I’m back.

Looks like the last time I had the patience to try to write a blog here was like a month ago. Well technically one day less than an exact month but whatever.

For a while there, chrome was not letting me logon to wordpress because it said there was some security certificate issue or some shit. I can’t remember now what it said. For a while I was using my facebook notes as my surrogate blog, but sometimes I don’t want to post this shit on facebook. I mean yeah, potentially the entire world can see what I’m writing now, but I wasn’t really comfortable with there being a post in everyone’s newsfeed when I wrote an entry.

I’m fresh off my first week of work at a retail place I’ll be calling Chop Co here, so as to avoid being able to find these entries if you google the company name proper. I mean, I won’t be posting anything that would get me in trouble, but all the same I’d prefer that there not be any proper keywords to link this blog to the company name.

I worked two 4hr shifts and one 5hr shift, and then yesterday I took a shift for someone when one of the managers called and asked if I would (someone had called in). They actually tried to call me today but I said I was busy.

After two months being unemployed, I really need all the hours I can get, and in the future, I will take a shift for someone almost every single time I’m asked, like 9 times out of 10 I’ll do it.

I have to get used to working again, get used to being on my feet for a while again, all the sort of stuff I never thought twice about when I still worked at my previous job (the mart with the big red K).

If I’d have worked today, I would have only worked 4 days in a row, but like I said, I just needed today to recharge. Physically and mentally. I’m not officially diagnosed or anything but pick any of my good friends or family and they’d probably all vouch for my social anxiety and just all around anxiety. So like, working directly face to face with the public is draining after a while. Next week I’m scheduled every other day which is fine.

Depending on how many hours they need me for, I’m honestly okay with working several days in a row. Hell, I wouldn’t even mind if they wanted to schedule me almost full time (I say almost because I’m sure they don’t want to have to offer me benefits if I ended up working full time hours). Even full time is honestly fine. I just want to work up to it.

If they just threw me right in to 30 hours a week after not working for two months (and only being used to maybe 15 hours a week before, when I worked at the mart with the big red K) I’m worried it would stress me out too much.

Gosh I never knew that people could be under so much stress until I moved out of my parents’ house. Granted, I have roommates, but still.

Some of the stress will be gone because I won’t be antagonizing over not having a job and not earning enough unemployment to pay rent and bills, but I’m worried some of that stress will be replaced because I’m pretty much being forced to work with the public when I’m extremely uncomfortable doing so, because it’s the only sort of job I can get.

I don’t say extremely uncomfortable because I just mildly dislike it, sometimes my social anxiety is really bad, on the verge of me panicking and crying, and it’s so important for me to keep this job. I’ve been terribly self conscious about it.

I know it’s only my first week and there are going to be things I don’t know yet, or need to be taught to do a few times before it sticks, but I’m paranoid that they’ll be like “ugh I’m tired of having to help her we’re going to fire her and rehire someone who used to work here so we won’t have to constantly help them learn shit”.

I’m worried they’ll get tired of me asking them things like “If there was something I wasn’t doing right you would tell me right?” or “Am I doing everything okay?”, “Sorry I’m really self conscious about this stuff”, etc.

Because I’m like, they’re a workplace, isn’t their bottom line about all the possible money we can earn them? Like, do they really want to take the time to help workers that need more help than a normal worker?

I don’t know, in retail work I’m just expendable. What I do takes no real skill so I’m worried that if they have to give me extra help at all that they won’t want to do it and they’ll just fire me and find someone who has more experience who doesn’t need so much help.

I guess I just feel guilty and shitty for needing help. I’m 27 fucking years old, I shouldn’t be needing so much help. I thought I’d have more of my shit fucking figured out by this age. But shit, I’ve heard of people in their late 50s going “I’m just fucking figuring shit out now” and like god I hope it doesn’t take me that long.

I don’t know. I’m weird I guess. Dammit. When I started this entry I had a coherent like plan for what I wanted to say but now I’m hitting that stage where I have too many things to feel like writing about so I just end up writing nothing.