Looking at you now, you seem just a shadow…

-Fresh Air Waltz, by Howard Jones.

You recall my last entry about this guy I will never, ever have?

Yeah. I mentioned it to a friend earlier. In that conversation, I stated that I knew it was just a stupid crush and that I was all but over it.

I LIED.

It continues to plague me, like a diesease for which there is no cure. I wish it would just kill me and get it over with.

To tell the truth, I’m not sure how to handle myself. I continue to torture myself because I am almost totally sure that it will never happen. And yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. All it takes to make my insides turn to jelly is his smile, and when he laughs, and his gorgeous brown eyes.

It’s disgusting how head over heals I am with this guy. How can I feel so strongly about someone I can’t have? What purpose does it serve, seriously? Unless the world is trying to drive me insane. I have two three words for the world: SHORT fucking TRIP.

For instance, the entire evening I’ve been home, I have been staring off into space, unable to do anything…. I messed up the stupid rice I was supposed to be cooking because this unrequited love has infected my brain.

And, when I get out my sketchbook, I can usually come up with even a small doodle that looks somewhat attractive. Today, nothing. I stared at the blank page until I got tired of waiting for inspiration that wouldn’t come.
And, I usually suck at writing anyway, but today I can’t even concentrate on the paper long enough to write anything down! Seriously! I’m surprised I’m cognative enough to type this blog entry!

Every time I stop doing something, he’s there!

I wonder if he knows what he does to me. If you know me at all, you know I am not bold, and I am not strong. If one keeps hiding behind their wall, I will of course torture myself with the thoughts of what would happen should I get some courage and lose my care of what would be thought of me, but by no means will I feel able to approach them.

I just wish I actually knew what he thought of me. Straight out. I always hear things like this from other people, but I seriously wish he would just grow some balls and fucking talk to me.

Or maybe my incessant torture isn’t obvious enough.

Maybe it would be if I decided to join the leigons of emos who slash at their arms with razor blades. Or perhaps I just need to have it branded into my forehead.

I CAN HELP YOU. I know I can’t fix my own problems, but I know I can help you with yours.

You certainly do not deserve to alienate yourself and say you’re tired every time I say you look a bit depressed. Stop trying to lie, it doesn’t fucking work. I know you’re depressed and I know why, so why won’t you let me help you? I don’t care if you don’t “like” me or whatever, I want to help as a friend. Of course if you do like me I can help you there too, but still. I want to help you as a friend. So maybe I don’t know you as well as some other people do.

Big fucking deal.

If it’s anyone who deserves eternal torture, it’s me. Not you. You’re so much better than what you let yourself believe. I know you are. You might not, but I do.

You can’t live like this forever. Even if it’s not me, you need to let someone in. That’s what love is; caring so much for a person’s happiness, even if their future does not involve you.

So listen up. LET SOMEONE IN. It won’t kill you, I promise.

You are the sun, you are the rain that makes my life this foolish game…

You need to know
I love you so
And I’d do it all again and again….
-Lionel Richie, “You Are”.

Hello there… I TURNED 21 TODAY!!!!! 😀

Back to your regularly scheduled programming….

I had a great birthday today…. It started out early, due to some child outside positively screaming at like, 5:40 in the morning. I wanted to get up around then anyway so I’d have enough time to wash my hair, and get in an hour or two on the computer (since I was given special computer priveledges today) before I left for class. I got two presents this morning. One was the Elton John Greatest Hits two cd set. And one was a four pack of expensive AA batteries for my digital camera…. (I later got Mika’s cd ‘Life in Cartoon Motion’, and a capo for my guitar)….

Anyhoo. I only had one class today…. it was great… And we were only in there for like, ten minutes. It was pretty much a work day (we could go to the comp labs), but the excitement of my birthday made it hard for me to concentrate, so I left the computer lab like, half an hour early. I had a blast in the A.C. today. It was a LOT of fun…. 

Well, except for the fact that a crush I had on this guy like, last year is back in full freaking swing…. That’s actually a lie because it never really left, persay, it just got put on the back burner… The burner way way way in the back….
Still… I was talking to one of my friends and we’re pretty sure that when this guy told me he had a girlfriend (or, when he let other people tell me), it was not completely truthful. It was more than likely a nice way to tell me no. Which, I understand. It can be hard to turn someone down without hurting their feelings…..

Still…. I’m pretty sure the guy thinks I’m insane. If he thinks otherwise, I’m not aware of it. I think he’s about as shy as me, he just hides it better than I do. He’s shy a bit differently than I am, I think. Still…. Dammit! Why am I getting this big uber bad crush back now?

Maybe it’s a sign!

LOL I can dream.

And don’t tell me to tell him how I feel because I tried that once already, and I got turned down flat. More than once…. Still. I don’t want to give up on it. I just don’t think he likes me, and I really don’t want to get my hopes up so far to have them trodden all over again. It’s like getting shot down time after time, and still going back for more. Although they do say that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain.

Still… .I know I have some things in common with this guy. Sense of humor, for instance. To put it lightly, it’s deranged. He’s about as deranged as I am in that sense. Just this morning it was something about threatening a friend with my giant pair of scissors so we could have vodka cookies. xD

Anyhoo. More things in common. He is the only guy I know that can quote Spongebob and Fairly OddParents better than I can. Not that that is a good thing to base a crush on or anything…. And… the shy part. In some ways I really hate liking shy guys. Because I’m so shy, and they’re so shy, usually nothing gets done because neither of us have the guts to do anything about it… That is, assuming they feel the same (which I’m pretty sure he doesn’t… if he does, he’s doing a fantastic job of hiding it).

Still (about the millionth time I’ve written that word today)….. I don’t play video games that much, but I like playing them some, and he’s pretty much a gamer… xD He could totally give me guitar hero lessons. xD

Anyway… It’s really frustrating wanting guys you can’t have. I mean, damn, why can’t I want a guy I can get?

Because it’s no fun, or some rubbish like that. Dammit.

I’ll talk to my friend about it later… because she knows him and at one point he even wanted to date her.

MOMENTARY JEALOUSY.

Sorry for that little outburst….

 My momentary jealousy has now morphed into permanent envy.

Damn you, jealousy! *shakes fist*

“But now it matters not if I should live or die
‘Cause I’m only left with my own jealousy” –
‘Jealousy’

Queen lyrics. SURPRISE SURPRISE. 

Sorry couldn’t resist. 😉

Look into my eyes and you’ll see I’m the only one….

You’ve captured my love, stolen my heart
Changed my life
Every time you make a move you destroy my mind
And the way you touch
I lose control and shiver deep inside
You take my breath away……
“You Take My Breath Away”, by Queen

Well, howdie there. I know it’s been quite the expanse of time since I last had a chance to write in this blog. I still have not found a job, which means I do not have regular access to the computer, although I did find out that the only password on the computer is one to use the internet.

Anyway. If you’re wondering when I’ll get to the part where I talk about how my life has been going, wonder no longer. I can’t say it’s been going fabulously, but there are lots and lots of people who have it much worse than I do.

Well, for one, my budding internet romance went down the shitter, to put it politely. I was going to drive to Belmond to meet him one night. It was like, 10:30-11pm when I left the house. I got lost, and he wasn’t answering his phone (he’d been drinking and added that he might pass out from drinking too much). So I went back home and chugged like four bottles of cheapass beer I’d had left over from when I still worked at Heartland Inn (if people left unopened soda/alcohol or food, the housekeepers could claim it).

I tried calling him the next day. He’d called me from several different numbers. One of those was a ground line. One time when I called it, a woman answered. I got freaked out and hung up. Then later, I got a call from that number. It was a guy, asking who this was. I told him my name. He said they didn’t know anybody by that name and hung up. Later, out of curiosity, I called the number again. The girl answered. I asked if she knew a guy by a certain name. She said yes, he was her BOYFRIEND.

Nice. I seem to attract dishonest fuckwads who have no sense of honor. It’s really annoying. And, to date, he hasn’t answered the voicemails I left him that week. It wouldn’t bother me so much if he’d just grow some balls and take it like a man…. sounds like another man I know, but this isn’t the time for that… Believe me.

Anyway. I know it was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it, but I do have a new x shaped mark on my arm because of that whole stupid encounter.

 Anyway. Yeah…. I still have not found a job, which is really beginning to grate on me… I’ve gotten into a few arguments about that…. And, I only have 60 bucks left in the bank… So thank GOD that my parents said they’d fill up my car with gas so I can go visit Vanessa the week of my birthday, which is NEXT WEEEEEEK!

On Tuesday, I TURN 21!! I’m excited! Anyway. I’ll be leaving NIACC on Friday and heading straight for Vanessa’s. I’ll need to call her some time to iron out the fine details though. But still… It’s going to be GREAT!

Um, yeah. But besides all that stuff, today was kind of a downer. I was in a bad mood the entire day. And, I was tired seriously like most of the day today…. And, my guy situation is currently really really frustrating, because I’m caught inbetween a guy I only like on certain days (but who I’m almost certain doesn’t like me that way), and a guy I know I cannot have (this one, I know personally)…. It’s like AUUGHHHH! Kill me now! God I hate men sometimes! I swear… xP

Anyhoo, I have some pictures to mess with so I’ll talk to you later.