Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining, like a star that can’t wait for the night. I hate to think I’ve been blinded baby, why can’t I see you tonight? And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin’, and the thrill of your touch gives me fright, And I’m shaking so much, really yearning, Why don’t you show up, make it all right? Yeah, it’s all right…

-Fool in the Rain, by Led Zeppelin.

[This entry is a bit long, although if you read my blog you’re used to that by now]. ;D

Well, kiddos, contrary to the incessant, useless rambling that usually falls out of my fingertips onto the computer screen, today I’ve got a few interesting stories to tell. Before we get to that, though, I’m going to explain the last entry’s song lyrics (from ‘Revolution’, by the Beatles’. I used those because of all the political crap going on right now, commercials, news, etc).

Now back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

I had said last entry that I didn’t want to work on Friday because I’d have to work with this hyperactive, annoying little 14 year old who does little else but babble incessantly about how he has a car, how he got in a moped accident, feeds this BS about how his friends are potheads, blah blah fucking blah, don’t really care. Thank you, end of story, good night. To make a long story short, he wasn’t there. So, in order to keep from drowning myself in dishwater, I had to have help from someone I like about as much as I like the idea of getting a fatal disease; this cook named Adam. He’s a shorter guy, he says he’s black, and I’m not saying one has to have really dark skin to be black, but his skin isn’t that dark, but I honestly don’t care one way or the other.

Anyway. With the exception of the 14 year old I work with, Adam is the most irritating assault on my ears, and it doesn’t help that he listens to rap, and is a biggot, using racial slurs and what not. He honestly will not shut up. Now, I like to talk, but goddammit, he is just on a whole nother level. You  just have to stand in awe of his ability to speak continuously for like three hours, barely stopping to breathe.

In spite of all this, sometimes I’m still not sure whether to tolerate him, or completely loathe him. Because on one hand, he’ll be saying stupid shit, things to me like “How do you like them apples, taste sour don’t they”, to saying stupid things about music. He was talking about the Beastie Boys, and in addition to not considering them classic rock, I don’t really consider them music at all. They’re not music to me; they’re not my thing. But he went “I suppose you’re a Beatles fan”.

Now I don’t think the Beatles can never do any wrong, but I have a hard time trusting someone else’s idea of music if they listen to rap, and don’t at least like the Beatles a little bit. Okay, that’s a lie, it’s actually just him liking rap that makes me distrust his musical taste. I don’t give two shits if he doesn’t like the Beatles; lots of people don’t. 🙂

Anyway. Back to me not being able to decide whether I hate him. We did talk about South Park, so at least he has some decent taste in cartoons. But honestly. I can’t stand people using racial slurs, and just being all around retarded. He’s one of those people you can’t have a real discussion with, yet he runs his mouth constantly. He’s got diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, in other words.

So, I’ve started to stay after work sometimes to have a drink with a few co-workers, and I did so on Friday. I played a few songs on the internet jukebox, pretty much just sat around and talked with people. And that was fun.

Saturday was a fun day, all around. Let me get started. ;D

So, my mother, brother and I pretty much spent the entire day shopping. I didn’t buy much; I got a new tee shirt, with a guitar/wings/ paint looking splatter design for really cheap, like eight bucks (it was originally 20, but it was like 60 percent off), a soda, a new cheap bottle of royal blue nail polish, and an 80’s metal cd compellation that comes with 12 issues of Rolling Stone, I just need to send in the card to tell them where to send it).  It was fun going around to different stores, though, even though I was complaining about the radio station in the car (106.1; fucking sucks now.) Anyway. We split a couple sandwiches at the Target cafeteria thing for lunch, at like 3pm.

We got home with a couple hours for me to chill before work, which I was glad for.

Now to the interesting part; work.

The annoying 14 year old was back, apparently he was sick on Friday. I felt kind of good though because a couple of the cooks were telling him I saved his ass ‘yesterday’, etc. Sometimes I hate work, but I feel like I’m finally starting to fit in just a little, although there are a couple of servers and such that still talk to me like I’m retarded, hopefully that goes away. It did at PM Park, it should here.

Anyway. The radio was on the normal rock station which I’m not a huge fan of, but I left it on there. I don’t have supreme reign over the radio or anything. I just don’t usually keep it on there because it doesn’t come in all that well in the kitchen. If you stand in a certain place in front of it, you block the reception completely. Moving on. ;D So, working with the annoying 14 year old is a trip. He talks a lot, although not as much as Adam, but the most annoying, nerve stomping thing about him is that he half asses washing dishes. He’ll be okay for an hour or two, but then it seems like he hurries through them, and I end up having to bring dishes back, etc, and it gets on my nerves.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET OUT SOONER IF YOU HURRY THROUGH THE FUCKING DISHES, I HOPE YOU KNOW.

We’ll just be there longer to redo the ones you didn’t get right the fucking FIRST time. I don’t want to have to wash literally the entire time I’m at work, though; getting to put away dishes or unload bus tubs is a little bit of a break which I need sometimes. Anyway.

Not that it matters, but I changed the radio to the classic rock station after the other station started barely coming in, and they played some sweet stuff. Like Queen. When the 14 year old (I keep saying that because he’s young enough to where I’d rather not name him here for safety reasons) and I were cleaning up for the night, the radio played Another One Bites the Dust, and I’m actually quite sure that Queen is the only decent band this kid knows about.

Anyway. I had been planning all along to stay after work to have a few drinks with co-workers but when I got off work, the only person there was the cook I have a crush on, which.. yeah. I ended up loading the jukebox with like ten bucks, and putting five or ten into the little video game machine they have at the bar. I ended up playing Luxor (a Zuma type game), a match three type game, and a collapse type game, only you don’t continually get another row coming on the field, but I did that for at least a couple hours, didn’t drink at all.

So, I’m minding my own business playing Luxor I believe, and..

I got bought a drink. Mitch (yes, you all know his name now) bought me a drink. I wasn’t the only person he bought drinks (I overheard the bartender giving a drink to a co worker saying it was from Mitch), but it was still really flattering.

So, after my video game credits were over, I noticed a couple of co workers, so I went over to sit with them. We had a few shots (Carmel apple: apple pucker and butter shot. It was so good, I could have had a whole glass full.)

And um. I can’t remember if Mitch bought me two more shots or three. Can’t remember what they were, but either he has good taste in shots or he knows what shots girls like. xD

I don’t know who bought the shot of tequila, but I thought fire was going to come out of my nose. I only bought one drink, a carmel apple shot (another one lol). Some guy I didn’t know bought me a beer. xD

Moving on.

O.M.G. I thought I was weird, but Mitch, his oddity levels are literally off the chart. Can’t test them. They break the testing equipment. Which of course every time he’d sing loudly and drunkenly, or say/do something funny I of course had to giggle stupidly and hope everyone thought I was blushing because I’d been drinking. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be bold enough to say anything. I don’t think I’d be his type but what do I know about guys? xP

DAMMIT. If he didn’t have such a cute smile it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

But honestly, just being bought a few drinks made all those days I hated work more than well worth it. I wanted to jump around and dance for joy. I mean, it’s just being bought a few drinks, but that was such a freaking mood booster. I can’t wait to stay after again. I couldn’t have imagined I’d want to stay after work to hang with co-workers, because with every other job I’ve had, I couldn’t stand most of my co-workers, and I couldn’t wait to go home, but with this job, I actually like my co-workers (most of them anyway). It’s weird.

But yeah. So, after the bar closed, I went with some people to a co-workers house to just chill out. A few of them were playing poker with quarters and 1 dollar bills, and they got into a big argument because some guy thought he’d been accused of stealing a quarter. It was honestly this big, at least half hour long argument, over a fucking quarter.

Well. I didn’t play or anything, I pretty much just sat on the sidelines. I was drawing on my shoes with sharpie, I even ended up painting part of them with blue and black nail polish. I painted my nails with my new blue nail polish, and for being a little drunk I actually did a damn good job. You can’t even tell I was drunk when I painted them. 😉

I ended up leaving at about 2 something am, closer to three. I was only there that long because I wanted to make DAMN sure I was able to drive before I went home.

I only got like five hours of sleep but it felt like a complete night’s worth.

This morning already, we discovered something interesting. Someone stole dad’s skill saw from the garage. Don’t know who, don’t know why, but they did it.

Which that has spurned us on a whole ‘We have to lock everything when we leave, even if it’s just the grocery store’ thing.

Which, honestly. WHO fucking steals? It’s STUPID. It makes me really mad. Although, I was glad it wasn’t something else. I told the parents, well it could always be worse. At least they didn’t try to break in the house, or steal a car or something.

Still. It’s not like I was paranoid enough already, now I’m going to be afraid to stay up after my parents go to bed. I’ll still do it though, I’m not letting something like petty theft keep me from doing what I want. I just won’t go outside. Which, I don’t usually go out after dark anyway.

Although, this has made me kinda want to carry around a pocket knife or pepper spray or something.

The theft has made me sure of one thing; I’m going to start carrying around my cell phone literally everywhere I go. Sometimes I leave it at home because I barely ever use it when I’m out anyway, but now it’s going with me everywhere.

Anyway. The interesting stories I have have now been told, sadly. I hope you’ll excuse my incoherant rambling, that was unintentional; it’s not my fault I tend to be ADHD on the internet. 😉

Anyhoo. I’m off to listen to The Doors on youtube and consider getting dressed to talk a walk, and some pictures (I haven’t in ages, and for SOME REASON *ahem* I am feeling a bit inspired. Yes I am that pathetic. 😉

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You say you got a real solution, well, you know we’d all love to see the plan. You ask me for a contribution, well, you know, we’re doing what we can…

-Revolution, by the Beatles.

Whoops. I unintentionally used Beatles songs two entries in a row. I’m not going through a Beatles phase, that’s a coincidence. 😉

Anyway, I thought since it’s been a little bit that I should give you all an update. Not that you care, but I’m bored and need to wind down after work.

As usual, not a whole lot goes on on days where I don’t have to work. I’ve recently gotten on a bit of a Sims 2: Pets kick again. Not that you care, but all the members of Queen have sim counterparts and I’m trying to age them all to Elder. So far I’ve got Freddie and Brian to elder (and some of their kids that live on a different lot to Adult), I still need to age Roger and John, and my sim John has like six kids so that’ll be fun)… If I recolored the hair I’ve got on Brian I could make a Roger Daltrey sim.. xD I haven’t made any Who sims with the exception of Keith. xD
I believe I also have Joe and Viv from Def Leppard, but I’m not sure how I’ll make Rick because there is no known mesh or anything that can make sims magically not have a limb. I’d settle for an outfit that masked an arm (I have a mermaid tail that hides the feet so maybe the same sort of effect could be utilized for other body parts). 

Anyway, my fanatic Sims 2:Pets rambling aside. Tuesday at work was surprisingly busy, considering it was only Tuesday. One of the servers was bored so she helped me get caught up. Not that I thought I was all that behind, but hey, I wasn’t going to complain about getting extra help. I did tell her I owed her one, though. Anyhoo. On Wednesday I did a tiny bit of shopping. I got a sketch book, except for wet media like paint, a pack of these cheap assorted paint brushes, and some turquoise ribbon from Hobby Lobby. Now, I’m going to be really pissed if Jarrod doesn’t come up with a time and place for the Halloween party because my costume is going to be epic [I got the turquoise ribbon to braid into my hair]. If none of my friends are having a Halloween party, I’ll just spend Halloween at the Colony Inn, after I work. Anyhoo. I also went to Target, where I got some new socks (as I badly needed some), and something else that I don’t remember what it was. xP Lastly I went to Wal-Mart where I got an under the bed rubbermaid type container to store some of my stemware glasses in, and I got another box of magenta hair dye. I’m planning an epic hair do, dunno when I’ll get to do it though. See, what I’m doing it, I’ll keep my bangs blonde, dye the rest of my hair burgandy, but the magenta’s going to be on the underside at the bottom of my hair. Like those blonde girls that have black hair underneath. Sorta like that, only with magenta, and since my magenta dye shows up pretty well on dark hair I won’t have to dye the underside of my hair blonde. The color might not be quite as vibrant as when I dye my blonde bangs, but I’m not exactly going for electric pink this time either. xD

Today was a bit strange. My dad requested that I not get on the old computer (the one with Sims2:Pets) in case he wanted to check his email, but he ended up sleeping for hours, when I could have been on. xD Oh well. In other news, my mother has been completely bitchy this week. I thought she’d had her time of the month this month already but apparently not. On Monday, I believe it was, she and my dad got into a huge arguement at like 6:30 am. If I hadn’t already been awake from my mother yelling up the stairs for my brother to get up, the argument would have been my alarm clock. I believe the parents were shouting at each other on Tuesday morning, as well. I believe that’s what woke me that day. And I haven’t been sleeping all that well anyway. And today, I packaged the recyclables like mom asked, but I accidentally left the roll of recyclable bags on the porch, and when mother got home she launched into, Why did I do everything half assed, why couldn’t I just do a good job, blah blah blah. I probably forgot the bags on the porch because I had dishes soaking and didn’t want to forget they were there, so I went to finish the dishes straight after I was done with the recyclables. It’s not that I half assed it.

It’s little things like that that piss me off about my mother, and this week she’s always had to have something to bitch about. I mean, I get moody on my period but I don’t think I’m consistantly that grumpy all the time. I don’t know what her problem is, but it’s starting to make me crazy, and it’s starting to get on Dad’s nerves, which are short enough as it is. I don’t think a day has gone by this week that they haven’t yelled at each other, and several times my mom has said something like I should just move out, which I don’t think she will, but if she’s going to keep being this bitchy, I don’t know….

It seems nothing’s ever good enough for my mother. She asks me to clean the bathroom, so I clean it, only to hear how I didn’t do it right, ‘that’s not what you do’. Well, I’ve cleaned the bathroom several times, and I hear the same thing, and also mentioned maybe mother should tell me how she wants it done, only to have her say “I should just know how” which is also like telling a kid with autism that they “should just act normal, they should just know how”. Mother’s got an excuse for that too. ‘Well those people have mental disorders’. Does she think I’m %100 sane? I certainly hope not, because I know I’ve got issues, and with all these years of me being really forgetful, I don’t see why it’s a surprise. And honestly, I don’t try to forget things and get yelled at. But yeah. Mom’s just pissing me off this week. And she’s been really mood swingy.

Now I know during that time of the month you get mood swings, but is it normal to be shouting mad at someone, and not thirty seconds later, be joking and laughing about something? My house is going insane. I don’t know.

Anyway. Tonight at work was decent as days go, although it was yet another day that I failed to sound intelligent to the guy I’ve got a crush on. The part of my brain controlling my mouth seems to malfunction when I’m around him.

Although we did briefly talk about music. Pour Some Sugar On Me was on the radio and he said something about “he’s not sure how he’d feel about a guy saying he was sticky and sweet”, which of course I laughed like a hyena at, even though it wasn’t that hilarious. And some fucking song by the Beastie Boys came on, and he’s like, ‘since when were the Beastie Boys fucking classic rock?’.. Stuff like that.

If it weren’t for the radio we probably wouldn’t talk at all. xD

Anyway. I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow night, as it’s Friday and that means that teenage hyperactive annoyance will be working with me. I didn’t turn on the radio at all last Friday or Saturday because I didn’t want to get into the radio knob wars with him, but I’m turning the radio on tomorrow and if he tries to bitch I’ll set him straight. I’ve got seniority over him. Dunno if I’ve worked there longer, but I’m older and I’ve washed dishes at four different restaurants. Those and the fact that he’s fourteen goddam years old obviously gives me the seniority.

I don’t want it to sound like I’ve got supreme reign of the radio, I just put it on the classic rock station and nobody’s told me they want it changed so I just keep on keeping on.

Well, I don’t really have much else to say. I’ll probably run off to myspace to fill out a survey or two, then I’ll go to bed. If work turns out to be amazing and interesting I’ll write tomorrow but more than likely it’ll be late Saturday night before you hear from me again, at the earliest.

Peace out.

I’ve just seen a face I can’t forget

-I’ve Just Seen a Face, by the Beatles. (The version I’ve got is from the Across the Universe soundtrack).

I lied in my last entry. I mentioned Dad getting laid off but that won’t happen until the third week in November.

Anyway.

Today (yesterday) was a decent day. I pretty much spent the entire day listening to Boston and Journey, drawing, and having wine coolers. I was thinking, This would be the perfect day if I didn’t have to work, but with my habit of both dreading and looking forward to work, I couldn’t really say that.

I honestly had like, four wine coolers and a beer. I started at like 9am. I watched a bit of tv, but I didn’t do much else the entire day. Well. I did a bit of shopping. Went to Sally’s Beauty Supply, didn’t find what I wanted. Browsed Hobby Lobby and Hy-Vee, because they were in the same area. Ended up getting 2 six packs of wine coolers. There was a sale, and I had to make up a couple of my parents’ wine coolers that I’d had. After that, I went to Goodwill, where I found a couple records, (one by ELO, and one by Simon and Garfunkel), and a couple stemware glasses. Then I went to Wal-Mart, where I got UV Cherry, some more ranch salad dressing, and some pringles chips. I meant to look for under the bed rubbermaid containers but I forgot.

After that I went home, and both dreaded/looked forward to work.

My brother had stayed overnight with a friend, he wasn’t home until like, four. We ate dinner, then I pretty much had to be at work.

It was both awesome, and torture. Torture because of the hyperactive little 14 year old twit I work with, and awesome/torture because of this guy I’ve got a crush on. He has these amazing eyes, and his smile just lights up a whole room. I just wish I’d had the guts to talk to him.
Well, okay. I hadn’t been at work too long, but I was putting something away in the back room, and he was back there, and I said like “Sorry, I’m in your way again” and he said “That’s okay, I’ll share” or something like that. Now, I wasn’t sure how to interpret that, in a “it’s okay you’re not in my way” or “It’s okay, be in my way” sort of way. Men are so confusing.

But honestly. Sure. Some of my crushes may have ended up being worse but I can’t remember them ever being this bad this fast.

My brother says from what he’s heard the cook might like me, and I wish that was the case, but I don’t know. I wish I worked tomorrow so I could ask him out. I don’t think he’s already taken, but… Shit. He’s driving me nuts. He’s just.. I don’t know. He’s got these amazing eyes.. And his cute brown hair.. and just.. I don’t know. He’s just amazing, and I can’t explain it.

Anyway. I stayed after work a tiny bit, I had a drink with a few of my co-workers. I played a few songs on the internet jukebox (Immagrant Song and another song by Led Zeppelin, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting by Elton John, Who Are You by The Who, Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas, etc) Then I left and watched Across the Universe with my brother. He went to bed after it was over but I’m still up, as I don’t often get the chance to stay up until all hours, and I’m taking advantage. Still. I might not get to bed until five or six am, and I’ll still be up by like ten.

Well, I’m off to play guitar for a tiny bit, I’ll be back later.

Nothing ventured nothing gained, no more lingering doubt remained. Nothing sacred or profane, everything to gain, ’cause there’s nothing left…

-Nothing Left to Lose, by the Alan Parsons Project.

Sorry I’m using that song again. ^^;

Anyway.

Last entry left me talking about Christmas presents, phone minutes, and this cook at work who I’ve got a mad crush on. 

Today started out rather boring, actually. Most of my day that wasn’t spent doing the around the house things I was asked to do, I was watching the travel channel, because they had a bunch of these “Haunted Hotels” and “Most Haunted Places” type shows on. What can I say, I’m in a halloween mood. That was pretty much all I did. Amazingly, I didn’t even get on the computer until after 3pm, which I’m proud of myself for.

Anyhoo. Work.

Today, while the work part was completely boring and not busy at all, I actually talked to this cook that I’ve got a mad crush on who I will still not name. He asked if I liked Led Zeppelin, to which I replied of course (At that I thought about digging out my Led Zeppelin tee shirt to wear to work tomorrow). Then he asked if I liked the Doors, and while I haven’t heard much by them, I do like what I’ve heard (Coincidentally, he asked about two bands who I have tee shirts of). The classic rock radio station played a song by who I’m assuming was INXS, because he went “Did you know this guy died jacking off?” and I did. And while it is sad when someone dies, we were going “How’d you like to be the police man who had to tell his family that?” It was one of those things I’m going to go to Hell for laughing at, but oh well. He also asked if I went to any concerts, and it just so happened that I wore the Styx shirt I got at the concert, and he said something about how, screaming was what you were supposed to do at a rock concert.
There were also a couple other little exchanges like that, but oh my god. I have faith left in the world now. xD And the only thing different about me today was that I wore brownish eyeshadow, and my gold sparkle clear liquid eyeshadow stuff. Well, and I had my hair braided in a side ponytail. But seriously you guys. That made my freaking day.

Sometimes he stays after he’s clocked out to have a drink, and he was at the bar having a drink of course,  and when he turned around and I smiled at him I felt like all my feelings were written on my face in neon permanent marker and like I had a big blinking neon sign above my head. I hope I didn’t look too pathetic. xD

That was really all that happened, but I wanted to write a blog about it. xD

In other news.  We found out a couple days ago, but I forgot to mention it till now. Dad is getting laid off from his job. He’s one of Winnebago’s best welders, and has done a shit ton more work than is required of him and they’re still laying him off. It’s this shitty economy, Winnebago has been doing badly for a while now. Still. I don’t see this as bad news, because dad honestly hated that job with a passion. Anyway. He will work there until November 1st, his birthday. What asses.  Still. Like I said, not exactly bad news though. Sure he’ll have to find another job but let’s face it, I’ve thought he needed a new job for a long time. He has a lot of neck and back problems, bulging disks and whatnot, he’s got a knee that’s got problems, etc… and he still busts his ass at work. He’s not getting any younger, either. He actually went to college for psychology so hopefully he finds something in that area.

My parents’ like, 23rd wedding anniversary is close. I can’t remember exactly what day it’s on, but they’re going on a trip this weekend, I’m guessing they’ll be back some time late Saturday night, but they may stay longer, who knows. This leaves my brother and I the house. I think I’m going to get a bottle of vodka tomorrow, and have a drink or three on Friday night, and Saturday night. Saturday night after I get off work, my bro and I are going to watch Across the Universe. I’ve always wanted to watch that movie when I’ve been drinking, it’s probably really trippy (trippier than normal, anyway).

Vanessa’s hours at work have been cut a bit, so she’s only calling me every other day. While I do miss our like, three hour long chats, this will cut a few hours from the phone bill. I discussed the hours with dad the other day, and he was all, we have a 1200 minute plan, we never even come close to using like, 300, 600 minutes, one of those two. I had to tell him that, he’s used to me practically never ever using the phone, he’s just getting a little paranoid now that I actually USE the phone. I don’t think we’re going to go over, I think we’ll just use up more of our minutes. If we go over, I don’t think it’ll be by much. He asked me how I felt about getting my own phone, plan and everything. But that could cost me 50 bucks a month.

Um, I can’t afford that. I have 50 bucks a month for my student loan payment, a 300 dollar Radiologists of North Iowa bill I have to figure out how I’m going to pay, and gas in my car.

I’ve been putting it off but I really need to start looking for another job, one where I could work days, or Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, seeing as I have Tues., Thurs., Fri., and Sat. at the Colony Inn. I think I’ll spend tomorrow applying at places online. And actually DO it tomorrow, instead of mentioning it here and then not doing it. I need to start making enough money to be able to SAVE some, so I’ll actually be able to move out before I’m like 30.

Anyway, I’m off to do a myspace survey or two then go to bed. TTYL.

Now I’m not like this, I’m really kind of shy/But I get this feeling whenever you walk by/I don’t wanna down you, I wanna make you high/If you you could see your way to me, come on and let me try…

-“Let Me Take You Home Tonight”, by Boston.

Well, today was a bit weird.

I cashed my 20 dollar birthday check from my aunt and uncle, and my car desperately needed gas, so today I did a tiny bit of shopping. Gas was down to $2.88 a gallon, which is amazing, but thirty bucks still only got me half a tank of gas [it’s sad when gas is 2.88 a gallon and we say “OMG, That’s so low!”] when gas was only little over a dollar a gallon in 2001. I digress.

I went to Wal-Mart to cash in some cans and bottles, and to look around for a birthday/Christmas present for Vanessa, and to see if there was anything I wanted to get myself with my birthday money. I ended up getting Vanessa a gift, getting myself some gold glitter eyeshadow stuff, and I believe that was it. I then went to Best Buy where I contemplated getting an mp3 player, but I didn’t have enough. And even then, I’d have had to pay 45 bucks for a 2 gig mp3 player, and another 20 for an AC charger, and I think that’s outrageous. I’ll put it on my Christmas list. No guarantees as to getting it, but it’s not really something I can afford with my own money right now. I ended up using my 20 dollars of birthday money getting the movie “21”. Then, I went to a second hand store in my town, to see if I could use up one of my 5 dollar gift certificates there, but I couldn’t. You have to spend five bucks at a time, they don’t give change, and I only had a dollar and a quarter’s worth of stuff. I bought three stemware glasses, a coffee mug for dad, and a record [a movie soundtrack to a movie I’d never heard of; it had a song I knew, and a song by Robert Plant on it] and I don’t have any qualms about paying a quarter for an album I only know one song on.

Anyway, I talked to Vanessa on the phone for a couple hours, but I pretty much avoided getting yelled at by my father. He’s paranoid I’ll go over our minutes, but I don’t think I will. And even if I do, it won’t be by that much, and I’ve already told him many times I would rightfully pay my portion, should I cause us to go over our minutes, so I’m not sure what his problem is. Anyway, I really miss being able to hang out with Vanessa, it really sucks living a couple hours apart, because it’s not like I can just up and ask her to hang out at the drop of a hat. It takes a lot of planning. And a fair bit of money.

Anyway, once again, I was dreading work. Friday [and Saturday] nights are pretty much when everybody and their dog goes to the bar, so I was worried about it being really busy, which, for a Friday night, it wasn’t all that horrible at first. The kid I mentioned in a previous entry was there, and he was, overall, a lot better behaved than last time. Except. He forgot to take his ADHD medications, or so he said. He honestly would not shut up. And, you know when I think someone is talking too much, it’s bad, because I never shut up either, but he honestly would not shut his mouth for two seconds.

And, he thought I was like 18; he couldn’t believe I’m actually 22. He made me feel really immature, and I’m bad enough with that on my own.  I don’t need his help.

And, okay. I have a huge crush on one of the cooks. Tall, kinda skinny guy. Brown hair. Amazing eyes. But as I’ve said before, it seems like he flirts with every female that works there except for me [or my married boss, lol]. I had an extremely hard time trying to stop myself from stealing glances at him, I hope to god he didn’t notice… It’s just like.. .why is it always me? I’m the one who’s got dirty dishwater all down their front, I’m the one with the slightly messy hair, I’m the one who doesn’t get to dress nice and who doesn’t wear makeup to work, like the servers and stuff do. Which, they have to look decent, they’re going to be seen by the public. But it still just makes me wish I could wear nice clothes to work, wear some makeup, have my hair down… Even then, I’d feel like crap and not be able to talk to him (at least, not without feeling retarded afterwards), but at least it wouldn’t be quite as bad.

I just wish I could ask someone else if he was seeing someone and what sort of stuff he liked, but that’s so middle school; no guy is going to take me seriously if I can’t even work up the courage to talk to him. And it’ll never happen; I mean, my vocal cords mysteriously don’t work when I try to talk to him, and my brain takes a very inconvenient vacation. And the fact that all the servers are very pretty girls makes me feel even more crappy about myself; the pretty girls versus me. He’s not going to notice me if there are pretty girls wearing decent clothes, it’s rather like they’re neon signs, and I’m just a boring old handpainted sign. I mean, what’s he going to notice more?

And I haven’t been there as long as any of the other girls. Goddammit. I wish I could make myself not have a monster crush on him. I wish I could, as corny and stupid as this sounds it’s pretty much tearing me up, work was so much easier when I was just intimidated by him, versus now where I’m intimidated, and I have that kind of stupidity about me that only a huge crush brings about.

I wish I didn’t feel weird around him. That’s the problem with guys; I’m not myself around them. I’m not comfortable, I say things I wouldn’t normally say, act a way I wouldn’t normally act, and all because my brain has gone into crush mode and I really like them. I wish I could just go to work drunk, just once, because then I’d be able to say exactly what I wanted to and not be embarassed by it. I would be the next day, probably, but… I wouldn’t care. If I didn’t have to worry about driving home, if he was staying after to have a few beers at the bar, I could stay after as well, and just talk to him.

But as it is I feel like the people there, especially at the bar (both in front of and behind it) just stare at me, it’s like their eyes pierce right through me, they make me very uncomfortable; I feel like they’re looking at me as if I don’t belong there, as if I’m a weed they wish would prune itself or something. I don’t know. I’m going crazy.

Even though I’m telling myself this will probably not happen and not to get my hopes up, I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s a curse, and at the same time, I both love it and hate it. Love it because just thinking about him makes me feel amazing, but I hate it because my social inhibitions prevent me from talking to him in any way. I wish I had the money for counseling, but I can’t justify getting it, because I can talk to people about this shit for free, and I can’t get financial aid until I move out of the house; they’re not as lenient as the folks who controlled my $1000+ medical bill and got me completely relieved of payment. In fact, I believe we still owe the mental health center for when I used to go there a couple years ago.

Well, something good can come of this work day; I was there for approximately four and a half hours. Better than three. I’m actually kind of glad the kitchen stays open until 10 on Friday and Saturday nights. It might mean more work, but it also means more money, and more money is never a bad thing.

Shit. It’s almost Saturday.

I should probably try to get some sleep, although I think I’ll be awake for a while, considering the bus of my mind seems to be stuck at a particular stop and it is resisting every attempt to get it functioning again.

All of my life I’ve tried so hard doing my best with what I had. Nothing much happened all the same. Something about me stood apart, a whisper of hope that seemed to fail. Maybe I’m born right out of my time, breaking my life in two…

…Only for you I don’t regret that I was Thursday’s Child.

-“Thursday’s Child”, by David Bowie.

Well, cats and kittens, it’s my 22nd birthday today, so you’d think I’d be so happy I’d want to crap rainbows.

I can’t say I am too thrilled though. Not about it being my birthday, but because that time of the month is just about getting over, so I’ve been riding on my own personal emotional roller coaster, and it’s been stalling at depressed and negative a lot more than it usually does.

This morning began famously, with my mother awakening me from a nice [but completely innocent] dream involving Def Leppard’s drummer, Rick Allen. Granted, she woke me up screaming “Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday”, so I couldn’t be all mad at her. We celebrated my birthday yesterday, but they saved one present to give me today, which was a bag that’s halfway between purse and messenger bag. I wanted to use it but I’m going to wait till my current purse completely spontaneously combusts before I use the new one.

So anyway, even though it was my birthday, and my dad [who’s off from work this week] did not ask me to do any chores, I was still depressed. I’ve been depressed and negative a lot lately, and that is not a good combination.

I wrote a bunch of crap in a notepad document to get it out of my system but I’d like to talk a bit more about some of it before I continue my explanation of today. Yes, this is going to be a bit of depressed ranting, but everybody needs to do it once in a while.

First off, if you’re good at artsy fartsy type things [and feel they are some of the only things you do well], do you ever wish you were good at something that was actually of some use to someone? Like, something you could actually do to earn money? If I could fix cars or computers, and loved doing it, I wouldn’t have to toil for hours and hours and hours, and make so much art that it began to impact me in a negative way, just to be able to barely scrape out a starving artists’ living.
 
Now, I love my art; aside from music, it’s what I live for, but with my art/music abilities, people can do without them. People can’t live without food, water, shelter, transportation, etc, but they can live without art, and they can (although I can’t imagine how) live without music. So basically, I feel like I’m good at nothing anybody really needs. Can I feel like I have any worth if my talents are things people could do without?

That could be a double edged sword, though. If I was only good at services, things people actually needed, they wouldn’t want me because they just wanted me, they’d want me only for the services I’d provide. So it’s a bit like the old “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” adage.

Also, lately, I’ve been feeling really alienated, left out, like an extra people don’t really need. I kind of feel like people think I’m retarded. It just feels like, lately, when I go to work, everybody looks at, talks to, and generally acts as if they think I’m stupid or retarded. My brother tells me it’s in my head and that I’m just paranoid but I don’t know how to believe him, since this shit feels so real to me.

It feels like, as soon as I leave the room, coworkers will babble about how annoying I am, how gross I am, how they wish they didn’t have to work with me, and how dorky I am, how they wish I was normal, and laugh and make fun of me behind my back.  Which kind of brings me to my next topic; guys. I witness so much of this, I only want a slim, platinum blonde trophy wife/girlfriend, the easy one. It’s like they don’t want to work for a relationship, they just want a quick fuck or something. Or it’ll be too much work to start a relationship; so they go for one night stands instead.

They just want the normal girl.

And that gets me thinking. I have a somewhat eclectic taste in music, clothing, and demeanor. Sometimes I wish I liked more normal things so maybe I wouldn’t feel like such an outsider. And I wish all this shit didn’t bother me so much, so I wouldn’t feel so depressed when somebody I have a crush on (a cook at work) asks if I like any newer bands, and I say “Not really”, and then the conversation dies before it really even began [That happened Tuesday at work].

If I didn’t like strange things like pink hair highlights, and having a nose ring, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I get so many of these, ‘omg, how gross, what a loser freak dork fatso, let’s go make fun of her behind her back’ looks. But when I think of it, it’s pink hair. People aren’t going to not look. I almost wish I could change the fact that I liked that stuff. It’s like. I don’t want to change who I am just to feel like I fit in, but I am getting increasingly tired of feeling like I’m the one that doesn’t belong, the one person in a huge crowd full of people that stands out, the only one that doesn’t feel like they belong there.

Sure, I have moments among friends where I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be, but more or less, I just feel like the outsider. The outcast. I’ve never lived there as long as any of my other friends. I have differing views. I have a bit of a different taste than everyone else. I don’t like some ‘acceptable to the group’ things some of them do or say. It’s like, I don’t want to be a herd animal that blindly follows others of its kind because it fears being singled out, but I’m really sick and tired of feeling like I don’t belong anywhere or with anybody.

Now, my best friend Vanessa is literally my best friend in the entire world, and I don’t know where I’d be without her, and shoot me if I’m wrong (actually, please don’t), but I’m sure she’s had her moments like that, only with me being the best friend.

But, I wish for once that I could find somebody, a somebody I’m supposed to meet, and that I belonged with. Don’t get me wrong. I am the happiest in the world for my best friend and her boyfriend, for Erin and Kenny, for Jenny and Jarrod, for Amanda and Ryan, but… I get so tired of it being everyone else that gets someone. Not me. I’m the third wheel. The odd one out.

And, to add to all this, I can’t ask anyone out. My brain will tell me things like, It’ll only end badly, you’ll just be really embarassed, they’ll already be taken, you’ll look stupid for even wanting to ask, they won’t like you, they’ll think you’re even more retarded than they already do…Which most of that’s a load of rubbish, but it doesn’t change the fact that, in the situation with any guy of interest, my vocal cords literally stop working and I can’t talk to them.

And, I love love LOVE the people that try to help me by saying things like “Just take a breath and jump” or “Just do it, just ask them, just talk to them.” but if it were that bloody easy, I think I’d have done it by now and I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering why I couldn’t do it. Even if I was scared, even if I was afraid I’d be rejected. If it was as simple as people tell me, I think I’d have done it by now.

Anyway, my dad took me out for lunch today, we went to an Asian food place in town. We talked a bit, some of it was bitching at me because ‘I was spending a lot of time ont he phone, if we went over our 1200 minutes split between four people a month plan, I was going to pay every cent of overage charge… I’m sorry. My best friend, basically my sister from another mister, lives TWO  HOURS AWAY.  I haven’t seen her since the beginning of JULY, before that, the beginning of JANUARY. Don’t get pissy at me, I have already agreed that if we went over, I’d pay the overage.

Anyway, work sucked today. Since my stupid crush on the cook developed, I’ve felt socially retarded around EVERYONE in the fucking kitchen. Even people I don’t “like” that way. It was my 22nd birthday today, so before work I bought some reeses peanut butter cups, some miniature snickers bars, and a box of little debbie cosmic brownies, yet the whole three and a half hours I was at work, I didn’t have the guts to tell anyone ‘it was my birthday today, I brought treats, you can all have some. ‘

Hell. I didn’t even have the guts to talk to the cook. All I said to him all day was, hi, I laughed at something he said, and bye. That was it.  Fucking IT. I mean, what sort of message is this going to send him if all I can do when he talks to me is laugh stupidly, or sound feebly obvious as to what I’m thinking. I only hope he doesn’t notice how red my face must be whenever he talks to me.

God I sound like a stupid middle schooler. Here I am, the eve of my 22nd birthday, and I’m ranting about guys like a 16 year old girl would.

I actually wanted to cry the entire time I was at work, but I held it in, so on the drive home my eyes were like faulty faucets and I couldn’t stop whining about, why was I so dumb, why couldn’t I just say that, why was it so hard.. basically my faulty faucet eyes were drowning me in a pool of self pity that was really disgusting.

I just wish I liked one thing, just one thing that this guy liked, so we’d at least have a chance to strike up a conversation that lasts more than 20 seconds. He probably has the hots for one of the servers or something, considering he flirts with every female at work but me. Probably because I give off a bad vibe or something. Goddammit. Just once I wish I could like the right guy. It feels like it’s never going to bloody happen.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m going to end up bringing the treats back to work, and saying something like “Yesterday was my birthday, and I brought treats, but I was too shy to hand them out so I brought them back today”. Probably not to the cook, to one of the servers, JD if she’s there. Since she’s the only person there that I feel remotely comfortable around.

Goddamit. I wish I knew one of the servers well enough to ask questions about the cook. Just to find out if he’s taken. It’s like, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, although even if he was free I’d still have enormous problems talking to him.

I’m not a people person, unless I’ve had a few to drink and I can’t very well come to work drunk, or get drunk at work.

Well. Even though some of this will still be on my mind the entire day tomorrow, I’m glad I talked about it here. I know there are things I could do to change all this. I know that. It’s just getting started on it that feels impossible, because I’m sure once I started on all this, continuing would be very easy. I just can’t seem to get started.

Shades of grey wherever I go…

-“Shades of Gray”, by Billy Joel.

This day has been really bizarre. I’m not sure how to explain… It’s been cold and rainy all day. Honestly, when I first woke up around 8:30 or 9am and looked out the window, it looked exactly the same out then as it does now. That has given today the odd feeling of as if it happened all in one singular moment.

Another thing I’m not sure of is exactly why I wanted to write a blog today, as nothing eventful has happened. The only thing of any substance that will happen today is me going to work, and seeing as it’s a Tuesday night [and the weather is dreadful], I hardly expect what is mainly a bar to be very busy, which means I’ll probably only be at work for little over three hours.

Three measly hours, yet I still dread going. Probably on account of the awful day I had at work on Friday night. On that note, Saturday night (working at PM Park) went great. Most of the time we were there had my co-workers listening to Def Leppard whether they wanted to or not.

Anyway. Back to the short work shifts business. When business at PM Park was at its height (rather, the closest PM Park got to one this year), I was regularly working 8 hours without even so much as batting an eyelash. I really hope I don’t fall back into my Arby’s mentality; feeling like a three hour work shift was the end of the world.

At that, I already know that I need to look for another job, but I can’t very well do that right now, my car is in the shop, with my rear brakes needing new brake pads (hence the horrible screeching sound they’d been making). With my mother’s car needing to be in her posession and myself not being able to drive dad’s truck (and, it’s having battery problems at the moment), that leaves one extra vehicle and I can’t very well be gallavanting off in it all day.

Is me needing a[nother] job a serious issue? Perhaps not as serious as it would be if I wasn’t employed at the Colony, but it is still an important issue that warrants my concern.

I just don’t understand how I’m going to save up money. I’ve got a 50 dollar student loan payment I have to make every month. There’s gas in my car (when I get it back, anyway), and apparently, I still have a medical bill close to 300 dollars, thanks to the Radiologists of North Iowa, an employee of which gave me a call today.

I hung up on them. I can’t recall them sending a bill out to our house, although I’m guessing they have before, seeing as they resorted to calling me. Well, if I’d have thought of it before I hung up the phone, I’d have told them to send another bill to the house.

That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t afford to pay that. I don’t have much in the bank, having been forced on a couple of occasions to take money out to pay for the student loan bill and gas for the car.

Still. Next time they call (and there will most likely be a next time) I’m telling them to send the bill to my house, because honestly, what good is it for them to call the house, considering I have no credit or debit card and no means of paying over the phone, nor would I give them said info if I had that option. I’ll ask that they send another bill home and I’ll worry about possible financial aid from there. I’m thinking, if I was able to get a different bill completely excused, I might be able to work said magic on this one. Or, at least get part of it taken off.

All of that makes me getting another job (or getting more hours) much more paramount. It’s strange; I have to work to be able to afford the gas to GET to work.

I’d call my boss about getting more hours but she rarely answers her phone. If I manage to see her tonight at work, I’ll ask about getting any possible extra hours. Because honestly, working six days a week is not that hard when your shift is barely four hours long.

Does that eliminate the need for me to find another job? No. But it would help a little.

It’s just that, with the job thing, it goes back to not having experience in anything, and not being able to get experience, so that the cycle of not being able to get a job just keeps going.  I’ve browsed the classifieds lately, and there is literally nothing open that I’m qualified for (and I even checked the sections I don’t like, such as retail).

So I’m a bit gloomy, and I would be even if today hadn’t been as dreary and gray as it ended up. 

Still. I do have a bit of hope. I don’t know why, but I do. There’s bound to be something somewhere. I think I’ll come up with a list of places I can apply to online, so I can at least do something if I can’t get out and physically ask for applications.

I can be thankful that I do at least have a part time job. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have PM Park/The Colony. Sure, I’m currently not that great off money wise, but I’d be even worse off without that.

I apologize for all the financial rambling, because once I look back, I’ve been through it before and gotten advice on what to do about it before, but it’s on my mind a lot, hence its presence here.  I basically know what I have to do, it’s just actually getting started and doing it that is proving to be a slight problem.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my 22nd birthday is in just two days, and my family is celebrating tomorrow [I have to work on Thursday night, which is my birthday]. I was given one gift early, 20 dollars in gift cards to a second hand store I go to a lot. For dinner, the family is going out to eat, where, I haven’t yet decided, although I’m leaning towards either Plaza Mexico or Carlos O’Kelly’s (two places we haven’t been to in ages). It’s not that I’m craving Mexican food or anything, I just thought of two places we hadn’t been in a while. I first thought of Applebees or Papa’s American Cafe, but the last few times we’ve gone out to eat (at real sit down restaurants), it’s been one of those two places. From what I remember anyway.

I can’t think of anything else that’s going to happen, other than opening a few presents and having cake and ice cream. I want to save at least one gift to open on my real birthday.

Still, man. I like having birthdays, but from henceforth I will no longer enjoy getting older. I want to stay 21 forever, thank you. I don’t want to get old. It’s strange, really. I fear death, yet I don’t want to get old. In fact, my fear of getting old is only second to my fear of right out death. And Vanessa didn’t help my paranoia when she reminded me that, when she turns 24, she’ll be close to having 1/4 of her life over with already.

I see older people, in their like 60s, and I just sit there, wondering why they aren’t worried that they’ll just kiel over dead any minute; I am scared enough of the idea of death at my current age, if it keeps on going, I won’t get to my 60s because the stress of worrying about death will have killed me before hand. How that’s for an ironic death? xD

Anyway, despite how old I feel sometimes, I am still young. I have a lot of years ahead of me. I’ve started making healthier choices and being a bit more active; while it’s not where I’d like it to eventually be, I feel better than if I wasn’t doing anything at all.

I just need to keep reminding myself that it might be annoying and inconvenient now, but it will pay off in the long run. And being healthier will mean that my fear of death will be kept at bay for a lot longer.

Hell. If I really got my rear in gear, at 50 I could still look like I’m in my 20s, like a certain guitarist who would be the second from the left in this picture.

I MEAN FOR FUCK’S SAKE. The man is FIFTY! I know he works out a lot but shit dude, you’ve got to be blessed with some great genes to look that good at fifty.

On the subject of looking good, pay attention to the cutie patootie in the middle. 😛

As they always say, save a drum, bang a drummer. xD

I apologize for the change of personality; seeing as it’s that time of the month, I’m switching between angry/depressed/happy a lot faster than I normally do.