At this point, I wish I had one.
I don’t know, it just seems like everything I try to do in life is a failure.
I will now enlighten you about my biggest screw up, my entire college experience.
I entered my first year of college much like I went through High School; by the flaming seat of my charred pants as I got burned by my own attitude.
My grades and my attendance were about as horrible as my delinquent attitude.
So much so that my financial aid got suspended, because I didn’t have at least a 2.o GPA.
I vowed not to let the same thing happen… I got my financial aid decision appealed, to get a second shot at the whole college thing.
But I seem to have screwed that up, starting with dropping Comp and Speech. I was behind two papers and a speech, so I dropped it. But, I had to remain at full time status, so I added this online class, Intro to Insurance. I tried e-mailing the teacher at least four or five different times, and I got nothing back.
And, for some ungodly reason that I still have not discovered, I could not force myself to see if he had a room, or if I needed any books, or anything of that nature… I didn’t do an iota of work, so I got an incomplete for all my trouble.
And, I retook Intro to Theatre, thinking I could erase the F off my record from last year, but I failed it again this year, because I missed so much, and he wouldn’t let me make up the final, because he said even with a perfect score, I’d missed so much that it wouldn’t matter.
And, to make matters worse, I’ve been lying to my parents about how I’m doing, and
I just can’t stop.
I can’t rain on their parade.
I can’t sink their ocean liner.
I CAN’T DO IT.
They’re in such good moods right now. New Years is coming up. We just had a great day with my grandparents and both my aunt & uncle, which, they are very hard to get along with.
They had so much hope for me, and because I have problems and things I can’t explain, I biffed it up again.
I’m not looking for excuses to defend my laziness. I’m not looking for a defense for my being a bum.
I’m just looking for answers, because I honestly don’t know why I do or feel certain things.
Mood swings. I’m pretty sure I’ve had long lasting relationships with manic depression and bipolar disorder. Manic depression because, when I’m happy, I have the whole world wrapped around my finger, and when I’m depressed, it seems like the whole world just
s u c k s, and it will never, ever get any better.
And the lying. I just can’t seem to stop the lying. I must be a habitual liar or something.
And my bad attention span, especially when it comes to work. Now, I’m pretty sure three measly hours making beef sandwiches isn’t exactly anybody’s walk in the park, but compared to the hours most fast food workers have to put in, it should seem like one.
But for me, it’s unbearable. After being there for an hour, I am so bored and hopeless, I don’t know what to do. It feels like the clock has stopped, and that I’ll never escape… And even though I know time is still moving, every single time I work, this happens. I can only think of twice in the history of me working there that I haven’t been hopeless for most of my shift.
And, homework/studying. I can’t even do homework for half an hour without being so incredibly bored that I have to quit… it’s like, I can’t concentrate on it, my mind wanders too much…
So, being the fun little ball of sunshine that I am, I probably have some type of ADHD or ADD or something… or some other disorder that has some of the same symptoms…
Simply put, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better.
So I probably have some issues with depresion too.
As if my chances of getting a boyfriend were any good before I went and screwed up all this shit… Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die an old lady with like, 1000s of cats in a rotting old shack that all the little kids throw rocks at.