Oh, baby baby it’s a wild world… it’s hard to get by just upon a smile…

-Cat Stevens, “Wild World”.

I am going to make this entry considerably shorter than you’re used to. After all, how much stuff can I have to write about when my entire day was spent either in the armchair, with a heating pad on my back, the futon (again with the heating pad), or going to the bathroom.

My back is doing better, considering it is no longer impossible for me to get up by myself.

Lastnight was horrible. After I got back from the doctor’s yesterday, my back pain just got worse and worse until it was unbearable. Just going from a laying down positing to semi sitting, I was screaming like somebody had just taken a meat cleaver to my back, it hurt so bad.

My parents kept saying, you’ll have to endure the pain, but then you’ll be more comfortable. Of course, by that time, I was panicked, AND in excrutiating pain. I would scream if my dad even tried to touch me. Finally, my parents had had enough of my screaming and helped me off the couch to sit on the armchair.

My parents went and got my perscriptions, which we will probably get reimbursed by workman’s comp, but still. They probably cost a fortune. I mean, I’m only on Motrin 800 and a 10mg muscle relaxant pill… but still. I feel like I’m costing them much more money than I should.

Anyway. I had taken both my medications at the point I was moved to the armchair…. but they hadn’t kicked in yet when I moved…which actually didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

I didn’t get very much sleep. It felt like I was up all night, but I probably slept in bursts. I was awake at 5am, when Captain Planet is on, so I had fun watching that.

Other than that, I’ve been watching tv all day. And woo hoo, I get to do it again tomorrow.

Dammit, if I could work, I’d still be there. I need the money so bad it’s not funny, and here I am, sitting on my ass at home, unable to do anything… It’s very frustrating…

On the brightside: I watched a few episodes of Spongebob, the movies “The Land Before Time” and “Aladdin”, and I also threw in an episode of Mythbusters, and one of Ripley’s Believe it or not.

Well, I should go, so as not to further agigate my back.

And if I stand or I fall, it’s all or nothing at all, darling I don’t know why I go to extremes…

-Billy Joel

Guess what everyone!

I hurt my back!

Oh futher mucking JOY.

So, my day started alright, considering I was on the schedule for work. I watched a bit of tv, then, went to work. I thought I was in luck. My workday as a housekeeper started very well. One of the rooms on my schedule was completely and totally clean; they were missing one drink glass, that was it.

So, I figured, with a start like that, my day can’t possibly go astray.

Well, either karma was being a bitch, or I was wrong. I’ll blame karma. 😉

I started my second room of the day. My back was feeling a bit stiff, so I tried to crack it feebly by sitting in a chair and trying to stretch out my back. Well, it was quite obvious that after two small tries, it wasn’t going to work; so I didn’t press the matter.

Well, I commenced making the beds in said room when my back just started hurting something terrible. I was in agony.  I tried to work through it at first, but it was clear it was not going to go away. I wanted to finish what I started though, so albeit painful, I finished cleaning that room. Then, I went and told my boss. I was hoping they’d at least let me leave early and expect me to come in tomorrow.

They set me an appointment to the family clinic in town, just to be safe. I don’t have health insurance (since I have to be a full time college student to be on my dad’s workplace insurance), but they said that workman’s comp would pay for it. Thank god. I would have just put some heat on it at home and left it at that.

So anyway, when the doctor FINALLY comes in the room to see me, I find out that the part of my spine that connects to the tailbone (something like that) isn’t moving the way it should. It doesn’t move much, but when it doesn’t move like it’s supposed to, it pinches and causes pain. Sorta like an older person’s knees, when the stuff around the knee joint wears out and such. Not exactly like it, but it gives you an idea.

Back strain, it says on my note.

So, it says on said note; I’m not supposed to lift, bend, twist, or anything of the sort. I’ve been perscribed a suped up Ibuprofen, and a muscle relaxant.

Which will make me tired.

Shit. My mother is going to kill me for not cleaning my room today. I had every single intention to start up on it after I got home from work. And, even though it is not my fault my back is hurting me something horrible, she will probably find a way to blame it on me. Not trying to be negative, but when one is so used to being blamed for things, it’s not exactly a shock anymore.

I can’t even sit up straight. My left arm is tired as hell because it has to keep supporting me as I lean, to try and keep some strain off my back.

God damn.

Well, it’s not a good thing my dad has back problems, but he does have them, so he’ll know how to handle it and the medications and such.

So, my work situation; I am not working the rest of this week, but I am to call my boss on Thursday and give him an update. If I feel better, I can work for a little bit on Friday, but more than likely, I’m guessing it will be next week before I set foot in that place.

Oh, I almost forgot; if it gets worse, or isn’t getting any better in the next ten days, I am to see the doctor again.

Dammit, I hope it doesn’t last that long.

Well, I should be going; I’m going to look for a nice, comfortable, plush surface to crash on.

So, take that look out of here, it doesn’t fit you, because it’s happened doesn’t mean you’ve been discarded…

“Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can’t stay here with every single hope you had shattered”
-‘In a Big Country’, by Big Country. 

Why, hello there.

I want to start this entry off by saying that I’m not sure how much time I have, due to my mom wanting to sleep on the downstars futon, which happens to be only a room away, and she doesn’t want me keeping her awake. From what mom has said, my dad has a problem with some of his nerves that can make him twitch while he sleeps, and mom apparently can’t get to sleep with all that going on.

Anyway, I would like to press the entry on while I still have ample time to get across what I want to get across.

My life has been going rather well lately, and except for a few rows (arguements) with the parents, I have been getting along with them as well as I will let myself, my opinion of them being what it is.

That opinion, should any of you be curious is a strange, mixed one. On one hand, I am thankful for what they’ve given me and done for me, but on the other hand, I simply cannot feel love for them. If they weren’t my parents, I imagine I would never want to associate with them.  This doesn’t make me an ungrateful little wench (as my mother sometimes likes to refer to me), or a disrespectful little bitch (dad’s, shall we say, affectionate term); it simply means that I am telling the truth. I feel that pretending to feel differently is actually more disrespectful than just being straight out with them and telling them my opinion.

Yes, parents should be respected, but I feel there is a line one can cross between caring for your child and being downright overbearing and controlling. Yes, you have experienced things in  your years on this earth that, as a young adult, I have miles to go before stumbling upon. This does not mean, however, that a parent always knows what’s best, and their word should be followed blindly, with no regard to one’s personal convictions and gut instincts.

I suppose I find myself with the pangs of young adulthood; I am 20 years old, and therefore, am extremly eager to start living on my own terms, in my own apartment, with my own job, paying for my own things. Dependence is easier, but at what cost? Sacrificing one’s primal desire to fend for themselves?

My parents claim I would not last a week on my own; well, thank you, dear mum and dad, for having so much confidence in me; although I can hardly blame them.

I haven’t exactly had the most exemplary record. I will even go so far to say that I have been extremely foolish; that someone upstairs must be paying great attention to my blunders, for there are so many things that could have gone terribly wrong. One such incident, barely passing a class I needed to graduate High School.

That is but one passage in a long volume of facts that support my plentiful blunders. Even though I have said before that my lesson was learned, and I knew what to do.

I didn’t know then; plain and simple. One can call it bigheaded, arrogant, or just plain stupid, should that be their desire.

All those other pseudo wake ups couldn’t hold a candlestick up to my awareness now.

I KNOW what I have done wrong, and I know what does not work when trying to correct said problem. I have to do things differently, I realize that.

No longer will I be a slave to my depression, social blunders, or anything of the sort.

No longer will I have adversity piled upon me only to crumble underneath the avalanche.

Along with all the self discovery comes another startling realization; knowing when to condede defeat. Such with my current pseudo romantic happening.

Don’t see things that aren’t there. Don’t make yourself “feel” false things. Don’t desperatly want to cling to just anyone, because you’re still feeling the pain from the LAST vampiric bite that Fate gave you.

Chalk this one up to experience. Next time, you’ll be ready.

The next time comes. After a whole lot of escapades and trampled on feelings, that dreaded phrase returns.

Well, you’ll just have to chalk that one up to experience.

I thought that’s what the FIRST time was for; to get experience, to prevent this sort of thing.

As frustrating as it gets chalking every single bloody new blunder up to experience, there really isn’t anything else one can do.

I deserve some points, too. Surely “Experience” has had it’s fair share; my mind wants a go at it.

The city is crowded, my friends are away, and I’m on my own…

….It’s too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go ….
-Cruel Summer, by Bananarama

Well hello there, faithful blog-goers. It is, once again, time for an entry, mostly because I have nothing better to do.

My work has been going okay, with the exception of today. I didn’t have that many rooms to clean. All but one were check outs, which are the most time consuming. Someone wrote down on my sheet today that the target time it should take me to do all those rooms is two and a half hours.

So, four hours later, I leave work. I only took so long to ensure that I did a satisfactory job. I didn’t want to rush through it and do substandard work, just to make the time fit within their limits. I need so badly to keep this job, it’s insane. I’ve been going out of my way to do a good job on these rooms, so naturally, it takes me longer.

I’d rather take a little longer and do a great job, than take less time, and do a mediocre job. I was so worried that one of my higher ups on the totem pole would reprimand me for it that I was frightened to tears several times in that four hours. I’m a crybaby, get over it.

I find myself a little bit down tonight. Despite all of my friends being in agreement that “We can’t lose touch over the summer, guys”, I have barely talked to any of them at all; on the phone, through e-mail, myspace- anything. I mean damn, I know all of us are busy with work and our lives right now, but honestly, does it take THAT long to send a simple, “hi, how are you doing, it’s been forever since we’ve talked, what have you been up to” type e-mail or message? I almost feel like none of them care, though I know that’s not the case.

I’ve talked to Vanessa a bit, through texts and on the phone. I was going to ask if she had plans tonight, but unfortunately, her throat is in the cold grip of tonsilitis at the moment. It’s not contaigous, but still; nobody has something like that and feels like hanging around with people(even if they are her friends).

The only other person I’ve talked to for what seems like an eternity is Jake. He’s a somewhat quiet, and recent addition to our little group of strangeness. He’s nice. He’s funny. And a nerd.

So naturally I want to ask him out.

But I can read body language, so either, he’s one of those social recluse type nerds, or, as is usually the case, he’s just not into me.

Damn. Shot down just short of the runway.

Who knows. I have his number, I’ve half a mind to call him up and ask him what he’s up to. But last time we went to hang out, it was a bit awkward. I couldn’t tell whether to make a move or not, so I just ended up backing down.

Oh well.

It seems like my fate, these days. I don’t want to be pessimistic (who am I kidding), but anyway. It honestly seems like that Fate has a plan for me, and that plan is to be a lonely, 65 year old lady who lives in an old, run down house overrun with hoards of cats, and with plastic flamingos in the yard, complete with their chipping paint and white trash charm.

Still. I know I can’t keep thinking like that and expect to get anywhere. Such is the reason I am trying to remain hopeful. That’s the definition of insanity, isn’t it?: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I’ve been doing that sort of thing for a while, and it hasn’t worked for me yet; so howzabout I change my methods and see where they take me.

Easier said than done, I’m afraid. Oh well. I really, really hate to sound like my parents, but my time will come.

Hopefully sooner than later. I am trying to make that happen, but certain people don’t seem to want to cooperate, you know? I would really, really, REALLY hate to have to chalk this one up to, yet again, the people I’ve wanted, but never gotten a chance for.

I know what it is that made us live such ordinary lives, the where to go, the who to see, no one could sympathize, the smile has left your eyes.

-The Smile Has Left Your Eyes, by Asia.

So anyway.

It’s been a bit since I’ve updated, so I will now, because I don’t feel like going to bed  yet.

I wrote an entry the day before yesterday, but it didn’t get saved. The reason: We have two computers. The one I’m on is wirelessly connected to our first computer. That computer must be on for this one to get internet 99% of the time. Mom turned off that computer, not knowing I was still writing. That entry was really long, and it seemed like I spent forever on it.

Needless to say, I was a little pissed when I discovered that not only did the entry not submit, it didn’t get auto saved either (not after the first paragraph, anyway).

I don’t remember a lot of what I wrote either, except the part about my first day of working at Heartland Inn, which was Thursday. It went fairly well. I palled around with an older lady for the four hours that I worked. By the end of the day, I cleaned an entire room, by myself.

The first bathroom I cleaned myself, the lady told me I did good. On the room, she said I did a great job. So that made me glow a little. 

Friday went alright, also. I palled around with the older lady again, since I didn’t feel I was ready to take on cleaning the rooms by myself.
A room I did myself got a two dollar tip. “Tips” is a word used very sparingly around the hotel housekeeping circut, so I was proud of myself.

For the most part, today was even better. The older lady worked again today, and the first room I did was on the same floor, so we shared the maid cart. After that, I was on my own. Which was alright. I had three check outs to do, and a stay over. Since stay overs are generally much easier and go much faster, that room got saved for last.

I’m almost sorry I did though, because the bathroom was gross. There were these weird green stains on the sink, and there were all sorts of carrot peelings and such in the bathtub. It was gross. Luckily, the guy who was staying there came up while I was still cleaning it, and said I didn’t have to finish.

Anyway. I’ve been doing alright in my life, I guess. I don’t cry myself to sleep every night like I used to (knowing the one you love doesn’t return the favor any more does that to you).

I can be so emo sometimes. *eye roll*

I’ll get over you, I know I will. It’s happening day by day, but that doesn’t keep me from being lonely. I just want someone to cuddle with and casually date, is that so bad? I’ve never really casually dated. The good men are so few and far between that when I actually meet one that somewhat reciprocates my feelings, I fall hard.

I don’t wish I couldn’t love so strongly; I simply wish it wouldn’t happen quite so fast.

I war with myself. On my negative, pessimistic hand, I am saying, ‘Don’t put too much stock into this one, he probably won’t last’, but on my much smaller optimistic one, I’m saying ‘You know what you feel, have hope for this one; maybe the reason your relationships don’t work is because you don’t believe’.

So, what seems to happen when I give in to my optimism?

Something crappy, that’s for sure. It is for that reason I find it hard to curb my cynicism. Oh well. That’s life for you.

I’m just lonely, dammit. Even hanging out with friends would be fine. But, most of them are 30+ minutes away. If gas wasn’t so expensive, and I didn’t have to work tomorrow, I’d try to set something up.

Still. Vanessa is closing tonight at Dairy Queen, so I wouldn’t be able to call her anyway. And, I only have Jenny’s and Chad’s numbers, since the family got new phones, and I didn’t have time to write down numbers from my old contact list. And, since Jenny is most likely busy with work or life, and I already talked to Chad once today, I’m pretty much stuck here.

Dammit. Even though I’m not with him anymore, I miss Chad; not to mention all my other friends. Before school ended, we kept saying we wouldn’t lose touch and all that jazz, but guess what’s happening? If it wasn’t for my persistant boredom, I probably wouldn’t have talked to anybody, other than my family and my few co-workers. I felt so unloved. Even if we can’t hang out in person, they can’t even call me for five minutes to see how I’m doing? It torked me off a little. Not too much though, because I figure, they’re busy, they have better things to worry about than calling me.

Still. That doesn’t make the fact that none of them have called me any less depressing.

Anyhoo. I have run out of semi interesting things to say, so I will update you all at a later date.

The hardest thing is to let go….

Warning: I wrote this originally as a myspace bulletin. I wrote it in a huff, so please do not be offended by anything in it. I just feel like I have to post it here.

What now?
I thought the hardest part was over.
The one I love wants someone else, not me.
I’m getting better about that day by day.
And yet some people still continue to amaze me.
You… you had your chance and blew it. Don’t get angry at me because YOU pissed away your last chance.
And you still call yourself his wife?? He gave you a second chance, and suddenly, after he broke it off with me,  YOU weren’t so sure you wanted to try again.
He gave his heart to you, and you threw it in the blender, and pushed frappe.
(Those are his own words, by the way).

As if his life isn’t hard enough.
As if my life wasn’t bad enough.
Lots of other people have it much worse than me, I realize that.

Besides, what do you plan on proving, printing off my myspace messages and my blog entries?
It wasn’t an affair; it was OVER.
You still being married was a formality.
I would never, ever have persued my interest in him if I thought you two still had a chance.
I’m not that heartless and cruel.

I will admit.
I was confused that entire time.
I didn’t know what was going on.
I never had any intent on being the ‘other girl’, okay? That was never, EVER my plan.
Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure you’ve done and said things that you regret.
Not that I regret my time with him; I just regret the circumstances we found ourselves in.
I am sorry if I caused you any more strain or stress than you needed.  You’re the mother of three children, you have a job, volunteer at church: honestly, I am sorry if I’ve caused you any distress; that was not my intent at all. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out.
I’m sorry.
How many more times do I have to say it?
Neither of us intended things to end up as they have.
It’s been a hard time for all of us.
I’m sorry you have suffered as much as I’m sure you have.
I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.
I don’t know how it’s going between you two recently, but if the relationship is ending, know this.
Letting go is the hardest part. It sucks. It makes you want to die inside; I know. I’ve died inside, not only on account of this situation, but the situation I was in, with my ex boyfriend Jacob.

Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and Let It Go. Things don’t always work out like we plan them. I’m very sorry things have been tough for you, alright? I truly am. It kills me to know that people are going through such hurt and stress, and I can’t do anything about it.
I will say it again: I AM SORRY.

Sorry for all of this shit.
I didn’t shun advice on purpose.
I really did think you were just having a hard time letting go, and I was under the impression that everyone else was just seeing a ten year age difference, and someone who was having a hard time in their life with someone like me. I figured, they didn’t know.
I am still learning things about life.
I will say it one last time.
I am truly sorry for this.
I hope things look up for you in the future.
I really do.
Of all the people who deserve it, it’s people like you guys. I can deal. I deserve to be tortured like this, I’m worth nothing in life. I’m just a piece of useless flesh using up the planet’s resources, but you guys, you have reasons to live and I am sorry I messed with that.

If I should stay, I would only be in your way, so I’ll go, but I know, I’ll think of you every step of the way…

…”And I will always love you.”

Damn. This has been one hell of a week. At least I’m doing better today than I have been the past few days.

I finally got some answers. I decided to call Chad once before I went to bed. I figured I was going to get his voicemail again, so I didn’t really expect anybody to answer; but Chad answered.

I guess he’d developed feelings for an old friend of his (someone I probably don’t know). The only problem with that is, she has someone else, but she and her man are having problems.

I should have told Chad this when I was on the phone, but it didn’t cross my mind.


I don’t want  him to set himself up for failure.

Let’s see here. What did Chad and I NOT do? FUCKING WAIT. I can’t explain why I was so drawn to him so fast, but even so, we should have really kept caps on our relationship until he got things worked out with Ellen. It would have avoided a lot of misunderstanding and feelings getting stomped on.

Still, after their last try got ruined, both Chad and I were on the understanding that we would take it easy for a while, and then try the relationship thing again in a couple months.

I still don’t know exactly when Chad started developing feelings for this girl, but I did notice that he had been acting a bit distant to me for the past week or so. It bothered me, but I figured, if Chad really wanted to talk about it, he’d bring it up.

Not so.

I’ve told my friends again and again that I am somewhat of a social retard; sometimes, I do not recognize a behavior as innapropriate. People have to tell me, or I might not ever figure it out. Also, Chad promised me that if he had a problem with me, he would tell me.

Such was the case with my incessant calling. I honestly did not realize how much I’d been calling Chad, especially over the past few days, but I needed some answers, and where else was I going to GET those answers, except from Chad himself?

He was ignoring my calls; I’m positive that a few times, I heard the phone pick up, and then instantly hang up. The phone would be off. I was told that the phone was having a problem charging.

That might have been the case. That phone is older than dirt and has been to Hell and back, so it’s amazing that it still makes and recieves calls. Still, I almost thought that the crappy phone excuse was just so he could have the phone off, and not have to keep ignoring the ringer, or giving me excuses.

I’m sorry, but when I find out from someone else that you’ve developed an interest in someone else, I am going to keep bugging you until I get the answers that I deserve.

Now that I got some of the answers I needed, I’ve chilled out. He apologized for not telling me himself, and actually repeated some of the points I made in my last entry, about him needing to be a man, grow some balls, and answer his phone.

He told me that he was afraid of hurting my feelings; he feared that he would never, ever have a friendship with me, so he just ignored my calls and myspace messages. I informed him that he cannot worry about protecting my feelings like that anymore. I said that with matters like that, I am 20 years old, I can take care of myself. He was actually really glad to hear that.

Next time I see him, I’m going to tell him:
First of all, it doesn’t matter how you and this girl feel about each other; romantically, stay the fuck away from her until she gets her shit worked out, and until you get your shit worked out. Give it some time to think. Is this a crush, or could it potentially be more? You have no reason to take my advice, but look what happened to us. Do you want that to happen again, with her? I know how hard it could be, especially if you have very strong feelings towards each other, but it’s for the best that you two don’t go  anywhere on the romantic front until things get worked out (it does depend on the severity of the problems this girl is having with her man though).
Secondly, if you ever ignore me because you want to protect my feelings, or are afraid I won’t want to be friends/anything else again, I will personally track you down and bitchslap you into next week.
Ignoring the problem may make things seem okay for a tiny bit, but overall, it’s going to make it worse. If you think it’s hard now, just think of how hard it will be in a couple days, or a week. It might be tough to say things sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

That is probably one of the most important lessons in life that I have learned in the past month. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. You’re going to really hate having to say something like that, but you just have to freaking DO IT.

Still. The next time I see him, or the next time he answers his phone, I want to also tell him that part of me will always love him. Even, 10 years down the road, if we’re both HAPPILY married to other people. With that, though, he has to know that 1, if someone ever hurts him and he doesn’t deserve it, I will beat them within an inch of their life. Secondly, I’d want to ask him that if it happens to be so that, a while down the road, his romantic affairs aren’t working out, and mine aren’t working out, that maybe we could give the relationship another shot.

I was thinking today (shocking, I know). Maybe Chad and I weren’t meant for right now, but it could still have some potential. I’m not going to wait around and not date, in hopes that Chad will come back to me. If I find someone with potential, I won’t push them away because I’m waiting for Chad or anything, but if it so happens that both of us find ourselves alone again, sometime in the future, maybe we can give it one more try.

In other news; in case you haven’t been reading my blog regularly, I have a job. There is a Heartland Inn less than 3 blocks from my house, and I’m going in tomorrow morning at 9 to fill out some paperwork. That could not have happened at a better time. The parents had just about had it with my failed job search. It seemed like I had applied at so many places, yet not heard anything back from any of them.
What with the job and relationship problems piled on top of each other, I was litterally driving myself crazy. I have really high hopes for this job. I figure, I’ll just be cleaning rooms and such, how much will I have to interact with customers for that?

So ends the entry. You’re welcome to comment.