Killing some time.

I’ve decided I’m going to go to the local DHS (department of human services) and see what sort of programs they may have available there.

I did already apply for food stamps online, but I couldn’t really find the other information I wanted on their website. Plus I need to go to the library later anyway and return the movies I have that were actually due yesterday. They have a 1 day grace period so I won’t have a fine.

I kind of wish I’d been able to find the other information I wanted to online because I really don’t want to actually have to go in. I feel okay today so far but lately unless it’s for work, it requires a huge effort just to get my ass out of the house that I usually don’t go anywhere. With the exception of work I’ve turned into a shut in, basically. Not that I went out much before, but still.

I honestly don’t know if I actually want to go there, though. I’m sure you need pay stubs to apply for the income based apartments or housing assistance, and I don’t even have enough change to scrounge together to print off my pay stubs at the library (since we don’t have a printer).

I think I might send former roommate’s mom a message on facebook (her mom lives literally like 2 blocks away from us) and ask her if she’ll be busy tonight and if it would be possible to use her computer to print off the pay stubs. Actually, I think I will.

My plan was to go to DHS today but honestly, since I already applied for food stamps online, and I don’t want to waste a trip there if I don’ t have pay stubs I might potentially need, I think I’ll just hold off on the trip there today. Might only make it to the library.

I have a few local low rent apartments contact information written down, I might actually have to work up the balls to call them today (I have super mega phone anxiety) and ask things like, are you income based (I’m pretty sure they are), will I need to actually physically meet with you and give you my pay stubs, how long is the waiting list right now because I may potentially need to be out of here by the end of August.

I’m really not looking forward to calling them, I’m really not. I even hate calling people I know, much less numbers where I don’t have any idea who is going to answer.

I’m trying to decide when I want to call. Should I call pretty soon after 10 and get it over with, or should I like wait until 1 or 2? But then if I waited I’d be dreading it all day.

I feel like 10 am is a decent time to start calling people, but what if they don’t answer?

Ugh. I just want to get this over with.

Honestly though, I think I might just go to DHS next week. This way, I can have maybe printed off some pay stubs at former roommate’s mom’s house, I’ll have them ready, I’ll have some information about the apartments I called, and can be thinking about other things to ask them.

I was just going to open this to kill some time before 10, because that’s when I was going to leave and go to DHS, but I honestly think it’s a better idea to maybe wait. Because what if DHS would need my pay stubs for something? Then I’d have wasted a whole trip over there, and I have to make a quarter of a tank of gas last me until next Friday, as in until the 8th of August.

Ugh. I’m going to go message former roommate’s mom on facebook and then after that I’ll probably make the first of 3 calls I’ll be making today.

 

EDIT: Well I can cancel all the plans I just talked about because I don’t still have the slip of paper that tells me how to log onto that work system to get my paystubs, so now I have to wait until I work tomorrow so I can ask the hr lady or whatever.  So now it’s like, should I even bother calling the apartments? If they’re income based I’m sure they’ll need paystubs. I mean, I can still call to ask for information like how to be put on the list and stuff, but it’s kind of pissing me off. I was going to be so fucking productive today and now I can’t do any of the things I planned to do.  I really don’t want to have to go in to work on my only day off this week to ask for this stuff. Well actually, I guess I don’t work on Saturday. I work 10 am-3:30 tomorrow, I think I might just ask either on my break or after I’m done with work.

Now I’m pissed off because I still have to go to the library and I really don’t want to waste the gas if that’s the only thing I can do, but I have to since my movies were due yesterday. I think I might wait until this evening to do that though, since the library is open until 8.

 

Well there went that feeling.

Had a discussion with the roommate and she wants to move back home so she can save money to go to college.

Which means I get to start looking for income based apartments in the area. She has a friend (and a former coworker of both of ours) that lives in apartments of this type and she’s going to ask him how that stuff works.

I want to go to DHS and ask them about this stuff, but I have to wait until at least Friday because I honestly don’t know how much gas my car has, and I don’t get paid until Friday. I’ll probably wait until Monday, because on Friday I work until like 7pm and I won’t want to bother going there on a weekend.

But I’m like… how long is the wait list for that? The date the roommate and I threw around was like, end of August, but I’m like… what if the wait list is too long? What if there won’t be an opening by then?

And then there’s the matter of my bed and my dresser. I don’t fucking know how to get my bed apart (and we don’t have the tools for it anyway). So I’ll have to either fucking pay uhaul or see if I know someone with a pickup.

And I’ll have to make sure whatever apartments I apply for allow pets since I have a cat.

I mean, it’s good, because I am beyond fed up with this place. I’m sick of all former roommate’s stuff being here (used to call her roommate 1 but she hasn’t lived here for ages) and I’m sick to death of dealing with all her cats.

I probably wouldn’t have to pay any more for rent than I pay for my part of the rent here, I’m just scared at the thought of, this time, it’ll just be me. I won’t have anyone to borrow money from if I fall a little short. The entire thing will be on my shoulders.

I mean, I’m sure DHS will have stuff I can apply for to help me but I’m just really scared.

Honestly, when I visit my parents on like August 22-24th, I’m going to tell them I don’t want anything for my birthday or for christmas, I just want money. I don’t even want a fucking birthday cake. I just need money. My sibling has to work on my birthday so they may be doing a bit of birthday stuff for me then and I already told them I don’t want presents, I need money.

Because it’s like… I’ve been eating ramen and like, mashed potatoes lately, and fucking fry bread I made. We’re completely out of sugar. We’re out of milk and eggs. We only have maybe 2 cups of flour left, if that.

I can’t remember the last time I ate anything resembling an actual meal. I keep wearing jeans with huge holes worn in the thighs because I can’t afford jeans. I keep wearing bras with the underwire poking out because I can’t afford new bras (and if it weren’t for the strapless bras I bought before the local fashion bug went out of business, I wouldn’t have any bras that didn’t have underwires sticking out).  I can’t remember the last time I had enough money to actually buy clothes, so I keep wearing the same like 5 shirts over and over again. I can’t remember the last time I had enough money to put more than 10 dollars at a time into my gas tank. I haven’t seen a movie in the theatre since before Christmas, and it’s the end of July.

I didn’t do any of the summer things I normally do, like go to the lake, go to the carnival, anything.  I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even like to leave my house to go to work, much less to do anything else.

All that to worry about plus my return bus ticket and all that shit? I mean, like I said yesterday. I don’t need to worry about my spending money until right up until I’d leave, but like, I don’t know.

What if the wait list is too long and it gets to the point where the roommate wants to move out and I still haven’t found a place?

But it’s like, I really didn’t want to have to move again. We just moved from the old house for good in March. It’s only fucking end of July and I’m looking at the possibility of having to move my shit all over again.

And like, maybe I’m worrying too much. Maybe I will be able to get one of the income based apartments, and maybe I’ll get food stamps so I can actually buy real food, so maybe I’ll be able to eek by, but I so don’t need this anxiety before a fucking 6 and a half hour shift tonight starting at 4. Apparently we have to stay open an extra hour because of fucking ragbrai. I’m also staring down the face of at least 4 days of work in a row. I say at least because I only know my schedule up until Saturday and the schedule for next week won’t be up until tomorrow afternoon, so who knows, I could have several more days in a row after Saturday.

I need to just relax for right now but those thoughts are creeping back like “If this is how life is going to be I don’t want it” shit. I can’t keep fucking struggling like this my entire life.

Idk. I had wanted to write more but it’s just going to be a merry go round of all the shit I’ve already mentioned here so I’m going to try to distract myself.

Not anxious for once.

Well, I’m always anxious, but  compared to how anxious I’ve been lately I feel okay for once.

A big part of this is that firstly, former roommate (used to call her roommate !, but that’s confusing so I’m going to refer to her as former roommate from now on) got the energy bill paid (with 100 bucks of my money) so I don’t have to worry about our lights going off. Secondly, my bus ticket to CA has been paid. A friend of mine online (one of the friends who will be partaking in Halloween shenanigans with me) offered to pay for my ticket there.

It’s a big load off my shoulders because I was starting to get paranoid about that. Even though advance purchase tickets just have to be bought 21 days before departure, it’s a huge load off me. I was touched that a friend I only know online would be willing to spend her own money on me. She told me she does that sort of thing for people that she thinks deserve it. I’m still kind of floored. I keep opening the folder I put the bus ticket and the concert ticket in and just staring at them.

I no longer have to use “maybe” language and say “if halloween happens” because it’s officially going to happen.

Now I can concentrate on buying my bus ticket back home, as well as spending/cab/food/etc money during the thing.

There are going to be layovers in several states, and I want to try to get a postcard for each state we have a layover in, so I’ll be putting aside money for that. I’ll need some food and drink during said layovers. I’m planning on bringing some packaged stuff that won’t need refrigeration (i.e. crackers), but I’m almost considering bringing my small cooler, stuffed into my carry on bag, so I can like bring cheese or something.

I want to buy my dad a souvenir coffee mug for his birthday. I want to get my mom and sibling something small as well, although I’m not sure what I’d get them. Maybe some souvenir magnet with their name on it or something.

Honestly, now that the ticket there is secured, my priorities are the bus ticket home, and the amtrak tickets from the city the bus station is in to the city that the hotel we’re staying at is in. I know the town the hotel is in but I don’t know what hotel it is yet. I figure I can worry about the specifics closer to the actual date.

Although, I’ve got loads of time to worry about that stuff. As I said, advance purchase bus tickets can be bought clear up to 21 days until departure. I won’t worry about the amtrak tickets until I’ve got the ticket back home, I’m sure I’ll be buying those with more than enough time to spare. And, it’s not a dealbreaker if I can’t get an amtrak train. While the amtrak thing would be ideal, I’m going to have money set aside for a cab, if it comes to that.

I also want to have a certain amount set aside to buy like, band tee shirts and shit.

I won’t start coming up with set spending money amounts that I’ll want until my two current priorities are taken care of.

The best part about the spending money though, is that I can literally be saving for that until like, the day before I leave.

Anyway.

I’m bored as fuck. I don’t work until fucking 4pm tomorrow, so I could stay up pretty much as late as I wanted to, but this heat is killing me. I was up until like, 3am I think lastnight. I considered pulling an all nighter, but I needed to be at the library (to print off my bus ticket, as I don’t have a printer at home), and I wanted to be there right when the library opened at 9.

I think I’ll probably end up going to bed soon.

Honestly though, my biggest concern right now is that I’ve got a very small amount of gas left in my car, and I don’t get paid until Friday. I mean, it’s only like 2 miles to my work place, so that’s only like 12 miles I’d need to drive until I got paid, but I’m at the point where I’m wondering if I can make it. I’ve only got like 1.50 on my debit card, and my roommate hasn’t made much money at her job lately so I can’t really ask her to borrow any money. I guess it’ll be time to start scrounging in my car for change. Whatever.

I don’t have to worry about that right now, so I won’t.

Honestly, half the reason I am about to go to bed is so I don’t have to be wearing clothes. It’s fuckin hot in here.

Anyway this is sort of random and I really only wrote this to waste some time

Anxiety again…again

How many blog entries am I going to have with this title?

So, I believe I talked about on here how roommate #1 hadn’t been replying to fb messages, and our power could actually get shut off tomorrow if we don’t pay alliant? All I heard from her yesterday was an fb message that was all “Chill I’ll get online and view it”. Haven’t heard from her apart from that, and I’m still sort of freaking out because, how do I know she actually did view it?

Everything is still in her name, and it’s pissing me off. And maybe she’s not as concerned about it as we are, because it isn’t HER power that’ll be shut off. I’m going to be pretty pissed if our power gets shut off, because between roommate #2 and myself, we have the money to pay the bill, we just can’t fucking do anything because shit is in roommate #1’s name.

If roommate #1 ever comes over again, I’m going to ask that we get everything switched to my name. No, I won’t ask, I’ll be telling her, we need to go get shit switched to my name. Because we can’t keep having you be impossible to reach since your phone doesn’t work, we can’t keep having your name be on all the bills because that means I can’t access certain information because even though roommate #2 and I live here, shit is still in roommate #1’s name.

I thought it would be okay this way at first, but it’s pissing me off. Between that and roommate #1 never doing what she says she’ll do when she does it, I just can’t do this anymore.

I honestly credit this bill paying stuff as a big part of that huge meltdown I had the other day, where I was literally at the point where I wrote a suicide note and everything.

I did just send the roommate #1 an fb message asking how hard it would be to get the bills switched to my name, but who knows when she’ll actually see it. Or she’ll “see” the message but won’t reply to it at all.

Does she think that if she ignores this shit it’ll go away?

I know she’s got a lot of things on her plate and thusly a lot to worry about, but so do roommate #2 and I.

Up until now I’ve been really tolerant of this stuff, but the next time I see roommate #1… I won’t be mean, but I’ll be blunt. Up until now I’ve been afraid to mention anything I wasn’t 100% happy with because roommate #1 has helped me out with rent and bills before, but now, if it’s 100% that roommate #1 isn’t going to live here anymore, I want things switched to my name (or roommate #2’s, if she would prefer that).

I’m just sick of waking up every day wishing that it was like 10pm so it would be time for me to get back in bed for the night.

It’s just like, am I going to be able to do to this halloween shit after all? I’m going to have to use the money I was going to use on my bus ticket there, on the bills this month.

One of my internet friends offered to paypal me money for the energy bill if roommate #1 didn’t get back to me, but if that gets dealt with, I’m wondering if she would be willing to paypal me some money that I could use towards my bus ticket to CA. Since she is one of the people that my Halloween plans are with. I guess it depends on if roommate #1 gets back to me today or tomorrow.

I’m seriously going to be so pissed if our lights shut off. Because roommate #2 and I have money ready to give to roommate #1 to pay for this shit. Well I have a prepaid credit card, but I figured I could just give it to roommate #1 and be like “Here, this has 110 bucks on it, if you could use your money to pay the bill you could just keep this to buy necessities with or whatever”.

I think from now on I won’t be buying prepaid credit cards. I think I might look into getting a savings account that I can link to my paypal (as I have the paypal debit card) so I can put my paychecks into that and thusly use the money with my paypal debit card.

I’m going to buy my bus ticket to CA in person anyway, when I actually have enough gas to get to the town that the bus station I’d be leaving from is in.

I thought by now I’d have my bus ticket there and I’d be relaxing a little but of course not. My anxiety is so high all the time now that, all joking aside, I will be legitimately surprised if I am still alive on my birthday this year.

I used to say “god at this rate how will I make it to 30” but here I am, 27, wondering how the fuck I’ll even make it to my 28th birthday.

This just means, though, that if Halloween does end up happening, the band members I will see and hopefully meet will be that much more important to me.

I don’t know, I just want to quit worrying about this shit.

I work at noon, in 2 hours 15 minutes, so I’ve got about an hour and 45 minutes before I have to get ready. So I’m going to go play skyrim and try to relax a little before I’m forced to work a job I hate

What a crap day.

Once again, my day off has been total shit. I was sad as fuck lastnight and I thought maybe going to bed would help, but the first thing I did when I got up this morning at like, 8am, was lie down on the couch and cry, wondering when would be an acceptable time to go bed for the night. At like 8am already.

It hasn’t gotten any better. I’ve been crying in regular spurts all day long. I have never felt depression like this. It took such an effort just to force myself to clean the litter box that you’d think the litter box was a mountain I had to climb. I couldn’t even make myself go to the library, or redeem the cans and bottles we have lying around. I had barely put my jeans on and went to grab my keys, and I just went “No.” and changed back into my pajamas and cried some more. I’m at the level of depression where I have a headache and my arms hurt. It’s like, I don’t even want to hold them up long enough to type.

I didn’t tell the roommate this because I didn’t want to scare her, but I spent the majority of my day either crying or writing out what I’d put in a suicide note.

People keep saying it’ll get better, but let’s be honest, they’re all fucking liars. All the people that this advice comes from, they all have a house, a husband/wife/a great job/have enough money. None of them live off of packaged pasta or have less than a quarter of a tank of gas in their car, so sorry if I don’t fucking believe them. None of them keep wearing pairs of jeans that have holes in the thighs because they can’t afford to buy new jeans and the only pair of jeans they have without a hole in them, the button on the fly has torn off.

I can’t keep doing this anymore. I literally want to start packing up my stuff so that if I do it, nobody will have to clean up my shit because it’ll already be mostly packed.

There’d be no point in calling one of those 24 hr suicide hotlines, because they can’t help me. Unless the help they’re going to offer me is money to pay the bills, they are utterly useless to me. No amount of “it’ll get better we’ve all been there” is going to stop the power company from shutting off the lights in 3 days if we don’t pay the bill.

Roommate #1 said the last time she was here that she’d be over again today, and I haven’t seen her or heard from her at all, even though she’s been on facebook since I messaged her. Her phone still doesn’t work, or I’d call her. She doesn’t talk to her mom anymore or I’d message her mom on facebook.

I’m really wishing I hadn’t bought that ticket to that stupid halloween show because at this rate, I’ll never be able to afford both a bus ticket there and a bus ticket back, if I have to use part of the money I was going to use on a ticket, to pay the goddamn power bill. The internet bill came today too, and all this shit is still in roommate #1’s name, so I really can’t do anything about it.

It’s just never going to get better, ever.

We thought when mom got her new job and they found a house and I found a roommate that everything was falling into place, but it’s not, it’s falling apart instead. All this shit keeps happening and it’s fucking crushing me.

I can’t go to the mental health center because I don’t have any money, and anyway, a shrink wouldn’t help unless they were giving me money to pay my bills.

It must be great to be a company fat cat and just have shitloads and shitloads of money so you never have to worry about this shit. I’m glad selling your soul to the devil isn’t a thing because I’d be doing it right now.

I just can’t live like this, but I haven’t googled painless ways to off oneself yet because I’m sure all I would find are fucking “DON’T DO IT IT GETS BETTER” websites. I just don’t have any idea how I’m even going to make it to my birthday this year, I really don’t. I’ll honestly be surprised if October comes round and I’m still alive.

 

 

Anxiety again.

Okay so I’m probably just reading too much into this, but roommate #2 just posted a status where she mentioned being tired of living in a house the doesn’t feel like home, and of course my anxiety latched right on to that and went “SEE SHE WANTS TO MOVE OUT SHE’S GOING TO MOVE OUT AND THEN YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO PAY RENT AND YOU’LL GET KICKED OUT AND BE HOMELESS”.

I mean, okay, it could be that she’s only lived here since May and she’s still getting used to the house. And like, fuck, I’ve been here since the end of February and I still sometimes think this all seems like a weird long vacation and that eventually everyone will move back into our old house and everything will be like it used to be.

I’m just so fucking sick of nobody knowing what the fuck they want to do.  I’d like to know how long I have until I have to start fucking worrying about getting another goddamned roommate. Can’t people just stick with this shit? I don’t like it much here either but I don’t really have a fucking choice. Roommate #2 could always move back in with her mom if it doesn’t work out here, but me? I have fucking nowhere to go. My parents live 2 hours away and I so do not have 2 hours worth of gas in my car right now. Not to mention, I have way more than just one carfull of stuff to transport. And I still would have no way to transport my bed or dresser.

Then it makes me think back to roommate #1 saying the landlord said somebody offered to pay him a year’s worth of rent for this place. She said she thought it was just the landlord being annoyed that he got fined because of our lawn not being mowed, and she better fucking be right.

Like it’s probably just my anxiety being overactive, but how do I know? I never fucking know if I’m worrying way too much or not enough. Because it feels like if I worry any less, then shit will go wrong and I’ll be like “see you should have worried about it more”.

Roommate #1 says I should have fun on halloween and still do all that stuff that I’m planning to do, but if we owe an extra like 30 bucks for the lawn fine in addition to rent and bills, I swear I’m going to have to use part of the money on the goddamn prepaid credit card that I set aside specifically to buy my bus ticket to CA. And then I’ll have to wait even longer to buy not only the ticket there, but my return ticket as well.

I mean, it’s not until the end of October that the trip will actually start, so it’s not like I don’t have plenty of time to save up for this shit, but I’m just so tired of being fucking anxious and paranoid all the time. And before you suggest cutting out caffeine entirely, even on days when I have no caffeine at all, I will still regularly get into anxiety spells like this.

But just, ugh. I love roommate #2 but she needs to give this place a chance. Yes, I am just as annoyed as you that there are 4 cats in a small 2 bedroom house. Yes, I’m annoyed that roommate #1 still has a ton of her shit here, and hasn’t cleaned the basement though she keeps promising to, yeah, the house is janky, but I’m fucking sticking with it.

It still comes down to, if roommate #2 doesn’t like it here, she can always move back in with her mom, but then I’d be fucked, because I can’t fucking afford 400 dollars a month rent, in addition to all the bills, all by myself. And good luck finding an apartment with rent cheaper than 200 dollars a month because that’s pretty much the maximum I can afford right now and still have money for food, gas, and bills.

Like I said, I’m probably worrying about nothing, because how insane is it that a passing comment left in a facebook status would mean she’s fucking moving out, but it’s like. Roommate #1 moved out. Roommate #2 is unhappy in the house, it feels like nobody wants to fucking live with me or even wants anything to do with me, with the exception of work, and that’s only because I fucking make them money.

How many times to have to hit bottom like this and just fucking want to kill myself before it gets better? Or will it even get better? Maybe it’ll go the other way. I just can’t keep living if all this shit keeps going on.

Annoyed again.

So last night roommate #1 said she’d be over about 7am to clean the basement in case the landlord decides to come over. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to get to sleep worrying about that, and she was not clear about the him coming over bit. Did he say he was thinking of coming over, or is that an idea you just had by yourself?

Anyhoo, I set my alarm to 7am, am rudely woken from a dream, I turn the computer on, only to discover that at about 5am this morning she sent me an fb message saying “I might be over at 8 or 9, helping my husband’s mom move some stuff bc she’s going to have guests later” and I’m like…. really. I got up at 7am on my day off for you. I can’t go back to bed because once I wake up and see it’s light out, that’s it, unless I’m sick or drunk, I literally can’t go back to sleep.

I mean, I usually get up around 8 anyway but it’s like, I stumble in here still half asleep and I could have been in bed for another hour.

I love this roommate but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t ever do what she says she’s going to do.

Like, yeah, I get it, she has a ton of stuff to worry about, and on top of that, she’s married now, and I believe she still works 2 jobs. I mean, whatever. But without a working phone, she’s very hard to get a hold of.

She’s been promising to clean the basement for ages and it hasn’t been cleaned yet, so part of me is even doubting her showing up here at all today.

But speaking of the whole “landlord was fined because the city had to mow our lawn bc of a complaint” thing, apparently, we were supposed to have gotten a letter in the mail warning us of this and we didn’t get a goddamn thing from the city, except for our normal water bill.

I was just getting to a point where I felt okay. I was like, okay, I have a job, I can do this, but now it’s all fucking overwhelming me again. I hadn’t counted on owing an extra almost 40 bucks on top of bills and rent this month, which I now don’t know if I’ll be able to afford. The next check I get better be fucking good, because not only will it have to cover the entire 200 for my rent, but also bills and shit. So I’ll probably be screwed. I just took another look at the energy bill and if it’s not paid in 5 days we could get service disconnected. I don’t get paid until not this Friday but the Friday after that.

Roommate #1 was never good about this shit, and now we have all the late shit in addition to this month’s bills. I had bought a prepaid credit card to buy that stupid greyhound bus ticket for my halloween trip so now that’s 115 dollars that I now can’t get back in cash. Although I mean, I think you can pay these sorts of bills with a card but, can you pay with partly a card and partly something else? But then what would I do about my bus ticket? I suppose what I could do is pay for my half of the alliant bill, and leave whatever else on the card, and then just take the other half of what I’d need for the ticket out of my next paycheck, but then will I be able to pay my whole part of the rent? And can the people at the bus station even take two different forms of payment? Because I’m going to be super pissed if I get all the way to the damn bus station 15 minutes away and they tell me I can’t pay with two different forms of payment.

All the bills and shit are still in roommate #1’s name. We need to get this shit figured out when (if) she comes over today like she said she would. Can we get shit put into my name so we don’t have to just rely on you telling us when shit is due? And with us having to wonder if we can open mail with your name on it or not?

This will be a fucking grand day off, because I’ll be fucking worrying myself to death all day long.

And wait, for the energy bill, is there even an office for us to go into to pay this shit? Otherwise how the fuck would half of the money for it come off a prepaid credit card, and half be cash or whatever roommate #2 has?

I would have just put off buying the damn prepaid card if I knew I had to wait until next payday to get the stupid bus ticket anyway. I really don’t want work to call me today to work because I need a goddamn day off for my sanity after two like 7 and a half hour shifts when I’m not used to working that long (yeah I know, lots of people work longer shifts, blah blah fucking blah, go bitch to someone else) but like, fuck, with all this shit going down, I almost wish they would call me. They were going to ask me to work Friday but she realized mid call that she had already gotten someone else to work it, and I’m almost hoping someone else calls in so they can ask me to come in.

I can’t fucking live like this. Just when I’m relaxing, more shit happens, and I just can’t live like this anymore. The constant stress is affecting my sleep, affecting my mood, fucking with my already bad memory, I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy, I never want to do anything, even shit I need to do… jesus christ, how do people do this without fucking blowing their brains out? Because I really don’t know anymore.

Is it different for people that don’t have anxiety? Because the thing about how my anxiety manifests itself… I start out with one thing I should be mildly concerned about, then it just gets out of hand until I’m sitting here crying unable to fucking think about anything else.

Like can we negotiate with the energy people? Because I don’t get paid again for another week and a half and the bill I have right here is saying we could get service cut off in 5 days if we don’t pay.

I just want to fucking stop existing and get it over with. Dead people don’t have to worry about paying bills

 

EDIT, 1:16pm. Well, the basement isn’t cleaned. Roommate #1 had to be somewhere at 1, so she just came over and roommate #1, #2, and I just talked about stuff. She’s supposed to be back over here Friday, and I’m hoping that’s when we discuss the energy bill which has to be paid on or before the 21st or we could get service disconnected, as I said before. And roommate #1 told me I should still do all the halloween stuff that I’ve planned, because I had expressed concern that maybe I just can’t afford it, but I’ll still have to wait longer than I wanted to to get the bus tickets paid for. If I have to use half of what’s on the prepaid credit card I bought to pay my part of the energy bill, whatever, I’ll just wait until the payday after next to actually buy the ticket. Either way, the absolute latest I’m going to be buying the ticket back home is the first week of September, because I’ll still be well within the advance purchase time window.

Work shouldn’t be calling me today about covering a shift but if they ask me to work on Friday, I would probably take it, even though the roommate #1 is planning on coming over.

I think that unless me taking a shift for someone would mean I worked like, a bunch of days in a row without a day off, I’ll probably take the rest of the extra shifts they offer me. I still just can’t get over how slowly time passes at that place. Honestly.

Anyway I’m done worrying about it for now, until my next episode of inconsolable anxiety happens, so whatever

Annoyed again.

Ok so  you know how I said that some dude from the city mowed our lawn because there was a complaint? The landlord got fined 75 bucks for it, so now that’s an extra 37 bucks each the roommate and I owe the landlord in addition to the rent, and whatever we owe for bills this month. I was not fucking planning on that. I hope I make a decent amount on my other paycheck that I’ll get this month. I’m supposed to have tomorrow, and Friday off. I definitely don’t want them to call me tomorrow, but if they call and ask if I’ll work on Friday, I’ll probably do it. And actually, if they call me tomorrow, it depends on how long the shift is. If it’s another one of those 7 and a half hour things, I probably won’t, but if it’s just a normal 5 and a half hour shift, I might do it.

I’m still annoyed that the landlord never actually came to us about the lawn. He obviously had to have driven past because he knew it was overgrown, but not once did he actually stop, knock on our door, and ask us to do something about the lawn. I had to hear this from roommate #1, on facebook no less, because her cell phone is out of service. We initially thought the landlord put the complaint in, but if he got fined that obviously was not the case.

I’m still also annoyed at the neighbors. If they had a problem with our lawn, the could have come to us first, instead of being passive aggressive little shitheads and putting in a goddamned complaint to the city.

It’s like, roommate #2 and I are just trying to survive. She’s a waitress and works nearly every night. I’m getting adjusted to a new job after 2 months being unemployed. Actually, more like 2 and a half months. But whatever. We’re poor, I only just moved here at the end of February, and this was the first time in my entire life I haven’t lived with my parents. I’m trying, but if we’re going to have shitty passive aggressive neighbors like this, idk how great I’ll feel about living here.

I mean, remember when neighbors actually fucking cared about each other and helped each other out? Instead of being fucking wusses and just putting in a goddamn complaint to the city.

I’m sorry, I’m really not a social person, the mere thought of introducing myself to the neighbors makes me legit panic, so I get it, you don’t know me, but if I had a complaint about one of my neighbors the least I would do is put a damn note in their mailbox because I fucking went to the city.

And like, I don’t want to give our landlord the impression that we’re shitty people, but I feel like it’s kind of roommate #1’s fault for not getting to us about this sooner, I mean the first I heard that the landlord was annoyed was like, yesterday.

Still. I know we go through roommate #1 still, since she is technically related to the landlord now, but he could still tell us this shit. Does he assume that just because roommate #1 knows, that we automatically know? So I mean, maybe he thought roommate #1 already told us, but he just needs to come to us with this shit. If he’s been by the place enough to know that the yard looks like shit, he could park for 2 minutes and ask us to mow it, or at least tape a note to the door or something. I’m going to try not to obsess over that, but it’s really kind of grinding my gears.

Speaking of, roommate #1 says she’s coming over at like 7goddam am tomorrow to clean the basement, in case the landlord does come over (let’s just say the cats do whatever the fuck they want in the basement and leave it at that). So now I have to get up early on my damn day off.

And then that gives me more anxiety, because what if the landlord does come over, then I’ll be freaking out because I’ve only met him once. And like, really, we didn’t mean to let the lawn get that bad, it’s just that we don’t own one and roommate #1’s mom’s lawn mower (which we normally use) had been broken so we hadn’t had a chance to get it mowed. I feel bad, I don’t want the landlord to think we’re shitty renters or anything.

UGH. And the landlord doesn’t know that 3 of roommate #1’s cats still live here. He thought we only had 1 cat. Only one of the 4 cats is mine so if he comes over and asks about it, I’ll tell him.

No good is going to come of me saying the same thing over and over and over again in this blog, because that’s what it’s devolving into.

If he comes over tomorrow, whatever, if not, whatever. I’m not going to waste the rest of my evening obsessing over it. Dammit

BAH

Work was annoying as shit today. First I had cramps, then I felt that weakish kind of “Fuck can I sit down plz” feeling, then I was just pissy and annoyed and depressed the whole time. I did get a half hour break and two 15 minute breaks, so I only ended up working 6 and a half hours, which is only an hour more than my usual shifts, but it was just draining.

Also the stupid snack machine ate one of my dollars so I ended up spending 2 bucks on a damn muffin instead of just one. Idk. I was just at that stage of PMS where everything pisses me off or annoys me.

Also, I guess a guy from the city mowed our lawn because there was a complaint about it. Roommate #2  said the dude that mowed it was totally cool about it, but I’m like, really? So not only did the neighbors not say anything to us, the landlord didn’t either. I had to hear that the landlord was annoyed from roommate #1 and she doesn’t even fucking live here anymore.  I don’t care anymore, but when I was still at work I was fucking obsessing over it. It’s over, we don’t have to worry about it until the grass grows some more.

I’m going to go shopping around for a manual lawn mower, just to get an idea of prices and stuff. If I can’t find anything in a decent price range, next time I’ll ask a neighbor if we can borrow their lawn mower, if it comes to that.

I was really bothered by this stuff earlier, but now I got it out and feel a bit better.

I wish I hadn’t said I would work.

I slept weird last night. I had to get up 3 times to go to the bathroom, because it’s one of those days during PMS. So I’m really looking forward to, in less than an hour, having to leave for a job where part of the uniform is KHAKI PANTS. Wearing light colored pants when bleeding is kind of a phobia of mine. I’m literally thinking of wearing two pairs of underwear.

And of course, I’m sitting here getting cramps, right before I have to go to a job I hate so that’s going to be fun. And it’s a fucking longass shift today too, like, I think the lady on the phone yesterday said like 11-7. Which, I get at least a half hour break and a 15 minute break, and I might actually get another 15 minute break. So I wouldn’t technically be working much longer than I usually do anyway, but it’s like, fuck, there goes my entire day. And like really, even though I turned down their last offer to fill in for someone who called in, I should have known. The second day of my shark week is usually the worst in regards to cramping and heaviness and whatnot and here I am about to put on LIGHT COLORED PANTS on my heaviest day. GREAT

I really wish I hadn’t taken this shift. I’m going to be bitchier than normal, at a job I already can’t stand.

One of the applications I filled out a couple days ago sent a mass email and was all “We’re looking for people for a part time position come in if you’re interested” and I’m like, that’s bullshit. I’m not interested in a part time position. I’m interested in a full time position. I’m not looking for this job, AND a shitty part time job. I’m interested in full time so I can quit my current job.

I don’t know,  even peace of mind that I don’t have to freak out about rent isn’t worth working this stupid, shitty job. I hate wearing a uniform to work (well, only the shirt is company issued, the khakis can be whatever) because a big part of how I express myself is through clothing, and I just feel fucking stifled and imprisoned in a uniform. And while piercings and tattoos are allowed there, you can’t dye your hair weird hair colors, and uh sorry, why am I letting my workplace dictate to me what I can and can’t do with my body anyway? Nobody should let their employers tell them what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

I shouldn’t have to “just put up with it” because it’s a job, and neither should anyone else.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to quit over the fact that I can’t dye my hair orange or anything, but I’m just in a shit mood because I’m going to be forced to stick with a job I already hate though I’ve only been there a month, with no hope of getting a job one day that I’ll actually enjoy. I’ll never be one of those people who gets to do what they love as a living. It’ll always be a hobby that I do if I’m not too emotionally drained from working a shit retail job, which I usually am. I almost never draw anymore, and unless it’s instagram pictures of the cats or whatever, I almost never take pictures anymore. The stress has just sucked all the creativity right out of me. I have trouble doing things I used to enjoy. I haven’t taken one walk this year that wasn’t like, to the convenience store when my car wasn’t working. I don’t go out into nature and take pictures anymore. I never cook anymore (other than like, eggs or boxed pasta or whatever), I haven’t baked anything in like 2 months, I just don’t have the energy or the motivation for anything.

Even the internet and video games are just something to keep me momentarily occupied so I’m not just constantly sitting here thinking about how much I hate my job. Occasionally I lament about my job WHILE on the internet, like now.

God I really wish I hadn’t taken the shift today. If I hadn’t, I could just lie down on the couch and put a movie in and wait for these cramps to go away, but no, I had to fucking take the goddamn shift. Like why do they think they can call me every single day I have off and ask me to work? I may  not have much of a life but I still have a life outside of work. Yeah, I have to work, or I wouldn’t be able to afford anything, but work is not my whole fucking life.

I’m still going to take just about every other shift they offer (not every single one), but I think I might be getting to the point where if they call and I recognize the number before picking up, I’ll just let it ring. Most of the time I’ve got my phone on silent anyway and it’s only by chance that I glanced at my phone right as they were calling.

I mean, I appreciate the extra hours, but sometimes I just want a day off. Just a day off without having to worry about the fact that I turned them down for an extra shift. Like, I thought this place was better organized than that, but how well organized are they if they have someone call in every single day and where in a month I’m about to work my 4th unscheduled shift?

I’m kind of wishing I’d said no also because, the movies I was going to return on Saturday are overdue, because I forgot the library closes at 5 on Saturday and I didn’t get off work until 7 on Saturday. Today I was finally going to go get a prepaid visa card and buy my bus ticket to CA, which I have to go to the library to print off since we don’t own a printer. And I mean, if I only work until 7 I can do all that stuff quick after I get off work, but that was really all I was going to do today. Now I have to suffer through a fucking long ass shift at a job I hate, with cramps and everything.

God I just really hate this job. I don’t want to work here anymore. I think here on this blog from now on I’m even going to avoid calling work by a name that’s close enough for people to figure it out. I haven’t put it on my facebook either like I did with Kfart.

I mean, it’s better than having no job at all, but I just can’t stand it. I just want to cry the entire time I’m forced to be there. I just can’t take another like 50  or whatever years of this shit before I’d be able to retire. I don’t want this to be the rest of my life but it probably will be. There are a ton of unskilled shitty workers who never get to work a job they enjoy, so why should I be any different