Wow I’m bored.

BLAH.

It’s been rainy and shitty and cold out for like 3 days and I guess we’re supposed to have a couple more days of same. Meh. Today has been decent so far. The roommate and I watched some netflix and then went to walmart. I guess she’s planning on moving in with her fiance soon. I guess she’ll still be paying rent for May, and then we need to find out exactly when roommate #3 is going to be moving in. Also around that time we’ll need to switch over the bill paying accounts. Although we split bills equally they are still technically in her name, so I usually just get cash from an ATM and then give to her, to cover my portion.

Nothing to be anxious about, it’s just yet another “first” on the large list of them I’ve been going through lately. I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to work this.

I mean, it’s not like roommate number 1 is moving out tomorrow or anything but I’m just getting nervous. I don’t know what roommate #3’s work situation is, and even though she’s committed to moving in I still have this fear that she’ll change her mind and then I’ll be screwed. I just still have this underlying fear that even though I did move out of my parents’ house that something will happen and I’ll get kicked out and have nowhere to go

I still haven’t met the landlord, so I’ll need to do that. Some time before she moves in with her man (I wish she knew exactly when this was going to happen so I wouldn’t have to wonder). We’ll have to cancel our current mediacom service and then I’d have to sign up in my name, which is all the same to me since roommate #3 will need wifi service anyway (we currently only have wired internet). Which then leads me to contemplate the matter of, whose computer will be the one with wired service and which one will be getting wifi? Because I don’t really want to have my computer in the living room (where the roommate’s laptop is currently hooked up) but I’m pretty sure that roommate #3 has a laptop and she’ll need that in her room, and to take to college classes (she’s going to the local community college after she graduates HS).

Which I mean, I only really want my computer in my room anyway to piss around on the internet before bed, and if we’ve got wifi I can just do that on my phone.

I guess I’m just nervous. With unemployment I will only be getting 76 a week. I’ll be looking for part time work not just for the extra money but for something to do, but that will mean I’ll get less from unemployment, and that I’ll have to keep my work hours under 30 a week or I won’t be eligible for unemployment anymore… and you can be damn sure I’m taking every unemployment cent I’m eligible for. They owe it to me and every other person that lost their job when the store closed.

Ugh. I guess it’s just normal in life to worry about things you’ve never done before, or other unknowns. I just wish I was better at handling anxiety like this when it hits.

Speaking of which, mother’s day is coming up and I found mom a card, but I don’t know if I want to spend the money to ship her present (it’s not that big and doesn’t weigh much at all) or wait until the family visits to give it to her.  Because I mean, the money I’ll get from unemployment will just barely cover my portion of the rent, and my portion of the bills, with almost nothing left over.

Which is why I suppose I should be looking for a job and not pissing around writing a blog entry, but I was just on monster.com 2 days ago and there wasn’t shit for jobs. I hate that stupid website anyway, you set your search to “within 5 miles of [my zipcode]” and  3 pages into the results you’ll be getting job listings in cities that are over an hour away. Maybe if these jobs were paying like 10 bucks an hour, but most of it is minimum wage crap.

Ugh. Perhaps I’ll go to the library tomorrow to look at a newspaper, as an excuse to actually get myself to leave the house. The thing I miss about my old town is that the library was within walking distance. Here, it’s not that far away, but it’s too far to walk when the weather is shitty and rainy and cold like this. Maybe when the weather starts actually getting nice I could manage it, but by then I’ll probably have a part time job so I won’t feel like walking.

Bah. Anxiety again. I’m going to go find something to take my mind off it.

To do tomorrow.

Eh. I figured writing a short bit about it would ease my anxiety.

So, I can’t remember if I said here or not, but I found out I can get 76 dollars a week from unemployment, which is about 300 a month. It’s enough to cover rent, and the monthly bills average 80-100 dollars a month. So money will still be really tight but I’ll have my portion of rent and bills and that was really my main worry.

Tomorrow we get our very last kmart check, so there are some things I need to do. Firstly, I need to go to the library to print off a couple copies of my very last kmart pay stub. I need two copies because I’ll need one copy to put with my food stamps application, and the second I’ll need for the unemployment people. I’m not going to be worried if I can’t get unemployment straight away this week, being my last kmart pay day and all. But I mean it wouldn’t hurt.

I also need to, as I mentioned, go turn in my application for food stamps. I really hope I don’t need my social security card and can just give them my social security number. If I need the card, it’s two hours away at my parents’ house, locked in a fireproof lockbox. So I really hope they don’t need the physical card, otherwise I’ll be making some phone calls to the parental units.

I’m also going to open up a checking account at the same bank my roommate uses because she’s had really good things to say about them, and truthfully I’m sick of banking with CL bank and trust. I can’t afford to have a minimum of 100 bucks I can’t use, tucked away in a savings account. The bank my roommate uses has a much lower limit. I guess it depends on exactly how much I get paid tomorrow. Which I can’t expect to be a whole lot.

I wish I could have taken care of some of this earlier. I mean I’m not sad I had an entire weekend to piss away but I literally spent the entire day in front of the computer yesterday and am well on my way to such today. It was shitty and thunderstormy for the entire morning (which I actually kind of enjoyed, to be honest) and even though the sun is out it’s still windy as shit out. I’m actually enjoying it because it makes me feel less bad about the fact thatI haven’t actually left the house once this entire weekend. Except earlier to pick up a couple of big tree branches that fell in our yard, but I’m not sure that counts since I didn’t actually leave the yard for that.

Sometimes that’s nice, though, for my biggest achievement today having been finishing all the episodes of Bob’s Burgers on netflix. I’m trying to think if I’m in the mood for a video game or to watch the last season of adventure time that’s on netflix. Oops. I promise tomorrow I’m actually going to be productive but for now I’ll enjoy being a slob

 

Had a pretty good day

Who’s the queen of creative blog titles? DUH ME

I was awake at like 6:45 for some ungodly reason even though my alarm was set for 8:30. To my amazement my roommate was home shortly after that. We had biscuits and gravy for breakfast. She then asked me if I wanted to go to garage sales with her since I guess this weekend is citywide garage sales, and I said yes. We went from garage sale to garage sale for six solid hours. I only spent like 9 bucks but I got a ton of stuff. We got an oval wall mirror for the house for two bucks, I got this really neat little jewelry box thing for like a dollar, I got a few casette tapes… I got a fucking smoothie maker for two dollars. And other little random items. It was great. Then the roommate and I ate at taco bell, and went to the mall, and claires was having a 10 for 10 dollars sale, so we each chipped in five bucks and picked out five things. Then we came home and watched once upon a time on hulu.

It was the most fucking fun I’ve had in ages.

I had been stressed as fuck that I could no longer log into the website I needed to log into to get my pay stubs, but a very patient I’m assuming Indian man helped me out on the phone. So on Monday I can go to the workforce development place and see about unemployment. Monday is also when we get our last kmart check (or rather mine goes on my paycard). I had been planning on doing that sort of stuff today but then the roommate and garage sales happened. Also, on Monday, I can go back to the DHS and see about getting farther on applying for food stamps. Well I mean before I do anything on Monday I’ll need to go to the library and print out my very last pay stub because that’s probably the one I’ll need BUT whatever.

I had been REALLY anxious about that shit so I feel a little better now.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this really. I was just kind of bored and my allergies are literally kicking my ass but benadryl makes me tired/act derpy pretty quick after taking it and I don’t really want to go to bed yet

My easter.

Most of it went rather well. My parents and sibling showed up around 11ish (not 10ish as I’d previously thought). We went out to eat at china buffet, which was fun (at the time). Then the folks took me to dollar tree and bought me a few things for my house (a bread pan so we can make banana bread, a couple kitchen towels, a loaf of bread, etc). Then we came back to hang out at my place for a bit. I wanted to give dad a chance to nap a little, and my sibling was dying to play skyrim. By then it had been long enough so we went out for slushies (the girl was new and did not know how to work the tropical sno machine, which was fine whatever). Then we went and hung out at the park for a bit. It was a fun day, overall.

Then, since I wanted to celebrate getting through 2 years and 7 months working a job I hate, I decided I would get drunk. Which didn’t even work that well because the apple pie shot the roommate’s mom made us (a whole apple juice jug full) was not as strong as I anticipated. It was more of a sustained buzz than anything else.

I then decided to finally watch boingo’s farewell concert on youtube. Except for a few sniffles during “we close our eyes” I made it through the entire concert without crying, until I got to the aftermath video, and on turned the waterworks, long after I was finished watching the thing on youtube. I have avoided watching this concert for a  long time. Mainly because I knew after watching it I would really have to admit that, although most of the members are still active in some way, the band is no longer a thing.

I know I say it all the time, but this band has been so important to me in just the 7 months I’ve known about them (I think it’s 7… I discovered them at the beginning of October last year) and I was just kind of getting emotional over it. Which I figured would happen.

Anyway, it was about then that I noticed that my abs really hurt. I attributed that to the fact that I wore high heels I almost never wear because I wanted to look good at easter dinner (even if it was just to a chinese buffet) but the pain persisted…all night long. I was up the entire night with the worst stomachache that I can remember. I kept having to get up like once an hour to use the bathroom, and a couple times I was sitting in there with the trash can in my lap because I was sure I was going to hork. I had to prop up a bunch of pillows and a couple oversized stuffed animals to sleep sitting up because the heartburn was marginally less awful while doing so. I don’t think I got any sustained sleep until like 8 or 9 am this morning.

I’ve still had to get up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself to the grocery store to get chicken broth, ginger ale, and some lemon ginger tea, and a couple of on sale cadbury creme eggs for when I feel like I can actually eat solid food without wanting to gag.

Honestly, I had to hold my breath when driving past a couple of restaurants because the smell was just nauseating. I thought about buying crackers but the thought of actually eating solid food is just disgusting.

The only reason I’m not trying to nap now is that I’m drinking some tea and although I’m no longer in danger of barfing everywhere my abs are still sore, which I’m guessing actually is from those heels I wore.

Honestly I think it was the shrimp I ate, because the other members of my family all ate similar food and none of them are sick, but I think I was the only one who ate some shrimp. Either way I have a feeling it’ll be quite a while before I feel like eating anything remotely Asian again. Which is great news for the 12 pack of ramen I bought the other day. Whatever.

I did want to be a part of my roommate’s 21st birthday celebration today, but I’m not sure what her folks have planned (and she’s not home so I can’t ask). Plus even if the nausea goes away I’m not sure I could stay awake that long. Plus I’ve officially got 2 bucks to my name until my final k-derp check in a week.

I think I’m going to either find another distraction or try to nap

Last work day eve.

So I’m sitting here on the eve of what will be my last day at work. It’s kind of weird to think about. It’s been such a habit for the last 2 years and 7 months to work at the same place. I mean, as I’ve stated before, I’m not really broken up about not having to go there ever again after tomorrow, but I’ll miss some of my coworkers. That being said, I’m scheduled noon-6 tomorrow, but nobody thinks we’ll even be open until 6. A coworker I was talking to estimated we’d close at about 3, which would suit me just fine to be honest. I really wished today was my last day. It felt like I had cinder blocks on my feet when I had to drag myself to work today.

I guess it’s just weird because this is the longest I’ve ever worked at one place. I need to start looking at options of what to do after my last paycheck from them, which would be not the Monday right after easter, but next Monday. Speaking of which. The house looks decent but there are a few last minute things that at this point I probably won’t do until early Sunday morning before the family arrives. Honestly I wouldn’t be all that embarrassed if they showed up on my doorstep now, but there are a few things that need tweaking. Plus I might clean the toilet. I decided to wait to do the dishes until tomorrow after dinner, so I can wash whatever dishes I use tomorrow and not have to worry about it. I actually might get my room somewhat presentable, because I’m sure my mom and sibling will be curious as to what it looks like. So maybe I should be doing that instead of pissing around online. Meh. I can do that Sunday morning while waiting for dishes to soak. All I have to do is pick up a few clothing items off the floor, and make my bed, basically.

I don’t know, I’m at that point of the night where I’m too tired to do anything, but it’s too early to go to bed. I literally wake up at 7:30 in the morning no matter what time I go to bed, and as I’ve said before I only need about 7 hours of sleep a night. I could always take a benadryl, I’d be ready for bed in like half an hour, but I’m trying to save those for when my allergies are really going nuts and I’m decent right now. I would have loved to taken one at work, but they make me dizzy and sometimes I act a little weird. Like last night I took one and 20 minutes later I was already forgetting words to songs I knew. Or I knew them but it’s like my mouth didn’t want to say the word. Which is…weird. Usually it takes longer to kick in.

Whatever. I’m going to go wash off my eyeliner and play minecraft for a bit or something.

I guess I’m posting twice in one day.

Since this blog is primarily for my own mental health anymore, I suppose it doesn’t matter if I fill it will droll bullshit.

Today, when I got to work I was actually in a good mood, then I think maybe 2 hours into my shift I had this one customer. First I rang up all her shit and hit total, and if you work at k-derp you will know that after you hit total, if the customer decides they don’t want something, we have to void the entire order and start over. I was already upset stressing about losing my job, but this just made it worse.

Then, after we re-rang all her shit and she paid, she then was bitching that something still hadn’t rung up right. Meanwhile, the lady behind said customer in line (they were together but with separate orders) bitched that this was why she didn’t come to this store and she was going to another line, and left the line in a huff. Like it’s my fucking fault it’s taking so long. I sniffled my way through like two other customers before taking my break early because I just couldn’t handle it.

Every time I think I’ve got a little more faith in humanity, I fucking go to work. I know coworkers said that once liquidation started, people would just get worse and worse, but never in my life have customers been so petty and rude. I’ve gotten bitched at for an item being 9 cents more than the customer thought it was. I get bitched at because they can’t read percentage signs and get mad that toys are 60 percent off but sleds are only 50 percent off and why wasn’t sled like item counted under toys as “they found it right next to a 60 percent off sign”.

And then we have people switching price tags. We’re already fucking closing, and everything is between 40-70 percent off… with jewelry being 80 percent off. And you have to fucking switch price tags. One day I heard someone even stole a price gun from behind the service desk and just started marking shit with whatever price they wanted. I never saw that but I heard it from fellow co workers.

It’s like jesus christ, you’d think it was enough that we were fucking going out of business, but people seem to want something for nothing.

The other day I had an old man argue that the bathrobe he was going to buy was supposed to be 3 dollars. Except those were 70 percent off, and the original price was 8.99. I even had the customer behind him in line telling him my math was correct and the bathrobe was ringing up for the right price. Because 9 bucks is too much for a fucking bathrobe, I guess. At one point I had to tell him “Sir, you can argue with me all you want but the bathrobe is ringing up at the correct price”.

I’m bad at math and even I can fucking figure that out.

It’s like I’ve said before. I really want to be a good person, I want to be nice, someone that people like, but holy shit I turn into a bitchy monster at work. Either that or I’m moping around trying not to cry because the goddamn place stresses me out so much.

I think once the store closes, when I go to apply for food stamps and other various assistance programs, I’m going to go to the mental health center and see if I qualify for discounted or free sessions because this anxiety shit is pissing me off and if I am going to function in adult society my anxiety cannot have this much fucking power over me.

I want to avoid taking drugs because I just would prefer to avoid it. I don’t want the side effects and I don’t want drugs to turn me into a zombie or change who I am or anything. And I don’t want to be dependent on anything. Plus, it’s not like I have the money for medications anyway.

Anyway, work ranting aside, I did manage to get a little bit of tidying up done in the living room. I want to clean the kitchen and living room more. The rest of the house I won’t really worry about, as I figure they’ll see the most of the kitchen/living room. The bathroom is still in decent shape but I may scrub the toilet. I’d do more tonight but I’m just physically and emotionally exhausted from work.

I only work noon-6pm on the last day, and I feel like a majority of the tidying up I want to do will probably be done then, or Sunday morning before the family gets here (dad said they’d be here around 10-ish) so I’ll be fine.

Anyway, I’m off to zone out a bit before I go to bed.

Easter plans.

I have an hour until work, and the roommate took her copy of Fable III to her boyfriend’s house. Long story, she left her keys in her boyfriend’s car and so she can’t actually come home until he gets off work. She got his mom to bring her here briefly to grab a few things. And the game was one of those things.

ANYWAY.

I have finally found out what the family is doing for easter. They’re picking up my sibling from the airport on the 19th, which is coincidentally also my workplace’s last day ever. I would go with but everyone has to work on the last day, which I think is rubbish but whatever.

Anyway, they’re picking up my sibling on the 19th (which is Saturday) and then on Sunday, they’re going to come here (around 10am-ish), and we’re going to go out for easter dinner and spend the day in town. Which means they will actually see the house, which means we (the roommate and I) need to clean the house.

Well. At least the living room and the kitchen. I couldn’t be arsed to do anything except dishes before work here, so I’m planning to tidy up a little bit after work. As long as the roommate is stuck at her boyfriend’s house (yeah they’re gonna get married in late June, but it’s just easier to call him her boyfriend) she’ll probably spend the night there anyway. Ugh. Talking about tidying up makes me wish I didn’t have to work so I could just start doing that shit now. Dad has already seen the place look like crap but it’ll be the first time the entire rest of my family will see it and I would at least like to make it look like we aren’t slobs. I mean, even if they don’t hang out here for very long.

Plus I’ve been meaning to tidy up anyway.  There’s still a ton of my stuff I haven’t bothered to unpack and I still haven’t gotten on putting away my clothes in the dresser/closet and actually making my room look presentable, but I just can’t be bothered with that right now in regards to my room.

As I’ve said before, we don’t have wireless here, just wired internet on the roommate’s laptop. I can’t see myself actually spending time in my room until we do have wireless internet. So, it’s kind of like it was before at the old house, before my computer was upstairs in my room. I am never in my room, except to sleep, so right now I don’t give a shit what it looks like. However, when I do actually start spending time in my room, that is when I will want to be able to see the floor and actually keep my bed made.

Maybe once all the stress over my workplace closing is over, I’ll actually want to do some of this shit.

Speaking of which, I am starting to get pretty stressed about the fact that holy shit in two days I won’t have a job. What am I going to put on my applications now? I can’t exactly put down the address and phone number for a store that won’t even be there anymore, but I suppose I can write somewhere “store went out of business in April 2014) and maybe give them contact info for like corporate or something.

And I know where one of my former managers at the store works now (it’s at a hardware shop in my old town) so some time I’ll have to make a trip there and ask if he could give me a letter of recommendation, which he offered to do for people before he got his new job.

Anyway, after the store is officially closed (and after easter of course) I’m going to apply for food stamps, and get the ball rolling on applying for unemployment.

I wonder how much I’ll get. Will I be able to get a decent amount since for the past couple months I’ve actually gotten a decent amount of hours? Or will they go on the average amount I used to make before the store closing was announced? The realities are starting to hit me. I’m fairly sure I can get food stamps, so I’ll probably have enough for rent if food is taken care of, but what if for some reason I don’t get food stamps? And what if I don’t have enough for rent? And what if I can’t find another job to help if unemployment doesn’t pay enough to cover rent?

Ugh. I’m starting that ‘what if’ anxiety bullshit again, which then leads to the “Then I won’t get food stamps then I won’t be able to pay rent then I’ll get kicked out then I’ll be homeless” crap which I really don’t need before a tediously boring six hour shift at work. I almost wish I could just be done with it, but hell, three more shifts (two after today’s), that’s like 130 bucks more I’ll have before the store closes.

I guess I won’t start really stressing until after I get the last paycheck from the place. We just got paid on Monday so after this week is over, I’ll have one more week to wait before we get our final paycheck. And my portion of the bills (which will be about 100 bucks this month) will have to come out of that, since rent came out of my paycheck on Monday.

Ugh. Why did I sit down to write this before work? I thought it would kill some time, but now I’m all stressed and shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be glad I’ll never have to step into that store ever again after Saturday, but now I’m starting to actually process all the store closing stress that I’ve been putting off.

I don’t care. When I leave the store for the last time, on the last day, I’m still saying “Bye fuckers” loudly before I leave. Although not over the intercom, which I have thought about. Even if I had the balls to actually do it, I’m not sure it’s the best idea, even if it would be really fun.

But I mean, even a small break from retail should be fun. Maybe I can do more art and sell some shit on etsy. Maybe I can actually spend more time cooking real food instead of just shit you can microwave, or premade meals that take ten minutes to heat up on the stove.

Ugh. Only half an hour before work, which means a maximum of 15 minutes until I absolutely have to leave, and I don’t like cutting it that fine.

Meh, again.

There’s really nothing doing again so I guess I’m only writing this because I’m restless. Also the roommate is still in the bathroom from showering and I need to pee, and I need a distraction.

Today the roommate and I played Nancy Drew games on her laptop all day long, which is all well and good but I still feel bad that the only productive thing I did all day was the dishes.

Last night I had a few beers and the roommate and I watched movies. While I didn’t get like super wasted or anything, I’ve still spent my entire day feeling like I wasn’t quite awake. Or like I was playing a very realistic video game and wasn’t actually physically doing anything. One of those trippy days where it doesn’t feel quite real. I can’t tell if it’s the pms or the fact that I drank a few beers last night. Probably a bit of both. Either way, I think I may be done drinking for a while, just because I’m tired of feeling like shit for most of the next day.

Actually, it depends on what my family is doing for easter. I don’t have enough money to put enough gas in my car to drive to my parents’ place (it’s like 2 hours away), and they haven’t gotten back to me as far as what they’re doing. My roommate’s 21st birthday is on the 21st, and while I’m not exactly sure what her family has planned, if I’m around for that I’ll participate to an extent. If my parents are willing to pick me up, however, I’ll miss the roommate’s birthday, which she told me is okay. I just wish I knew what my family decided. I mean, while the 20th is Easter (and my sibling will be back from their internship in DC), I completely understand if my parents aren’t willing to spend the money to pick me up (or send me gas money to drive myself).

Which makes me think of something else. If my parents don’t want to spend the money it’ll be the first easter I won’t have spent with my family. Which is bound to happen sooner or later, because I’m an adult, it’ll just be weird. The roommate’s mom hinted that if I was around for easter I would be welcome to join them, but I don’t know, that might be a little awkward. If nothing else, I’ll stay home and dye the two dozen eggs I bought yesterday.

Idk. I wish I’d managed my money a little better, but even without the 45 dollar splurge I shouldn’t have gone on, I wouldn’t have had enough gas money to get to and from my folks’ place. Maybe for the trip there, but my car is run down and gets shit gas mileage, so  I would definitely need gas money to get back home.

I guess it depends on what they want to do. Even though it would be nice to chill at their place for a few days and hang out with my sibling, I am going to feel really guilty if they spend the money on gas to pick me up.

I feel bad enough that the sibling and I weren’t around to help with the baking mom always does around easter.

I can’t think about this shit right now, I’m bound to get pms emotional about it even though I normally don’t give a fuck.

 

 

Random bullshit

Meh. I haven’t updated for a little while so I thought I would.

I had yesterday and today off from work, so I’m kind of dreading going in at noon tomorrow. I just have to remind myself that I need the money.

I’m both looking forward to and dreading the last day. Everyone is anticipating a real shit storm and saying it’ll be busier than black friday. The place is treating it like black friday. Management says that everyone has to work that day, and if I wasn’t paranoid that they’d try to gip me on unemployment, I would just not bother showing up that day. In addition to needing the money, I’m sure there will be at least a few other people that probably won’t show up, and I’m not going to be THAT person. Plus, after that day, as crazy as it may be, it’ll be the last time I ever have to walk into that godforsaken store, ever.

I am going to miss a few of my coworkers, but I’m really not shedding any tears over the fact that the place is closing. I’ve been unhappy there for ages.

As I’ve said before, if I can get a decent amount of unemployment, I’m thinking of taking a couple months off from working. Maybe I’ll just take the summer off, and use it to concentrate on my art. Or maybe I’ll take a summer class at the local community college (as I’ve been told if we go back to school we may be able to get some grants or something… I’ll have to look into it).

Anyway. I really want to start being healthier. Lately I’ve been eating a ton of food, and my previous attempt to do yoga every day lasted about 3 days.

Sometimes I think I have a bit of a problem with overeating. I mean, I don’t binge myself and then barf it back out or anything, but I’ve been eating way too much lately. I don’t want to insult anyone with an actual addiction, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I’ll eat eggs and then six hours later, eat an entire packet of ramen, and later some chips, and then later a fruit and grain bar, and later some ice cream. That’s all shit I’ve eaten just today.

Like I said I don’t to insult anyone with actual crippling addictions, but sometimes I think I have a food problem. I don’ t know if it should be called an addiction because everyone has to fucking eat to survive. It’s probably just emotional eating. And like I said, I don’t gorge myself until I’m in extreme pain, and I don’t purge or anything, but I just need to be better about how much I eat and what I actually eat.

After all I always said that the reason I didn’t eat healthy was because it’d be “too hard to do” when I still lived with my folks, but as usual it was just my excuse to not have to do anything different.

Honestly if I keep going this way I’ll be fucking huge and disgusting.

At the same time though, I’ve reached a point where I’m somewhat comfortable with myself how I am now, but I can’t go on like this forever. I’m sure as fuck not getting diabetes and having to fucking give myself shots and shit. I need to use my paranoia to my advantage here.

I know it would help a ton if I just stopped drinking soda, but we all know how well that has worked for me before. I need to start with something small and attainable. I tend to make grandiose plans and then get discouraged and stop when I realize my plans were too big.

Anyway… in regards to this day specifically, it was all right. Last night the roommate and her cousin and I had a few smirnoffs and watched youtube videos until 3am. I remember why I quit drinking smirnoffs. They taste great but then I have the weirdest hangover the next day. It’s taken me until about now to feel completely normal again. Anymore this happens when I drink. It’s fun enough the night before and then for hours and hours the next day I just feel weird, past the point where a hangover should still be around. AGING SUCKS. And I have an extremely low tolerance, which is weird given how much food I eat and how fat I am.

Anyway I just wanted to get some of this stuff out there. I want to work on a drawing of mine before I probably pass out early. I was going to watch a farewell concert by a certain band I’ve been obsessed with lately but I don’t think my emotions could handle it tonight. I think I might finally watch it once the store I work at is six feet under. Maybe that’ll be my reward to look forward to. I can finally watch the concert on youtube if I can make it to the 19th.

Anyhoo

Is it the 19th yet?

Work has stressed me out so much lately. I want to do up all my laundry and then hang it up/put it in my dresser as one is supposed to do. I want to get my room to a state where I can walk in and not have to climb over crap on the floor. I want to finish unpacking the stuff I want unpacked. I’ve done hardly anything since the move was made 100 percent official.

Honestly though I’m at my wit’s end when it comes to work. For the last three days, I’ve been wondering how the fuck I was going to survive each six hour shift, because about 2 hours in, I was ready to fucking die. It was pretty bad yesterday. It was either boring as shit with no customers, or full as hell with everyone having like 5 people in line at a time. And I had a headache for the last 3 hours of my shift. I almost asked to leave early but when I first wanted to ask someone was on break so that would have left them just one cashier… and by the time another cashier came in I only had a half hour of my shift left.

It was hell. I feel bad that when I get like that I am not myself. I’m crabby, grumpy, and probably a handful to deal with. I’m sure my coworkers talk about me when I’m not there, probably bitching about how much of a pain in the ass it is to work with me.

The real reason I never hang out with people is because I drag everyone down. I’m a negative piece of shit and I figure, I can drag myself down but I’ll leave everyone else with happy lives alone. I’m no fun to be around. I’m lazy, I’m needy, and I’m boring as fuck.

I only sound interesting on the internet, if even then.

I almost forgot, mom guilt tripped me over texts for not sending grandma a birthday card. Sorry, but after bills, gas, and food, I was literally all out of money 2 days after payday.

I didn’t mean to forget, but I’ve been stressed as hell lately; the only time I was probably more stressed in recent memory is when my car stalled when I was only half pulled over. My stress levels have been insane. I’m also having to deal with stuff I’ve never had to worry about before.

Sorry, but March was the first time I’ve ever had to worry about rent, about the electric bill and the water bill and everything else. Even though there’s a roommate so there are two people paying all these things, I’m still scared as hell that I won’t be able to do it and I’ll be left out on the street with nowhere to go.

My parents mean well but they’ve never understood my anxiety problem or just how bad it gets. There’s a lot about my brain they don’t understand. But really, how long have they known I’ve had issues remembering things? Even back when I was a kid, and all they said was ‘if it was important enough you’d remember’ and that always frustrated me because I forget shit, even important shit I would rather have remembered. With all this shit going on, with the moving, and me being stressed as hell at my job… I don’t need to be fucking guilt tripped for forgetting a goddamn birthday card.

I’ll send her one in a week when I get paid. There’s a reason there are belated birthday cards.

I just can’t deal with this. I work at 11 and I’m already about to cry because I just can’t handle that goddamn place anymore. I have no idea how I’m going to get through 2 six hour shifts before I get a day off.

But it’s like… I don’t call in and try not to leave early because after the 19th, I won’t have to deal with it. I just have no idea how I’m going to make it until then. I already want to die