Eh, whatever.

It’s finally starting to be really nice weather. I mean, I say that as showers/a thunderstorm/whatever are predicted for this afternoon. LOL. It’s nice to finally be able to hang out outdoors, but the normal little park I like to go to to draw and whatever, the picnic table they usually put out isn’t there yet, and there’s zero shade and I know all of that sounds like first world problems but I’d prefer not to sit in the blazing sun for several hours. I mean, there’s places I could drive, but part of the point of trying to be outside more is like, trying to walk more. And I’m still poor so I’d prefer not to waste gas if I don’t have to.

I’m a little frustrated about the job situation. LOL this is news, right? Whatever. I just mean, I touched on it briefly in therapy yesterday, but the essence of the problem is, I use a popular job searching website to look for jobs. Considering that I essentially live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, there’s usually little available within a 15-20 mile radius (20 miles= a 30 min. drive) of me. At one point, right before I moved here, I was commuting 45 minutes one way to get to a part time retail job that paid minimum wage. At one point last summer, I was job searching in a big city (to me, I live in rural Iowa, all right) that is a 45+ minute drive (depending on interstate traffic) just to get into the city, and then fuckall whatever to get wherever you’re actually going, and I went to several interviews, intending to move there if I got hired somewhere, but none of that actually panned out. And I eventually stopped trying to get interviews so far out because I didn’t want to waste the gas.

That’s sort of the same boat I’m in now. I don’t search more than 20-30 minutes out because that’s a lot of fucking gas to waste on going to an interview for a job I more than likely will not get.

It’s just like, with every rejection email I get, or ever application I put in that doesn’t get answered, it just solidifies this belief I have about myself that I’m unemployable. I mean, I spent 3 years at a k fart store as a cashier, I cleaned hotel rooms for several months total, I’ve spent several years total as a dishwasher at a bar/restaurant… the only legal thing on my record is one, single uneventful DUI that was literally 9 years ago (I mean uneventful as in I wasn’t speeding like a madwoman, I didn’t crash into anything or anybody, etc), but that’s why I don’t apply for jobs that require a clean driving record, so I don’t see how that would be an issue.

The point I was trying to make about therapy yesterday was that there are so few jobs listed around me. Of those, there are even fewer I would actually be able to do. Just saying that makes me feel uncomfortable, because there was a time when I was a bit younger, still living at home, that I would just flat out not bother applying for jobs at all because I either didn’t have my license back yet, or I knew I couldn’t do them.

I used to get asked by my folks if it was “you can’t, or you won’t”, and now it seems I’m unable to distinguish the difference. I have pretty severe anxiety, and almost as severe depression, there are things I straight up cannot handle. My short term memory sucks (it sucked before, and long periods of severe anxiety/disordered sleep can make it worse), and I have so much buzzing around in my head all the time, places like fast food are out of the question. I can’t remember a million slightly different food combinations and have to crank the whole thing out in less than 5-10 minutes.

Plus, when I was a hotel housekeeper back in 2007, I basically got back strain, and I simply cannot be on my feet for hours and hours at a time without the chance to sit down. You can say it’s because I’m fat, and true, it’d be a little easier if I lost some weight, but I’d still fucking have back strain and a shitty knee if I lost 100 pounds (and I’m pretty sure I have a pinched nerve in my left shoulder somewhere that rarely acts up but when it does it literally hurts so bad it keeps me from sleeping). I can’t bend over at an awkward angle over a low counter for hours at a time without being able to sit down because of said back injury. It also affects my ability to lift shitloads of weight continuously. I mean, an occasional large load to lift, sure, whatever, but I can’t keep it up. So that pretty much also nixes factory work. Not to mention the severe anxiety episodes I have when surrounded by warehouses full of loudass, dangerous running equipment.

My therapist mentioned performance anxiety, which would be pretty damn accurate. But I went off on a tangent again. Let’s try this again.

The point I was trying to make about therapy yesterday was that there are so few jobs listed around me. Of those, there are even fewer I would actually be able to do. So I feel pressured to apply to jobs I qualify for but don’t want and would not really be able to do well. And then I’ll get left answering machine messages for interviews, and I’ll panic and delete the message without contacting them, because holy shit I didn’t want that job anyway because I can’t do it, what if they hire me….

And I feel shitty because I still hear what my folks would tell me when I was a shitty younger person and wouldn’t bother trying to apply. Therapist said we should address that next time (because this was towards the end of the session). I feel so guilty every time this happens (granted, it’s not many times, but I’ve done it more than once). It doesn’t address the fact that I feel insanely guilty if I haven’t done something useful or productive, and putting in apps makes me feel productive, even if it’s a job that wouldn’t be a good fit. Even as I type that I can hear my dad in my head bitching about how I really need ‘a god damn job’ (for years, dad would say it exactly like that. It was never just ‘you need a job’ it was “you really need to find a god damn job” or whatever.) and that I really can’t afford to be picky.

In a way, he’s right. I can’t afford to pick and choose the ideal job I want. But I also know that I’m not normal (inb4 LOL WERE U EVER), and being neurodivergent means there are some things I simply cannot do like ‘normal’ people can. True, sometimes I assume I can’t do things and then, TA DA, I CAN, but I’m not talking about those times. There are some things I will likely never do as well as others.

IDK. I’m trying to have a good day and not waste the good weather (like I feel like I’ve done so many other summers), but this is just sort of an undercurrent eating away at any good moods I have, and keeping me from doing a lot of things.

Anyway. I’m going to go maybe read outside or some shit, idk

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