Restless

Bored af and restless so here we are.

Had a shit few mood days, and just started hell week (they only call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken tbh) so I obviously knew it was coming, but it still blows. Ever irritated about the job situation. It makes me feel like I’m not doing anything if I’m not putting in several apps a day, but it doesn’t help if they’re jobs I don’t feel that I’m qualified for or that I don’t think I could do, so that when they call and leave a message on my phone about setting up an interview, I panic and delete the message. And then feel even worse, because I’m sure I can imagine how pissed off my dad would be if he knew that sort of thing.

I’m both looking forward to and dreading this holiday weekend that I’ll be spending at my parents’ house. It’s been ages since we’ve had an uncomfortable discussion about the job situation, but I feel like being in the same room with dad, he’s brewing that shit just under the surface and it’ll only take one little moment of him being irritated for that shit to explode and make me super fucking uncomfortable.

I find myself once again wondering what the actual fuck the problem was at the stupid pizza place job I had (they still haven’t done me the dignity of firing me outright, they just quietly leave me off the schedule). It was so important to me that I do well. I asked (to the point of nausea I’m sure) if I was doing everything okay, asking what I needed to improve… I mean, I flat out told the boss that I had anxiety, not expecting to have any major episodes at work, but I figured it’s the sort of thing they should know up front. And honestly my first couple weeks there I was anxious af but I thought I got into a groove after a while. I mean, was it the fact that I expressed nervousness at being the only cook when it was super busy (which she literally never scheduled me to be the only cook, ever)? Was it the fact that I didn’t want to be the fucking shift leader, which she asked me about and I was like uhhhhh probably not [or I would have fucking applied under shift leader and not cook, just thinking about that shit gives me anxiety]. I just wish I knew what it was that made her quit putting me on the schedule, but at this point it’s been so long I don’t have the proverbial balls to call and ask, or god forbid actually stop in and talk to the boss.

I mean, around Christmas when she called and said I had to work, then called back like 15 minutes later and said she messed up the schedule and that I didn’t have to work, I can’t remember exactly what I said but I relayed to her politely, in not so many words that it was BS that I wasn’t on the schedule this long and she needed to start putting me on more or look for a different cook. Emphasis on the politely thing, I hated working at the call center but the one good thing that came out of it was I sorta learned phone manners.

I’ve talked about that shit here before so I won’t go into detail, but it’s like, this shit can only happen so many times and go on so long before you really believe there is something wrong with you; why else would all these jobs not work out or would you constantly not even get interviews for jobs you actually are qualified for? Or god forbid you get an interview and think it went well, and then POOF, NO CALLBACKS. Not even when they tell you they’ll let you know either way. Just don’t fuckin say anything if you aren’t actually going to contact the people who didn’t get the job. I’m still pissed off I didn’t get that stupid job at the tee shirt screen printing place, because that was pretty much my only fucking chance to get a job that I actually might have to apply my artistic eye in.

Whatever. I’m irritated but I’m also not in the mood to write a damn dissertation about it. Any more than I’ve already done, anyway.

I’m just so fucking bored. When you’re broke and depressed/anxious there’s nothing to fucking do. I mean, right now I’m just not in the mood to sweat my ass off outside, irritated about all the other people who are also outside to enjoy the finally actually summery weather. And I miss like hell having internet at my own house. And while walking to the library is pretty much the only motivation I have to actually leave my apartment, when I’m actually here, I don’t want to sit on my phone on tumblr for 2 hours like I’d do at home, I just want to get out of public and go the fuck back home. Then I get home and go “fuck I wish I had internet” and then turn on data for 5 minutes and wonder how much I just cost my parents in data.

Also honestly, I think in some ways I’ve declined not having internet at home. The internet literally was the only way I socialized with people, and we can fucking debate how healthy that shit is until the cows come home, but it was something. Now I barely have any socialization at all. The only people I know around here are people I worked with, and all of them are married and have families and children and full time jobs, so yeah, we’re still friends but it’s not like I can call them up randomly and be all HEY LET’S HANG OUT because they have shit to do. And there really aren’t many other opportunities to meet people around here that don’t cost money. I don’t want to go to bars because I’m not going to pay fucking 3.50+ for a pint of domestic beer when for twice that I could get an entire 6 pack of like 18oz cans. Plus, I have no interest in being hit on by old men, and if there are country music loving hicks there, no fucking thank you. I mean, we have a bowling alley, but I’m not about to fucking go bowling by myself. I go to movies by myself. I even went to a restaurant by myself once during a summer that was really fucking super hot, and I lived in a place with no AC. Whatever. I’m annoyed and I’m going home to put on my gross shorts and eat leftover pizza and then some fucking frozen yogurt because I’m a grownup dammit

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Eh, whatever.

It’s finally starting to be really nice weather. I mean, I say that as showers/a thunderstorm/whatever are predicted for this afternoon. LOL. It’s nice to finally be able to hang out outdoors, but the normal little park I like to go to to draw and whatever, the picnic table they usually put out isn’t there yet, and there’s zero shade and I know all of that sounds like first world problems but I’d prefer not to sit in the blazing sun for several hours. I mean, there’s places I could drive, but part of the point of trying to be outside more is like, trying to walk more. And I’m still poor so I’d prefer not to waste gas if I don’t have to.

I’m a little frustrated about the job situation. LOL this is news, right? Whatever. I just mean, I touched on it briefly in therapy yesterday, but the essence of the problem is, I use a popular job searching website to look for jobs. Considering that I essentially live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, there’s usually little available within a 15-20 mile radius (20 miles= a 30 min. drive) of me. At one point, right before I moved here, I was commuting 45 minutes one way to get to a part time retail job that paid minimum wage. At one point last summer, I was job searching in a big city (to me, I live in rural Iowa, all right) that is a 45+ minute drive (depending on interstate traffic) just to get into the city, and then fuckall whatever to get wherever you’re actually going, and I went to several interviews, intending to move there if I got hired somewhere, but none of that actually panned out. And I eventually stopped trying to get interviews so far out because I didn’t want to waste the gas.

That’s sort of the same boat I’m in now. I don’t search more than 20-30 minutes out because that’s a lot of fucking gas to waste on going to an interview for a job I more than likely will not get.

It’s just like, with every rejection email I get, or ever application I put in that doesn’t get answered, it just solidifies this belief I have about myself that I’m unemployable. I mean, I spent 3 years at a k fart store as a cashier, I cleaned hotel rooms for several months total, I’ve spent several years total as a dishwasher at a bar/restaurant… the only legal thing on my record is one, single uneventful DUI that was literally 9 years ago (I mean uneventful as in I wasn’t speeding like a madwoman, I didn’t crash into anything or anybody, etc), but that’s why I don’t apply for jobs that require a clean driving record, so I don’t see how that would be an issue.

The point I was trying to make about therapy yesterday was that there are so few jobs listed around me. Of those, there are even fewer I would actually be able to do. Just saying that makes me feel uncomfortable, because there was a time when I was a bit younger, still living at home, that I would just flat out not bother applying for jobs at all because I either didn’t have my license back yet, or I knew I couldn’t do them.

I used to get asked by my folks if it was “you can’t, or you won’t”, and now it seems I’m unable to distinguish the difference. I have pretty severe anxiety, and almost as severe depression, there are things I straight up cannot handle. My short term memory sucks (it sucked before, and long periods of severe anxiety/disordered sleep can make it worse), and I have so much buzzing around in my head all the time, places like fast food are out of the question. I can’t remember a million slightly different food combinations and have to crank the whole thing out in less than 5-10 minutes.

Plus, when I was a hotel housekeeper back in 2007, I basically got back strain, and I simply cannot be on my feet for hours and hours at a time without the chance to sit down. You can say it’s because I’m fat, and true, it’d be a little easier if I lost some weight, but I’d still fucking have back strain and a shitty knee if I lost 100 pounds (and I’m pretty sure I have a pinched nerve in my left shoulder somewhere that rarely acts up but when it does it literally hurts so bad it keeps me from sleeping). I can’t bend over at an awkward angle over a low counter for hours at a time without being able to sit down because of said back injury. It also affects my ability to lift shitloads of weight continuously. I mean, an occasional large load to lift, sure, whatever, but I can’t keep it up. So that pretty much also nixes factory work. Not to mention the severe anxiety episodes I have when surrounded by warehouses full of loudass, dangerous running equipment.

My therapist mentioned performance anxiety, which would be pretty damn accurate. But I went off on a tangent again. Let’s try this again.

The point I was trying to make about therapy yesterday was that there are so few jobs listed around me. Of those, there are even fewer I would actually be able to do. So I feel pressured to apply to jobs I qualify for but don’t want and would not really be able to do well. And then I’ll get left answering machine messages for interviews, and I’ll panic and delete the message without contacting them, because holy shit I didn’t want that job anyway because I can’t do it, what if they hire me….

And I feel shitty because I still hear what my folks would tell me when I was a shitty younger person and wouldn’t bother trying to apply. Therapist said we should address that next time (because this was towards the end of the session). I feel so guilty every time this happens (granted, it’s not many times, but I’ve done it more than once). It doesn’t address the fact that I feel insanely guilty if I haven’t done something useful or productive, and putting in apps makes me feel productive, even if it’s a job that wouldn’t be a good fit. Even as I type that I can hear my dad in my head bitching about how I really need ‘a god damn job’ (for years, dad would say it exactly like that. It was never just ‘you need a job’ it was “you really need to find a god damn job” or whatever.) and that I really can’t afford to be picky.

In a way, he’s right. I can’t afford to pick and choose the ideal job I want. But I also know that I’m not normal (inb4 LOL WERE U EVER), and being neurodivergent means there are some things I simply cannot do like ‘normal’ people can. True, sometimes I assume I can’t do things and then, TA DA, I CAN, but I’m not talking about those times. There are some things I will likely never do as well as others.

IDK. I’m trying to have a good day and not waste the good weather (like I feel like I’ve done so many other summers), but this is just sort of an undercurrent eating away at any good moods I have, and keeping me from doing a lot of things.

Anyway. I’m going to go maybe read outside or some shit, idk