Update before the holidays.

It looks like the last entry before this one was in September. Well, since then, I got a job at a nursing home, doing the dishes. And not even a couple weeks ago, I got fired from that job, so I once again find myself without income. Luckily (or perhaps unluckily) I had already gotten gifts for those I am exchanging with (just my mom, dad, and my sister, really).

For the first couple weeks the job was hell because the boss lady would never put me officially on the schedule, I always just had to ask her basically at the end of every shift when I was to work again. I was just settling in to that place where I was feeling comfortable with the work, and starting to feel like I could find my niche there.

I had a bug that I missed a day of work for, and was late twice because of, and one of these appointments being the reason I got fired, basically. I couldn’t remember whether I’d told them I’d be late that day or if I just thought of telling them and forgot. But they unceremoniously let me go less than two weeks before Christmas. They didn’t even let me finish that day’s work, and I only had like half an hour to go til the end of the day.

Still, from day one I should have known. One person was expected to do an assload of work with no help. I got bitched at several times.

It just pisses me off because I busted my ass at this job, knowing how important it was for me to keep. And they still let me go. Just kind of makes me feel hopeless, you know? It was probably hard enough to get jobs knowing I’d been fired from one job, now how will it look having been fired from two? It really kind of feels like my life is over. Nothing ever works out, no matter how well it seems to be going. I’m 30, and while I’m watching literally every other person I know my age or younger either being successful at their job (my sister), or getting married/buying a house/having a kid/etc, and what am I doing? Nothing.

I’m doing nothing with my life. I can barely keep up the bare minimum of taking care of myself and my cat, let alone do anything else. My apartment is a mess, I have a shitload of dishes to do, and most days I don’t even have the energy to shower. But the thing is, with the exception of the past week, I’ve been in a much better mood. Even now I’m sure this whole entry is being colored PMS red, since I’m just about done worrying about it for this month, as it were.

More and more I know I’m a burden on people and it would be much easier for everyone if I’d never even begun existing to start with. It’s honestly too late for me to do anything. I can’t really confide in anyone about it either, because they just give me advice that makes me feel even more guilty (even though the advice is probably benign and most likely decent advice).

I still can’t get away from this feeling that I’m never good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough, because it never is. I work my ass off at a job and thought I was doing pretty well, BAM, fired. This is going to be the rest of my life, isn’t it? Busting ass at a job only to be dumped out on my ass in less than 3 months. Constantly stressed about how the fuck I’m going to pay my bills or my rent (luckily I have housing assistance or I’d be well and truly fucked already).

And then I feel so guilty. Failure is a part of everyone’s life, but I can’t get away from feeling like every failure I have defines me as a person. There ya go, fucked up again, why even try because it always ends up this way type shit.

And then because I’ve made so many goddamn mistakes in my life, I feel that each mistake I make is progressively  more and more important to the point where it feels like every single bad thing that happens on earth is my fault. It feels like everything bad is my fault. And how the fuck can I work on myself in this state of mind?

My sister tries to give me advice and I appreciate it a lot, but I must be insane. I keep thinking I’m growing as a person but I keep fucking up and keep fucking up to the point where I just don’t tell people this shit anymore because staying silent about how truly negative and pessimistic I am about everything is easier than trying to have any hope at all.

Sorry, it’s just that whenever my life is going well, in any aspect, in any way at all, something takes a huge shit all over it. It’s like, what point is it to hope? Everything sucks and we’re going to die and pretty soon fascist cheeto hitler will be the “leader” of the free world.

I’m sure this is just the pms hormones talking because honestly before this week I was feeling okay about things. I’m just so tired of this shit. I thought I was doing okay at my job, so getting fired before christmas was pretty much just the cherry on top of the “go fuck yourself” cake, I guess.

I honestly only sat down to write this because I figured it would help me feel better.

Obviously with the holiday being so close, I’m not about to go out job hunting or to interviews or whatever. However, I’ve been checking indeed every day and favoriting jobs that I plan to apply to once the holiday is over. So that should be okay. I’m also planning to  hardcore tidy up my apartment. I’ve been letting it slide majorly, with exception to my living room.

I just don’t know why I still feel so fucking terrible about this whole job thing. It just feels like another link in the paper chain of letting everyone I know down. I was supposed to start paying my portion of the cell phone bill this month. I was starting to build up my savings, now that’s not gonna happen, and every last cent of what’s in there is going to have to pay my bills until I get a job.

And I’m worried. It took like, 2 months of me applying to like 3-5 places every day to get a job before. What if it takes that long this time? It just doesn’t feel fucking fair that even if someone is working on something diligently, it still takes ages to happen.

And then I feel guilty about not spending every waking moment worrying about this job thing, as if to underestimate the importance of it.

Honestly, every single day I feel guilt. I either feel guilty because I’m nothing but a fuck up who should have been aborted by her mother, or I feel overwhelming guilt about nothing in particular. Just guilt for existing. Because I know I basically ruined my parents’ lives. My mom was only, what, 21 or something when she had me. Poor college kids. Then they had a fucking kid to take care of. And then I proceeded to be a huge headache for them from kindergarten to the present fucking day. It honestly would be better if I just didn’t exist, but I’d never try or do anything to further that feeling along.

What good have I ever really done anyone? I’m just a problem they have to deal with. I always need need need from people, but what can I really offer back to anyone? I’m not a good friend, I’m not good at anything I can make money and support myself doing, so honestly what’s the point?

I’m sure this is all PMS talking. And that’s something else that pisses me off. When these spells end, and they always have, I’m like “the fuck emo shit was I on about?”. But during these spells? During them, they’ll never end and this is how I’m going to feel until I die. Even though I can remember all the other times the spells ended.

Anyway. Honestly the reason I wanted to write this is so I’d feel better. I’ll apply to jobs hardcore after the holiday is over, I’ll tidy up my place little by little, so there’s really no reason for me to fuck up the season worrying about it. My sister gets on the plane back to her home in DC on the 1st of January, I need to enjoy what’s happening now instead of ruining the holiday by worrying that I’ll ruin the holiday.