Nothing much to report.

Well, it’s the last day of the month. We’re now only one month and 9 days away from my 30th birthday. Boy does it feel weird to be here, in both cases. I’d liked to think that after the BS I’d been through prior to moving to this area, the hardest would be behind me, but this year so far has been extremely challenging.

I was really hoping this would be my year (I bastardize the song This will be our year by the Zombies every New Years, basically), but just a few days into it, Bowie left us, and it’s really kind of been downhill from there. I mean, things were going to shit before that, but it seems like it all really hit the industrial sized fan after that. And that’s not to say the rest of this year will be a shitshow (see, I am trying to be positive) but it’s just been incredibly difficult. I was reading back through a couple of the notebooks I used to write in to pass the time while I was trapped at work, and as recently as back in March, every other entry was about how much I hated that job, how trapped I felt, and about just how much I cried at work, and wished I could just end it all if that was going to be my life.

I’m kind of in a better position now, but I’m still unemployed, 2 months after finally leaving that job. After bills and a haircut I’ll still have little over 300 dollars in the bank. At the same time that I’m enjoying this much needed downtime, I’m really starting to feel the pressure.

As I’ve said many times before, my parents obviously only want what’s best for me and are concerned for my wellbeing, but I’m infinitely more stressed about it when they mention it than I am when I’m alone. Obviously this isn’t going to go on forever, and every single weekday I put in 3-5 online applications, so I am actively looking and making an effort.

I still wonder if I should have left that job, but I know I couldn’t stay there, and I know going back isn’t an option because my problems with it would all be the same and would simply pick up where they left off, only worse because I would have tried to leave and failed.

And honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I’m a lot better off this time around. I have HUD paying the entirety of my rent until I find a job, and I have food stamps for another couple months, so right now all I really need to worry about paying are my internet and electric bills.

I don’t know. I’m pretty stressed out right now so I should probably move on.

My cousin’s wedding is this Sunday, so I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow. I wanted to wait until as long as possible, but my last trim was in mid July. I have an undercut so not a whole lot needs to be done, but it needs a trim badly just the same. I’m lucky enough to have a couple of salons in town that offer pretty good prices and that I’d been satisfied with when there previously, though I definitely have my favorite.

I should probably do some laundry at some point today so I should probably get going.

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Another day.

Pretty much sums it up. I’m out of clever ideas for blog entries only I will ever read. LOL.

Not a whole lot has happened recently, to be perfectly honest.

I forgot my meds at my folks’ house last weekend (not this past weekend, the weekend previous) when I visited, so I stopped at their house briefly on Saturday to pick them up. I stayed a couple hours, watched a movie, did a load of laundry, that sort of thing, then came back home to my apartment. It didn’t make sense for me to drive 45 minutes to their house, do nothing but pick up my meds, and be on my merry, you know?

I could definitely tell that I’d been without meds for a few days, because I did almost nothing in the house, went 3 days without showering, etc.

But I’m a little frustrated because it seems to dull everything. I talked with my therapist about how it seems like the beehive where my creativity used to be just isn’t buzzing anymore. Like someone has built a brick wall over it. I was getting kind of upset about it. I used to draw all the time. Granted it was at work, when I really didn’t have the option of doing anything else, but even before that. I used to draw all the time. Or I’d get really excited about an awesome drawing I wanted to do and then in the span of 8 hours, I could go from sketch to fully completed inked and colored drawing. I don’t do that anymore, really.

I can’t tell if it’s because I’m at a different point in my life where I am responsible for things like bills (and rent, if HUD wasn’t paying my rent for the moment), or it’s the meds talking. I can’t tell the difference anymore, and it seems that I am less able to trust my own opinion of something. I’m honestly not sure. It seems that I’m currently not sure of much of anything.

I don’t want to say I feel numb because I most certainly do still feel anxiety and other things but everything just seems dulled. I had to drink 10 cups of coffee yesterday just to be able to draw for a couple hours, something I haven’t been able to do (the drawing bit, not the coffee bit) for ages.

I mean I guess it’s good if the bad shit is dulled but it seems like I am unable to hit the level of excitement for doing things that I used to be. The only thing that really gets me any level of excited anymore is grocery shopping, which is fucking weird (but I’m fat and like food, so I guess it’s not all that weird).

And like, that’s not 100 percent true all the time. I’ll laugh at stand up comedy on youtube, or at something silly my cat does, and I still enjoy playing video games.

I recently in the last few weeks got my antidepressant dose doubled, but at my next psych appointment in little over a week, I’m going to ask if we can’t go back down to the previous dose and see how that works.I have read that sometimes anti depressants can increase the very feelings they are trying to fix, and while I can’t say my depressive symptoms are worse it seems like my ability to really enjoy things has dulled a little.

My therapist said since I’m currently unemployed I feel extra pressure to feel that I’m being productive in some way, and it’s very true. I said I have a hard time sitting still to read (which I used to do literally ALL the time) because I always need to be doing something. Whether that’s playing a video game, doing a minor household chore, whatever, and she’s definitely right.

I don’t know anymore, man. Life is weird. I sometimes have a harder time being able to articulate my thoughts the way I want. I don’t want to say I’m confused because that seems to harsh a word to illustrate my point, but I sometimes find it harder to think of the word I want to use or what I’m trying to say.

Hopefully going back to my previous dose of anti depressant helps a little. At this point I don’t feel that it helps to better manage my anxiety/depression, and it only kind of dulls me into a mild stupor (which I’ve never been a stranger to, let’s be honest LOL).

It looks as if it could rain outside, so I should probably wrap this up, get my normal poke-walk taken care of, and then get my ass home.

It’s been a few days

I skipped this weekend because I was staying at my parents’ place. We took grandpa out to eat for an early birthday present, so I sort of thought I should be present for that. Came back to my place on Monday morning, and by then I was way too exhausted to do anything. I knew I had an interview 45 minutes away on Tuesday (yesterday) and I was hella stressed about that. Not only because, hello, interviews are always stressful, but because I’d never driven to this particular town myself (though I’ve been there many times in the past) and I hate driving anywhere that includes an interstate. I’m also pretty nervous when driving in urban areas.

I’ve basically lived in small towns my entire life, I’ve never been comfortable driving in any large amount of traffic. For me, anxiety magnifies every normal, totally sensible worry people have. Yeah, you should be cautious on the road, but to my anxiety, sometimes every person on the road with me (especially semis) are mere moments away from ramming me off the road and making my van explode, or something equally ridiculous.

So anyway. Fast forward to yesterday. My interview wasn’t until 10, but I left the house at 8. I’m always paranoid I’ll get lost, take a wrong turn somewhere, etc. I literally got there before 9. The mall within sight of the place I was to interview at, the doors were open but nothing worth anything opened until 10. So I decided to browse a goodwill nearby. I found a cute little “home sweet home” coffee mug (similar to THIS one), and two Johnny Cash records.

When I got to the place (it’s a hotel, I interviewed for housekeeping), they didn’t seem to know of any interview scheduled for 10am. My paranoia is good for little else, save for my obsessive double/triple/etc checking and verifying of shit. I checked my email a million times, the only other hotel I applied at was a completely different hotel, for a completely different position. When I got the call from this particular hotel, I wrote it down on a note. Name of the hotel (I’m obviously not stating it here). 10am.

They found my resume but they said they were telling me what the times were going to be and the phone hung up on them. This whole situation was very confusing, and my sister whom I IMed with afterwards, said they were just being disorganized. But I swear on my ancestors, this place called me, set up a time for an interview, and everything was jolly.

She went on with the interview, since I was there, but it just made me feel like shit. What if I made a bad first impression on them? I cried when I got back out to my van. As if driving 45 minutes to a place I’ve never driven myself before isn’t stressful enough. Etc.

Obviously human beings are imperfect and everybody with a business to run has found themselves lacking in the organization department from time to time, but as I said earlier, anxiety just magnifies everything.

The interview didn’t take very long, so I decided to visit a grocery store in the area that we don’t have where I live. Then, since the mall was right there, I went to spencers, which is where I get my ear gauges from. They have a punch card where every 6 earrings you buy, you get one free. Truth be told, if I had more than one punch left before getting a pair free, I would have skipped it. But I got 4g plugs, and then some 2g plugs, for when I’m ready to size these up. I’m honestly not sure how much bigger than 2g I want to go with these, maybe one more size up. I’m not looking to go huge with these. They’re in my second ear piercing (I previously had my lobes pierced 5 times each). I wanted to both gauge my ears and be able to still wear normal earrings, so this seemed like a nice compromise.

After that I drove home, where I promptly put on my pjs and held my cat while crying because holy shit was that whole entire situation stressful as fuck. Doesn’t help that I left my meds at my parents’ house. I think this weekend I’ll make a stop by. I’ll come up with some excuse (because I usually only visit every other weekend) but I can’t wait 2 weeks for my meds. I’ve missed for several days before so this isn’t anything new, but 2 weeks, no thank you sir. Maybe I’ll visit my grandparents (who live like a block away from my parents). Idk. I’ll think of something before we hit that point. I can’t believe it’s already freaking Wednesday. It seems like the weekend was literally yesterday.

Idk. I don’t feel like I’m quite dissociating, but everything feels just a little off. Still, if nothing else, I made myself walk to the library and put in my customary online apps a day. I’ll be doing the rest of my walk here shortly, albeit a little odd route because I think I’ll stop at the grocery store to get some chicken breast, perhaps. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t buy red meat, and I only buy fish very very rarely. Pretty much the only meat I buy is chicken, and once in a great while, some bacon. I don’t eat meat every day, and at some point I’d like to cut it out entirely. But let’s face it. I’m from the midwest. Our two biggest exports in this state are corn and pork, basically.

Dammit, I’m making myself hungry.

 

Well, here we are.

I’m honestly out of creative titles at this point. And I don’t really use song lyrics anymore because I’m tired of being bitched at when my blog entries show up when someone searches for the lyrics of whatever song I used so here we are.

Regarding my van, dad was in town before I was even out of my pjs and I didn’t know it, so I had to quick get up, throw on some decent clothes, and walk over. Where we stood in the sun in the grocery store parking lot for ages. And went to two different car places to be told the tire was junk. It had like, 3 distinct puncture marks that almost look like somebody jabbed it with a knife, but who knows. And there’s actually a big scratch along the driver’s side that I didn’t notice before now (it’s pretty much the same color as the paint of the stupid ass’ truck who I watched back into my van so it’s possible it’s from that and I’m just now noticing it). So now I owe my dad $115, and I feel even worse and more stressed about the job situation.

I realize this situation could have been much worse, but I felt bad the entire time dad was helping me. He had to make a what, 40 minute drive here and back home, and plus had to drive me around town and paid for the tire with his credit card (he obviously expects to be paid back when I get a job, even though I offered to get the money out of my bank account today). I don’t know. It’s like,  yesterday basically majorly fucked up a decent streak I’d been having. Now I don’t know. I cried so hard yesterday I still kind of have a headache.

I don’t know. I’ve pretty much been depressed all day. Granted, I did laundry, and I made myself walk here, so this too could have been worse. I just feel like shit and still feel like it doesn’t even matter that I’m here, putting in online apps.

It takes me so much energy just to put the basic amount of effort into getting dressed in the morning, the thought of dressing nice and actually driving around to places to ask about jobs… I just simply do not have the energy for that right now. I really don’t. And if a place is corporate run, they’re only going to tell me to do the application online, 9/10 I’d bet. And it’s so hard for me to get myself to walk into little mom and pop type places that’d be more likely to have physical paper applications, and I’m pretty much convinced that the second I ask they’ll be all ‘We’re not looking’.

I don’t know. I’m trying not to drive much so I can conserve gas.

I don’t know. I know I won’t get much of anything done beyond the dishes today.

I know nobody operates at maximum power 100% of the time, but it just makes me feel shitty. I wanted this week to start out the way last week did, with me busting ass getting a big chore done in the morning, a shower, my normal walk route, etc. It took me a massive amount of energy today just to shower and get dressed, so for today I guess it’s good enough that I’m putting in a few online apps, going on my normal walk route, and going home to recuperate.

I’m just so tired of constantly feeling guilty about existing

What did I do to deserve this shit?

You know that good mood I was in this morning? Gone. My food stamp card came in the mail today so I was excitedly going through the shopper picking out groceries I was going to get and actually thought to myself ‘Today is a good day’ while looking up at the blue sky. I’ve been struggling with being positive, and my inner dialogue is so self defacing and negative that it was a big deal.

I get to the grocery store and park and I have a completely flat tire on my rear drivers side of my van.

I just got this van a little shy of 4 months ago and it’s been hit twice while sitting parked in front of my apartment (I only witnessed one of these incidents) and the guy who gave me his name and phone number isn’t returning my texts. And now a fucking flat tire. What’s more, when calling my dad to ask what I should do, when he asked how the job search was going, grumbled and said “you know how I feel about online applications” because though progressive in a lot of ways is still convinced that unless you ‘hit the pavement for 8hrs a day’ you won’t ever get hired.

That’s just what I needed to hear. I was calm through the entire phone call and when telling the staff my van has a flat and it would be in the parking lot overnight. I was so proud of myself for not freaking out and now I can’t stop sobbing and yelling.

What did I ever do to deserve this? We may have discovered the root of my problems discussed earlier today. No matter what I do, something always goes wrong. No matter what “progress” I’ve made or what I get done in the house or the 3 job apps I put in today or the what, 10 online apps I put in last week, no, something is always going to happen and completely ruin everything. It doesn’t matter, and it will never get better. I know life isn’t easy for anyone but what the fuck did I do to deserve all the fucking terrible shit that’s happened to me, and all the mental problems and feeling like a prisoner in my own body? I thought I was a good albeit imperfect person, but I must be a horrible person if this stuff keeps happening to me

 

 

Freedom stuck in my head

Sounds all deep and philosophical and shit but really, I just have the song by Richie Havens stuck in my head. Oops.

Well, it looks like my previous entry was on Thursday.

After going pretty gung ho cleaning in my apartment the first three days of last week, I kind of ran out of that energy the rest of the week.

Once again the cat has scattered cat food all over the kitchen and litter all around the catbox, and I actually sprinkled a little catnip for her to roll around in, so I need to vacuum the kitchen again. Although granted it won’t be as time consuming as when I vacuumed it last week.

I also need to vacuum a little in the living room again. I don’t have a kitchen/dining room table as it were, so I eat all of my meals on the couch, in front of the tv. So there are crumbs, basically. And cat hair on the couch.

I know I need to get a vacuum of my own (as I’m borrowing my parents’ at the moment), but it’s not an immediate priority. Plus, I don’t need a fancy assed bagless upright like my parents have, just get me a little shitty dirt devil type handheld for spot cleaning and I’ll be fine. If my job situation doesn’t do well enough between now and Christmas, I’ll ask for one for Christmas.

Yesterday, I made brownies/blondies swirled together, but they’re a little too moist and they’re kind of prone to falling apart. I’ve decided that once I get my food stamp card, I’m going to get almond bark or whatever to cover them and make ‘truffles’ out of them. They taste pretty good. I just made the brownie batter too runny and then didn’t bake them for long enough. When you go, yeah, I can put two recipes each meant for 8×8 pans into a large rectangular cake pan, it will totally work… yeah. Plus the oven in my apartment is realistically probably older than I am. And the other day, I had to close the oven door three times before the right side hinge on the oven door went in the right way (which is a problem I’d never had with it before). Just to clue you in as to the quality of said baking apparatus. I also did dishes several times, finished making  yellow/green/blue layered jello, and reheated some homemade beef stew (that dad made and sent home with me a couple weeks ago) with spaghetti noodles thrown in because I wasn’t in the mood for soup but I also wasn’t in the mood to cook anything from scratch lol. And I’m trying not to buy any more food whatsoever until I get my food stamp card in the mail. Realistically I could probably make it for a couple solid weeks without buying any more food, but I would run out of fresh veg/milk/shit like that. Whatever. It’ll just give me incentive to make stuff from scratch and be a little more creative.

Already today I submitted 3 online applications, and put a load of laundry in the wash at home. I need to hang said laundry up when I get back home, and then make an early lunch/late breakfast.

When I was working the call center job, I would pretty much eat at 6:30 in the morning, then again at 10 o clock break, then again at lunch break, then again at my 2:30 break, and then again after getting home at 4:30. At the moment, though, even if I open the fridge when I first stumble in the kitchen in the morning, I find that I honestly don’t get hungry until about this time of day (it’s 10:30am here currently) and then I’m like, well hell, it’s close enough to lunch time that I may as well wait until 11 something and then just call it brunch.

Granted, I am not by any means a completely healthy eater (the other night I literally made fancy ramen with veg and a boiled egg and everything at 12 o clock in the morning), and I haven’t lost any weight at the time of my last psychologist appointment (they’re the ones that prescribe you shit right? We have to video chat at the mental health place because he lives in Georgia or whatever). But it’s really nice not to have that stressful as fuck job dictating to me when I eat anymore.

Although yesterday, I was digging my homemade cold brew coffee so much that I drank way too much of it and the afternoon was one huge uncomfortable anxiety spike for no fucking reason. I have to be careful with caffeine. I used to be the person that drank highly caffeinated soda and didn’t bat an eyelash, who could order like triple shot espressos and barely even feel it, who could drink energy drinks and all manner of caffeine and not even give a shit. Now, if I indulge in an energy drink (which is a very rare occasion now) I literally have to sip on one single energy drink ALL DAMN DAY LONG or I think I’m going to die.

I have to be equally careful with coffee now. I’m far more sensitive to caffeine than I used to be. And honestly, sometimes it’s a gamble. I recall being highly caffeinated a few months ago and churning out an entire drawing in only a couple hours, and it was that euphoric creativity that made caffeine an enjoyable experience for me in the past. Other times, though, if I have more than two cups of coffee, I feel uncomfortable for no fucking reason and have so much energy that I can’t do anything and it cycles back around to feeling like I have no energy. IDK. Anxiety is a strange beast, especially with depression riding it around like a damn cowboy on a bucking bronco.

I honestly probably won’t do much of anything else today other than finishing up the dishes, and possibly cooking some sushi rice so I can make sushi to go along with one of those la choy stir fry kits I have in my pantry. And obviously hanging up the load of towels/rags/undies in the washer.

And this is once again giving me unnecessary guilt. I spoke with my therapist about this no matter what I do it isn’t enough or doesn’t matter feeling. This, no matter what I do I should have done more, feeling. I have no idea where this even comes from. Other than feeling like I’ve constantly and consistently let everyone down my entire life. It honestly serves no purpose. And when asked about my self esteem I have no idea what to say. Because on one hand, I literally don’t give a blistered, bleeding fuck what anybody thinks, and am confident in who I am as a person, and on the other hand, I constantly crave everyone’s approval and if I don’t get any I feel a failure as a person. I honestly don’t get it. As if it fucking matters if someone else approves of what I do. It’s like I constantly need advice because I feel like I’ll just fuck it up if I do it myself. If it’s not what someone else would have done, it feels like I did it “wrong”. I still can’t seem to get away from this underlying guilt/anxiety sitting just below the surface of what appears to be a somewhat productive day. I always thought once I actually started taking incentive and being productive I would feel better because I’m actually doing something and not just sitting on my ass all day, but I honestly almost feel worse.

Because I always think I should do more, but that’s not the solution either. Unless I literally spend every moment from the time I stumble out of bed until the time I stumble back into it submitting job apps or doing a chore, I won’t feel satisfied. And I simply do not have the stamina, or the spoons, for that. And let’s say I did one or two job apps an hour all day long, I would pass out in the evening going “fuck I should have put in just one more I’m a complete failure and should feel guilty for everything and why didn’t I also do the laundry and all the dishes”.

It’s hard to remember that at the end of the day, I do have illnesses that affect my life in a tangible way. Bad enough to affect daily activity and majorly affect my quality of life but not bad enough to get me on disability. I obviously don’t wish my problems were worse so I could get disability, but my therapist agreed that I was one of those people that falls through the cracks sometimes.

And really, in the grand scheme of things I could have it much worse. I’m on HUD right now that will pay the entirety of my rent until I find a job (at which point I only have to pay a percentage of my income as rent), I’m about to get food stamps for the next three months, and I have enough in my bank account to cover my bills for several months. It’s not like I’m gonna get thrown out into the street this afternoon. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.

Anyway, I’m really lazy but I only have like 1.4km left to walk to hatch two 5km eggs on pokemon go so I should wrap this up.

Okay just one more thing. Bitch about pokemon go all you want but since I joined on the 7th of July, it’s gotten me to go on literally 100% more walks than I would normally go on. I’m literally that lazy and shallow.

 

A change in plans for today

Well kids, the plan for today has changed a little. For one, I’m writing this on my phone at home, so it’ll be far less wordy than I am accustomed to.

It’s been raining since before I woke up this morning. I rolled out of bed, and went to the only open window in the house to survey the situation, and I was greeted to cat barf in the window. Although to my cat’s credit, my entire apartment is carpeted so she picked the one place where it’d be easiest to clean.

There’s still a sizeable patch of precipitation set to go over my area, so my walk around town to pokestops probably isn’t going to happen.

And my tidying up the house? Probably not going to be more than doing the dishes and just a little minor tidying up in the living room.

I’m thinking I’ll skip the library today, as I can’t imagine there will have been any new job postings since yesterday.

I  have a mental health appointment at 1 so I’ll still be getting out of the house. At that time I will go on a short walk to hit a few of the pokestops near the public parking lot I park in when I have therapy appointments.

I’m having trouble fielding all of my self guilt, which it’s really fucking too early fot at 9 in the goddamn morning. This whole week so far I’ve been fucking drowning in guilt for no reason.

When you look at the sum of what I’ve done cleaning-wise in the apartment the last three months it can’t even come close to what I’ve done in the last 3 days alone, yet I feel guilty.  I’ve probably put in like 5 job apps this week yet I feel guilty because my social anxiety won’t let me make those follow up calls, which my dad’s advice from years past has me convinced are the reason I’m not getting hired anywhere.

I’ve walked a minimum of 2 miles each day for the previous 3 days, yet I still feel guilty every time I sit down, or eat anything that isn’t 200% healthy.

You’d think doing more would make me feel better about myself but it’s just made me feel guilty that I’m not doing EVEN MORE. Like, wtf brain?

I’m honestly really glad my therapy appointment is today.

Anyway I just wanted to post a little entry today explaining why yesterday’s plans for today aren’t happening.