I learned how to raise my voice in anger, yeah, but look at my face, ain’t this a smile?

I’m happy when life’s good
And when it’s bad I cry
I’ve got values but I don’t know how or why

They call me The Seeker
I’ve been searching low and high
I won’t get to get what I’m after
Till the day I die……
-“The Seeker”, by The Who.

 Well, despite my entry yesterday being completely and utterly depressing, today things are slightly heading in a better direction.

I have a new student ID, which is a photo ID, which I can use at the temp agency. This means I can get my drug screening today. Which in turn, means I can soon start getting jobs and earning the money I so desperately need.

My dad called me earlier and told me I could get on the computer once I found his book. I haven’t done the dishes yet, which I fully intend to do once I get back from my errand today.

Thank god. Seriously. I was feeling particuarly horribly lastnight, if you couldn’t tell. Which is why I am so goddam glad that things today are working out. And, as I predicted, dad’s “until further notice” turned out to be not that long after all. I know that book is up in my room. It can’t have gone too far, even with my subsequent tidying up, which in actuality is just me shoving shit under my bed and into my closet so I have room on my floor to walk.

I can find it. And I’ll get to put on a great record while I do it, so it’s not like it will be too much of a chore…. I’m at school right now to waste a bit of time before I have to be at the temp agency. Which, the only reason I showed up at school today was to get a new student ID, since I don’t have the funds or the materials needed to get a replacement liscence. As it was, I had to scrounge all over the house to find some change. Luckily, I had $1.50 sitting on the table in my spot, which was most likely some treat money from either my grandma or my great aunt…

All this entry really gets down to is the fact that my life is going just a little bit better than I would have thought possible lastnight.

I meant what I said lastnight when I said that without Queen, The Who, and David Bowie music, I am not sure what I would have done, although I know that cutting did cross my mind for a few minutes. No worries though. 

No longer to I feel the need to be weak and stoop to that pathetic emo level. Fuck that. I don’t have to submit to that bullshit. That’s giving something else the power, and it’s my goddam life, I should be in control.

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No one knows what it’s like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies.

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you ….
-“Behind Blue Eyes”, by The Who.

Somebody shoot me. Seriously. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I was supposed to get a drug screening for the temp agency. I was going to do it on like, Monday. But, you need a photo ID to do that, and I have once again, lost my driver’s liscence. So I couldn’t do it. So, I need to get another student ID (as I haven’t had mine since my first year of college), but that might cost money. Money I do not have.

The lady at the temp agency seemed a little pissed at me. I feel so stupid. I seriously felt so retarded, standing there in the temp agency, with the lady and the other two men in the office staring at me… It’s not like I’m putting off my drug screening, because you know me, the worst thing I’ve ever had was Everclear. I just haven’t been able to do it, due to circumstances both beyond my control and under it.

I can’t get a replacement liscense because one, I’ve already GOTTEN one, and two, I need my birth certificate for that. Mom has that in a lock box, and I can’t get to it without telling my parents about misplacing my liscense. And they’d be furious with me if I told them that. And, it also costs me money I do not have, which I would only be able to get by stealing it from family members.

Which is why the student ID is the only thing I can get right now. If it costs money, it’d only be like, five bucks. But where the hell am I going to get FIVE DOLLARS? I only have like, $4.50 left in my savings account. If my parents knew that, they’d shit bricks. I’d have to steal it from around the house and then pay people back when I actually get an assignment.

Once I get the student ID, I can go to the temp agency, get drug screened, and start getting assignments, which in turn will get me money. I need money. I just don’t know what to do right now.

Working at Kraft.. I hate people. Which I will have to associate with (just co-workers, not customers). I turn all retarded and idiotic when at a job. I’m afraid of all the people. Afraid I’ll screw up doing the job. Afraid that everybody waits for me to walk away, and then talks about how retarded I am and how they wish they worked with someone else.

AND, to work there, we have to buy steel toed shoes. Which I also can’t afford.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. 

My father flipped out on me again today, and for no fucking reason.

His desk is normally cluttered anyway, whether my shit is on it or not. This desk is where the computer is.

Now, a few months back, I borrowed a book from him. I left the book sleeve on his desk, because I don’t like reading with them on. The book is still somewhere in my room. My father never even reads, so why today is the day he notices is beyond me.

Okay, so he was looking for something… Moves a pile of crap that isn’t mine and goes “Is this shit yours?”, meanwhile pushing through all the crap to look for whatever he needed to find. Starts ranting about how I always leave my shit on his desk, he needs all of his desk now, because he can supposedly never find any of his shit.
So, he informs me that I will need to clean my entire room to find the book I borrowed, and all my crap needs to be off his desk (when in actuality, the only stuff of mine that is on his desk is a notebook and some loose pages (I’m typing up part of a Labyrinth fanfiction of mine), a bowl from me having a snack, a pair of earrings, and my barely opened bottle of Vault soda. Oh, and a book of mine. How this qualifies as a bunch of shit, I’m not sure. Considering my father never uses his desk, and most of the shit on it is actually HIS.

Also, my father informed me that I was to do all of this before I watched tv, got on computer, or did anything. Then, he switched it up on me and said I was to do all of that shit and then not be on computer until further notice. Which with him, could be a few months, or a couple hours. He also said we’d be having a little talk.

I asked him what we were going to talk about. So, he turns this book I borrowed a few months ago (which he’s probably never read anyway) into this whole thing about me not respecting his shit. We’ll have the actual discussion tomorrow. He only told me the ‘respecting’ thing because, when he said ‘not until further notice’, I asked what that freaking meant.

I just… want to disappear. I feel almost like I’m slowly going insane. I cause everybody so much grief, I wonder what their lives would be like if I were actually intelligent. I wonder what their lives would be like if I was actually worthwhile. I wonder how much easier peoples’  lives would be if they didn’t have to worry about my drama, paying for my shit, and constantly having to put up with me. Why can’t I just disappear? I don’t understand.

Every time I try to do something, I fail. I feel worthless. I’m going to be perfectly truthful with you here. If it weren’t for my music, I would not see the point of living. Thank god for David Bowie, The Who, and Queen right now. That’s all I’ll say…

I don’t know how to tell myself to keep trying, because it seems every time I do, failure is all that greets me at the end. It’s hard to keep going when you’re such a doomed creature as I am.

What am I going to do?

“All the nightmares came today
And it looks as though they’re here to stay….

What are we coming to
No room for me, no fun for you
I think about a world to come
Where the books were found by the Golden Ones
Written in pain, written in awe
By a puzzled man who questioned
What we were here for
All the strangers came today
And it looks as though they’re here to stay

Oh, you pretty things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving your
Mothers and fathers insane
Oh, you pretty things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving your
Mothers and fathers insane
Let me make it plain
You gotta make way for the Homo Superior..”
-David Bowie, ‘Oh you pretty things”

This is no social crisis, just another tricky day for you….

….You can’t always get higher
Just because you aspire
You could expire even knowing.
Don’t push the hands
Just hang on to the band
You can dance while your knowledge is growing….
“Another Tricky Day”, by The Who.

(If you’re reading this before it’s finished, sorry! I’m paranoid about losing the entry)….

Hello everyone. If you’re wondering why it’s been so long since I’ve updated this; it’s because it’s taken this long for me to get over my anger at my last entry not saving. I had written this huuuuge entry about a birthday party I went to, and some other things, so I was really, really pissed when it didn’t save. Especially since this blog is supposed to be so good at auto-saving.

Anyway. We’ll begin where we left off, I suppose. The birthday party.

It was quite the party, I must say. I don’t remember much about Friday night, except all the drama with one of our friends…. I won’t name her here. Anyway. After that, it was pretty much the normal, run of the mill party. Because the entire weekend seemed to run together, I do not remember much about Friday specifically.

I got drunk, I do remember that. Seeing as I wanted to party in honor of Keith Moon for some odd reason. I remember; it’s because my ‘The Who’ obsession began after the anniversary of Moonie’s death, I wanted to pay tribute to him some way, and what better way to pay tribute than to get smashed and smoke cigarettes! lol

Anyway. We stayed over, naturally. It’s a rule with parties held at Jenny’s: If you drink, you’re staying overnight. I drank more on Saturday night, but since I wasn’t drinking with the intent to be wasted (aka, I took my time), the most I got was a good buzz. 

Jenny had informed us that there was a kareoke contest at the bar.

So we went to the bar. I sang several songs before the contest started, as did Jenny and the rest of my friends. Then, the contest started. We were informed that, if we won, we’d be getting a $50 gift certificate to the bar, and we’d get entered in the finals, where we could win $1000 in cash.

I sang “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, naturally. I’d sung it once before the contest started and gotten a huge response, so I figured I’d do it again for the contest. Besides one of my other friends, there really was no competition. Considering most of the other entries were half drunk, old people singing bad country songs….

I was still overwhelmed when I won…. The finals are on December 15th, and I hope to God I win that $1000. I really need the money. Hell. I’d be able to get my iPod, be able to pay off my college bill, and register for next semester, and I’d have it all paid for. Plus some extra to build my savings account up again…

I want to win so bad, yet I don’t want to build my hopes up too far. Just getting entered is an honor, even if I don’t win… still… I’m crossing my fingers. I feel bad for thinking this, but I really hope that most of the other finalists are horrible singers, so I’ll almost win by default. I have two rivals in the finals, though. Jenny is an amazing singer, and so is her sister Amanda. I’m really hoping it’s only a choice between us three.

Anyway. In a strange twist of the parties we normally have at Jenny’s, we decided to stay over Saturday night as well.

Sunday night… now that is probably the second drunkest I’ve ever been. We used my $50 gift certificate to eat brunch. We had a pizza. I had six shots of UV Blue with one bottle of Mountain Dew, and I bought two screwdrivers for one of my friends that was of age, and a shot of UV Blue. So I was feeling pretty good when we got back to Jenny’s.

Then, people decided we needed to have more flaming Dr. Peppers (which are, half a shot of bacardi 151, half root beer schnapps, with a spoonful of Everclear on top. You have half a glass of beer off to the side. You light the shot on fire, immediately drop it into the glass of beer, and chug the entire glass). I had probably 2 & 1/2 of those. We ran out of root beer schnapps… so later, I had a shot that was half bacardi 151, half Everclear.

Let’s just say that that is the last time Everclear passes my lips. It was the very first time I’ve ever gotten sick after drinking. It wasn’t until hours later though.

So, as you can see, I saw the weekend as a fitting tribute to Keith Moon… I got smashed twice, and won a kareoke contest.

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