…”And I will always love you.”
Damn. This has been one hell of a week. At least I’m doing better today than I have been the past few days.
I finally got some answers. I decided to call Chad once before I went to bed. I figured I was going to get his voicemail again, so I didn’t really expect anybody to answer; but Chad answered.
I guess he’d developed feelings for an old friend of his (someone I probably don’t know). The only problem with that is, she has someone else, but she and her man are having problems.
I should have told Chad this when I was on the phone, but it didn’t cross my mind.
STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER UNTIL SHE GETS HER SHIT WORKED OUT.
I don’t want him to set himself up for failure.
Let’s see here. What did Chad and I NOT do? FUCKING WAIT. I can’t explain why I was so drawn to him so fast, but even so, we should have really kept caps on our relationship until he got things worked out with Ellen. It would have avoided a lot of misunderstanding and feelings getting stomped on.
Still, after their last try got ruined, both Chad and I were on the understanding that we would take it easy for a while, and then try the relationship thing again in a couple months.
I still don’t know exactly when Chad started developing feelings for this girl, but I did notice that he had been acting a bit distant to me for the past week or so. It bothered me, but I figured, if Chad really wanted to talk about it, he’d bring it up.
I’ve told my friends again and again that I am somewhat of a social retard; sometimes, I do not recognize a behavior as innapropriate. People have to tell me, or I might not ever figure it out. Also, Chad promised me that if he had a problem with me, he would tell me.
Such was the case with my incessant calling. I honestly did not realize how much I’d been calling Chad, especially over the past few days, but I needed some answers, and where else was I going to GET those answers, except from Chad himself?
He was ignoring my calls; I’m positive that a few times, I heard the phone pick up, and then instantly hang up. The phone would be off. I was told that the phone was having a problem charging.
That might have been the case. That phone is older than dirt and has been to Hell and back, so it’s amazing that it still makes and recieves calls. Still, I almost thought that the crappy phone excuse was just so he could have the phone off, and not have to keep ignoring the ringer, or giving me excuses.
I’m sorry, but when I find out from someone else that you’ve developed an interest in someone else, I am going to keep bugging you until I get the answers that I deserve.
Now that I got some of the answers I needed, I’ve chilled out. He apologized for not telling me himself, and actually repeated some of the points I made in my last entry, about him needing to be a man, grow some balls, and answer his phone.
He told me that he was afraid of hurting my feelings; he feared that he would never, ever have a friendship with me, so he just ignored my calls and myspace messages. I informed him that he cannot worry about protecting my feelings like that anymore. I said that with matters like that, I am 20 years old, I can take care of myself. He was actually really glad to hear that.
Next time I see him, I’m going to tell him:
First of all, it doesn’t matter how you and this girl feel about each other; romantically, stay the fuck away from her until she gets her shit worked out, and until you get your shit worked out. Give it some time to think. Is this a crush, or could it potentially be more? You have no reason to take my advice, but look what happened to us. Do you want that to happen again, with her? I know how hard it could be, especially if you have very strong feelings towards each other, but it’s for the best that you two don’t go anywhere on the romantic front until things get worked out (it does depend on the severity of the problems this girl is having with her man though).
Secondly, if you ever ignore me because you want to protect my feelings, or are afraid I won’t want to be friends/anything else again, I will personally track you down and bitchslap you into next week.
DON’T BE FUCKING STUPID.
Ignoring the problem may make things seem okay for a tiny bit, but overall, it’s going to make it worse. If you think it’s hard now, just think of how hard it will be in a couple days, or a week. It might be tough to say things sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.
That is probably one of the most important lessons in life that I have learned in the past month. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. You’re going to really hate having to say something like that, but you just have to freaking DO IT.
Still. The next time I see him, or the next time he answers his phone, I want to also tell him that part of me will always love him. Even, 10 years down the road, if we’re both HAPPILY married to other people. With that, though, he has to know that 1, if someone ever hurts him and he doesn’t deserve it, I will beat them within an inch of their life. Secondly, I’d want to ask him that if it happens to be so that, a while down the road, his romantic affairs aren’t working out, and mine aren’t working out, that maybe we could give the relationship another shot.
I was thinking today (shocking, I know). Maybe Chad and I weren’t meant for right now, but it could still have some potential. I’m not going to wait around and not date, in hopes that Chad will come back to me. If I find someone with potential, I won’t push them away because I’m waiting for Chad or anything, but if it so happens that both of us find ourselves alone again, sometime in the future, maybe we can give it one more try.
In other news; in case you haven’t been reading my blog regularly, I have a job. There is a Heartland Inn less than 3 blocks from my house, and I’m going in tomorrow morning at 9 to fill out some paperwork. That could not have happened at a better time. The parents had just about had it with my failed job search. It seemed like I had applied at so many places, yet not heard anything back from any of them.
What with the job and relationship problems piled on top of each other, I was litterally driving myself crazy. I have really high hopes for this job. I figure, I’ll just be cleaning rooms and such, how much will I have to interact with customers for that?
So ends the entry. You’re welcome to comment.