You say you got a real solution/Well, you know/We’d all love to see the plan …

…”You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We’re doing what we can
But when you want money
for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be all right
all right, all right”
-The Beatles

{I am still alive, children. I wrote this entry on my journal, and I wanted to post it here. Believe it or not I do love this blog, and I do want to continue to write in it, I just haven’t felt compelled to write anything until now. Not that anybody but me reads this anyway, but I like to think there is some other sad lonely soul somewhere who does.}

Well kids, I watched tv tonight. OOOO amazing. No okay. I don’t usually watch tv but tonight I watched a special 1 hour preview of a show called Jamie Olivers food revolution because I thought it looked interesting. And it was. It was intensely interesting. He went to a town in New Jersey that is the most obese town in America where about 50 percent of their adults are overweight or obese. Now, I’ve been fighting a losing battle with trying to be healthier lately. I made a switch to tea for a while but I’m having an extremely hard time kicking soda. I just bought a 2 liter of store brand diet cola today, case in point. Sure, I rode my bike to the store to get it, but that’s not the point. Anyway. I didn’t just want to watch this show because the host guy is a cute British man with a really sexy accent(although that helped to be honest). On this show, he went to this elementary school, and these lunch ladies are just giving him a hell of a time (and the kids don’t know any better). When I was pointing out how negative, ridiculous, and stubborn the lunch ladies were being, my mom said I’m like that with some stuff too, and that got me thinking. How long have I been unaware of myself? Or aware but willing to ignore all my negative aspects? I don’t know. Part of me feels like this horrible bitchy hypocrite and I wonder how anybody puts up with me quite frankly. I just don’t know how I got to this point like that. And my weight. Dear god. I weigh as much as two healthy people should. I need to lose an entire person’s worth of weight to even be in the overweight category. I’m embarassed to say it so I’ll just say I weigh inbetween 250 and 275 pounds. I weigh more than my mom and brother combined. And it’s been a gradual thing too. I remember when I used to fit into size 14 jeans. It was in middle school/around the start of high school. I thought I was huge then, but if my 15 year old self could see me now she would just be disgusted. Then I hit 16. I was size 18 by the time I graduated high school. I’m now 23 years old and barely fit into some of my size 24 jeans. Twenty four. The fabric it takes to make one of my outfits could clothe like ten children in some 3rd world country. I feel disgusting and horrid. It takes some proverbial balls for me to post this online because it means I have to look at it in writing. And with all the gorgeous skinny people I watch here on dA, it’s hard for me to say this sort of thing. I have started riding my bike again, but that isn’t enough. I’m trying to eat less, and I’m trying to eat better stuff, but I just can’t do it when nobody else around here is. Nobody else in this family is as fat as I am, they don’t need to worry about it. When I see everyone else snacking it makes me want to snack. It’s so hard when nobody else has to worry about it. I keep trying to eat less meat and work more towards becoming a vegetarian, but I keep failing and becoming the meat inhaling failure I’ve always been. It’s so easy to eat a lunchmeat sandwich for lunch. The meatless alternatives are so much more expensive than their meatfilled counterparts, and it’s hard to say I want to eat less meat when meat is the main ingredient in a family meal. It’s hard to eat less food when there’s so much food in the house. Granola bars. Cereal. Ice cream in the freezer. Taco chips in the pantry. Mom just made peanut butter rice krispie treats today. If I lived alone, I wouldn’t be able to afford all that food so it would be easier, but it’s so hard when all this food is just sitting a couple rooms away, and when the unhealthy shit is so much easier, faster, and cheaper to fix. Before I went on that tangent I was talking about a tv show. This show has me thinking. I want to live past the age of 30. It’s going to be extremely difficult to change my eating habits when nobody in the house will be doing it. Sometimes I have so little energy, it’s really hard to force myself to get out and do things when its so much easier to sit around. When it’s easier to sit around and let the dirty dishes pile up than getting off my fat worthless ass and doing them. It’s easier to let the grotesque clutter in my room pile up than getting off my ass and cleaning it. This has to change. And my parents. They aren’t trying to make it harder but lets face it, sometimes they do. Usually they do. It stems from the fact that my dad thinks I can just go out and POOF, find a new job, just like that. I have two applications I need to finish and turn in tomorrow, and I don’t care how tired I get, I’m biking to state park. It’s easily over a mile away but I don’t care. I have to turn in some movies to the library, and then I’ll go across town, past my house, to the goddam state park. This shit starts now. I might make a slight exception because this is my time of the month this week but from this point on, my fat ass will be on that bike every single day. After this 2 liter, I am not buying any more soda and will only have it on special occasions. I will save up the 50 cents here and there I would have bought pop with and I’ll buy my own fricking tea and brew it myself. I don’t care if it’s lunch time or if the rest of the family is eating, I will eat ONLY when I actually feel hunger pains (as part of my problem is eating meals on a set schedule whether or not I actually feel hungry). This shit has got to start now. Maybe he’s just a cute british man trying to help people thousands of miles away but it’s Jamie’s show that has me thinking right now, and I’m not going to let this be like every other time I get like this where I say all this epic shit and a week later, I’ve let it all slip. Not this time. I’m tired of being a failure