Another day has gone, I’m still all alone…

-Michael Jackson, “You Are Not Alone”.

Well, howdie there, faithful blog readers. Which, if you add up all the tiny little percentages of people who read this, you’d come out at roughly 1 & 1/2 people.

Woo woo, off topic alert.

Okay. I’m back. xD Last entry, I mentioned how that Tim character hadn’t contacted me for a while. Well, yesterday I logged into windows messenger for the first time since like, the 19th, and Tim wrote me something to the effect of

“I see you don’t understand that I have children without a decent mother, and end up having them a lot when I’m not supposed to. Call me Wednesday if you really want to get together, if not I guess we can be friends and party whenever I can actually get out to party”.

Excuse me? Did you just give me an ultimatum? Call me or we’ll just be friends?
Pardon my French, you asshole, but I think you made the final say in that yourself, don’t give me a goddam ultimatum. Anyway. With Windows Live messenger, you can send them instant messages even if they aren’t online, and they’ll get them the next time they log in. So I wrote him a novel. Not all of it is here, I mean it when I say, I wrote a novel.

I know you’re busy, but I start to think I shouldn’t make plans with anyone cuz’ they’ll cancel. And not all the times you’ve been busy have been because fo your kids (getting too drunk, for instance)”.

And, I know school is important, but if school is always a priority over people, they start to feel inferior. Not saying skip class and get F’s to see people, but.. I guess I didn’t feel like you wanted to see me that badly.“

I went on to ask that, why was it whenever he offered to meet me somewhere, it was always a motel? Because that’s a little red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I also mentioned my doubts in him having another friend named Tim. I also mentioned how I wondered if he was really busy, or had someone he didn’t want me to meet.

And. Okay. So I haven’t said this yet, but he sent me a text message a few days ago. It said something to the effect of ‘Sometimes I wonder why I miss you, why I think about you, why I text you, then I remember: Special ed kids need lots of attention”.

And, it might sound stupid, but when I got that message, I cried for like, at least half an hour, because it actually did hurt.

So.. If what’s his face thinks I’m going to run back to him with open arms after all this shit? I’m sorry, but it really, really looks like a precursor of what would be to come, should I decide to go with him.

I’m sorry man. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life, and eventually die alone, than be with a fucker like you.

But I’m still curious to see what he says in rebuttal, if for nothing else than entertainment value. Actually, the real entertainment comes in seeing if he actually has the balls to defend himself. He hasn’t, so far.

PS: this blog text is only this way because for some reason, some of the text decided to turn itself black, and my background is black… ^^;

PPS: I have now discovered the advanced text toolbar… Yay.

I’m gonna make a change for once in my life, it’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right…

-“Man in the Mirror”, Michael Jackson.

Well, hello there. My last entry found me discussing Tim issues.

If you’re wondering at all, he still hasn’t replied to me at all. I haven’t made any attempts to contact him, because I wanted to see what he would do. As I expected, though, silence and utter nothingness has been all that has greeted me in this area.

And. I can honestly say it isn’t bothering me nearly as much as I would have thought after writing my last entry.

Well. Not to press my new old obsession upon you, but to quote Michael Jackson:

Don’t you come walkin’-
Beggin’- I ain’t Lovin’ you
Don’t you get in my way
‘Cause there’s a time when you’re right
And you know you must fight
Who’s laughing baby, Don’t you know?
And there’s the choice that we Make
And this choice you will take
Who’s laughin’ baby
So just leave me alone…
“Leave Me Alone”.

It’s how I feel about it, really. I did worry about it for a day or two, but then after that, I realized it’s not worth it. I’m not going to sit here and ponder it forever. That’s because I know it didn’t bother him at all, or else he’d have, at the very least, tried to contact me.

As it is, though, I continue to hear nothing, and if he turns out like Jacob where I never hear from him again, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I am a little torked off that I got him a hallmark card, and now things are as they are. And, it doesn’t even get to me that much, it’s more symbolic than anything else. A little annoyance at investing time, energy, and cell phone minutes on him only to have my efforts wasted. Good thing I only signed the card’s envelope [that got torn up and thrown away]. As for the card, it will be stashed away until I find someone who deserves it. And yes, that little statement could be taken symbolically as well.

Anyway, let me get to the real reason I wanted to write this entry. As you may or may not know, for the last three days, I have exercised for a half hour a day. And, I’ve drastically cut back the amount of food I’ve been eating. While I’m nowhere near what I’d like to be at eventually, it’s a start, and a big step for me, at that. I didn’t exercise today but I’ll get to that in a bit. It’s just, lately, I’ve felt inspired and motivated, and for no reason that I can think of, except maybe my music. 

I’m not sure if I’d ever be motivated if not by the music that I listen to. Lately, Queen, the Beatles, and Michael Jackson have been the most inspiring.
I suppose another motivating factor is, if one is looking to get into music themselves, it helps if they aren’t fat. Which, I know a lot of larger folk that have amazing voices, but I assume it’s easier to get your foot in the door if you’re not (no pun intended, lol). Knowing how great I’ll feel when I transform my body could be the motivation I guess.

Okay. So, after my night class lastnight, I decided to stop at the OK House to see a few of my friends. I had lots of fun singing their small selection of Kareoke songs. I talked for a bit with a few of the people there… While there, I got a lovely idea from my friend Lillian. She mixed a bit of hot chocolate mix with the coffee in her cup.. I decided to try it, and I loved it. So much that I had a total of five mugs of it.

Which made for a sleepless night, and symptoms of caffeine overdose, I found out early this morning. I read a bunch of stuff about caffeine all around the internet…
I would have only had about 500mg of caffeine total, and that’s nowhere near the amount to be harmful, just a little annoying. Plus, my acid reflux has been acting up a bit anyway… Caffeine can aggrivate it a bit, but even decaf coffee can set it off, so that’s probably why it’s bothering me today. Well, that and the fact that I didn’t get any sleep whatsoever lastnight, and I was only able to pull off a 10-20 minute nap today (I have trouble sleeping when it’s light out, even if I cover up my eyes, it’s weird).

But, yeah. I just wanted to get a little update out there.

Still no word on the K-mart or hospital cafeteria jobs, but I’m remaining hopeful. If I got the cafeteria job, I’d have health insurance. If my acid reflux were still bothering me more than normal, I could make an appointment to get some more of the medication I was given for it when I first discovered I had it.

So. Despite my eyes being a bit dry, and having a headache, I am in good spirits.

Until I have something else interesting happen to me, au revoir.

Please please tell me now, is there something I should know? Is there something I should say that would make you come my way? Do you feel the same, ’cause you don’t let it show…

-Duran Duran, “Is there something I should know”.

This is it. IT. I’ve had it. I really have.

Once again, Tim made plans to possibly hang out tonight.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt weather they deserve it or not. In this case, turns out he didn’t. I’ve heard excuses before as to why he was unable to see me. They may well have been feasable reasons, but tonight, I’ve had it. Tim told me yesterday he was free today, and he’d like to see me. I said, sure. I’ve been torked off at him lately because I hardly ever get to talk to or see him, but I went with it. I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers that didn’t need to be ruffled, or something. I’m not sure.

But anyway. So, I’ve been texting him on and off today because the git can’t seem to answer his phone. He’s at the phone to text, so why can’t he just call instead? Or answer his goddam phone? But I digress.

So, I’m watching “Night at the Museam” on HBO, and I pick up my phone to check if he’s texted me, and two seconds later he texts me ‘He’s thinking of me, but he can’t, he doesn’t want to get me sick”.

Now, I don’t know if this is an excuse or a valid reason, because when I talked to him on the phone yesterday, he sounded like Death’s phone operator. Okay, so maybe not that bad, but he did sound like he’d been sick for a bit. 

Still. With a couple exceptions, every time we make plans to hang out, he’s got a reason why we can’t. [This same thing happened with Jacob, but since I figured Jacob was a liar, for all I know he could have been lying when he said we couldn’t hang out.]
You heard about some of these things in a previous entry. Bad weather, I have to study, I have homework, I have to get my car’s oil changed, yadda yadda yadda.

Okay, first of all, if you really liked me, and really, truly wanted to see me, you’d skip a bit of homework or studying. If you can always, always pick schoolwork over seeing me, you apparently don’t want to see me badly enough. End of story, thank you, good night.

I understand putting your studies first, I really do, but nobody is that inhuman. Nobody. At least nobody I’ve ever met.

Anyway. Onward to my point. This is the final straw and I’ll tell you why. I am not going to keep trying to make plans with you, and get my hopes up so high, only for you to give me stupid reasons as to why you can’t see me. Is it because 1), you really have other obligations, 2), because you don’t want to hang out but don’t want to be a man and tell me, or 3), is it because there is somebody you don’t want me knowing exists?

Now, if you know me at all, you know my mind will automatically go to the worst option, even if I don’t know if it’s the truth or not. In the past, it turns out the worst option has actually been somewhat justified, both with Jacob and the travesty, sad excuse for a human being that Chad turned out to be. Still. I don’t think it’s really fair to assume the worst with everyone; it’s like I don’t want to let my past experiences taint my future ones.

And, even when I write this now, I don’t know. Tim may be geniunely concerned about getting me sick, I don’t know. Still. I would assume he wouldn’t even make tentative plans if he was that sick.

Honestly. I wanted to believe in him. He is polite and can sometimes be sweet, so I wanted to give him a chance.

But, in addition to texting all the time, yet not talking on the phone much, he has asked on more than one occasion if I will, have intimate relations with him, if you will. Now, I’ve politely turned him down, and he’s of course said stuff like ‘he didn’t want to rush me, he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable’, and all that jazz, but.. he’s a man. Even though they may deny it, most men only think about getting in somebody’s pants. It’s men. It’s in their nature. A good portion of them are driven by getting laid. So, all this may just be a ploy to get an easy lay.

And, I’m sorry. I might be really ugly, and kinda fat, but not even the cow that I am has to put up with that shit.

Even as I type this, I still don’t know for sure. And frankly, even the accused get a chance to defend themselves, so if Tim suddenly realizes he has the balls to call me back after the text and the voice message I left him, I’ll hear him out, but…

It’s as simple as this. I can’t keep trying and trying. I can’t keep being so flexible and accomidating if he can’t return the favor. I’m being so nice and accomidating for him… I offer to drive and meet him, I offer to drive to NIACC just to see him. I do all these things, and he blows me off for schoolwork, or because he’s had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive?

How can I believe him? Keep in mind, this is speculation, and I will give him a chance to defend himself, but seriously.

I think I’m just going to tell him straight.

You’re not going to get it easy. If I ever give it to you, you’ll have to WORK for it. If you keep needing to put schoolwork and everything else in your life above me, then we’re just going to have to forget it until the summer when you’d have more time, because I will not wait for you forever. Don’t think for one second that I will sit around and wait forever. I have needs too, and if you can’t return me the favor or do the same for me, then to Hell with you. Go find some stupid, floozie bimbo who will give it away, because it will NOT be me.  I don’t want to sound pushy, but sometimes, you have to put your friends and possible significant others above schoolwork and such. There are things that are more important than school.

Such as, PEOPLE.

Wake up and smell the coffee, Tim. You’re THIS close to losing me. If you keep pulling this shit, you will lose me. And I won’t look back. I deserve somebody that will actually talk to me, and not just text me all the time. I deserve somebody who will not have sex on their mind 24/7 (it’s rude to ask that when you know me so little, it makes me think that’s all that you want).

I’m sorry. As I said before, I’ll give him a chance to defend himself, but I’m not sure I can continue being blown off like this. I don’t have to stand for it, and I won’t. Not anymore. I won’t be the polite, accomidating kind if you can’t return the favor. Either suck it up, or move on, because you won’t find the wilting flower who will wait around for you here, bud.

“You don’t even know
how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry…”

‘Cry’ by Godley and Creme.

I’ve got a wall around me that you can’t even see…

-“Something so right”, by Paul Simon.

Well, hello there. I’d say all that crap about how it’s been so long, but that seems to be how I begin every entry.

Today finds me waiting for a job interview. I applied at K-mart some time last week or the week before.

Now, earlier this week, somebody from K-mart called me and wanted to set up an interview. That interview is today at 1pm, and I’m super nervous. I need this job exceedingly badly.

What I have to tell you is, there is another job I’m hoping for. A friend I have works in the cafeteria at Mercy hospital, and I applied there. She told me she talked to her supervisor and he told her I pretty much had the job, they just had to go through background checks and shit, and all that could take a month. If I didn’t tell you, my parents did tell me I was out of the house if I didn’t have a job by the end of February, but my father told me I wouldn’t get kicked out if I was looking.

But yeah. Side story over. K-mart interview. I’m wearing my nice peachy colored shirt, and black jeans that I just washed this morning. My 22 inches of hair is down and awesome looking, I just washed it like, two hours ago.

I’m just exceedingly nervous. I am always nice and courteous when I go to interviews, and yet, only a select few of them have actually gotten me hired. What really bothers me is all the hypothetical questions. Like, “Tell me about a time where you…blah blah blah”. It’s like, sometimes I feel like they base who they hire more on how people play their stupid little game of 20 Questions more than who is actually qualified to do the job. I’m afraid that if I don’t give them the right answer (the one they’re looking for, anyway) I won’t get the job. Which is just stupid.

I know I’m inflating this, my nervousness and fears tend to be over the top a lot. I’m sure that after I’m done, I’ll say to myself “How stupid, why was I so nervous before hand?”

Here is a reason why getting this job would be beneficial. You know my digital camera died, right? The screen is cracked, and it’s stuck on video mode. Anyway. Let’s say I get this job. And let’s say they only pay me 6 bucks an hour. If I worked five hours a day, five days a week, I’d make roughly 150 bucks. Even with tax taken out, in my first five days of working, I’d make more than enough to buy my camera back. I need my camera back, because I am honestly going more and more insane every day that I can’t take pictures. It’s like my insanity is a snowball, and every day I can’t take pictures, the snowball rolls farther down the hill and gets larger and larger.

With the estimated money, I’m being stingy, I’m guessing I’d definately get paid more than 6 bucks an hour. Even if I didn’t, I’d be working more than five hours a day, and working five days a week could be the minimum…. So I’m guessing I’ll make more money than my meager estimation. Still.

Think of it. If I worked at least five days a week, and saved 95% of my money, in a month or two, I would have enough money to start looking for an apartment, keeping in mind that I’d be telling the landlord I might possibly have somebody else move in with me. I’ve told one of my friends (she knows who she is) that if I got an apartment, I’d offer to let her stay with me, since she too is looking to get out of her house.

With two people, it would be much easier to cover the bills and everything.

See why I’m so nervous? There is a lot riding on this job interview today, I only hope that somebody is looking out for me today.

And this is coming from the staunch agnostic, ‘anti uptight Christians’ person.

Yeah. 

I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello….

Well, this is just fucking fantastic. Fucking great.

I was talking to Tim yesterday, and we made plans to hang out today after he got home. He had gone to Wisconsin for somebody’s funeral. He got caught in a bit of bad weather, but he made it back alright.

Thing is, he’d had a few drinks and didn’t want to drive here. And. I asked where I’d be meeting him. Somewhere in Belmond. Which is fine, I actually know how to get there now, I just wanted to know specifically where I’d meet him.

And all of a sudden he stops answering texts, and I tried calling him at least 10 times, and all I got was his goddam answerphone.

That’s just fucking great. It seems like, every goddam time I try to hang out with him, something happens.

Bad weather. Happened more than once.
Oh, I have to study.
I have lots of homework.
I have to pick up my kids.
Or whatever else. Is it so bad to want to hang out with somebody instead of just wracking up a text message bill, or IMing on the computer? I mean, it’s even nice just to talk to him on the phone, but still. Is it so awful to want to actually SEE somebody? You could have just waited to drink until I got there. Or you could have picked me up, and we could have had a few drinks somewhere. But no.

I had an outfit planned. I even planned how I was going to do my hair, and he’s all of a sudden not answering his text messages and voicemails?

Although. He did warn me that sometimes when he drinks he gets a bit rowdy sometimes, and he didn’t want to put me in a spot like that, but I told him that didn’t matter.

If he had too much to drink and passed out or something, then I mean, it’s still his fault for drinking that much, but he can’t very well answer his phone if he’s sleeping. Still.

He could have at least called me before he drank, so we could set up a plan, but I guess I just won’t see him.

Why does this have to happen all the time? Is it so much to ask to actually see him? I mean, sure, I saw him at school a couple times, but maybe for an hour, TOTAL. And, I did go to a bar with him once for a couple hours, but other than talking on the phone and texting, I never get to even have contact with him. He works night shifts, and is a full time student. With those two things and sleeping, I feel like I don’t get to see him enough. How can this develop into anything if I can’t ever see him?

Why is it always me that’s left sitting at home by myself, pathetically crying, playing the song “Yesterday” by the Beatles over and over….

Seriously. Shit like this is why I never, ever get my hopes up. Because nothing ever works out, so why build up your hopes only to have them come crashing down around you? Why be optimistic, because shit like this always happens to me, even when I try to stay hopeful.

So thanks a lot, life. I love you too.