Hi, it’s been a long time…


Anyway, carrying on… It looks like my last blog post was published in February, which is whatever because I’m the only one who even knows this blog exists. Which may or may not be due to my lack of ability to post regularly.

Well, I finally quit that job I was so unhappy with. My last day was May 30th. I’m currently enjoying my time off while trying to muster up enough motivation to actually work on my resume and apply to jobs but honestly… I’m probably not going to ever again in my adult life have this kind of free time, so for now I’m enjoying that.

Honestly though, I’ll have my resume finished by Monday, because that’s when my therapy appointment is, and I promised my therapist I’d have it done, and printed off so she can look over it and give advice. I know I’m nearly 30 (FUCK…) but to this day when I picture the word resume, I picture people in business suits carrying briefcases to their power lunches and shit while they watch CSPAN.

I’m having trouble staying motivated for that. Like today, I came to the library with the intent to legit start writing my resume but I left the stupid paper at home that my therapist jotted some notes down on to help me out. And now I’m just emailing myself some job descriptions so it feels like I actually worked on it a little.

I don’t know. Other than having that resume written by Monday, I’m honestly just going to take it easy this week, then I’ll be serious about job hunting. I know that’s what I said would start happening this week, but as I said earlier, until I’m old enough to retire, it’s likely that I’ll never have this much free time again, so I’m taking advantage of it while I can.

Anxiety is funny that way. I’m both enjoying my free time and stressing out about it at the same time. When I give myself too much time to think, sometimes I’m literally anxious over nothing. The other day I literally had an anxiety attack about nothing. That’s what can be hard for people to understand. Sometimes anxiety attacks will have a cause, and sometimes they literally happen out of thin air.
I’ll feel uncomfortable with no specific reason, and then out of nowhere, BAM, I’m crying and hyperventilating over nothing. And even between sobs I’ll be saying to myself “What the fuck am I doing, this is ridiculous”.

So basically I need to be occupied pretty much at all times, whether it’s with a video game, a movie/tv show, doing a household chore…whatever. Between the demons in my own head and all the bullshit going on in the news, it’s honestly really hard for me to stay positive or even arrive there to begin with.  I think way too much, constantly. And I don’t really like total silence (but that’s partly because I have tinnitus and if there’s absolutely no sound, I hear a dull hum/hiss/I’m not entirely sure how to categorize it).

I swear I had a coherent theme for this blog when I started, but now it’s kind of devolved into rambling, which all too often happens here.

I walked here, partly to work on my resume and partly because it’s a pokestop on pokemon go.

And honestly, you can criticize the game all you want but I’m currently up to two walks I would not have taken otherwise. I’m lazy as fuck, often times not even the promise of snacks or getting a coffee or going to the thrift store will get me off my ass. When I can actually get a GPS signal, it’s pretty fun, honestly.

I honestly have no idea what else to write in here