I never have good titles for these anymore.
So, the job is going okay. I don’t work very much, and honestly for a little while I’m okay with that so I can get used to working again. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my parents bitch that I need more hours or need another job, but right now I honestly need to acclimate to this one before I can consider that. I know it probably sounds like I’m just looking for an excuse to be lazy, but my life has been really trying for me lately.
So, I called a dentist today for the first time in literally years. I’ve neglected my dental health something terrible. It’s literally been a minimum of 5 years since I’ve been to a dentist. I have several teeth that have parts of them cracked or broken off (I can count 5 off the top of my head). I constantly have little tiny cuts on my tongue from the sharp edges of these few broken teeth. I’m sure I either have gum disease or the last stage of whatever it’s called before it’s called gum disease. I’ve known this for a while. And it doesn’t help that when anxiety is particularly bad (as it has been for me) one tends to ignore these things, failing to notice them entirely.
I mean, I know this dentist will have seen way worse teeth than mine, but I’m extremely nervous about this. I’m scared they’ll judge me as some filthy hobo who can’t keep up basic hygiene habits. But that’s something anxiety makes harder. I was already lazy before, but when anxiety is bad I can be so busy trying not to constantly panic that little things go by the wayside. For like a week or more, I was pretty much only eating once a day, and that was only because I’m not supposed to take my morning meds on an empty stomach. And that would be it, all day, because I wouldn’t even have the simple motivation to boil water for a packet of ramen. When my anxiety gets bad, I’m lucky if I take a shower twice a week. Which is disgusting. But when my anxiety gets bad, I can only seem to shower if I’m going to leave the house, or if it’s a bazillion degrees outside.
I do know that I feel much better once I actually have showered, but when it takes a shit ton of effort just to get out of bed and make coffee, showering isn’t first on my to do list.
Plus right now, I have my period, which usually makes my negative moods/behaviors even worse. I mean, I can go from laughing at some ridiculous Star Trek episode (So you’re telling me Spock went nuts because he needed to get laid? Seriously? And why during this battle does Kirk’s shirt get ripped ONCE, RIGHT where his titties are? Really guys?) to crying about making a phone call.
Honestly the last straw with this dentist business was me laying down trying to do a guided meditation, and my toothache was just getting more and more distracting until I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. And that’s part of why it’s been so long since I’ve been to a dentist. If I was having a toothache, I would take ibuprofen and forget about it, or it’d put some orajel on it and the pain wouldn’t come back and I’d forget about it.
I know it’s probably stereotypical to hit age 30 and all of a sudden OH SHIT MY HEALTH IS A THING. It just feels silly, because as people my age are literally graduating college with their masters degrees, having children, getting married, here’s me, YELLING about STAR TREK, and getting SCARED OF MAKING A PHONE CALL, anxiety-ing myself to death about working at a damn pizza joint.
Part of it is I’m really okay with being by myself (well I have a cat, but whatever), but part of it is, I really wouldn’t want to subject another human to my batshit insane behavior. Right now I’m okay with reading smutty fanfiction and watching shitty movies/tv on netflix, I guess.