Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you….

And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
-“Alone”, by Heart.


I’m back. This time from a computer lab at school, because of the fact that my parents put a password on the home computers. Today’s entry finds me a little bit depressed, actually. There is this guy which I met online. I know, not exactly the best line to start this out… but it’s the one I’ll be using. So anyhoo.

There is this guy that I met online through a singles site I actually got an ad for through my e-mail. Nine times out of ten, I delete junk e-mails like that without thinking twice. But, because of my boredom, I decided, what the fuck, let’s check it out. So I did. If you have a free account, you can send ‘flirts’ to people… and even if one has a paying account they can do this. I got one from this really cute (well, cute in my eyes anyway) guy… and from there… yeah….

Just recently I’ve actually started talking to him on the phone… I feel like such an idiot because I don’t know what to say on the phone… It’s really frustrating. I find myself just rambling about random small talk things, and I just get so embarassed.

And.. it does NOT help that he works a freaking full time job, AND goes to school full time. Between work, school, and his kids, it seems like he barely has time to sleep, let alone do anything else…. And I know somebody is going to be in here saying I deserve someone who isn’t so busy, blah blah blah… I’ve been extremely patient with this guy and I will continue to be patient until I actually meet him face to face.

It’s so strange. We go to the same school, and haven’t seen each other yet. That would be due to conveniently placed breaks that never happen at the same time… It’s just that I want to meet this guy so bad, I could freaking SCREAM…

It’s just so hard being patient… I want to meet him now! I mean, if it were me, I’d be like EFF SCHOOL! I’ll skip class just to meet you. I mean, even five freaking minutes before class, is that so GOD DAMN much to ask for?

It’s just that… when something takes so very long to wait for, you begin to wonder if it’s ever going to happen at all… I don’t want this to turn out like my fiasco with Jacob… talking on the phone for hours and hours over months and months…. seeming like I’ll never meet him.. then finally we meet, and then I don’t hear from him for over a year….

I have absolutely no reason to believe that the stuff with this guy will be anywhere near as much of a disaster as Jacob was, but trust my mind to go straight to the pessimistic option, even though I know it’s not true.

Even though I know, I still wonder. Is that normal? I know it won’t happen, yet I keep second guessing myself? I wish I didn’t do that so much.

And really, the power could be in my hands. I could say, I have the power. Not other people, me… and yet I still don’t believe it, not really. I mean I do, and I don’t. It’s strange. I really hate the clash of beliefs that I find I have sometimes….

It’s just… AHH! To want something so bad and know you’ll have to wait for a while until it happens is just frustrating, not to mean depressing…. But you have heard more than enough of how I get when I’m depressed so I’ll spare you and end the entry.

Feel the city breakin’, and everybody shakin’, and we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive

-the Bee Gees, “Stayin’ Alive”

So hello there. I know it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve been able to update the blog.  Except for the fact that I haven’t yet found a job, my life has been going really well since my last entry on September 9th.

For one thing, I have made my peace with Chad. I know you’ve heard that before, but this time, we really have made our peace.
 I was being stupid and childish, and afraid of him for no apparent reason. I avoided him like the plague…. I know he’d said he was a bit angry with me, and I guess I really dislike knowing when people are disappointed with me, so I avoided him. I should have known better, though. Even strictly as friends, we were way too close to get so ill-tempered towards each other. So, things between us are going rather well. Better than I’d have imagined possible a few weeks ago…

I was feeling ill last week, but we’ve figured that all out. Part of it was just my first bad cold of the season, but the other part turned out to be acid reflux. I tried to wait it out, but the heartburn was getting so bad it was interrupting my sleep. I’d be getting up at midnight and sitting in front of the kitchen tv until two or three am… Then, I’d go lie in bed until five or six am, when the parents see fit as an adequate time to be up. It was awful.

But.. I feel a lot better now. Thank god. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could deal with all that. But… knowing I have acid reflux, there are some changes I need to make. First of all, I need to lose some weight, which I’d been meaning to do anyway. There are also some foods I need to try and enjoy in moderation. Such as citrus, tomato products, chocolate, and.. bum bum BUMMMM…. caffeine.

Damn. I can deal with cutting back on everything else, but cutting back on the caffeine… is actually not proving to be as difficult as I thought it would be. ;D

But goddam, I am so glad my cold is gone and I can actually sing again that it’s CRAZY.

Anyhoo, in addition to all that, I have made some amazing new friends…. I didn’t really think I would, seeing as my friends of the past are so good, but I have.
Christina, well, she’s as strange as I am if that says anything. Kyrie (can’t spell)… she uses Gaia Online (a forum I am on), and we have a lot of other things in common. We’ve even passed notes during Comp & Speech class (something I *never* did in grade or high school). Erin, well she’s really funny…. I mean I met her towards the end of last year but I didn’t really *know* her that well until this year… There are a few others that I can’t remember their names.. ^^; But, the Activity Center is getting to be almost as much fun as it was last year.

Anyway, that reminds me. I miss Vanessa! I mean, she’s like my sister! We were practically joined at the hip before she moved…but at least she’s doing well.

She found a job, as a political telemarketer… Obviously it’s not what she’s aiming for in the long run, but as long as it’ll keep her going… I’m happy for her that she’s found a job, but I wish I could share in her good fortune… ^^; I need to step up the job search again. I was going pretty strong there for a while, and then I just let it slack off… But I’ll step it up.

I’m going on a month without technically being allowed on the home computers. Although that has given me some time to look into a few of my artistic endeavors, I really miss just being able to freely get on the computer when people are home. Plus… I have some computer art that I haven’t really gotten to work on for a while… it drives me MAD when I feel like putting in an hour or two on one of my computer art projects, and I can’t.

Anyway, I gather you’ve heard enough of my banter for now… so, see you later, until the next entry. 😉

A whiter shade of pale…

If feelings could be described in colors, I would be the palest white imaginable. AKA, I feel like shit. Less eloquent, I know, but it gets the point across I suppose.

Anyway. I have been doing decently since my last entry. I still haven’t found a job, but a friend who works with her mom (they work with disabled people) said they need more people… so that idea may pan out. I hope so. Something rewarding would sure beat plopping mounds of greasy beef slices on a mashed up bun. Or other such things.

But… I am mortally afraid of a certain He Who Shall Not Be Named. Honestly. I panic whenever I know where he is, even if I’m not in the same room. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my mind keeps returning to the time it took FOUR of us to hold him back when he got angry at someone once. He was being egged on, but still… Even though he would never hit me, that’s still what I’m afraid of. Seeing as he could easily beat me within an inch of my life….

Anyway. My family went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday. It was fun… I got some cool pictures through out the day; I even shot a couple video clips of a juggler guy… But… I think I caught a cold from someone there, because today, I’ve felt like crap all day. I slept in until almost 9am, which I NEVER, EVER do unless I’ve been drinking. xD Most of the day, I only had a headache and sore throat, but a few  hours ago, I was paranoid I’d throw up. I was even standing in the doorway of the bathroom, I was so paranoid… I don’t feel quite so nauseous now, but that little stint has gotten me good and afraid of eating anything. Who knows how long that’ll last. I might grab a few crackers before bed.

I hate to miss school, but if I feel like this in the morning, I’ll have to. I really hate to miss, because I want to hang out with a few people there…. As for class; Comp  & Speech… I’m not too worried about missing. Choir; I hate to miss choir. But, I didn’t go to Choral Society practice today, and since my college choir and that one have the same director, he shouldn’t be too surprised if I stay home from school tomorrow.

It’s just… I hate to miss class when I only have two freaking classes… which is why if I feel even a little bit better, I’ll probably just suck it up and go. However, if it stays the same, or gets worse, for my health and everyone else’s, I’ll stay home. I should probably stay home anyway. Still… I hate to miss class!

Listen to this! A year ago, I’d be rejoicing for a reason to miss class. Now, I HATE it….

Anyway… I’m kinda tired, so I’m going to chow down  a few crackers and then go to bed. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow…