Nothing much to report.

Well, it’s the last day of the month. We’re now only one month and 9 days away from my 30th birthday. Boy does it feel weird to be here, in both cases. I’d liked to think that after the BS I’d been through prior to moving to this area, the hardest would be behind me, but this year so far has been extremely challenging.

I was really hoping this would be my year (I bastardize the song This will be our year by the Zombies every New Years, basically), but just a few days into it, Bowie left us, and it’s really kind of been downhill from there. I mean, things were going to shit before that, but it seems like it all really hit the industrial sized fan after that. And that’s not to say the rest of this year will be a shitshow (see, I am trying to be positive) but it’s just been incredibly difficult. I was reading back through a couple of the notebooks I used to write in to pass the time while I was trapped at work, and as recently as back in March, every other entry was about how much I hated that job, how trapped I felt, and about just how much I cried at work, and wished I could just end it all if that was going to be my life.

I’m kind of in a better position now, but I’m still unemployed, 2 months after finally leaving that job. After bills and a haircut I’ll still have little over 300 dollars in the bank. At the same time that I’m enjoying this much needed downtime, I’m really starting to feel the pressure.

As I’ve said many times before, my parents obviously only want what’s best for me and are concerned for my wellbeing, but I’m infinitely more stressed about it when they mention it than I am when I’m alone. Obviously this isn’t going to go on forever, and every single weekday I put in 3-5 online applications, so I am actively looking and making an effort.

I still wonder if I should have left that job, but I know I couldn’t stay there, and I know going back isn’t an option because my problems with it would all be the same and would simply pick up where they left off, only worse because I would have tried to leave and failed.

And honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I’m a lot better off this time around. I have HUD paying the entirety of my rent until I find a job, and I have food stamps for another couple months, so right now all I really need to worry about paying are my internet and electric bills.

I don’t know. I’m pretty stressed out right now so I should probably move on.

My cousin’s wedding is this Sunday, so I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow. I wanted to wait until as long as possible, but my last trim was in mid July. I have an undercut so not a whole lot needs to be done, but it needs a trim badly just the same. I’m lucky enough to have a couple of salons in town that offer pretty good prices and that I’d been satisfied with when there previously, though I definitely have my favorite.

I should probably do some laundry at some point today so I should probably get going.

Another day.

Pretty much sums it up. I’m out of clever ideas for blog entries only I will ever read. LOL.

Not a whole lot has happened recently, to be perfectly honest.

I forgot my meds at my folks’ house last weekend (not this past weekend, the weekend previous) when I visited, so I stopped at their house briefly on Saturday to pick them up. I stayed a couple hours, watched a movie, did a load of laundry, that sort of thing, then came back home to my apartment. It didn’t make sense for me to drive 45 minutes to their house, do nothing but pick up my meds, and be on my merry, you know?

I could definitely tell that I’d been without meds for a few days, because I did almost nothing in the house, went 3 days without showering, etc.

But I’m a little frustrated because it seems to dull everything. I talked with my therapist about how it seems like the beehive where my creativity used to be just isn’t buzzing anymore. Like someone has built a brick wall over it. I was getting kind of upset about it. I used to draw all the time. Granted it was at work, when I really didn’t have the option of doing anything else, but even before that. I used to draw all the time. Or I’d get really excited about an awesome drawing I wanted to do and then in the span of 8 hours, I could go from sketch to fully completed inked and colored drawing. I don’t do that anymore, really.

I can’t tell if it’s because I’m at a different point in my life where I am responsible for things like bills (and rent, if HUD wasn’t paying my rent for the moment), or it’s the meds talking. I can’t tell the difference anymore, and it seems that I am less able to trust my own opinion of something. I’m honestly not sure. It seems that I’m currently not sure of much of anything.

I don’t want to say I feel numb because I most certainly do still feel anxiety and other things but everything just seems dulled. I had to drink 10 cups of coffee yesterday just to be able to draw for a couple hours, something I haven’t been able to do (the drawing bit, not the coffee bit) for ages.

I mean I guess it’s good if the bad shit is dulled but it seems like I am unable to hit the level of excitement for doing things that I used to be. The only thing that really gets me any level of excited anymore is grocery shopping, which is fucking weird (but I’m fat and like food, so I guess it’s not all that weird).

And like, that’s not 100 percent true all the time. I’ll laugh at stand up comedy on youtube, or at something silly my cat does, and I still enjoy playing video games.

I recently in the last few weeks got my antidepressant dose doubled, but at my next psych appointment in little over a week, I’m going to ask if we can’t go back down to the previous dose and see how that works.I have read that sometimes anti depressants can increase the very feelings they are trying to fix, and while I can’t say my depressive symptoms are worse it seems like my ability to really enjoy things has dulled a little.

My therapist said since I’m currently unemployed I feel extra pressure to feel that I’m being productive in some way, and it’s very true. I said I have a hard time sitting still to read (which I used to do literally ALL the time) because I always need to be doing something. Whether that’s playing a video game, doing a minor household chore, whatever, and she’s definitely right.

I don’t know anymore, man. Life is weird. I sometimes have a harder time being able to articulate my thoughts the way I want. I don’t want to say I’m confused because that seems to harsh a word to illustrate my point, but I sometimes find it harder to think of the word I want to use or what I’m trying to say.

Hopefully going back to my previous dose of anti depressant helps a little. At this point I don’t feel that it helps to better manage my anxiety/depression, and it only kind of dulls me into a mild stupor (which I’ve never been a stranger to, let’s be honest LOL).

It looks as if it could rain outside, so I should probably wrap this up, get my normal poke-walk taken care of, and then get my ass home.

It’s been a few days

I skipped this weekend because I was staying at my parents’ place. We took grandpa out to eat for an early birthday present, so I sort of thought I should be present for that. Came back to my place on Monday morning, and by then I was way too exhausted to do anything. I knew I had an interview 45 minutes away on Tuesday (yesterday) and I was hella stressed about that. Not only because, hello, interviews are always stressful, but because I’d never driven to this particular town myself (though I’ve been there many times in the past) and I hate driving anywhere that includes an interstate. I’m also pretty nervous when driving in urban areas.

I’ve basically lived in small towns my entire life, I’ve never been comfortable driving in any large amount of traffic. For me, anxiety magnifies every normal, totally sensible worry people have. Yeah, you should be cautious on the road, but to my anxiety, sometimes every person on the road with me (especially semis) are mere moments away from ramming me off the road and making my van explode, or something equally ridiculous.

So anyway. Fast forward to yesterday. My interview wasn’t until 10, but I left the house at 8. I’m always paranoid I’ll get lost, take a wrong turn somewhere, etc. I literally got there before 9. The mall within sight of the place I was to interview at, the doors were open but nothing worth anything opened until 10. So I decided to browse a goodwill nearby. I found a cute little “home sweet home” coffee mug (similar to THIS one), and two Johnny Cash records.

When I got to the place (it’s a hotel, I interviewed for housekeeping), they didn’t seem to know of any interview scheduled for 10am. My paranoia is good for little else, save for my obsessive double/triple/etc checking and verifying of shit. I checked my email a million times, the only other hotel I applied at was a completely different hotel, for a completely different position. When I got the call from this particular hotel, I wrote it down on a note. Name of the hotel (I’m obviously not stating it here). 10am.

They found my resume but they said they were telling me what the times were going to be and the phone hung up on them. This whole situation was very confusing, and my sister whom I IMed with afterwards, said they were just being disorganized. But I swear on my ancestors, this place called me, set up a time for an interview, and everything was jolly.

She went on with the interview, since I was there, but it just made me feel like shit. What if I made a bad first impression on them? I cried when I got back out to my van. As if driving 45 minutes to a place I’ve never driven myself before isn’t stressful enough. Etc.

Obviously human beings are imperfect and everybody with a business to run has found themselves lacking in the organization department from time to time, but as I said earlier, anxiety just magnifies everything.

The interview didn’t take very long, so I decided to visit a grocery store in the area that we don’t have where I live. Then, since the mall was right there, I went to spencers, which is where I get my ear gauges from. They have a punch card where every 6 earrings you buy, you get one free. Truth be told, if I had more than one punch left before getting a pair free, I would have skipped it. But I got 4g plugs, and then some 2g plugs, for when I’m ready to size these up. I’m honestly not sure how much bigger than 2g I want to go with these, maybe one more size up. I’m not looking to go huge with these. They’re in my second ear piercing (I previously had my lobes pierced 5 times each). I wanted to both gauge my ears and be able to still wear normal earrings, so this seemed like a nice compromise.

After that I drove home, where I promptly put on my pjs and held my cat while crying because holy shit was that whole entire situation stressful as fuck. Doesn’t help that I left my meds at my parents’ house. I think this weekend I’ll make a stop by. I’ll come up with some excuse (because I usually only visit every other weekend) but I can’t wait 2 weeks for my meds. I’ve missed for several days before so this isn’t anything new, but 2 weeks, no thank you sir. Maybe I’ll visit my grandparents (who live like a block away from my parents). Idk. I’ll think of something before we hit that point. I can’t believe it’s already freaking Wednesday. It seems like the weekend was literally yesterday.

Idk. I don’t feel like I’m quite dissociating, but everything feels just a little off. Still, if nothing else, I made myself walk to the library and put in my customary online apps a day. I’ll be doing the rest of my walk here shortly, albeit a little odd route because I think I’ll stop at the grocery store to get some chicken breast, perhaps. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t buy red meat, and I only buy fish very very rarely. Pretty much the only meat I buy is chicken, and once in a great while, some bacon. I don’t eat meat every day, and at some point I’d like to cut it out entirely. But let’s face it. I’m from the midwest. Our two biggest exports in this state are corn and pork, basically.

Dammit, I’m making myself hungry.


Well, here we are.

I’m honestly out of creative titles at this point. And I don’t really use song lyrics anymore because I’m tired of being bitched at when my blog entries show up when someone searches for the lyrics of whatever song I used so here we are.

Regarding my van, dad was in town before I was even out of my pjs and I didn’t know it, so I had to quick get up, throw on some decent clothes, and walk over. Where we stood in the sun in the grocery store parking lot for ages. And went to two different car places to be told the tire was junk. It had like, 3 distinct puncture marks that almost look like somebody jabbed it with a knife, but who knows. And there’s actually a big scratch along the driver’s side that I didn’t notice before now (it’s pretty much the same color as the paint of the stupid ass’ truck who I watched back into my van so it’s possible it’s from that and I’m just now noticing it). So now I owe my dad $115, and I feel even worse and more stressed about the job situation.

I realize this situation could have been much worse, but I felt bad the entire time dad was helping me. He had to make a what, 40 minute drive here and back home, and plus had to drive me around town and paid for the tire with his credit card (he obviously expects to be paid back when I get a job, even though I offered to get the money out of my bank account today). I don’t know. It’s like,  yesterday basically majorly fucked up a decent streak I’d been having. Now I don’t know. I cried so hard yesterday I still kind of have a headache.

I don’t know. I’ve pretty much been depressed all day. Granted, I did laundry, and I made myself walk here, so this too could have been worse. I just feel like shit and still feel like it doesn’t even matter that I’m here, putting in online apps.

It takes me so much energy just to put the basic amount of effort into getting dressed in the morning, the thought of dressing nice and actually driving around to places to ask about jobs… I just simply do not have the energy for that right now. I really don’t. And if a place is corporate run, they’re only going to tell me to do the application online, 9/10 I’d bet. And it’s so hard for me to get myself to walk into little mom and pop type places that’d be more likely to have physical paper applications, and I’m pretty much convinced that the second I ask they’ll be all ‘We’re not looking’.

I don’t know. I’m trying not to drive much so I can conserve gas.

I don’t know. I know I won’t get much of anything done beyond the dishes today.

I know nobody operates at maximum power 100% of the time, but it just makes me feel shitty. I wanted this week to start out the way last week did, with me busting ass getting a big chore done in the morning, a shower, my normal walk route, etc. It took me a massive amount of energy today just to shower and get dressed, so for today I guess it’s good enough that I’m putting in a few online apps, going on my normal walk route, and going home to recuperate.

I’m just so tired of constantly feeling guilty about existing

What did I do to deserve this shit?

You know that good mood I was in this morning? Gone. My food stamp card came in the mail today so I was excitedly going through the shopper picking out groceries I was going to get and actually thought to myself ‘Today is a good day’ while looking up at the blue sky. I’ve been struggling with being positive, and my inner dialogue is so self defacing and negative that it was a big deal.

I get to the grocery store and park and I have a completely flat tire on my rear drivers side of my van.

I just got this van a little shy of 4 months ago and it’s been hit twice while sitting parked in front of my apartment (I only witnessed one of these incidents) and the guy who gave me his name and phone number isn’t returning my texts. And now a fucking flat tire. What’s more, when calling my dad to ask what I should do, when he asked how the job search was going, grumbled and said “you know how I feel about online applications” because though progressive in a lot of ways is still convinced that unless you ‘hit the pavement for 8hrs a day’ you won’t ever get hired.

That’s just what I needed to hear. I was calm through the entire phone call and when telling the staff my van has a flat and it would be in the parking lot overnight. I was so proud of myself for not freaking out and now I can’t stop sobbing and yelling.

What did I ever do to deserve this? We may have discovered the root of my problems discussed earlier today. No matter what I do, something always goes wrong. No matter what “progress” I’ve made or what I get done in the house or the 3 job apps I put in today or the what, 10 online apps I put in last week, no, something is always going to happen and completely ruin everything. It doesn’t matter, and it will never get better. I know life isn’t easy for anyone but what the fuck did I do to deserve all the fucking terrible shit that’s happened to me, and all the mental problems and feeling like a prisoner in my own body? I thought I was a good albeit imperfect person, but I must be a horrible person if this stuff keeps happening to me



Freedom stuck in my head

Sounds all deep and philosophical and shit but really, I just have the song by Richie Havens stuck in my head. Oops.

Well, it looks like my previous entry was on Thursday.

After going pretty gung ho cleaning in my apartment the first three days of last week, I kind of ran out of that energy the rest of the week.

Once again the cat has scattered cat food all over the kitchen and litter all around the catbox, and I actually sprinkled a little catnip for her to roll around in, so I need to vacuum the kitchen again. Although granted it won’t be as time consuming as when I vacuumed it last week.

I also need to vacuum a little in the living room again. I don’t have a kitchen/dining room table as it were, so I eat all of my meals on the couch, in front of the tv. So there are crumbs, basically. And cat hair on the couch.

I know I need to get a vacuum of my own (as I’m borrowing my parents’ at the moment), but it’s not an immediate priority. Plus, I don’t need a fancy assed bagless upright like my parents have, just get me a little shitty dirt devil type handheld for spot cleaning and I’ll be fine. If my job situation doesn’t do well enough between now and Christmas, I’ll ask for one for Christmas.

Yesterday, I made brownies/blondies swirled together, but they’re a little too moist and they’re kind of prone to falling apart. I’ve decided that once I get my food stamp card, I’m going to get almond bark or whatever to cover them and make ‘truffles’ out of them. They taste pretty good. I just made the brownie batter too runny and then didn’t bake them for long enough. When you go, yeah, I can put two recipes each meant for 8×8 pans into a large rectangular cake pan, it will totally work… yeah. Plus the oven in my apartment is realistically probably older than I am. And the other day, I had to close the oven door three times before the right side hinge on the oven door went in the right way (which is a problem I’d never had with it before). Just to clue you in as to the quality of said baking apparatus. I also did dishes several times, finished making  yellow/green/blue layered jello, and reheated some homemade beef stew (that dad made and sent home with me a couple weeks ago) with spaghetti noodles thrown in because I wasn’t in the mood for soup but I also wasn’t in the mood to cook anything from scratch lol. And I’m trying not to buy any more food whatsoever until I get my food stamp card in the mail. Realistically I could probably make it for a couple solid weeks without buying any more food, but I would run out of fresh veg/milk/shit like that. Whatever. It’ll just give me incentive to make stuff from scratch and be a little more creative.

Already today I submitted 3 online applications, and put a load of laundry in the wash at home. I need to hang said laundry up when I get back home, and then make an early lunch/late breakfast.

When I was working the call center job, I would pretty much eat at 6:30 in the morning, then again at 10 o clock break, then again at lunch break, then again at my 2:30 break, and then again after getting home at 4:30. At the moment, though, even if I open the fridge when I first stumble in the kitchen in the morning, I find that I honestly don’t get hungry until about this time of day (it’s 10:30am here currently) and then I’m like, well hell, it’s close enough to lunch time that I may as well wait until 11 something and then just call it brunch.

Granted, I am not by any means a completely healthy eater (the other night I literally made fancy ramen with veg and a boiled egg and everything at 12 o clock in the morning), and I haven’t lost any weight at the time of my last psychologist appointment (they’re the ones that prescribe you shit right? We have to video chat at the mental health place because he lives in Georgia or whatever). But it’s really nice not to have that stressful as fuck job dictating to me when I eat anymore.

Although yesterday, I was digging my homemade cold brew coffee so much that I drank way too much of it and the afternoon was one huge uncomfortable anxiety spike for no fucking reason. I have to be careful with caffeine. I used to be the person that drank highly caffeinated soda and didn’t bat an eyelash, who could order like triple shot espressos and barely even feel it, who could drink energy drinks and all manner of caffeine and not even give a shit. Now, if I indulge in an energy drink (which is a very rare occasion now) I literally have to sip on one single energy drink ALL DAMN DAY LONG or I think I’m going to die.

I have to be equally careful with coffee now. I’m far more sensitive to caffeine than I used to be. And honestly, sometimes it’s a gamble. I recall being highly caffeinated a few months ago and churning out an entire drawing in only a couple hours, and it was that euphoric creativity that made caffeine an enjoyable experience for me in the past. Other times, though, if I have more than two cups of coffee, I feel uncomfortable for no fucking reason and have so much energy that I can’t do anything and it cycles back around to feeling like I have no energy. IDK. Anxiety is a strange beast, especially with depression riding it around like a damn cowboy on a bucking bronco.

I honestly probably won’t do much of anything else today other than finishing up the dishes, and possibly cooking some sushi rice so I can make sushi to go along with one of those la choy stir fry kits I have in my pantry. And obviously hanging up the load of towels/rags/undies in the washer.

And this is once again giving me unnecessary guilt. I spoke with my therapist about this no matter what I do it isn’t enough or doesn’t matter feeling. This, no matter what I do I should have done more, feeling. I have no idea where this even comes from. Other than feeling like I’ve constantly and consistently let everyone down my entire life. It honestly serves no purpose. And when asked about my self esteem I have no idea what to say. Because on one hand, I literally don’t give a blistered, bleeding fuck what anybody thinks, and am confident in who I am as a person, and on the other hand, I constantly crave everyone’s approval and if I don’t get any I feel a failure as a person. I honestly don’t get it. As if it fucking matters if someone else approves of what I do. It’s like I constantly need advice because I feel like I’ll just fuck it up if I do it myself. If it’s not what someone else would have done, it feels like I did it “wrong”. I still can’t seem to get away from this underlying guilt/anxiety sitting just below the surface of what appears to be a somewhat productive day. I always thought once I actually started taking incentive and being productive I would feel better because I’m actually doing something and not just sitting on my ass all day, but I honestly almost feel worse.

Because I always think I should do more, but that’s not the solution either. Unless I literally spend every moment from the time I stumble out of bed until the time I stumble back into it submitting job apps or doing a chore, I won’t feel satisfied. And I simply do not have the stamina, or the spoons, for that. And let’s say I did one or two job apps an hour all day long, I would pass out in the evening going “fuck I should have put in just one more I’m a complete failure and should feel guilty for everything and why didn’t I also do the laundry and all the dishes”.

It’s hard to remember that at the end of the day, I do have illnesses that affect my life in a tangible way. Bad enough to affect daily activity and majorly affect my quality of life but not bad enough to get me on disability. I obviously don’t wish my problems were worse so I could get disability, but my therapist agreed that I was one of those people that falls through the cracks sometimes.

And really, in the grand scheme of things I could have it much worse. I’m on HUD right now that will pay the entirety of my rent until I find a job (at which point I only have to pay a percentage of my income as rent), I’m about to get food stamps for the next three months, and I have enough in my bank account to cover my bills for several months. It’s not like I’m gonna get thrown out into the street this afternoon. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.

Anyway, I’m really lazy but I only have like 1.4km left to walk to hatch two 5km eggs on pokemon go so I should wrap this up.

Okay just one more thing. Bitch about pokemon go all you want but since I joined on the 7th of July, it’s gotten me to go on literally 100% more walks than I would normally go on. I’m literally that lazy and shallow.


A change in plans for today

Well kids, the plan for today has changed a little. For one, I’m writing this on my phone at home, so it’ll be far less wordy than I am accustomed to.

It’s been raining since before I woke up this morning. I rolled out of bed, and went to the only open window in the house to survey the situation, and I was greeted to cat barf in the window. Although to my cat’s credit, my entire apartment is carpeted so she picked the one place where it’d be easiest to clean.

There’s still a sizeable patch of precipitation set to go over my area, so my walk around town to pokestops probably isn’t going to happen.

And my tidying up the house? Probably not going to be more than doing the dishes and just a little minor tidying up in the living room.

I’m thinking I’ll skip the library today, as I can’t imagine there will have been any new job postings since yesterday.

I  have a mental health appointment at 1 so I’ll still be getting out of the house. At that time I will go on a short walk to hit a few of the pokestops near the public parking lot I park in when I have therapy appointments.

I’m having trouble fielding all of my self guilt, which it’s really fucking too early fot at 9 in the goddamn morning. This whole week so far I’ve been fucking drowning in guilt for no reason.

When you look at the sum of what I’ve done cleaning-wise in the apartment the last three months it can’t even come close to what I’ve done in the last 3 days alone, yet I feel guilty.  I’ve probably put in like 5 job apps this week yet I feel guilty because my social anxiety won’t let me make those follow up calls, which my dad’s advice from years past has me convinced are the reason I’m not getting hired anywhere.

I’ve walked a minimum of 2 miles each day for the previous 3 days, yet I still feel guilty every time I sit down, or eat anything that isn’t 200% healthy.

You’d think doing more would make me feel better about myself but it’s just made me feel guilty that I’m not doing EVEN MORE. Like, wtf brain?

I’m honestly really glad my therapy appointment is today.

Anyway I just wanted to post a little entry today explaining why yesterday’s plans for today aren’t happening.

May as well make these a daily thing for now.

Not that Pokemon go and job searching aren’t enough to get me to the library every morning, which they have been lately, but as long as I’m here, I may as well ramble a little.

This morning, I cleaned my bathroom. I hate cleaning the bathroom above pretty much all other chores, so it was a chore in and of itself to force myself to get out of bed, knowing I planned to tackle the bathroom today. I decided to leave the spot vacuuming until tomorrow, to give myself something to get out of bed at a decent time for. Like I said, trying to take this little by little, one step at a time (coincidentally, Step by Step is a great song by the Alan Parsons Project but that’s not the point).

I also just applied for a job at a grocery store. Granted, it’s like, 40 miles away, but at this point, whatever. Before I moved here I was commuting about that far every day. It’s not ideal, granted. And after all, I moved here to be in the same town as the job I had at the time. It doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to then apply for a job even farther away but I’ve pretty much exhausted the apps I can put in in town here.

I  have a hard time thinking that it’s okay to do something that isn’t the way my parents would have done it. Thankfully, my dad doesn’t give me much grief about job searching now, but I used to hear all kinds of BS from him about what I should be doing and how he’d have done it. My folks can give good advice, but it can be outdated, and they don’t always understand 100% of the issue. Still, though, I can’t help but feel uneasy. One app a day? Dad would say I should be putting in like, 5+. I still can’t shake this feeling that I should be proud I did anything today because I could always do more

But this is stupid. On Monday, I vacuumed my living room and around the catbox, did a load of laundry ,showered/got dressed/walked to the library, and put in one or two apps on the internet. Yesterday, I vacuumed my kitchen, did dishes, showered/got dressed/walked to the library, and put in a couple job apps online, all before 10:30 in the morning. And I walked probably a solid two miles or so. Today, as I said, I cleaned my bathroom, cleaned the catbox, showered/dressed, actually put on makeup for the first time in a couple weeks, walked to the library, and put in a job app online, and it’s not even 10:15. I’ve been doing pretty damn good. I don’t see why my inner monologue won’t let me feel good about that. ‘Oh you lazy ass you could have finished vacuuming the corners in the entire house, done all the dishes up, done all your dirty laundry, folded everything, made your bed, and put in like 4 more job apps’. I don’t understand. I’m getting a little upset just thinking about this. I feel like I can never be happy with what I’ve done if I could have done more.

It’s like I can’t get away from the feeling that I’ve made so many mistakes in my past, I should be absolutely perfect at everything now. Even though I know how fucking ridiculous that sort of thinking is, I can’t seem to escape it.

I suppose that’s part of this anxiety/depression thing. Maybe it’s my personality. I don’t know. It’s pretty hard to distinguish between them, sometimes. Most of the time. I honestly don’t know where my personality stops and anxiety/depression begin. Maybe they’re sort of intertwined.  I haven’t had enough caffeine to be this philosophical this early in the day.

Well, here we are again.

It’s pretty rare that I publish this many entries in such quick succession, but much like  yesterday, I’m bored and not ready to leave the library.

I’m afraid I can’t promise this will be super interesting or anything, but it’s a way to pass the time.

I’m trying to get into a routine where I go to the library every day and apply for at least one job (today I applied at 2 different locations of the same dollar type store).

Okay, yesterday I vacuumed the living room, and around my cat’s litterbox, and did a couple small sinkloads of dishes, and did one load of laundry.

Well, it’s not quite 10:30 today and I’ve already vacuumed my kitchen, and my basement stairs. And washed/hung up a load of laundry. I’ll be doing the dishes later. I have like 4 ears of corn that are going to go bad pretty soon if I don’t use them.

Tomorrow, I want to use the edge tool and vacuum the couple corners of the living room I missed, and the corners of the kitchen, but my main focus for tomorrow is going to be cleaning my bathroom.

Actually, also later today I want to get my living room in a state fit to be seen by other human beings, even though it’s likely nobody will even see it except my parents. But at least I won’t to be embarrassed the next time the neighbor knocks on my door and tells me I left my keys in the lock again.

Tidying up that room shouldn’t take very long, it’s more or less just a matter of arranging things so they look nice and not like they were just shoved on a shelf or something. I’m honestly not too worried about what the kitchen looks like for now, since when I’m home I spend about 95% of my waking hours in the living room. My bedroom, for now I’m resigning to the fact that it’s just going to have to look like a tornado hit. I close my bedroom door when I have company over anyway, so that’s not important.

Like I said yesterday, I have to take this one day at a time. It would perhaps be easier to just take one day and go to fucking TOWN cleaning my entire apartment, but that’s a pretty daunting task for someone who, when depression hits, has to force themselves to shower and brush their teeth. And for someone who’s been messy since they were literally six years old (I had a bunk bed when I was six, and I recall one of my parents telling me to get everything off the floor, so I threw all the toys on my bottom bunk, and other parent walked in and said “well you did say to get it off the floor”).

I really struggle with not comparing myself to others, since I could always be doing so much more, and I constantly see others accomplishing so much more with so much less time. Honestly just saying that gave me a minor anxiety spike. It seems so easy to set it off these days. Maybe not to the point where I’m sobbing and wailing, or unable to get anything done in the house, but as I told my therapist, it seems to be a vibration, a low hum constantly playing underneath everything I do. I’m able to kind of enjoy things, but most of the time, everything is subdued. That could be due to my antidepressant, and I suppose it’s better to have everything a little subdued than to sob and wail for half an hour because you forgot to send the internet bill in last month

I still don’t trust the rare times when I’m feeling good either, like at the back of my mind I’m wondering what important thing I’ve forgotten, or I’m thinking there’s some terrible, life changing news I just haven’t heard yet. It’s very rare that I have a really good day, where I start feeling like a “normal” person again (normal in quotes because come on was I ever REALLY normal?). I mean, it does happen once in a great while, but I’m having trouble with just enjoying a day if there’s nothing to worry about.

Like today. Could I have done more, yeah, we’ve been through this. But I basically vacuumed an entire room, showered/got dressed, did a load of laundry, walked to the library, and applied for two jobs, all before 10:30 in the morning. I think I’m doing pretty good.

I still struggle a little bit hearing my dad’s voice in my head from years ago (when I was a huge piece of shit, instead of just a little shit) about how if it was him he’d hit the pavement and be out all day looking for jobs not just ‘sitting on his ass’ filling in apps online. Even if there was advice of my parents’ I should have probably taken into consideration back then, it still amuses me about the “hitting the pavement” part. I recall one instance when I set out to do just that, and of all the places I went to in a couple hours, only a couple of them had paper applications, the rest told me to do it online. My dad’s pretty progressive in a lot of ways, but in some ways he’s still old fashioned. And he doesn’t understand social anxiety the way he claims to. I’m legitimately getting anxious just picturing myself walking into a place and asking for an application. It’s much easier for me to do this stuff online. They’re not “excuses” so I don’t have to do something (or that I think I’m ‘too good’ for certain things), they’re reasons. I have mental illnesses and I don’t believe it’s just limited to anxiety and depression. There are things I literally cannot do, or would honestly rather endure bodily harm to avoid (I would never hurt myself to get out of doing something, it’s just meant to illustrate the point).

I also have physical limitations that my parents don’t completely understand. Yes, I’m fat, yes I’m lazy, yes all of this shit is my fault, but as a result I have issues with my knees, and my back (I had back strain on the job as a housekeeper in 2007), and these things can make some jobs impossible. Like the job apps that ask if you can lift 50 pounds regularly. Even though I click the yes dialogue box, they’d find out soon enough what I can and can’t do. My mom means well, but I can’t express even the slightest issue with not being happy with my weight because all she says is “Well you have the power to change that” which is obviously right, but that’s not really what I need to hear at that moment.  And obviously losing some weight would ease some of these issues, but again, not what I need to hear at the moment. When my back hurts, or I have a cramp in my knee, or the pinched nerve in my shoulder is bothering me, just a little sympathy or even just understanding would be nice. Obviously I’m not bitching about all this shit constantly like it’s someone else’s fault, but when people say things like that, it just makes me feel like shit about myself, and makes me want to go eat something.

I’m not always an emotional eater, but sometimes I am. And I have trouble convincing myself that yes, I have binge eaten before. I don’t fit all the symptoms, but I have eaten a ridiculous amount of food in one sitting before, and then felt like a complete piece of shit for it. So yes, a large portion of being large is my fault, but there are other factors than just my laziness (which is a tangible thing; I’m the first to admit I’m a lazy P.O.S.).

Idk. I’m just trying to figure myself out here, a better portion of which I thought I’d have done already by the time I was preparing to turn 30. Which happens in exactly two months from today, on the 9th of October. Ugh. I really hope my parents don’t do anything huge and embarrassing.

I really thought I’d be more mature by now. LOL. Not going to happen.

Well, I’m going to walk around and hit up some of the nearby pokestops.

Slowly beginning to unfuck my life or attempting such

Well, it’s pretty rare that I post on this blog again so soon after the last entry, but I’m not ready to leave the library yet but I pretty much accomplished what I meant to on the internet. I applied for one job, and monitored the job listings in my area, but there aren’t many new ones since it’s only a town of about 6000 people. I’m trying to exhaust all available local avenues for me before I start looking at the nearest metro-ish area about 45 minutes away. It’s hard not to hear my dad’s voice in my head about how I need to hit the pavement and why the hell am I only putting in one app a day? It’s because I really don’t have the spoons to do more right now.

I kind of moved here to avoid a drive of about that long to get to the job I had at the time so I’d prefer not to have to drive that far to get to another job. The way I see it now is that if I hit the end of this month and I still haven’t found anything, I’ll be expanding the radius in which I search for jobs. Yes, I know my parents have a right to be cautious, and yes I know the 600 bucks I have in the bank won’t last forever, but right now I honestly  need to concentrate on my mental health.

I can’t work fast food because it’s a huge anxiety trigger for me. And not just some pansy bullshit anxiety, or minor discomfort because nobody likes their job; full blown, crying, sobbing panic attack anxiety. I’m a little slow (inb4 only a little?), and as such, while I can do almost everything a normal person can do, it can take me longer to do it, or longer to think of what to do. Fast food is not a good industry for this. I also have some degree of social anxiety where if it’s a really stressful situation, very noisy and hectic, I can be overwhelmed. As stupid as I think it is right now when I’m pretty calm, when I have an episode, I’m an entirely different person, convinced that everyone in the entire crowd is staring at and judging me, thinking about how awful a person I am, etc. Or I worry everyone is going to think I’m doing a bad job and then I’ll become super paranoid that I’m about to be fired… Add to that my short term memory problems…it’s just not a good fit.

It’s the same sort of deal about gas stations. Have you ever been 4th back in line and all three registers in there have as many or more people in it, just imagining what the poor clerk has to deal with because not everyone is as empathetic to this situation as I am? My anxiety is so bad I get anxious for other people in a situation that would set my own anxiety off if it were me. Feeling like I have to rush rush rush and not be able to take my time, I’m getting legitimately anxious just describing this situation. My goal was also to find a job that doesn’t involve getting up at the buttcrack of dawn.

Like I said before, if we’ve hit the end of August and I still haven’t found anything that isn’t at least part time, I’ll concede defeat and apply at the local gas stations, of which I can think of 3 right off the top of my head.

But right now, honestly, I need time to work on my own personal issues. I’m currently on an anti anxiety med (buspirone or however you spell the damn thing) and an antidepressant (I can’t remember which without my pill bottle right in front of me, but it might be lexapro) , and we currently just doubled my anti depressant dose. This obviously isn’t ever going to go away completely, but… My previous job was my first ever full time job, in a position I found incredibly stressful and was part of the reason I started taking meds to start with.

Like I said, I understand my parents’ caution, and I obviously know life is going to blow through 600 bucks like nobody’s business, but right now I’m still fortunate enough that I can afford to take time off to concentrate on myself. I’m lucky enough for housing assistance to be taking care of my entire rent until I find a job. I have plenty of food. I have a reliable vehicle. Without a couple of those this wouldn’t be possible.

I also need to concentrate on tidying up my house. In addition to anxiety I have depression, so whenever that flares up I barely have the energy to get out of bed, much less keep the house clean or do laundry. The one thing I’m okay at keeping up with is dishes, but pretty much everything else goes out the window.

I managed to vacuum my living room. I missed a couple corners but I’ll finish those tomorrow. I also vacuumed up the scattered litter around the catbox, but I’ll vacuum the rest of the kitchen/basement stairs tomorrow. I also did two loads of dishes, but I have a few more that I need to do

I have to do this little by little. When I think of ALL the shit that needs to be done in the house, it gets overwhelming to the point of being paralyzing.

Actually I also need to do laundry. I might do that early this evening if I’m feeling up to it. If not, I’ll put that in tomorrow morning.

I have to try not to beat myself up because I could always be doing more, or other people are able to do so much more than me, even though they have more responsibilities than I do, but I’m just too mentally exhausted for that shit right now, and it’s a really good way to give me an anxiety episode.

For now, after I finish up here, I’ll walk around hitting some of the pokestops in my area, then I might either treat myself to lunch somewhere, or just walk back home and play more dragon age origins.