Here we are.

Last night was odd. I figured I was going to stay up super late, so I thought I’d lay down for a short nap around 5:45 or so. I woke up after 8pm, confused for a moment about what day it was. I got up and played fallout 3 for a couple hours before going to bed for real, but it just threw me off. This happens every time I lay down for a nap and don’t set an alarm.

Anyway. I did some dishes this morning, but there are still some to do. I’m also going to try and get some spot vacuuming done, mainly just in front of the couch where I eat my meals, in the kitchen quick, and mainly directly around the litterbox (my cat is terrible about scattering litter everywhere). I’d like to say I’d get some tidying done in my living room, but if all I do is what I’ve already done, plus a few extra dishes and a little bit of vacuuming, I’ll be okay.

My therapist told me yesterday I need to not be as hard on myself. It’s been a recurring theme the past few months (and probably way longer than that) that I feel like no matter what I do or what work I put in or anything, it’s never enough and it doesn’t matter because life is going to take a dump all over me anyway. She also noted that I either have insanely high expectations of myself, or none at all. Which makes sense. I either have no expectations at all, or my expectations are so high that I bottom out when I can’t meet them. I’m terrified of making mistakes, being wrong. But it is kind of right, lately it seems that literally no matter what I do, I’m disappointed in myself because I didn’t do more.

It kind of pisses me off, truth be told. You mean that whether I spend all day in my underwear on the couch in a cloud of cheeto dust, or walk to the library to put in my 3-5 online apps a day like usual and do chores in the house, I’m still going to feel like shit about myself? I always thought that if I had a productive day I’d feel better about it. Lately it honestly seems like I cannot seem to feel good about anything.

I only have a few more days before I start the new anti depressant so hopefully that helps because feeling like shit literally all the time gets exhausting after a while.

Let’s see. I don’t have any really exciting plans for the rest of the day, beyond what I already talked about. I’ll probably finish up here, walk home, put a load of dishes in the sink, then perhaps do some vacuuming while the dishes soak for a little while.

A rainy day

Well, it was only misting when I walked to the library, but for half the night it was thunderstorming pretty hard. The first half of the night, the cat kept waking me up, sleeping on my pillow, next to my head, next to my feet, etc, and the latter part of the night she spent hiding in the bathroom (which is what she does whenever it rains).

So I’m not running on much sleep here, but I have had some coffee which should do the job for a little while anyway.

I had an interview at the store with the big red bullseye yesterday, which was a 45 minute drive, and even though I left an hour before my interview time I was sweating balls worrying I’d be late.

So I get there, and they’re not prepared for me. They usually have packets they print out to use in an interview (each packet being specific to the individual interviewed) and they didn’t have one printed out for me. I was worried and asked the interviewer if this was the only particular store location in town, which it was. Which set my mind at ease a little, but it was still like, really, is everybody this unprepared? They had a starbucks inside said store, so I got my first PSL of the year (yes I’m a basic bitch, no I don’t give a shit), and went to Michaels to browse a little. I didn’t bring much cash on me but I’ll be damned if I drive 45 minutes to an interview and then afterwards turn right back around and go home without doing anything else.

Then I had my psych appointment (the dude that prescribes shit, sue me if I can’t remember what they’re called), and they’re going to increase my anti anxiety med, and take me off my current anti depressant and try out another one.

I have my regular therapy appointment today. I am getting more stressed about finances the longer I go on not having a job. I’m not yet in the danger zone so to speak, but I’m getting closer to it than I’d like. Hence the library, doing like 6 online applications, several at a time.

I just get overwhelmed because first off, I’m looking for jobs 45 minutes away because I live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere IA. Then, I start thinking about all the shit I’d have to do if I actually got a job there. For one, I’m sure I’d have to reapply for HUD there, and I’m not sure how that works when I’m currently on it in another county, then I’d actually have to find and move into a HUD approved apartment, and one that allows pets, at that. And moving all my shit all over again, after I just moved here a year ago.

It’s a lot to think about when lately I barely have the energy to shower and get dressed in the morning, let alone do anything else. I’ve needed to vacuum in my apartment for ages, I need to do dishes, I need to do laundry…when I think about all the shit I need to do, I shut down and do nothing because there’s so much to do and I have zero motivation to do it.

Now I’m flirting with the same anxiety problem I had when I was working that stupid telemarketing job, only now I’m not making any fucking money.
But I couldn’t continue to work there either, with all the stress it was causing me.

I don’t know. I feel a little like I’m adrift in an uncertainSEA

Ugh sorry I had to, I hate myself for that. LOL.

Honestly though, I’m not sure of anything anymore. I’m not sure what I want to do, or where I belong, or anything.

Hopefully the change in medication helps, because despite being on two different ones I’m pretty much constantly stressed out to some degree, whether I have a reason to be or not. It’s honestly even an undercurrent when I’m enjoying myself. I’m never really fully enjoying myself because I’m too busy worrying about my bullshit life. And all the current events bullshit going on in the world. I feel like I’m being buried. It’s like I can’t ever turn it off. I pretty much only get to sleep at night because I put on guided meditations on youtube. Or I take 2 hour long afternoon naps, with said guided meditations.

And on top of all this, all the plethora of jobs I’m applying for, I’m not sure I can even handle them, at all. I honestly get queasy just at the thought of working in the kitchen of a hospital, or a server at a pizza joint, or any other job that gives me a modicum of responsibility. Once I get there, they’ll see how I pretty much need to be guided all day long for fear of doing something “wrong” and getting in trouble/fired for it. They’ll see how my applications and personality assessments via online apps and etc feel like pure, unadulterated bullshit.

Whenever I encounter strangers at a workplace my heart is in my mouth and I forget how to talk, then I end up babbling out some retarded bullshit.

If anything has for sure gotten worse (and multiple things have) it’s that I no longer have any faith in my own personal opinions or views on myself, or some other things. I feel like I’m constantly wrong about everything, or that someone else will point out how wrong I am, showing to the world just how big of an idiot I am and how everything I say is bullshit.

I don’t want to insult anyone who has been through something seriously traumatic, but I feel like I have some of the characteristics of PTSD.  I read somewhere that when you have ptsd, your brain still thinks you’re in that same high stress environment and can’t adjust after said high stress situation is over.

Now like I said, I don’t want to insult like, combat veterans or anything.

While I haven’t been in any life threatening situations, I have been in situations where shit was falling apart all around me and I was powerless to do anything.

I know how easy it is to diagnose oneself in the webMD age, so like I said, I don’t want to insult anybody. Just, a lot of it makes sense.

Late in 2014, I was left by two different roommates to cover an almost 400 dollar rent all on my own. I was unemployed for a short time due to store closure, had a job for a couple months, then got fired from that job.

One of said roommates left me with her 3 cats because her fiance (now husband, god help us all) was allergic to cats. Cats all had fleas, we only had one litterbox, said roommate would never bring by a bag of food until I told her we were literally out, etc. Never helped buy litter. I hadn’t signed a lease but I essentially got kicked out and forced to move back in with my parents. I went from being happy it was my birthday, to 5 days later (only 5) I woke up at my parents’ house. Having had NO IDEA on my birthday that 5 days later I’d be homeless and being kicked out. I had to stuff what I could fit into my car, and put everything else into a storage unit. There’s shit I left at that house that I’ll never get back (including a Star Wars poster I’d had since I was like, literally 12 years old).

Like, all of that was not only bullshit happening to me, but my own poor decisions. Never the less, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really recovered from that. Even before I was so distressed with my call center job, I was constantly worried that I’d get fired and sink back into a shitty situation like that, despite my parents’ constant reassurance that there were so many factors that were different this time around.

And that’s probably part of what keeps me so on edge now. I’m terrified of being back in that situation. My parents would never let me go homeless, but they would sure as shit be extremely pissed off if I had to move back in with them. They’d blame it on me not doing what they said to do, because apparently that’s the root of most of my past problems.

My parents are good people but do not understand the bulk of my mental illness, and do not understand that when I say I “can’t” do a job, I’m not saying “I don’t WANT to do that job” I’m saying I physically and mentally CANNOT DO that job. I can’t work fast food, and just picturing myself working fast food can all but trigger a mild anxiety attack.

I’m out of shape, with a bad back, so I can’t lift much weight, and repetitive bending/standing hurts. I have shitty knees as well (though with my regular-ish walks they feel better than they used to).

I don’t know. I just know that my constant worrying about even benign things is severely impacting my ability to live a normal life.

I almost never draw anymore, I almost never have the attention span to read (or even watch movies) anymore, pretty much all I have the attention span for is video games. I’m back to needing to be constantly distracted or I’ll literally just sit there, a ball of anxiety, over nothing in particular. That’s the part that pisses me off the most. I mean, I can almost understand if there’s something for me to actually be anxious about, but anymore it seems I don’t even need a reason. Monday night upon returning to my apartment from spending the holiday at my parents’, I had a legit anxiety attack. I was sitting there doing nothing, sobbing like it was the end of the world. And even in the middle of sitting there, gasping for breath in between sobs, I had no idea what I was even upset about.

And it’s like, even doing productive things that you think would make you feel better because you’re DOING something and not just sitting around fiddling with your junk don’t help. I could spend all damn day doing nothing but productive things, and at the end of the day, I’d still think I hadn’t done enough, and I’d still feel anxious for no fucking reason.

It’s kind of paralyzing at this point.

Anyway. Like I said (or did I, I can’t remember) I have my normal therapy appointment today at 1, which I’m honestly glad about. I know that I must be making progress, but I can’t get away from the idea that no matter what I do, it’s not enough. No matter what I do or how much I do, I’m always going to get shit on and I’m going to be powerless to stop it. I feel pretty helpless in some respects. Because it’s just seemed like for the last couple years, no matter what I do, awful shit happens to me in some form or another.

And that’s no attitude to have for someone who’s literally going to turn 30 in a month. I thought by this age I’d have shit all figured out but if anything it feels like I know less than before.

Anyway, after my appointment at 1, I’m going to drive to wally world and return a clothing item that didn’t fit, and do a big grocery run since my food stamp card reloaded this morning. And that’ll be kind of fun.

I don’t know. I just miss being in a good mood.

 

Weekend musing

I’m at my parents’ house for the holiday weekend, and stressed as all shit (when am I not these days) about a couple looming interviews. One of them isn’t for a couple weeks, but one is on Tuesday (at the store with a red bullseye logo). It would be an early morning logistics deal, zoning the store before hours and putting stuff out. On one hand, it’s an even earlier start than my last job, and that was plenty early. On the other hand, no real dealing with customers.

I feel conflicted and stressed out. It’s roughly 45 minutes away, which isn’t an issue to me but I worry about it because it concerns my parents. Mom mentions how I should probably move to that town, and then I freak out thinking of all the shit I’d have to do to make that happen. I’d have to sign up for and get approved for HUD again, I’m sure, find another HUD approved place, and move ALL my shit and it’s just really too overwhelming a prospect when it’s an accomplishment just to get oneself out of bed in the morning.

I’m nervous because I’ve had a million interviews at the red bullseye over the years and not once have they hired me. Granted those were a different location but I’ve grown accustomed to leaving that place expecting the inevitable rejection  letter, or email.

I’m in an all right mood right now but despite being on 20mg of generic lexapro and 15mg of generic buspar (antidepressant and anti anxiety, respectively) daily, it seems I havr a constant undercurrent of anxiety and just feeling uncomfortable.

Maybe in my true fashion I am overthinking things, but I feel everything positive duller than it should be. It seems that I am incapable of getting as excited and into things as I used to be, unless I drink a couple pots of coffee. I feel confused more often, not about important things, but it just seems I can’t think as deeply as I used to. Not that I was ever a huge philosopher.

Idk. I’m going to enjoy the holiday weekend in case it’s my last as a free, unemployed woman.

Got a haircut today.

Had a haircut at 9:30 this morning, so of course I was awake before 6am. Had some time to kill. Played some fallout 3, did some dishes, that sort of thing.

I have an undercut right now, and it literally took me maybe 5 minutes total for her to trim it. She only charged me 7 dollars, and I had budgeted 15, so there’s that. I have like 6 more days until my food stamp card reloads but I went to the grocery store anyway and got some taco shells and a discount can of refried beans (I love when they discount canned goods because the can has one tiny dent in it ), some eggs, and I got some club soda. I have some frozen fruit that I’ve had in my freezer for literally a few months, and I’m trying to drastically cut back on the amount of soda I drink (which isn’t much, but still more than I should have I’m sure), and that turned out really well. I may get another bottle, since it was only a 1 liter bottle, because I have two lemons in my fridge as well that I need to use up.

After I’m done here, I’m going to stop by the post office to once again return a piece of mail for someone who does not live at my address anymore. I probably get occasional but regular mail for like, 5 other people. Most of it is junk mail, but a week or two ago I took a letter back to the post office that had been sent from a jail. If it’s just junk mail I usually pitch it, but it gets old.

Also, on the phone number I currently have I get several texts and calls a week from random people thinking I’m someone else. One of the wrong number messages I saved said “Hi, I know you’re busy but I could get you a ticket to Paris for 20e, arrival at Paris by 1pm, from cologne”, and it was from a foreign 15 digit phone number. It was interesting so I saved it. Most of them are just annoying. I’m not used to this because the number I had before this, I literally had for 10 years, so I never got wrong numbers unless they physically dialed wrong, which was almost never.

But anyway. That’s why this entry is a little later in the day than most of mine. I was hesitant to go to the library because I figured all the little kids would be in here taking up all the internet computers playing roblox or whatever online game it is they play now (I’m old leave me alone) but I forgot the school year started. LOL.

I’m going to go on my normal walk, pick up some dish soap at the dollar store, and go home to work on a drawing.