Day 172.

I got shit for sleep last night, and here’s why.

There was a gigantic spider on my ceiling last night. And some other little crawly creature.

It’s a pretty silly reason looking back on it, but at the time it was incredibly distracting.

I have shed a great deal of my childhood paranoia with non stinging insects, but the one place that they can still get to me is my bedroom. I don’t care where else in the house, but if they’re in my bedroom, they die.

Last night, I got to bed later than I intended anyway, and then to make matters worse, I saw a huge spider on my wall. It was just staying put so I didn’t pay it a whole lot of attention. I was too busy staring at this little crawly thing that kept darting around my ceiling. Well, I finally smashed it behind a picture of Masi Oka that I tore out of a magazine once and has been hanging on my wall ever since.

I got up at midnight to get a glass of water, then I went back up to bed.

Then I noticed the gigantic, soul crushing spider had started moving around, and that it was uncomfortably fast.

It settled in a crease where the ceiling and wall meet… a section that just happened to be right above my bed.

I sat on my bed for over half an hour, staring at it, trying to get the courage to kill it.

I finally did kill it, with my copy of Poe’s “Tales of Mystery and Imagination”, just so I could say “Quoth the raven nevermore, fucker!”

Of course, it took me for-fucking-ever to get to sleep, so that was great.

The paper route went all right, but I was kind of sleepy. I was awake enough to take a few pictures of the carnival rides before anything was open. I went right to bed when I got back home, but I didn’t manage anything better than a light doze.

It was for that reason that most of my day was spent staring into space in the direction of my computer screen. I did manage to eek out a drawing inspired by Peter Gabriel’s song “Mother of Violence”, which you should listen to because it’s fucking genius.

Trust me on this one.

Anyway. The only time I got out of the house today was when I went with mom to do a bit of light grocery shopping. At Fareway, we were in the express lane and they kept having all sorts of problems with the register, and there was an old lady in front of us who was super slow at writing out a check. Then this ass of a skinny old man got in line behind my mom and I and started whistling the Jeopardy theme, and singing the fucking ABCs. I had to get out of line and wait for mom to be rung up.

Yeah dude. It’s one thing to think to yourself  ‘Wow, this is taking forever’ but most decent people DON’T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING. It’s rude. And being an impatient little bitch isn’t going to make the cash register magically not have any problems, and it’s not going to make that little old lady buying two yogurts, two cans of root beer, and sunblock write out her check faster. And you certainly won’t be popular with the cashier once it’s your turn, jackass.

Sorry. I am sleep deprived and I have another two hours until it will be dark enough to get to bed. So perhaps I should get on with the entry.

+I had a couple licorice strands at 5am when I got up for the paper route.
When I got back home afterwards I went right back to bed, and then ate my legit breakfast at around 9. It was a bowl of kix cereal.

+A sandwich on bagel thins (thin sliced turkey, homemade mushroom spread, with a thin slice of farmer cheese, and some raw spinach. I ate a little raw spinach with some ranch (it was the fat free ranch, and it is not that great. It's okay when you mix half full fat ranch with half fat free ranch though.

+Beef and noodles, with some carrot sticks.

I also had a chocolate creme egg (bought it at the Russel Stover store in Minnesota last week), two pieces of molasses cake, a couple licorices, and a chocolate caramel heart.

I'm not going to lie. I feel like shit about what I ate today. There's nothing I can do at this point except move forward. I shouldn't dwell on it, either. The bars we made last week are almost gone, the cake is almost gone, there isn't much candy or anything, so there won't be much temptation in that respect, but... I was doing so well. I feel like today and yesterday were almost like a subconscious rebellion against healthy eating or something.
I mean, granted, it's not like I completely derailed or anything, but... I could have done much better.

Tomorrow I'll be back on track. I'll feel better once I get more sleep, too.


I’m going to charge my mp3 player and phone a bit, and shit, I might even play some Sims 2 before bed. Don’t know.

Have a good evening.

Day 171.

Because I am a creature of balance, today’s entry is going to be far less eloquent than yesterday’s.

It may be that I only read a chapter of a new mystery book I checked out, or it could just be because I am in that evening funk I seem to get in sometimes. I’m also sweating like crazy for some reason, even though it’s cooled off. It is a bit stuffy in here, but the only other time I sweat all day *including my two bike rides* was when I did a bit of weeding in my garden.

Eh. I’ve been all around more cheerful and less depressed for a while now, but it’s things like that that make the lows seem even worse. When I was getting them regularly it wasn’t so bad but now when a melancholy mood hits it seems to throw more weight around.

Speaking of which, I weighed myself and I swear I was back to like 248. I know. It’s only a three pound difference from when I weighed myself a couple days ago but it’s kind of driving me nuts.

I’m trying to avoid giving myself a complex about weight. I know you fluctuate a few pounds of water weight and the like, and I know you shouldn’t be obsessed with weighing yourself.

The thing is, I know some of my clothes fit better. Some far too small shirts I bought on sale long ago in the vain hope that I’d be able to fit into them some day… well some of those shirts fit better than they have before. Some of them I can almost fit into well enough to wear them out.

I can feel that I’m getting stronger and that my back can handle a lot more before it starts to ache. I’m making better choices about what I eat and how much (although there’s room for improvement, as always). I know things are changing so I shouldn’t be obsessed with the scale.

It’s hard though. It’s hammered into our heads day and night that we have to be thin and perfect to be happy. I know for a fact that’s not true, but it’s been so ingrained in our culture that the thinking can be hard to reject.

Anyway, I don’t feel like rambling so I’m going to get on with it.


+a bowl of lucky charms.

+A half cup of cottage cheese, and some cucumber.

+A sandwich with some mushroom spread, some thin sliced turkey, and some cucumbers. I also had a few extra cucumber slices and some cottage cheese.

Also today, I had a brownie, and a bar.

I believe that’s all. Now, I have an art blog to throw together and then I’ll be in bed. I’m rather bored and exhausted all of a sudden.

Day 170.

Well, today has been quite an interesting day. Interesting in that it’s been pretty normal. But, hey. Sometimes normal can be interesting.

Can you tell I’ve been reading a book? I usually feel more eloquent when I’ve been reading. It’s a cute mystery book from 1975 (wait… can a mystery book be cute? Whatever) and it’s pretty enthralling. I may have to look up other such books by the author, whose name escapes me at the moment. And I’m too lazy to go get the book from the other room.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at 5am, deciding that I would just eat lunch early as a result. The paper route went off without a hitch, save for listening to Cee Lo Green’s “F**k you” a million times. It’s such a catchy song. I’d love terribly to go on a kareoke date with that man. It would be so damn awesome.

I see I’ve gone off on a tangent again. The paper route. Without a hitch. As I said, I ate lunch early, about 11 (I usually eat at noon or after). Did some dishes. We’ve got a big PFLAG to do to worry about. We picked this month’s meeting to bring snacks, but they’re having a speaker that’s expected to bring about quite a large crowd. In short, I think my mom made two different kinds of bars, some chex mix, and some lemonade. I made oatmeal cookies and frosted them with homemade buttercream frosting.

They were supposed to be sandwich cookies, but as it is we’re expecting a bunch of people, and having to make double the cookies would be a bit of a strain. Not just on me because I’d have to make extra, but on my parents, who paid for all the ingredients.

The buttercream frosting was supposed to have cinnamon in it, but I forgot to put that in, so I figure… they can do without. Or I can always bring the cinnamon when we head to the meeting and sprinkle it on last minute.

Anyway. I had the cookies and the frosting made up a couple days ago, but I waited until today to go about actually frosting the cookies.

I just realized how often I am tempted to use the word “anyway”. I should perhaps try to curb that.

And the swearing. I swear far too much, but I’m afraid that’s one of those bad habits that people will just have to learn to tolerate if they want to be friends with me.

Moving on, then. I have a terrible habit of droning on and on.

+A small piece of cheese and part of a 90 calorie package of thin sliced beef.

Four salt water taffy pieces

+My half southwest chicken wrap left over from the restaurant, along with some restaurant chips.

+A grilled cheese with a bit of roast meat inside. Also a few cucumber slices, and a piece of molasses cake.

I also had a cookie and a piece of chocolate candy...

I do apologize for the weird tiny font when it comes to the food, but I’ve taken to journaling in a notepad document throughout the day, then I just copy/paste it into the wordpress journal window. Laziness. The big L, my dad would call it.

Anyway, I do suppose I should log off and put some makeup on, even though we may not leave the house until 6:30.  Usually, when it comes to being to something on time, my mother and I are rushing about the house, and I figure if I get some of that done ahead of time, we won’t have to freak out when it comes time to head to the meeting.

Day 169.

I wasn’t home much today. I got up at 4:30 or so to deliver newspapers, then we sat around for a few hours. Then my mother, brother, and I went to Medford, MN to shop. We usually shop there once or twice a year, so it’s an all day thing.

Claires was having an amazing sale on red ticket items so… get this. I got two slouchy knit hats, a pair of lacey fingerless gloves, and a multipack of 12 pairs of earrings for 11 dollars total. Eleven fricking dollars. Normally the gloves alone would be 7, and the earring multipack would be at least 10. And each of the hats could have easily cleared 8-9 bucks. So it was awesome.

Also, I bought two sweet pea scented shampoos at Bath & Body Works (they were on sale for 3 bucks a piece). At Rue 21, I got this 2 dollar novelty rubber cuff bracelet that says “Adonis DNA”. I burst out laughing at least three different times in the store while I was carrying the bracelet around, debating on whether or not I should buy it.

Mom rolled her eyes when she saw it, but I like it dammit.

Also I got my birthday present early. It’s a tan trenchcoat from Old Navy. It was 17 bucks. I only brought 40 with me. I liked it a lot but the price was just… 17 bucks isn’t a bad deal for a trench but I have so little money. My brother offered to buy it, and then mom stepped in.. and basically it’s my birthday present.

The weather probably won’t allow me to wear the coat until after my birthday anyway.

The one let down of the day was… the Harry & Davids store was gone.

Also, I was mad, because the mandolin slicers at the kitchen store were too expensive. I almost bought a ten dollar mortar and pestle… but the only thing I could think of that I need it for would be to crack peppercorns. There are lots of other things you can do with it, but I decided against it this time. Most of my time in that store was lamenting about not being able to buy the frickin 200 dollar kitchenaid mixers. I WANT ONE. One with flames painted on it like Alton Brown has. XD

Anyway. I suppose I should get to the food. I still have an art blog entry to throw together.


+A waffle, with a little syrup, a few strawberries, and some blueberries, with a dollop of whipped topping.

+We were shopping, so for lunch I had a few mini donuts and a few swigs of orange soda.

+We ate at a restaurant… I had half a southwest chicken wrap, and some fries. I saved half my sandwich to eat for lunch tomorrow.

Also, I had a couple pieces of salt water taffy, and a bite or two of a strawberry creme filled chocolate heart. Not bad when you consider I biked this morning for the paper route lugging around a legit 30+ pounds of Sunday paper, and then I walked around all day shopping.

Day 168.

I’m not sure I’ve got much to ramble on about, but that’s never bothered me before. XD

Today was… just a day. I woke up at 4:30 for some ungodly reason. Actually, I woke up at 4. I rolled over and decided to sleep for an hour, since my alarm was set for 5am. Well, I woke up half an hour later and just decided to get up.

I picked up some trash by the lake when I was done with my route. I wasn’t going to, but I decided to swing by there anyway. And I was glad I did because I found two complete pairs of socks and a couple handfuls of other random trash. I also decided to buy a can of soda for myself, and I bought a can of strawberry soda for my brother since he likes it so much.

Other than that… I biked to the store to buy butter, and I made some oatmeal cookies.

We signed up to take treats to the PFLAG (It’s like a gay straight alliance) meeting this month, and since we’re having a somewhat popular speaker, we’re expecting a larger turnout than normal, so we’ve made a bunch of things. Mom has made chex mix, two kinds of bars, and lots of lemonade. I’m in charge of the oatmeal cookies. There is buttercream frosting to go on them, and usually they would be sandwich cookies, but since we’re expecting so many people, we’re not going to double them up. I’ve already made like 62 cookies.

But… yeah. That’s pretty much it. Tomorrow I have to deliver the huge ass Sunday papers, so I can’t say I’m looking forward to that, but what I am looking forward to is… the Styx/REO/Journey tribute band I saw in the park last summer is playing in the park again this summer, and they’re playing on the 29th. I’m sooo looking forward to that.

The drummer gave me a drumstick last year… so maybe this year I’ll get another so I have a complete pair.  I wonder if he’ll remember me. XD

Anyway, I’m off to do arty things and listen to youtube videos until bed so… good night.


+A piece of pizza and a handful of goldfish at 5am.

+Cucumber slices and farmer cheese.And some goldfish

+A hamburger (using one slice of bread only) with some cucumbers and farmer cheese, and a half cup of rice.

I also had a few blueberry licorices, two bars, and one piece of molasses cake.


Day 167

I have had this song stuck in my head for hours.

I am tempted to apologize for forcing this this Peter Gabriel overload upon you, but… I’m not sorry at all. I’m actually quite amazed as to why I didn’t pay attention to his music before. I can’t stress enough how long it’s been since an artist has inspired me so much.

But anyway. I’ve already done a fair amount of rambling all around the internet so I don’t really feel like going on and on here.

+Some goldfish at 5am, before my paper route.
+After I got home I had a small bowl of lucky charms.

+slices of cucumber, with tiny pieces of farmer cheese

+A sandwich with half a 90 calorie pack of thin sliced beef, some sliced cucumbers, and farmer cheese. With that, I ate... cucumber slices. I'm in a very cucumber mood right now in terms of what I want to eat.

Over the course of the day, I had a couple of these caramels that are like the cow tails candy, but not the tails.
I also had a few blueberry licorice strands. And a bar.


Also, I’d like to direct you to my art blog.

If you’d be so kind as to give it a look I would be ever so grateful.

Now, I’m off to listen to Peter Gabriel on youtube until I decide it’s time to pass out in bed.

Day 166.

Uh… yeah. I don’t have a whole lot to say about today.

I cashed my first newspaper check. I bought a few small grocery items… case in point, my total was 5 bucks.

I also took the liberty of buying myself a new sketchbook and two new sharpie pens. They didn’t cost much more in town than they would have in Mason City so I don’t feel bad.

I want to set aside a little bit for the carnival which will be in town in about a week, and I also want to buy some new sunglasses. The rest will be sent in as a payment on my fine.

I’ve also been listening to nothing but Peter Gabriel today. There was a short expanse of time during delivering the paper where I listened to other things, but the remainder of the day that I was on the computer, I was looking up new Peter Gabriel songs.

I’ve fixated on this one for today.

It’s a great song, and it’s really intense.



+An egg and a half, scrambled, with some onion and a tiny bit of chicken.

+Some cucumber slices, with little pieces of farmer cheese on top

Before dinner, I ate the rest of the cucumber slices just on their own. If the cucumbers are still like 63 cents a piece at econo foods tomorrow, I’m going to get a few more. They’re usually like 99 cents each.

+Two pieces of pizza.

Then a bowl of popcorn while watching Return of the Jedi.

I also had a tall chai tea latte from cabin coffee. I had 3 bucks left on my card so I ended up only paying like a buck in cash.

I’m going to put up an art blog entry and then get in bed a tad early… so when I lie in bed for 20 minutes and listen to music/text people, it won’t be so bad. XD

Day 165.

Today was… interesting.

My brother had a beach party planned for today and a couple of his friends were going to hang out at home for a tiny bit so naturally my parents freaked out about the state of the house. This resulted in yelling at me at 7 am. And that doesn’t even count the best part.

Well, first I should say that when I got back from delivering the paper at like 6:20, my dad was in a weird mood where he acts really rude and annoying to everyone but he finds it hilarious and when I said “Dad I don’t appreciate you being so rude to me but I would appreciate it if you would stop.” he basically said “Bite me.”.

So, at like 7am, the parents had an argument about how bad I am at finding a real job… right in front of me. And saying things like “Shouldn’t her priority be getting a real job, not just a shopper route?” and the other parent replying “Well you know how good she is at finding a real job.”. While I’m in the same goddam room. So that set the tone for the day.

Then when my brother started getting things ready for his beach party, the parents were just being stupid and having arguments and stressing my brother and I out.

It was kind of rainy and gray out, but we had fun at the beach party anyway. We could have just done without the yelling and stress and all that shit.


+I had a piece of soda bread before I delivered papers, but I had a bowl of cereal afterwards at like 7am or so.

+There wasn’t really a proper lunch at the party. I had a little potato salad, several cookies, some chips, and some goldfish. And lots of Sprite. And non alcoholic margarita mix.

+Chicken, with potatoes and carrots, and some lettuce. Also, the filling for what would have been a strawberry jello pie, but we didn’t have enough time for the filling to set, so we just crushed up graham crackers in a bowl and put the filling and whipped topping on top.


I’m going to run off and see if I can post my art blog. I’ve had today’s picture ready since about 8am, but blogger is acting strange and the pictures won’t show up when I try to post them.

If I get that working, I’ll do some dishes and probably be in bed before too awfully long. I’m tired.

Day 164.

Today was a pretty decent day, but I already talked about it in my art blog. I was about to go to bed, only to walk in the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes so I had to do those. THEN I came in here and was about to post one last facebook status and go to bed before I realized FUCK, I haven’t done a food blog yet. So here it is. Don’t expect any bells or whistles.

I’m tired. I was going to stay up and sketch a bit and watch youtube videos, but I just noticed how tired  I am. I enjoy delivering papers, but as a result I don’t get enough sleep. I get 6 hours of sleep a night, if I’m lucky. I’ve tried napping when I get home after the route and sometimes that works, but usually it’s too light out and there is too much noise. And I start to think about all the stuff I have to do that day and it keeps me awake.


Anyway. I’m going to get on with this so I can hopefully catch some shut eye a little sooner than I normally do.

+Bowl of cereal

+A veggie burger, a small salad with raw spinach leaves, a bit of cheese, and some croutons, some pretzels, and 3 red vines.

+A very thin slice of strip steak, and a piece of soda bread. I also had a bit of this cherry cobbler stuff that I made ages ago (it had been in the freezer for ages and we just recently got it out).

Also, I had a glass of Coke zero today, and a glass of kool aid with a little less than 3/4th cup of sugar when it calls for one cup. I’ve tried only putting half a cup of sugar in, but I can’t cut it back any further than around 3/4 of a cup or it just tastes weird.

Day 163.

Today was a pretty good day, actually.

I got rained on the entire paper route this morning, and I didn’t really care. I rather enjoyed myself, actually. It wasn’t a torrential downpour like the other time I got rained on, so I could handle it.

I had a lot of time to myself today, which was kind of fun.  I sang loudly and danced around the house.

At around 3, I wanted to bike somewhere but didn’t want to go just to buy a soda. I decided to look for Fred Astaire movies at the library. I ended up checking out three movies with him in and one with Gene Kelly in it.

When I caught that Fred Astaire movie the other day, it kind of put me in a mood for older movies. I watched Let’s Dance today, and I just think Fred Astaire has a painfully adorable face. How can you say no to a face like that? Oh man.


I weighed myself today, not expecting a whole lot of change, but the scale read 245, when I’ve weighed 250 for ages now. I know it’s only five pounds and one or two could be water weight, but it was kind of encouraging.

Also, when I went to the library, and then to the store for soda, I wore a pair of size 20 jeans I haven’t worn outside for years. They’re still kind of snug, but not obscenely so, and they’re not painful to wear.

If I keep going at that rate, I should fit into my senior prom dress by Halloween. And if I keep on with the paper route, I should actually have some money to go to a bar or something. I would like to see if the one I used to work at is having anything, but I think the building is up for sale so I don’t know how much business they’re getting.

I haven’t worked there since 2009, but I miss it terribly. I miss the people, the kitchen, hanging after work, playing music on the jukebox… I just miss everything. It was easily my favorite real job. I know I should probably be setting higher goals for myself than being a dishwasher at a bar, but there’s something I miss about the whole thing. Also, I am kind of desperate for a job so I have to take what I can get.

But anyway.


+A bowl of kix cereal, with dark chocolate almond milk… I also threw some blueberries and sliced strawberries in. It tasted divine and it was filling.

+A few chunks of chicken on a soft shell taco, with some lettuce in as well. Also had the last of the homemade fries I made, with some cheese on top.

+A grilled cheese sandwich with spinach leaves inside, and a bowl of tomato soup made with milk, and I also threw in some dried basil and some garlic salt. I didn’t add as much liquid as you’re supposed to but that was on purpose. I didn’t want the soup too runny.

I also had a greek cookie thing, some animal crackers, and a few red vines. And a glass of Coke Zero.

I already submitted my art blog today, so I don’t have that looming over my head. I’ll probably just mess about on facebook or something before I hit the hay for the night.