Day 234

+A bowl of cereal

+Some chicken, a tomato from my garden, and a green onion from the farmers market mixed with some mayo and put on a whole grain soft taco shell.

+A sandwich with a bit of beef and a piece of cheese (only one piece of bread). I also had some taco chips and hummus.

Also, I had like three or four large marshmallows, a package of fruit snacks and an icee. Pretty sure that’s it.

Day 233.

+Two large marshmallows at like 5am.  Later I had a bowl of cereal.

+a bowl of pasta with homemade basil pesto on it.

+A grilled cheese sandwich and half a bowl of tomato soup.

Also today, I had a bar, a couple carob nut clusters, a few sesame sticks, and another marshmallow.

Today I discovered I’m losing my taste for soda. I had a glass and a half of it today, and I enjoyed it, but it’s just not as enjoyable as it used to be.

Which is good.

Anyway, I’m tired and grumpy, and my legs hurt for some ungodly reason, so I’ll finish off my chamomile tea here and then head off to bed.

Day 232.

+A bowl of cereal and some grapes.

+A turkey burger, with only one piece of bread. I also had a few taco chips and some grapes.

+Some chicken and a baked potato.

Also today, I had a big marshmallow, a couple bars, and a few animal crackers.


Day 231

+I had a marshmallow at 5am. Several hours later I had a bowl of cereal

+ A bratwurst on a piece of bread. I also had a slice of cheese, and some waffle fries. And some cucumber

+A tuna sandwich (with one piece of bread). I also had a slice of cheese,  some cucumber, and a few taco chips and salsa.

I also had a couple bars, a few animal crackers, another two marshmallows, some grapes, and I believe that’s all.

Day 230.

Today was, err… interesting. This morning my mother, myself, and someone else who is staying with us for a while went to visit my brother at college. Most of the day went really well.  We hung out for a bit, ate lunch, laughed a LOT, did some window shopping, had a great time.

Then come about 4pm. We had met up with another two friends of ours and stopped at a restaurant for dessert and we each had an iced tea (well, the three of them did. I had a raspberry lemonade). When we got up to leave, I felt weird all of a sudden.

I won’t explain it to you, but if know what time of the month it is for me, you’ll know what I’m getting at.

The only thing different this month is that I had taken three doses of Pamprin that day, if you begin the day at 3am. The box said not to exceed 8 pills a day. A dose is two pills, so I’d only had six. The thing is… the Pamprin we got has aspirin in it. Aspirin is a blood thinner.

I will spare you the gory details, but basically I had to sit on a garbage bag the entire drive home. Figure it out.

Everything has finally returned to fairly normal. I’m getting cramps again, but I’m scared to take any more Pamprin. It’s one thing to have an issue like that when I’m awake and completely aware of everything. It’s another entirely to have that sort of issue crop up when I’m asleep.

I’ll try to tough it out but if it hits midnight or 1am and the cramps don’t begin to wane, I’ll take one Pamprin pill.  Not a full dose.

Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get to bed. I have to deliver the giant Sunday papers tomorrow, and with how crappy I feel right now I feel like I need the extra sleep.



+A chocolate revel bar at 5:30(ish)am. I later had two huge marshmallows.

+ A chicken sandwich at Village Inn. I also had a few fries.

+Didn’t really have dinner on account of how full we were. I had another chocolate revel bar, a few animal crackers, and a dessert cup full of carrot sticks.

Also, mom and I split a dessert at a different restaurant than the one we ate lunch at.

Day 229.

Well, I found out why I’ve been so disproportionately tired and cranky the past couple days. My ever-s0-lovely monthly gift began today. The reason why I didn’t think my bad moods and such were related to that is because I’m early. I had almost another week before I was supposed to get it.

Also, usually a couple days prior to getting it, I’ll feel like nothing is quite real and I’ll feel really spacey and such, but I didn’t get that feeling until after my monthly gift began. One thing I did notice that I don’t usually have is I’ve been oddly clumsy the past couple of days.

I am usually a pretty goofy, fairly clumsy, forgetful person, but it’s just been worse the past couple of days. I’ll accidentally run into things, knock things over, spill things, forget things. I forgot the laundry I put in the washer, I forgot to put butter in the banana bread I made yesterday… It’s just no fun.

I still haven’t gotten anything from my newspaper manager in response to the email I sent him telling him I put in my 30 days notice. If I don’t get an email back tomorrow, I’m goddam calling his number. Thirty days from  yesterday I WILL be done delivering the paper.

You know why? Because I got the job at kmart. I was going to be done in a month before I knew I got the other job, but this makes it easier for me to give up the paper route and not feel bad.

Henceforth, I will be calling my future workplace K because I don’t want them to be able to search my name and the store name and be able to come up with a million hits. Which is wishful thinking at this point, since no one reads this blog. However, in this day and age, I am not going to put it past an employer to google my name.

This morning before I even knew I’d gotten the job, I was having an anxiety attack over it. Basically, I knew how bad I needed the job, but I was freaking out.  What if I’m not fast enough? What if I’m not what they wanted? What if I don’t sell enough credit cards? I’ve never used a cash register before, which they knew. I also can’t do any kind of math in my head worth a damn, and as a result I’m not very good at counting out change. I can do it, it just takes me a little bit longer.

The thing I’m most worried about is my back and knees. If you didn’t know, I hurt my back when I was a hotel housekeeper during the summer of 2007. Well, it wasn’t technically my back. It was with my left hip socket, and how the thigh bone moves around in said socket. Several years ago the doctor recommended that I get an xray and some physical therapy but I didn’t because I’m poor.

I really do want to work as hard as I can, but between my lingering back issue and my terrible, terrible knees I can only physically be on my feet for so long before I have to sit down. I wonder if I’d have to have something official from a doctor to allow me to have a chair around when I’m working cash registers.

Of course, all this cash register insecurity isn’t completely founded, because something else they might have me do is be a greeter and ask people if they want to sign up for a credit card right as they walk in the door.

But then… I had a friend work for the same company, but at a different store, and she said they could get penalized for not selling enough credit cards. I will try as hard as I possibly can, but the bottom line is, if people don’t want something, THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BUY IT. No matter how cheery and inviting someone is, no matter what the rewards might be. If they don’t want it, they’re not going to buy it no matter how much you try to persuade them that they should.

One thing I do want to do is treat customers well and make them enjoy the shopping experience so they’ll want to continue shopping there. However, if the one thing they remember about a visit to the store is that someone badgered them about buying a credit card, do you think they’ll want to come back?

I’m still having my anxieties over it, but it’s not an immediate concern because orientation is on Tuesday from 1-3. I don’t want it to ruin possibly my very last weekend of freedom.

Speaking of freedom, I need to make sure I’m not working next Saturday (a week from tomorrow) because my family and I will be out of town.

Anyway, I still have some fucking dishes to do so I’m going to hurry and get done with this piece of crap blog


+A bowl of cereal.

+A chicken taco.

+Another chicken taco. Yeah. So much variety.

Also, I had a few of these animal cracker things, a piece of cheese, a cucumber, a bar, and I think that’s it.


Day 228.

Today was weird again. I can’t just be happy for one entire day.

I’ve been feeling bitchy and crabby lately, and this morning I reached the apex. I was cursing and bitching the entire paper route. I actually put in my 30 days notice, via email to my newspaper supervisor. He hasn’t checked his email yet, but he doesn’t work every day so today was probably his day off or something.

The background check for the store I might work at has still not come in. I called today and the lady said that if it wasn’t in by tomorrow afternoon, she was going to call the background check people and see what the holdup was.

I’m really nervous about that. On one hand, I really need the job. I really, REALLY need the job. I need to pay my dad back for my bike repair, I need to actually send regular payments on my fine like I set up with the people on the phone. Most importantly, I need to save up to move the fuck out. I don’t care if I have to take the shittiest studio apartment, I need to move out.

For fuck’s sake, I’m 24 years old, and I still live with my parents. That’s downright pathetic.

However, I didn’t come here to beat myself up, so I’ll move on. The reason I’m nervous for this job is that… I have an odd phobia of working for any company large enough to have a corporate office, and like Headquarters and shit. I suspect it’s my social anxiety again, but I’m just really nervous. What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t work well enough, or fast enough? What if they fire me after a week because I’m not “up to par” or “where they thought I would be” yet?

Also… I really need this job, but it’s going to make me feel like a caged bird, like they own me, and I really hate feeling trapped.

Which is stupid. Not having that job is what would really trap me. I can’t stay here forever, barely making any money, biding my time until my parents finally throw me out.

Ugh. Whatever. I want to get this stupid blog posted so I can get the fuck out of here.


+Bowl of mini wheats

+Two scrambled eggs with some chopped onion, green pepper, and tomato.

+had a chicken taco with a soft taco shell (also added some lettuce, refried beans, sour cream, salsa, and a bit of cheese).

I also had some generic goldfish crackers (hint: don’t buy the ones at Aldis. They’re edible but nowhere near as good as the generic Target goldfish) and a few gummy soda cans. And a couple pieces of banana bread.

My clothes still fit well and all, but when I weighed myself today I was back at 245. I vary two or three pounds pretty much every time I weigh myself, but I can’t fucking gain weight already. I haven’t lost nearly enough. If I could just quit fucking eating, we’d have it made.