Life is strange, and so unsure.. the days you hardly make it through, you swear that there’s a curse on you, and nothing seems to fit, things won’t go your way, you know you’ve had enough, you’ve got the right to say..Why me?

-“Why Me”, by Styx.

Well, I’m going to be honest with you, today’s entry was going to find me in a better mood, with minor things about work at Super 8 that I wanted to rant about, but I guess now I have a better reason to vent.

Yesterday was, as you know, my first day as a housekeeper at Super 8. I had worked at Heartland Inn this summer, so it had been a good three months since I had done hotel housekeeping work.

The supervisor lady I talked to said that, for my first week of work, she would be there if I needed help or had any questions. It’s a new place, with new people, and new things to remember; generally, people get some time to adjust, right?

Apparently not, and I’m sorry, but Super 8 has no room to be snooty or picky about the people they hire, they’f a fucking MOTEL.

The night before last, I lost a lot of sleep, and even though lastnight I slept better, I still haven’t caught up on one night’s worth of sleep. So, for the past couple of days, I’ve been in this sleepy fog.

I tried so hard with Super 8 because it was my last chance. I listened, I never, ever raised my voice or acted snooty with anybody. I tried so hard to make my rooms immaculately clean. You’d think I was a cleaning angel if you saw what this one room looked like when I was done. When I got there, there were crumbs everywhere. They were almost evenly scattered around the entire floor, in every corner. When I was through with it, there wasn’t a speck to be seen, anywhere.

I had just remembered that I forgot a couple towels in one of my rooms, so I went in to put them in. The housekeeping manager (the lady I thought was so nice before) suddenly tells me that ‘after today, I don’t need to come back. My work’s not what she expected, she can’t be following me around.’

Excuse me? Excuse the piss out of me you unforgiving devil woman, but what is this that I thought I just heard? You are ‘letting me go’ after not even giving me three goddam days to adjust to a new job at a new place, and after three months of being out of hotel housekeeping work?

So, was that just bullshit about ‘you’d be with me the first week if I needed help’?

I don’t know of any place, any job, anywhere in the United States that uses how you do in your first two days of work as grounds to either keep or fire you. Seems to me that they should give you at the very least, three days to adjust. And even that seems a little sparse. Three days. I can’t even get three days to get used to how they do things at their hotel. I can’t even get three days to sort of get myself used to working in a new place, with new people.

I can’t think of anywhere that does that. I’m sure that even their best workers probably didn’t do so well their first three days.

It’s three goddam days.

Do you kill a toddler after three days because it still wets itself?

Do you shoot your cat after three days because she’s still not used to the litter box?

Do teachers shoot their students after three days because ‘they haven’t learned something yet’?

Do olympic trainers shoot their student after three days because they’d never be able to win a medal?

Super 8’s flawed logic is exposed when you put it that way.

And I didn’t even get the courtesy of being allowed three days to adjust to a new job.

I don’t get it, I just don’t get it. I was on my BEST behavior at Super 8; I even behaved better for them than I ever did with my parents, EVER, because this job was my last chance. It was the last resort. It was the last hope I had, and now it’s gone, and all because they couldn’t find it in themselves to allow me three days of work.

What did they think, that I’d be the fucking cleaning fairy? And I’d be absolutely perfect on my first two days working at a new place?

WHO DOES THAT GREAT ON THEIR FIRST DAYS AT A JOB ANYWAY? WHAT, DOES JESUS FUCKING WORK FOR THEM OR SOMETHING?

It’s like learning a new skill; nobody is perfect on their first few tries. It’s like a musician that’s out of practice; are they going to be able to pick up their guitar after their hiatus and play like fucking Jimi Hendrix on their first day back? Are they going to be able to sing like Freddie Mercury right away after they’ve been away for so long?

Did it not get through their thick skulls that I am human? So I spaced on some towels in a few of my rooms. Not even airy fairy snooty mc snoot snoot Heartland Inn expected me to be perfect after two days of working there. That’s why people check your rooms after you’re done. Sometimes,  you just forget things.

Like having someone else proofread your paper; they sometimes see things that you didn’t catch. Such is the case with a double check. You could always check my rooms, but bring me along and make me fix whatever it was that I didn’t do, but no.

I thought work went great. You can’t expect me to fix something that I don’t even know is broken. The least you could have done was tell me what I wasn’t doing right so I could rectify the situation and give you the quality of work that you deserve.

Why me?

Stop
Here comes anxiety
Stop
Won’t you please let me be, I need relief
Hard times come, hard times go
In between you hope and pray
The scars don’t show
‘Cause life is strange and so unsure
The days you hardly make it through
You’re sure that there is a curse on you
If nothing seems to fit
And things won’t go your way
You know you’ve had enough
You can’t take another day
Where to go and what to do
You’ve got those bills to pay
You’re really not alone you know
‘Cause everybody says,
Why me

Why me
“Why me? That’s what I want to know. You know what I mean? Huh. I don’t know.”

-Once again, “Why Me” by Styx.

And, to add to this torrent of pain and misery that I find myself in, my parents will probably assume that it was my fault. Do they think I don’t realize how desperate my situation is? No. I know perfectly well how desperate this is right now, and I’m treated unfairly once again? Why is it that every time I try, I am shot down?

So life is life, and life isn’t fair. Yeah, I know. Still.

Why is it that I can never catch a break? Ever? Why can’t I do something right for once?

 Shoot me now, please! Sometimes, I know think the world would be better off without me! Think of it. No retard to be dissatisfied with, I’d be saving people hundreds of dollars, as well as annoyance, difficulty, drama, food, and alcohol. And my dad could drive my car to work instead of carpooling.

But no reason to be alarmed. Even if I wanted to die, I’d be too much of a pussy to ever go through with it.

If I can’t have you when I’m waking, I’ll go to sleep and dream I’m with you…

-Dreamer’s Ball, by Queen, written by Brian May.

I am so goddam tired. But I’ll tell you about that later in the entry.

First, let’s talk about work.

Today, as you may or may not know, was my first day of work at Super 8. Since I’d worked as a hotel housekeeper before, this wasn’t a hard transition. Just learning specifics, like what cleaners are used where, and where the laundry room is, that sort of thing.

There are more cleaning chemicals, but they’re easier to refill. The rooms are smaller, which is a plus, and there are no miniature fridges in each room.

The bathrooms are so much easier to clean than the ones at Heartland Inn. At Heartland, you would have to clean the bathroom floor with two different cleaner. And we had to first wipe the cleaning stuff around with one of those Mr. Clean magic eraser things, then wipe that down with a towel.

I’m just so glad the rooms don’t take as long to clean. I don’t get that hopeless, ‘Oh my god I’m going to be here forever, why does this take so long, why do we have to do all this’ feeling that I got at Heartland. There are no whirlpool rooms, so no gigantic bathtubs to clean.

And. At noon, you get to take a half hour break. Fifteen minutes of it is paid for. You can opt to just take fifteen minutes too. I took the full half hour just because I felt like it. I was mostly done by the time it was break, but I thought, what the hell. I only had to finish up this one room, and do one last room.

I was only assigned six rooms today. I started at 9:30, got done around 1:15-30, I don’t know exactly when. But, she says they will give up to nine rooms. Still. At Heartland, if I had seven or eight rooms on my list, I would groan, because that would be a long, hard day at Heartland. Now, I could get 9 rooms at this hotel and not even bat an eyelash.

Now, we come to the portion of my blog where I talk about why I am so tired and grumpy.

I normally go to bed around midnight. Lastnight, I decided to go to bed one hour early, because I had work today. I didn’t even start feeling the least bit drowsy until after 2:30am. I got up at 1:30 to use the restroom, and to take one of my acid reflux pills. I only have three or four left, I only take them if my acid reflux is really bothering me, and lastnight, it was. Bad.
Probably due to the fact that, during the day, I had two cans of Mountain Dew Amped, and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Plus, eating lunch up at the college campus because I was there visiting with my friends.

I don’t know what did it, but I just had this horrible heartburn. And, my heart would race for no reason, and then calm down. And then it would start back up again, but that eventually stopped. And sometimes, I’ll have a slight breathing discomfort. Not difficulty or anything, but when the acid settles in a certain place, it’s really annoying. I probably dozed for an hour or so, but that was it.

But, yeah. So, I know two things: no more going overboard with energy drinks, and no more eating deep fried food for lunch. Even if it was just chicken and fries.

You used to be a mean kid, making such a deal of life, you were wishing and hoping and waiting to really hit the big time…

….But did it happen, happen, no
You’re speeding too fast
Slow down, slow down
You’d better slow down
Slow down…..
“Cool Cat”, written by Freddie Mercury and John Deacon, recorded by Queen.

I’ve reached an epiphany, through the strangest of ways.

Let me explain.

From what you knew of me when I last wrote, I was still working at Kraft through the temp agency, but no longer. They wanted me to operate a machine I did not feel that I was capable of running, at least not with the quality that they need and deserve at a factory job. For safety reasons, I would not do it.

Yes, I caught flack for it, but I made the decision for my own reasons. Not to sit on my ass all day and act like a lazy bum, nor to flex my desire to rebel. None of these stupid, immature things.

I have found another job. My dad told me to sign up with Workforce Development, and they told me to get a login on their job searching site.

I found an opening at Budget Inn, right in town even. I went there yesterday and filled out the application right there in the hotel lobby. The lady at the desk told me that her family owns both that Budged Inn and the Super 8 motel in town. She told me to stop by Super 8 at around 10:30-11am today, because they needed people.

I stopped in this morning, and to my complete and total surprise, they hired me on the spot. I start work next week.

This all sounds fine and dandy, but beware, there is an icy spot in my pleasant summer breeze.

If you read my blog regularly, you may be familiar with the fact that I tried to take Comp & Speech last semester. Once again, I was forced to drop the class.

The teacher verbally abused both myself and my friend on more than one occasion, and it made us downright afraid to come to class. The teacher may have seemed bubbly and nice on the outside, but she was unstable. This is coming from me, the Queen of manic depression, so quite frankly, this is saying something.
I hated dropping the class, but because I was so afraid to face the teacher and show up in class, my grades waved me goodbye as they got on the bus to Hell.

I am going to have to tell my parents tomorrow. They have been unawares, up until now. I keep saying I haven’t checked my grades.

First of all, let me just say that, I know they are going to be mucho angry with me, and I suppose I deserve it. This time is not like all my scholastic escapades before, where I failed or dropped a class due to my sheer laziness and apathy towards school. This was due to me feeling threatened by someone who was supposed to be a teacher and a mentor. I can’t very well learn from someone I am afraid to be around. My friend can even back this up, she has seen it.

It’s not just me conjuring up a faux story out of nowhere to cover my lazy, apathetic ass. She was there, and actually witnessed it. So did the rest of the class. I only know what the teacher said to me, and how she acted towards me. Chances are, myself and my friend are not the only ones who were treated this way.

You may ask why we didn’t come forward earlier, but…the end, who are people most likely to believe? The teacher. Student versus teacher. They’re going to think the college student is making an excuse.

But anyway, back to the real point. My parents will be completely livid, and I will just have to live with that. They’ll guilt trip me, yell angrily, and all the other things that parents do when they are let down, but I’ve finally realised that I can’t be afraid to tell them the truth. It took me this long, but I can’t run from myself anymore, there is nowhere in the world I could hide.

There is a point where one has to decide between acting like a person’s child, and standing up for themselves as an adult.

I know my life is going to get a lot harder. I told the hotel I can work whenever they need me, so I will have a steady flow of income. I am completely prepared to pay my parents back what I owe them and more. I will do whatever it takes to keep this job, even if it means biting my tongue and working every day (every day they need me, anyway).

All I can do now is be honest with them [my parents], tell them why I dropped the class and why I haven’t mustered the courage to tell them until now.

If they take it with a grain of salt, I’ll know why. It’s because of my past. I cannot be surprised that they believe the blame to lie with me. After all of this time with blame for everything resting on my shoulders, it will be a bit hard for them to believe that it wasn’t just me failing again. Just me fucking up again.

It’s so hard for me to tell myself, but the class, it was NOT my fault. It was NOT my fault. It was NOT MY FAULT.

Yes, it’s my fault for not telling my parents before now, but I do NOT need to feel guilty for how inappropriately this teacher treated myself and my friend.

I actually just got back from seeing “Juno” in the theatre with said friend in question, and that was oddly enough how I reached this revelation. We talked for a bit in the car, and we are both finally ready to talk to someone at college about how this teacher treated us. We were both so frightened before, it’s taken this long for us to gather the courage.

And it’s taken me this long to gather the courage to come clean with my parents about this class. I have to stand up for myself now. I can’t be afraid to tell the truth because of the consequences. I can’t, I just can’t. I’ll explode if I try.

I’m doing it tomorrow. I know it will be solely my fault for not coming clean about the class, but I just hope they know and believe the reason I dropped the class, because I am telling the honest truth. If not, let me be electrocuted where I sit, here in front of this computer.

I just want them to know that I am telling the truth, that I am prepared to pay them back every cent I owe, and that I will never, ever do this again. Ever.

I’d rather die, and you know me, Death is really the only thing I fear in my existance. 

If I’m feeling crappy for being who I am, I’ll have to change.