But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you ….
-“Behind Blue Eyes”, by The Who.
Somebody shoot me. Seriously. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I was supposed to get a drug screening for the temp agency. I was going to do it on like, Monday. But, you need a photo ID to do that, and I have once again, lost my driver’s liscence. So I couldn’t do it. So, I need to get another student ID (as I haven’t had mine since my first year of college), but that might cost money. Money I do not have.
The lady at the temp agency seemed a little pissed at me. I feel so stupid. I seriously felt so retarded, standing there in the temp agency, with the lady and the other two men in the office staring at me… It’s not like I’m putting off my drug screening, because you know me, the worst thing I’ve ever had was Everclear. I just haven’t been able to do it, due to circumstances both beyond my control and under it.
I can’t get a replacement liscense because one, I’ve already GOTTEN one, and two, I need my birth certificate for that. Mom has that in a lock box, and I can’t get to it without telling my parents about misplacing my liscense. And they’d be furious with me if I told them that. And, it also costs me money I do not have, which I would only be able to get by stealing it from family members.
Which is why the student ID is the only thing I can get right now. If it costs money, it’d only be like, five bucks. But where the hell am I going to get FIVE DOLLARS? I only have like, $4.50 left in my savings account. If my parents knew that, they’d shit bricks. I’d have to steal it from around the house and then pay people back when I actually get an assignment.
Once I get the student ID, I can go to the temp agency, get drug screened, and start getting assignments, which in turn will get me money. I need money. I just don’t know what to do right now.
Working at Kraft.. I hate people. Which I will have to associate with (just co-workers, not customers). I turn all retarded and idiotic when at a job. I’m afraid of all the people. Afraid I’ll screw up doing the job. Afraid that everybody waits for me to walk away, and then talks about how retarded I am and how they wish they worked with someone else.
AND, to work there, we have to buy steel toed shoes. Which I also can’t afford.
I have no idea what I’m going to do.
My father flipped out on me again today, and for no fucking reason.
His desk is normally cluttered anyway, whether my shit is on it or not. This desk is where the computer is.
Now, a few months back, I borrowed a book from him. I left the book sleeve on his desk, because I don’t like reading with them on. The book is still somewhere in my room. My father never even reads, so why today is the day he notices is beyond me.
Okay, so he was looking for something… Moves a pile of crap that isn’t mine and goes “Is this shit yours?”, meanwhile pushing through all the crap to look for whatever he needed to find. Starts ranting about how I always leave my shit on his desk, he needs all of his desk now, because he can supposedly never find any of his shit.
So, he informs me that I will need to clean my entire room to find the book I borrowed, and all my crap needs to be off his desk (when in actuality, the only stuff of mine that is on his desk is a notebook and some loose pages (I’m typing up part of a Labyrinth fanfiction of mine), a bowl from me having a snack, a pair of earrings, and my barely opened bottle of Vault soda. Oh, and a book of mine. How this qualifies as a bunch of shit, I’m not sure. Considering my father never uses his desk, and most of the shit on it is actually HIS.
Also, my father informed me that I was to do all of this before I watched tv, got on computer, or did anything. Then, he switched it up on me and said I was to do all of that shit and then not be on computer until further notice. Which with him, could be a few months, or a couple hours. He also said we’d be having a little talk.
I asked him what we were going to talk about. So, he turns this book I borrowed a few months ago (which he’s probably never read anyway) into this whole thing about me not respecting his shit. We’ll have the actual discussion tomorrow. He only told me the ‘respecting’ thing because, when he said ‘not until further notice’, I asked what that freaking meant.
I just… want to disappear. I feel almost like I’m slowly going insane. I cause everybody so much grief, I wonder what their lives would be like if I were actually intelligent. I wonder what their lives would be like if I was actually worthwhile. I wonder how much easier peoples’ lives would be if they didn’t have to worry about my drama, paying for my shit, and constantly having to put up with me. Why can’t I just disappear? I don’t understand.
Every time I try to do something, I fail. I feel worthless. I’m going to be perfectly truthful with you here. If it weren’t for my music, I would not see the point of living. Thank god for David Bowie, The Who, and Queen right now. That’s all I’ll say…
I don’t know how to tell myself to keep trying, because it seems every time I do, failure is all that greets me at the end. It’s hard to keep going when you’re such a doomed creature as I am.
What am I going to do?
“All the nightmares came today
And it looks as though they’re here to stay….
What are we coming to
No room for me, no fun for you
I think about a world to come
Where the books were found by the Golden Ones
Written in pain, written in awe
By a puzzled man who questioned
What we were here for
All the strangers came today
And it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, you pretty things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving your
Mothers and fathers insane
Oh, you pretty things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving your
Mothers and fathers insane
Let me make it plain
You gotta make way for the Homo Superior..”
-David Bowie, ‘Oh you pretty things”
♫ friction and harmony ♫ 