Frustration

Tonight I’d like to vent about an issue that has long been a major source in my frustration: jobs.

Now, I’ve been employed part time at a store I like to call K-Derp (t0 avoid these posts showing up in searches with the real company name) for nearing a year and a half. I am very thankful to have this job. I’m really lucky to have this job.

However, I don’t get a lot of hours. I also still live at home, and I really thought I’d be done having this argument with my folks by now, but they keep bitching that I need to look for another job or get more hours.

Get more hours? That’d be great, but everyone’s had their hours cut. Not just me. Get another job? That would be great, but the job market is a pile of turds right now.

Now, in the past, a few years ago, when I was still a little shit, I would lie about having looked for work. Now that I actively check the job listings, but still find no available jobs for which I am qualified, I still end up with the same result; nothing.

Back then I would use the job market as an excuse to not have to look for jobs.

I know basically all of this is my fault; in the past, for lying. Once one lies they become harder to believe, even if they are telling the truth.

And I am. I am telling the truth.

It’s just so frustrating because they don’t believe me. I am looking through the job listings, and I just can’t seem to find anything for which I’d be qualified.

I guess the biggest annoyance for me is when my folks keep insisting that I “go out and look for work”.

Now, ignoring the fact that I just had to call my father from work because one of my car’s tires was nearly flat (meaning he had to drive to meet me there, then pump up my tire, and follow me the whole way home while air steadily leaked out of my tire), going out and looking for jobs is a waste of time.

Almost everyone does their applications online now. Driving around to places would be a waste of my time, my gas, and thusly my money.

I don’t know if part of the reason is because in some ways my parents are still old fashioned. In many ways, I could have had way worse parents, but it’s not like 1984 anymore. I can’t just pop into any old store and fill out an application and be hired on the spot.

I have a coworker who has put in applications at 40+ places, and hasn’t heard a single thing from any of them because none of the places are advertising jobs wanted.

So, I feel that using up my gas going around to a bunch of places that aren’t even hiring is a fruitless endeavor.

However, my past actions are I’m sure painting the same picture in my parents’ minds; that I’m not looking, and I’m just telling them what they want to hear to get them off my back.

Which couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I guess I’m just irritated that in a lot of ways, my parents will not listen to me. I am past the age where this should be an issue, but I can’t talk to my parents about anything. My dad just dismisses me as a bum dumbass and has actually burst out and called me a leech. I can’t go to my mom with my frustrations about not getting hours at work because all she does is repeat “Well that’s why you need to start looking for another job blahblahblahblah” like she’s a broken record. I’ve even stopped showing her my artwork because all she says is “SEE YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET PAID FOR THAT etc”.

Also, largely I feel that my mother still has that outlook of “You have to decide to do something and just do it”. She tends to give people complexes about the most insignificant things (once screaming at me because ‘I had washed her good socks with the rest of the laundry and apparently turned them blue’). So at the age when most people can go to their parents for adult-y advice, I’m trying not to eat in front of my mother lest she make a “You’ve been eating a lot lately you need to lose weight” comment, and her fuse is sometimes so short that I’m even afraid to do a load of laundry for her, lest she react with “OH NO, those were my GOOD clothes”, which she did once when dad did some laundry for her once.

It’s like, no matter what valid points I feel like I have to make, I am dismissed and assumed to be stupid, so I can hardly have a discussion about anything with them. At all.

Some of this is just frustration at me still living here; at an age where their minds should be on travel and house buying and things they want to do before they get really old, they still have me to worry about.

I know I would rather be on my own, and if I could, believe me, I’d already be gone.

In a lot of ways I bounced back from a terrible low, what with not having my license and all, but I’ve kind of plateaued.

I constantly worry about my crappy car, what happens when it croaks? There’s no way I can afford another one, or anything other than cheap repairs on it. I can’t afford to go to the dentist, even though I’ve had two teeth in the past year have part chip right off. I can’t afford the chiropractor, for a problem I’m not even sure is my back (it’s the way the upper part of my left leg rotates in that hip socket).

I’m stuck at a dead end part time mcjob, and with my meager earnings from that am trying to do something

I know in the last few months of 2012 I did some costly things I probably shouldn’t have done, but even that was my frustration at never having money to do what I want, so when I did have the money but couldn’t technically afford to do something, I did it anyway (like going to 3 concerts).

I don’t know. I just feel like I’m stuck. Stuck at a job I hate with parents  who won’t listen to me, stuck in a state I hate.

I know that almost everyone out there has it worse than I do but I can’t deal with this anymore. Something has to give.

The way it stands, I’m going to try to be saving up money from now through the summer, and in the fall I’m going to look into moving somewhere in California. I haven’t done much research yet so I’m not sure exactly what location I’d be aiming for, but I figure if I wait until the fall I’ll have enough money to move me somewhere and then tide me over until I found work.

I just don’t want to be like my parents, nearing 50 (0r already past in dad’s case) thinking about all the things they wanted to do in life but didn’t get around to. I don’t want to be here at 50 wishing I’d had the balls to move someplace else.

All of this is a lot to think about on a Saturday night when I’ve just had a boring shift at work and then a wonderful car problem induced evening, so I’m just going to sip on my vodka and sprite and try to relax.

I feel a little better having vented, so thanks for being around for that, though I’m more than used to having exactly zero readers here.

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