But the fool on the hill sees the sun going down…

And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around…
-“Fool on the Hill”, by the Beatles.

So, in case you were wondering, the majority of this entry will probably be of my long winded ranting because…well because today sucked and I didn’t really want to put all this shit on my facebook. And anyway it’s been eons since I’ve updated this blog

So I don’t know if you know, but when I woke up on either Friday morning or Saturday morning, I awoke with this terrible back pain. Akin to the pain I was in during the summer of 2007 when I worked hotel housekeeping. I had to miss a week of work back then, and I got prescribed a muscle relaxant for “back strain”. And oh do I wish I’d saved some of that medication.
Anyway, I didn’t think much of it at first because this sort of thing has happened before. Even before the back strain thing in ’07. One Christmas, I believe it was, I was having the same kind of problems but they were basically gone in a day or two.

As I said, I didn’t think a whole lot of it. At that point, I could either stand or sit comfortably, but it was switching between the two that caused me most of my discomfort. My mom had been ill so I didn’t do a whole lot of complaining because she had more problems than I did. Womanly issues, a tooth issue so bad she had to get pain medication for it… a bunch of stuff. Plus her uncle is in the hospital so my problems seemed small in comparison.

Then it was Sunday, and I wasn’t feeling any better. Despite not feeling any better I decided to go see a movie with a good friend of mine from high school. The theatre is in walking distance. At that point, I could still either sit or stand, but getting up/sitting down hurt like a bitch. I could sufficiently walk half a mile to the theatre…

Then Monday (today) came, and I had originally planned to make a doctor’s appointment today if my back wasn’t starting to feel better. Well it wasn’t, but I don’t have health insurance, so I decided to wait it out one more day. At this point mom is still not feeling great, and my dad has chronic pain so he’s always in pain… that combined with my ill great uncle… everyone’s in a great mood as you can well imagine.
I can’t even remember what the argument started over this morning but it included the customary dad yelling at me that I needed to find another job, as if that is the cause of all my problems, mother bringing up my driving related lapse of judgement and saying shit to me along the lines of “if you hadn’t fucked up in college you could have a degree already”… and it escalated to the point of dad telling me and I quote “You are a burden on everyone’s life”.
And that is basically what ended that discussion because I went upstairs to escape after that. I partly have to give credit to “Mr. Bellamy” by Paul McCartney, and “Heal the Pain” by Paul McCartney and George Michael for turning off the water works….
At this point my dad was getting ready for work, came upstairs for something, and had the audacity to ask me if I still had a job. Because last week I only worked one day, and this week they didn’t schedule me for Monday. This is not a regular thing. But he still asked me.

Um, trust me. If I didn’t have a job you would know about it. Lying has gotten me nowhere in the past, so why the fuck do you think I’d keep up a masquerade like that if I’d gotten fired. I’d have been too upset to contain myself…
Moving on.

I was in a better mood after that but my back is still plaguing me. You know before, where I said I could stand up straight? I can’t fully stand up at all. You know how old ladies look that have to use walkers to get around? That’s what I look like, without the walker.

Not to mention the fact that my lovely time of the month is only just beginning to draw to a close, so in addition to my back pain and regular stress, the hormonal imbalance is a lot of fun.

So, a bit earlier today I had to get more bitching from my mother about my weight. Along the lines of “You’re getting heavier and heavier and your back problems keep getting worse and worse” blah blah blah.
Let me clue you in on something mother dear. I have been staying around the same weight. I weigh myself. Sure maybe I’ve gained a little, whoop de doo. I’ve been trying to eat less. I’ve gotten myself off energy drinks, I’m back to soda. Eventually I’ll even be off that.

I can’t walk to town because… I can’t stand up straight to walk. And I can barely make it from this room to the bathroom without needing to stop and rest my back. It’s getting to that point.
I used to ride my bike but the chain busted, and dad has been too busy watching his goddam ESPN and NFL network to bother fixing my bike. And I’ve only ridden my mom’s bike once, I doubt she’d appreciate if I did it again, plus she’d probably bitch to me about how I’m too heavy and how I might break/bend it or something, I don’t know.

About the job. I look in classified ads. You want to show me a job I’d be qualified for, for which can be found an ad in the paper? Then I’d take a bath and get dressed up right now to go and apply.
But there hasn’t been anything. As it is, I’m lucky to be have this 3 days a week 4-5 hours a day job that I have.
If I have a problem, my parents think it can either be solved by losing weight or getting another job.
Do they THINK they are helping? Do they think I do not want a better job? Because if they do, they’d be wrong. They just think everything that comes out of my mouth is an excuse. Even if it’s a valid reason.

And I know one of you is going to reply to this and say well save up and move out. Believe me, I’m trying to do that. I haven’t gotten any word about the apartment I was supposed to get, or I’d be there. Even if I couldn’t afford food, I would be there.

But… all of that aside. I’m making a doctor’s appointment as soon as they goddam open tomorrow morning. I have given my back ample time to start to feel better but I only feel worse. I wish I weighed less so it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but right now that doesn’t help. My back hasn’t been the same since summer 07. It’s been festering on and off for little over two goddam years. Even if I was 125lbs, it would still be a problem to some degree.

If you’ve made it this far you deserve a cookie, or a gold star or something.

But honestly. I know I need to move out, and believe me I’m trying to find a way to make it happen but I just can’t do it right now. I get bitched at when I eat my parents’ food… but then when I start buying some of my own food as I have begun to do, I get bitched at that I need to save that money to move out.

Fucks sake, man. Make up your goddam mind. I’m trying to help you out by buying some of my own food, and buying my own shampoo and shit, okay? Sure I need to save some money. But I can’t keep mooching off all your shit…. ugh.

Anyway. Back to the doctor’s appointment. I imagine I have a similar issue going on now as I did back in ’07. If I do, and I get prescribed a muscle relaxant, the only issue is… We got paid last week but I haven’t picked up my check yet. And I’m worried that if I ask my parents to get my medication at this point and that I’ll pay them back when I get my paycheck, they’ll say no. It’s not like I’m not going to pay them. I have the money. Just not with me.
Should that be the case, I have to work on Wednesday, and there’s no way I can work like this. If I could get to where I could stand upright I could…

I feel bad for the bitchy things I’ve said to my parents today… but honestly, they pick the worst times to have these sort of big life changing discussions about jobs, moving out, and weight. They bitch at me, they yell at me, and even though things like “You are a burden on everyone’s life” are said in the anger of the moment, they get to me…. And then they wonder why I am inclined to dislike them.

It’s just… not helping the depression any. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but I can bet you all the money in the world I have depression to some degree. And it’s probably manic depression too. Where I’ll have these moments of incredible highs when I’m in the best mood in the world… then I’ll hit these lows of epic proportions, those ones when you feel like everyone hates you, you’re not good at anything, you have no energy or motivation whatsoever, and feel as though you have no worth at all…

And I can’t get any sympathy about the no energy/motivation thing from my parents, they dismiss it as me merely being lazy and looking for an excuse not to do anything.

And this frustrates me to no end. I wish I had the motivation to do lots of housework, because believe it or not I prefer a cleaner house. I wish I had the motivation to work out, because it would be good for my weight, and it can improve mood. But when you have to work just to make yourself do mundane things like dishes every day… getting up enough motivation to work out is next to impossible.

They accuse me of being addicted to the internet, but I’m only on the internet all day because it distracts me from my depression and my feelings of no worth. I talk to lots of people on the web. I play some online games. I can do without internet as I have previously proven…
As for finding something else to do, I can’t even get up the motivation to draw or take many pictures anymore, and you know aside from music, photography and drawing are some of my very favorite things to do.

I know I need help with the depression shit, but I have no insurance, and since I live with my parents, I can’t get any assistance with anything.

I know you’ve all heard this before but… ugh. I’m just back to one of those times in my life where I’m stuck on a turbo powered merry go round and I can’t seem to find enough footing to launch myself off of it.
I need a job to earn money to move out to be able to get assistance to work on some of my problems. I need to work on my problems so I can be motivated to work out/go back to school/find another job. And I need the job to earn the money I need for all that stuff… and it just keeps going.

I don’t want to sound shallow, but the one good thing about my life right now is that Vanessa and I are back on speaking terms. As in ‘speaking on the phone for 2 hours straight’ speaking terms. She’s having a bunch of issues in her life, and my problems literally pale in comparison to hers. But I’m glad we both have someone to talk to again to see if we can’t try to help each other through the shit we’re going through.

I just hope shit starts getting better. I’m really trying to get there but it seems like I keep getting shot down, whether of my depression’s fault or through the world’s carelessness with me. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m going to end this entry, contemplate my actions for tomorrow, finish my mountain dew, and finish watching “Magical Mystery Tour” on youtube to try to maybe shed a little light on my less than shiny and bright mood/situation.

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