I’m really not okay.

My former roommate’s mom is letting me crash at her place tonight. She’s also letting me use her computer, which is why I’m even able to write this now, and not just in a notepad document on my computer or something.

I called in to work today, since I’ve either been forced to scramble for rides or walk to work since my car doesn’t work right now and the repair people still have not called for a tow.

I thought I put in for the 22nd through the 24th off, but I guess I only put in for the 24th off. Work switched to a new weird scheduling system and I really didn’t understand how to put in for time off, everyone was sort of learning. Of course I didn’t discover this until after I fucking called in. If I knew that, I would have just sucked it up and gone to work today, so I could just call in on one of those days. That caused me a huge panic attack. That combined with the fact that the electric people were going to shut off my power tomorrow if the bill wasn’t paid. Former roommate said yesterday she was going to stop by my house and pick up the money but it was like 5pm and she still hadn’t showed up and wasn’t responding to facebook messages, and I just fucking lost it. I was wailing crying, gulping for air, the whole 9 yards.

I only saw former roommate for like a minute yesterday. Former roommate 2 had come over to do some laundry and locked the door, locking me out of the house, so I hung out at former roommate’s mom’s house like a block away. Former roommate 1 stopped by to give me a key so I could get in my house.

Anyway, former roommate’s mom happened to respond to my facebook message. I asked if I could come over again and hang out and she said she didn’t mind. I know it’s a bit strange to go from me really wanting to sleep in my own bed last night to not wanting to be in my house at all tonight, but sometimes I just can’t be in that house. Plus it’s super hot in my house with no ac.

Anyway, she had tried to call former roommate and she wasn’t answering. Long story short, I gave the cash to former roommate’s mom, and she went ahead and paid with her bank account. Then of course former roommate decides to respond on facebook saying she’ll call tomorrow and get her name taken off the bill, and she’ll stop by and get the money. I was about to respond when former roommate’s mom told me not to, that it was time for former roommate to start taking care of shit and such. So I didn’t. I’m paranoid but she had a point. It’s time for former roommate to wait around and wonder if I read the message on facebook even if it said I “saw” the message. She can show up at my house and be perplexed that I’m not there.

I’m just so sick of people treating me like garbage. I thought both my former roommates promised they’d never just dump me on my own but that’s exactly what they’re doing. On that note, former roommate 2 has not stopped by and dropped off what she was going to put towards the electric bill so that entire thing came out of MY pocket.

So yeah, it was all of that shit factoring into my panic attack. That’s also a reason I called in. I have tomorrow off anyway, but I need a couple of days for my fucking sanity. Also because my legs really hurt from walking to work. It’s 2 miles one way. One day I walked there and back myself. Another day I had walked halfway there but former roommate’s mom noticed me walking and drove me the rest of the way. One day I only walked one way and had a friend drop me off at home. This is how out of shape I am.

Dammit my hands already hurt and I haven’t even gotten to the reason I wanted to write this yet.

It’s because, as all this shit is going on, I have to deal with losing my favorite comedian of all time and it has affected me more than I think a death in the family would. It feels stupid but I honestly have taken Robin Williams’ passing really hard. I know it was only partly because I was still PMSing when I heard the news, plus all this life stress, but… It’s been almost a week, and I’m still fucking crying like I just heard the news. Here is a man who brought joy to so many people, who did so many kind things for others, and yet his mental health was still suffering. It was hard to hear because I’ve been having such a hard time, and it’s like, fuck, if a guy with all these resources and friends to help, if he couldn’t deal with it, how the fuck am I going to?  It wasn’t his time to go. I would take his place in a heartbeat if I would. All I’d ask the universe is time to have a conversation with him, then I’d gladly take his place.

Ever since I was a kid, his work has been present in my life. Ever since a bit on sesame street asking if a shoe was alive. Ever since the movie FernGully:The Last Rainforest. Aladdin of course. So many other movies like Flubber, Jumanji, etc. As a kid I used to say the two weirdest guys on earth were my dad and Robin Williams. His stand up routines have gotten me through some boring ass dishwashing shifts at my old job. My college friends and I used to watch his Live on Broadway bit all the time. Just a week or two ago I was watching an old bit of him when he was on Craig Ferguson’s show, and I lamented on facebook about missing his 80s stand up comedy. I never thought that just a few days later he would be gone. It’s just sad to think that someone whose work has been so present in my life is gone. I’d love to go on and on about how much I loved this guy and how much I’m going to miss him but I’m exhausted from everything. I’ll probably speak at length and more eloquently about him another time, but I can’t do any more right now.

Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.

Apparently I’ve been so stressed the past couple of weeks that lots of customers and coworkers have complained about my attitude. Sorry if I’m not shitting rainbows and sunshine when I don’t know if I’m going to be able to pay rent or any of my bills this month, or if I might have to move all my shit for the second time in half a year if I have to get an apartment.

I mean I’ve still got a job and everything, but really, this isn’t what I needed to hear right now. I mean better to hear it and keep my job but really? How do I explain to them the predicament I’m in? I hate my job more than I’ve ever hated anything, but I also really can’t afford not to have it. The hr lady helped me print off my paystubs in case this is something I need for the income based apartments, if it comes to that, and she gave me a brochure with some numbers to call regarding rent assistance type things. I don’t know how much this will help, and honestly I’ve gotten so bad where I don’t want to do anything at all.

Sure going outside helps depression but how can it help me when I’m too depressed to fucking go outside? I’m honestly surprised I’ve been able to force myself to go to work.

I’m sick of not feeling like myself, but how can I get a damn shrink when I’m uninsured and poor? And I probably make too much money to qualify for the programs I really need. It’ll be just like college. I didn’t qualify for a study program I really needed because both my parents had college degrees and because I wasn’t retarded. How is it in the supposed greatest country in the world, people who really need help “make too much” to qualify for assistance, but still can’t make it on their own? I’m surprised I qualified for an EBT card, to be honest. Is it this hard for everyone? Because I’m not a person any more. As cliche as this sounds, I’m empty. I’m an empty shell of a person who barely functions anymore. I get up, play sims 2 for hours, maybe remember to eat breakfast, begrudgingly drag my ass to work for 5 and a half hours, then drag myself home, eat dinner, and play sims until passing out for the night.

I’m not addicted to anything, I just need the distraction so I don’t fall back into old self harming habits. I’m lucky I’m too poor to afford very much alcohol or who knows if I’d have issues with that too.

Idk. I feel like a piece of roadkill stuck to a semi truck’s tires and I just keep getting run over and flattened some more but can’t seem to dislodge from the wheel. That’s exactly what I feel like.

My friend from California said that if I hadn’t bought my return ticket for the Halloween shenanigans by the end of this month that she would buy it. Honestly, she might have to. I would be paying her back what I could for it, because she’s done a ton for me already.

I mean, I’m glad we planned this and all but all things considered I probably shouldn’t even have bought the concert ticket in the first place. I really can’t afford it. Seriously though, I’m glad it’s all going to happen because lately I can’t seem to think of many more reasons to stay alive. That sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, because I’m too much of a pussy to even self harm, how the hell would I actually off myself? It’s probably a good thing I’m such a fucking scaredy cat or I’d probably be dead.

I’m at the library because internet at home has quit working again, although if that’s my shitty old computer or the fact that we didn’t pay the mediacom bill, I’m not sure. I don’t care, mediacom can shut off our service, I can’t really afford 40 bucks a month for internet or whatever it is, plus it’s still in former roommate’s name. So she gets to deal with it. Whatever. I’m almost hoping I can get one of those income based apartments so I don’t have to deal with this whole stressful fucked up  housing situation with former roommate and the landlord and everything.

The only thing I’m worried about is what if those income based apartments need a security deposit? I really don’t have any money just fucking set aside for that sort of thing.

So I’m almost hoping that potential roommate says she can’t move. I mean, if she can, great, but I’m still going to apply for shit.

I’m just tired of being depressed or stressed 24 hours a day.  Anyway I need to go pick up a couple things at the grocery store, and I’d really just like to get home.

Just a small rant while I wait for the laundry to be done.

It’s hot as balls in the house right now, so I was going to take a shower, but I have to wait for the laundry to get out of the washer and at least dry enough to put on before I can do that. I have to wait because I discovered I literally don’t have one clean pair of undies in the whole house and if I do they’re well hidden.

Also discovered some ants on my bedroom floor which was probably humorous to the neighbors if they heard me yelling “WHY ARE THERE ANTS IN HERE” repeatedly.

It was while in the basement putting the laundry in that I just got annoyed all over again.

Our basement is… gross. There’s old cat shit everywhere and dried piss on the floor, and former roommate has been promising to clean it for ages. And if roommate 2 wants to be out by the end of the month… the fact is nobody is going to want to move in here if they come to visit and the basement looks like… THAT.

The reason I haven’t done anything about it until this point is that 1, former roommate has been promising to clean it, and 2, it’s just fucking overwhelming to even think about. She’s still got some of her stuff piled up in a corner, and even though most of the cat crap is confined to one half of the basement, that’s still a daunting task to even consider..

 

Okay wait, so I was in the middle of writing this and a friend of mine on facebook messaged me and said her friend was most likely interested in moving in, and I asked my friend when, and they replied ASAP so like… I’ll have to talk to roommate 2 when she gets home from work. Also if this is the case, the basement I just bitched about… I’ll have to actually clean it myself.

But like I’m still wary. My friend gave potential roommate my facebook and my phone number, but like… what if this doesn’t work out. What if she comes over to look at the place and doesn’t like it? And like I guess I have to clean the basement now because there’s no way anybody would move in with it looking like this. I hope my friend isn’t exaggerating the possibility of this working out. I can never tell if it’s because there’s real doubt in a situation or if it’s just my paranoia clouding my judgement.

Ugh. I really hope this works out. I can just never tell if I’m being stupidly too optimistic and that if I start relying on it that it won’t work out, or if I’m being just the right amount optimistic that it might work out. Idk anymore.

Dammit, why is it when I hear potentially good news, I’m only excited about it for like 5 minutes, then I start freaking the fuck out over the hundreds of ways things could go wrong.

Ugh. I’m going to go check on my laundry.

Meh.

Apparently this is the 4th entry I’ve titled “Meh” but I don’t really care.

Today I actually had the best day I’ve had in a long while, mood wise. I played sims all day and listened to music. The roommate got home from work at about 9:30 or so, we ordered pizza, it was fun.

But the reality is that she wants to be out of the house before rent would be due on the 25th.

I can’t really apply for Section 8 because the waiting list is 3-6 months, and I only just knew the roommate was for sure moving back home until maybe a couple weeks ago, certainly no longer than a month ago.

Former roommate said she sent a message to a friend of hers who might need a place but told me she has not gotten a reply or anything, so now I’m starting to freak out a little.

If it takes a couple weeks to find someone, it wouldn’t be fair to them to ask them to pay for half the rent when they hadn’t been here very long, but likewise, there’s literally no way I can afford 450 dollars rent on my own. I probably make barely that much in an entire month, with nothing set aside for bills and gas.

I looked online for some area apartments, and pretty much all of them were like 400 or over and didn’t allow pets. The one apartment former roommate used to live in would only be like 320 a month for a studio apartment, but they need 300 dollars deposit, and they do background and credit checks. So who knows how fucking long that would take.

I’m pretty sure the landlord here would not be understanding if the 25th comes and I only have what I’d normally pay for my half (which would be 225 now), because for a little while, former roommate was paying 410 all by herself.

I mean, the landlord here is former roommate’s husband’s uncle, so perhaps former roommate could talk to him (apparently she’s talked to him about stuff for us before) but I don’t know how much influence she has on him. What would really be great (well not great, but decent for the circumstances) was that if we couldn’t quite come up with the rent this month, just let us pay it when September’s rent is due, but I really don’t think he’d let us do that.  That way I’d have more time to both save up money for rent, and look for a roommate, but I really think there isn’t a ghost chance in hell for him to let us do that. The most I can imagine he’d let us be late is until like, maybe the 1st of September.

If she can’t find anyone to move in here, I really don’t know what other options I’d have.

I am going to go to DHS on Tuesday, finally, and ask them about stuff, but I really don’t think they’re going to be able to help me on such a short time frame, unless there’s some emergency assistance program or something.

Honestly I think it’s really shitty of roommate 2 to be moving back home after barely being here 3 months. I mean,  I understand she wants to save up money to go to college, but here I had been thinking that I had at least a year before I had to worry about finding another place or finding another roommate. But here it is, August, and I’m wondering if I’m going to even be able to be here at the end of the month.

I really wish I could ask roommate 2 to wait until I’m able to find a place (or a roommate). And really I think she could just suck it up and help pay rent this one last time. I know she wants to be out by the 25th, but it’s really not fair to me. I’m the one getting fucked over here. I mean, for the last 3 months I don’t know what I’d have done if she didn’t live here, but I almost wish she’d have just kept fucking living at home if she’s going to be moving back so soon.

 

I just really don’t have any idea what I’m going to do because I see myself freaking out with like a week until rent is due, with roommate 2 moved out and just me by myself.

I mean, I did get approved for food stamps, and it’ll be a few days before I get my ebt card in the mail, but that doesn’t do me any good as far as rent is concerned.

Depending on how my visit to DHS goes, maybe they’ll have lists of income based housing I can look into, but again, how long is the waiting list for that shit? Do they care that it’s essentially an emergency and I could potentially be unable to pay rent by the end of the month?

On my tumblr I put up one of those “fuck I’m broke idk what to do donate to me on paypal” posts, and in addition to the same friend that bought my bus ticket to CA on Halloween, she donated 91 bucks towards the water bill so it doesn’t get shut off on Tuesday (I have to go pay it on Monday), and a stranger from Connecticut donated 23 bucks to me, but I feel that these are abnormalities and I certainly can’t rely on that shit to help pay rent. Likewise, my parents have already said they are not loaning me any more money, so I can’t ask them for help either.

It just goes back to this being a shitty situation and me ultimately being the one that gets fucked over.

So, what happens if the end of the month comes and I haven’t found another roommate? I’m sure the landlord would be pretty pissed, and honestly I’ve only met him twice, so how would he react? We didn’t sign a lease of any sort, so I honestly don’t know. Would he let me wait until next month, and just pay him 2 months rent at a time? Would he give me a quick deadline to have the money or have to get my shit out? Say that is the case, and I have to get my shit out quick. Where the fuck is it going to go? As far as I know former roommate and her husband have not found a house yet, so I couldn’t go stay with them. Former roommate’s mom might let me crash there for a little while but I don’t think she’d let me legit live there. They don’t have an extra bedroom and I’d have to keep most of my shit in the basement, probably. If my DHS visit doesn’t go super well I may send former roommate’s mom a message on facebook. Be all “Hey roommate 2 wants to move out by the end of August, is there any possibility you’d let me stay there (even if it’s just a couple months) if I helped out in the house and gave you some money as rent because I’m out of options at this point” and stuff.

I just knew this day was too good to be true. I felt great all day, and now it’s 11:30 at night and all the anxiety has just rushed right back.

I really hope DHS has some ways they can help me, or that former roommate makes contact with that friend of hers she talked to me about, or that she and her husband have found a house so I could stay with them. I really hope I’m freaking out for no reason.

I refuse to look on craigslist because it’s super sketchy, and a coworker I know who’s looking for a place (she has a fiance and 2 cats or I’d have offered to let her move in here) said she almost fell for a craigslist housing scam. I just really hope DHS has some info they can give me.

I’m really pissed though because I had such a good day, and it wasn’t really until roommate 2 left to go to her sister’s house that I started going “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK” about this stuff. That might be because throughout most of the day I was slowly sipping on what amounted to about 6 cups of coffee.

There’s really nothing new I can say at this point, it’s just going to be me rehashing what I’ve already written. I want to go to bed, but I’m worried I’m just going to be lying awake in bed for 2 hours before I can finally sleep, and then I’ll still wake up at 7am like I always fucking do.

I was glad to have today off, and I’ve got tomorrow off as well, but given the circumstances, I almost hope they call me in. I’ve got a 7hour shift on Monday, but I won’t see that until the payday after next (which is August 22nd I think), since I think the cutoff was today for what I’m getting paid on the 8th.

Idk. I said earlier I have 91 bucks on paypal towards the total of 95 of the water bill that is due, but when I see roommate 2 tomorrow I might ask if she can maybe provide a little more than 5 dollars towards that, so I can save some of the paypal money to go towards rent if I have to (or to a deposit on an apartment if it comes to that).

I’m going to browse the internet just a little more then I’ll try to sleep, but I don’t know how much luck I’m going to have with that