Mood hasn’t gotten much better since the last time I wrote a week ago. Well, it actually has, but I’m in a shitty mood right now. As always, stressed about the job search. I put in 3 apps yesterday, I just put one in, but there literally aren’t any new job listings in my zip code that I haven’t already seen. I’d love to plug away and put in 10 apps a day until I finally found a job, but there just aren’t that many jobs around here.
Like every day that goes by that I haven’t found a job, I just lose hope. I’m wondering why I’m even going through this whole charade. I keep consistently putting in job apps, and I keep consistently not even getting a damn rejection courtesy email. Before I used to get a fair amount of interviews (but not get the job) but now it seems like I’m not even getting interviews. I know a very common way my anxiety manifests itself is in my tendency to follow through every situation to it’s terrible possible conclusion, but when is this shit going to end?
I’m pretty much down to the minimum amount that you can have in your savings account and still keep it active. My parents are paying my bills right now with the stipulation that I begin paying them back once I secure employment (if, I mean, at this rate).
I’m just so disappointed in myself. When I think back on first moving here, this isn’t at all how I thought things would go. I had a full time, decent paying job, I had an apartment, I could afford rent and bills… fast forward to now, I’m literally in a constant state of anxiety, where it’s an accomplishment if I can even do dishes and take a shower in the same day, nevermind actually boiling water and even making myself ramen.
I get so depressed because it seems like the only way to have a job back again is to go back to the call center. Which I can’t do, because I get upset just thinking about how hard it was for me there, especially the last like 4-5 months I was there. I mean, I could pay my bills, but that was about the only thing. And then I just hate myself because I know there are people that deal with far worse situations than me and haven’t completely lost their damn minds.
I mean, take this with a grain of salt because I drank a bit last night so I didn’t take my meds.
That’s how I know I have a problem, I get anxious about my anxiety meds. It would be funny if I wasn’t trying not to cry in public writing a damn blog entry like the lame ass nerd I am. What I meant to say is, it seems like I don’t even enjoy my non stressed moments because then I’m insecure about the fact that it seems like I can’t even miss my meds for ONE DOSE because I can definitely feel it.
How the hell am I supposed to be an independent adult with my brain being against me at every single turn?
And the most frustrating thing is, there are two local establishments that regularly post job openings, and if my application isn’t still active from the last time, I apply every single time, and yet I consistently don’t even get a damn interview. I didn’t think a chain pizza joint (it rhymes with pizza tut) was that discerning with their employment. I couldn’t even get a damn interview at the golden arches fast food place that I can literally see from my living room window.
And then I start to dwell on my past mistakes. I fucked up so much before, (even somewhat recently, i.e. my last job) that maybe all those mistakes are hurting my chances at employment.
This isn’t anything I can take to my parents because they either go “See we told you blahblahblahblah” or “I keep telling you to blahblahblahblah but you don’t and now see where you are” or whatever in not so many words.
I mean I literally mention my guilt about the past in every single therapy session I have, and yet it still consistently comes up in each subsequent therapy session.
It’s so exhausting living in a state of constant (most likely) unfounded guilt. Guilty about what I did before, guilty for what I’m doing now, guilty for what I’m GOING to do, it’s like christ, I feel guilty just for being alive on the planet. I basically ruined my parents lives by being born and turning in a piece of shit, and I’m still ruining it. My dad gets disability and can’t currently work at his part time job yet (he’s recovering from rotator cuff surgery) and my mom makes way less money at her current job but they’re currently paying my bills, giving me gas money… shit, dad gave me forty bucks before I left their house on Sunday from spending the weekend. And I don’t deserve any of it. Dad was right when he said I was a burden on everyone’s life, because all I do is cost them money and stress them out. Even my sister, it seems like, because when am I not messaging her when I’m really upset but don’t want to stress out my other anxiety having friends about it? When you really think about it, people would have been so much better off without me having been born into the universe.
And it’s hard to give a fuck about your unemployment when you kind of wish you’d never been born