The beauty of a dream….

At this point, I wish I had one.

I don’t know, it just seems like everything I try to do in life is a failure.

I will now enlighten you about my biggest screw up, my entire college experience.

I entered my first year of college much like I went through High School; by the flaming seat of my charred pants as I got burned by my own attitude.

My grades and my attendance were about as horrible as my delinquent attitude.

So much so that my financial aid got suspended, because I didn’t have at least a 2.o GPA.

I vowed not to let the same thing happen… I got my financial aid decision appealed, to get a second shot at the whole college thing.

But I seem to have screwed that up, starting with dropping Comp and Speech. I was behind two papers and a speech, so I dropped it. But, I had to remain at full time status, so I added this online class, Intro to Insurance. I tried e-mailing the teacher at least four or five different times, and I got nothing back.

And, for some ungodly reason that I still have not discovered, I could not force myself to see if he had a room, or if I needed any books, or anything of that nature… I didn’t do an iota of work, so I got an incomplete for all my trouble.

And, I retook Intro to Theatre, thinking I could erase the F off my record from last year, but I failed it again this year, because I missed so much, and he wouldn’t let me make up the final, because he said even with a perfect score, I’d missed so much that it wouldn’t matter.

And, to make matters worse, I’ve been lying to my parents about how I’m doing, and

I just can’t stop.

I can’t rain on their parade.

I can’t sink their ocean liner.

I   CAN’T    DO    IT.

They’re in such good moods right now. New Years is coming up. We just had a great day with my grandparents and both my aunt & uncle, which, they are very hard to get along with.

They had so much hope for me, and because I have problems and things I can’t explain, I biffed it up again.

I’m not looking for excuses to defend my laziness. I’m not looking for a defense for my being a bum.

I’m just looking for answers, because I honestly don’t know why I do or feel certain things.

Mood swings. I’m pretty sure I’ve had long lasting relationships with manic depression and bipolar disorder. Manic depression because, when I’m happy, I have the whole world wrapped around my finger, and when I’m depressed, it seems like the whole world just
s u c k s,  and it will never, ever get any better.

And the lying. I just can’t seem to stop the lying. I must be a habitual liar or something.

And my bad attention span, especially when it comes to work. Now, I’m pretty sure three measly hours making beef sandwiches isn’t exactly anybody’s walk in the park, but compared to the hours most fast food workers have to put in, it should seem like one.

But for me, it’s unbearable. After being there for an hour, I am so bored and hopeless, I don’t know what to do. It feels like the clock has stopped, and that I’ll  never escape… And even though I know time is still moving, every single time I work, this happens. I can only think of twice in the history of me working there that I haven’t been hopeless for most of my shift.

And, homework/studying. I can’t even do homework for half an hour without being so incredibly bored that I have to quit… it’s like, I can’t concentrate on it, my mind wanders too much…

So, being the fun little ball of sunshine that I am, I probably have some type of ADHD or ADD or something… or some other disorder that has some of the same symptoms…

Simply put, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better.

So I probably have some issues with depresion too.

Goody.

As if my chances of getting a boyfriend were any good before I went and screwed up all this shit… Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die an old lady with like, 1000s of cats in a rotting old shack that all the little kids throw rocks at.

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The woes of an Arby’s meat slicer, Part 2.

I hate my job. ARBY’S SUCKS. Don’t ever eat there, unless you’d like me to personally castrate you with a blunt butter knife. HATE HATE HATE. Although I guess I’m partly to blame, since I haven’t been bothered to look for a new job. I suppose you could say it stems back to one of the problems I discussed in my previous blog entry, about being overly lazy and apathetic, with no explanation as to why I can’t be strong enough to break the cycle…. So, in the end I can only be mad at myself for being stuck at a job that drives me insane, and all for a tiny three hour shift working a damn meat slicer. Which stems back to another problem I talked about in my previous entry, the short attention span one. For some unexplainable reason or another, my attention simply cannot be entertained for more than an hour, hour and a half on good work days. After said amount of time, I get restless, and I feel hopeless, like I’ll be stuck during a rush lunch hour forever. It almost feels like this hopelessness is so bad, I’d do anything to get out of it. Anything. ‘Accidentally’ cutting a fingertip off with the slicer. Slipping and breaking an arm or a leg. ‘Going to the bathroom’ and then mysteriously discovering I have the flu. Dear god. Shoot me. Again. XP I have to work at 11. I suppose I shouldn’t be too angry, because I have the entire winter break to piss around. And worry about my failures, and what the parents will do when the fact becomes public knowledge. I am left in another rut, where I, once again, do not know what to do. GOD DAMMIT.

Of Downpours and Melting Sugar Cube castles

Shot down once again. In this love affair called life, I have once again been given the cold shoulder, although I am partly at fault.

I doubt I need to introduce you to the idea that I have/had (depending on your outlook) an uber huge crush on a guy named Chris. My crush has been going on and off for a long time. A looong time.

Well, today, my sugar cube castle was rained on and melted into a puddle at my feet.

You know that picture I have, the one of Chris playing Guitar Hero? Well, it turns out, my entire crush on him started based on a misunderstanding. As you can see in that picture, I was merely trying to rest my hand on the chair, but I guess Chris got this weird idea that I liked him and was trying to put my hand on his shoulder. This was not my intent at all. Being drunk I was naturally a little less aware, but that was in no way the message I was trying to send to Chris.

But, the way it stands, I misred his misreading of me. I thought he was trying to hold my hand. Easy mistake to make, but I feel kind of bad. I started having a big crush on him based on something that I totally misinterpreted. And he’s got a girlfriend, but he’s a shy guy too, so it was just a misunderstanding and shyness on both our parts.

Today just.. hasn’t been a good day. First, I didn’t go to theatre because I don’t have my paper done, and they took the final today. Then, I was still stressing over the fact that I haven’t done anything for my online class because lack of communication on the instructor’s part. On top of that, I was stressing over my Applied Voice final. When Chris went to class this morning and I hadn’t given him the present I got him, I was under the impression that he was going to leave school after class.

I was wearing these two barettes in my hair. Jarrod jokingly mentioned that I had a ‘hunk of metal’ in my hair. Even though it was an innocent statement, that put me over the edge. So, here comes Robert, the cute 21 year old married man, to the rescue. He makes a hell of a good shoulder to cry on, let me tell you.

After that I was a little better. My Applied Voice final went just fine. After I got back, Denisa (a friend of mine) explained the thing about Chris. I started bawling again.

So, there goes another one down the shitter. I’m starting to believe more and more that men truly are like toilets. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are full of shit.

I know this is not the end of the world. I will get over it, I know I will, but it’s just hard to hear sometimes….

It’s better knowing, and not having to worry, wonder, and stress over something like this, but a part of me almost wishes I could keep living in this little fantasy world and keep dreaming about what could be but probably never will between Chris and I.

I just…. wish I realized how destructive or misleading I can be before the fact. It seems like I realize these things when it’s too late to do anything. As much as I hate saying it, I’m going to have to, yet again, chalk this one up to experience.

As Denisa said (and I’m not sure I believe her yet) I’m too pretty and too young to put all my hopes onto one guy. I thought this one time I’d quit being negative and for once, be optimistic. But thing is, it seems like whenever I think that, something bad happens, and then I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I think I’ll just automatically be let down anyway.

Truth is, I still don’t know what to think. Hopefully, though, I learn from my mistake: being shy sucks, but you just have to fucking kick down your brick wall and just do what you want. Because giving in to the fear and avoiding it is not going to make it any easier.