposedly had someone better than me, and didn’t have the balls to tell me.

Then, little over a month ago, I had a mystery text message on my cell phone.

It was from Jacob.

After that, we got to talking, and I decided to give him a second chance only because he’d admitted he’d been stupid and fucked up.

Through talking, I started sorta liking him again, but I’m not sure.

Love is not a certain thing. I don’t know how people can be sure that they really love someone. Because the whole thing has me confused.

What is love anyway?
I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I had just gotten a speeding ticket, and I was on my way home. There was a train on these train tracks, and I was just sitting in my car, staring at the train cars going by.

And I’ve said I loved him back. And I’m still not sure. I mean, would I say it if I didn’t mean it?

I don’t know!

Someone explain please!

I know it’s unexplainable, but it doesn’t make me wish any less that there was an instruction booklet that came with ‘Love’.