Some have paid to scratch the surface, but they can’t touch what’s inside….

-“Children of the Night”, by Richard Marx.

That song has so much meaning to me, it’s crazy.


Well… not a whole lot has been going on in my life, unless you count me being nearly so stressed it makes me sick. In addition to being really, really afraid of a certain He and She Who Must Not Be Named. Mostly of the ‘he’ part.

It even went so far as for all of my group of friends to sit in the upstairs room, away from me. I’m sure ‘he’ has turned them all against me; except this new friend, Christina, I think her name was. Great. It’s hard when so many of my friends know so many others. I’m just… afraid of him right now. And… I already feel like I don’t have any friends, so I’m sure now that ‘he’ is turning them all against me, I’ll feel like a complete loser at school.

Good thing I don’t have to be there much. Only an hour between classes on Monday and Friday, otherwise, I wouldn’t have to set foot in the college cafeteria.

It’s just… ARGH! I don’t like drama! Only in small doses! This constitutes as a gigantic overdose! And all over a silly blog!

I’d say I won’t write about you two in this blog anymore, but since I’m too afraid of either one of you to even be in the same room, your life of having to deal with me is over, I guess!

So… other than that, my classes have been going alright. We got some of our choir music today, and we’re doing a beautiful song in Latin… It’s great. We’re also doing a spiritual type song. I love those.

I can’t wait until I’m 21, I can go to bars and sing the pants off all the other drunken idiots! And while I myself am plastered! I’d like to see one of you guys get a perfect score on the game Kareoke Revolution with the difficulty set at ‘hard’. 😉

Dammit! Now I want to get drunk and play Katamari Demacy. I’m only any good at that game when I’ve had a few. Ask Vanessa lol.

I have no heart, I’m cold inside, I have no real intent…

-Queen, “Save Me”.

I was trying to be your friend…..

I seem to remember, during that what, two weeks we ‘dated’ you saying “What? Are you afraid I’ll go back to her?”

I should have been.

And… I am really sorry I didn’t listen to people then. We honestly thought it was over. Yes, I should have waited. And I’m sorry for that, alright? I really am.

But.. you know….if you wanted to quit being friends with me, you should have said something.

Maybe you should be man enough to tell me these things to my face instead of complaining to your wifey and letting her bitch at me through the internet. And writing this blog isn’t a great example of that, except I know she thinks she needs to police it in case I write something about her marriage.

So, fine. I won’t be his friend; you can celebrate, because you’ve won. I won’t even look at him because I’m sure there is some fucked up Christian ideal about looking at thy neighbor’s husband too.

Besides… truthfully, it’s been hard for me to tell myself that he’s just a friend… so… I didn’t want to have to do this, but I might end up just ignoring him completely; I’m not sure I can be just his friend, even though I’ve tried.

I’m just sorry for the whole thing. You know that saying that says “Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”

It’s fucking wrong.

I wish I’d never met Chad, then none of this shit would be going on and I wouldn’t be pissing so many people off. I’m a defensive person, if you haven’t realized, and this can make me just spout off angry jibberish at people without thinking about it.

Which is no excuse.

I’ll just come outright and say it.

I’m a pathetic, good for nothing scum of the earth, okay? I have no worth! If I died tomorrow, I doubt many people would miss me, really. So, you do deserve him, then, if  you’re worth anything at all compared to me, which… it’s not hard to surpass my worth in the world. I’m worthless, okay. So go ahead and ignore me. I’m fine with that. I could just pass quietly into the shadows, and nobody would notice anything, except how great the world is now that they’re not forced to be in contact with me.

I’m just sorry I didn’t realize how worthless I was before. I would saved you so much crap, it’s not like you need it.

You’re a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride…..

Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good I feel good
-“Death on Two Legs”, by Queen.

Okay, I have just about had it up to my freaking forehead with this shit.

I’ll warn you now; if you don’t like my blog, tough. Fuck you. I don’t have to please anybody with what I write here; these are my opinions. I’m not going to change what I write just because it pisses someone off. So, get fucking used to it. I don’t care if you think it’s inappropriate, or that I shouldn’t be writing it. It’s not illegal, we’re in AMERICA.

Last time I checked, we had the FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Guess what that means, folks? It means I can write whatever the hell I want, even if it pisses you off.

You think you’re in the right constantly bitching about how you don’t like what I write about in my blogs; well I can bitch too.

Well…  Even if I don’t like what others write, they have as much right to write it as I do to hate what they’ve written.

And… if you must disagree, there are better ways of going about it than lashing out and saying something stupid like “Keep your fucking bitchy little claws off my husband and do not ever lay your hands on him again”. Would it have been so hard to politely tell me that what I was doing made you uncomfortable, and would I please stop doing it? Apparently, it was for you. Besides, you argue that I have no business writing about this shit in my blog; well you have no business checking up on my blog to see if I wrote about your marriage. You’re not the blog police. So dig that badge out of your ass, please, it can’t be too comfortable.

Spread your wings and fly away…

Fly away far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away far away
Pull yourself together
‘Cos you know you should do better
That’s because you’re a free man…
-Queen, “Spread Your Wings”.

Hello again. As I am still currently disallowed from using the computer at home, this entry comes to you from the public library. For that reason I’ll try not to make this entry too terribly vulgur, in case someone happens to glance at my screen at an inopportune time. 😉

Still. I wanted to write about something that is bothering me a bit. But we’ll get to that later in the entry.

First, I shall recount my day whether you want to read about it or not. ;3

It’s only my second day of classes, and I’m already moving like clockwork, although I was a bit too early getting to my first class, so I had time to talk to some friends a bit, scarf down a pop tart, and drink some chocolate milk like it would soon go out of style.

My one class today was, once again, a bit strange. Well… knowing our teacher… She is peppy, happy, hyperactive, bubbly… just about every word you can think of that relates to that sort of personality. But.. she’s not squeaky clean or anything (she says ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ in class if that gives you any idea)… If I’d met her any earlier in my life she probably would have annoyed me, but now I suppose I appriciate it… And, if nothing else, she is very entertaining…

After that, I could have gone home but I chose to stay and use that time to talk with my friends… but our group isn’t as large as it was last year, so I can’t say it was too eventful. Chad was there for a bit, and he looked a bit bummed, so I asked him about it. All he said was he was having trouble with a certain you-know-who which I will not give the pleasure of naming again in here, and that he didn’t want to talk about it. I gave him a hug, which seemed an innocent enough of an idea (I see a friend sad, so I give them a hug; it’s like a natural reaction), but in that 10-20 seconds, my mind wanted to start getting ideas that didn’t really do me any good last time around.

I’m no fool; I’m not going to try rushing into things the second I sniff out troubles with the wifey (like I did the first time), but I can’t help stewing the matter over in my head for a bit.

Chances are, if you have read my blog regularly at all, you know the story of this guy. If you are new, I’ll give an overview. If you know the story, skip ahead to the asterisks.

Chad announced he’s getting a divorce. I had had a crush on him for a bit, and I heard so later he’d mentioned how I was attractive…. So we completely rush into things, and against what I had expected, I fall head over FREAKING heels for this guy in like, a week. It might seem feeble, but I’ve been in love once before… the first time lasted for months but was a stupid tea light compared to this roaring campfire… So for three weeks, I could take on the world. Then, he breaks it off, which I later find out was part of a plan to reconcile with his wife. She found someone else and after Chad broke up with me, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to go through with it anymore. I did reconcile with Chad before the school year ended, though…

***Anyway. A short time before school started I got bored and was looking at random profiles on my Myspace friend list, and noticed Chad had his status back to ‘married’. I figured he and the wife had finally solved their problems and were getting on well with each other.

Not the case. They are having problems again, though as to the severity of these problems, I can only guess. Still…

It seems to me a bit like getting beaten up over and over again and then going back for more. It’s almost like the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome. Although I must point out that I do not know the wife extremely well, and there are probably a few things that I’m not hearing about.

Still… It seems to me that one would learn from previous actions. Even if the blame is divided between both parties as it usually is, wouldn’t you notice that every time, it’s an endless roller coaster ride of really, really bad times, and some not so bad ones.

Sometimes, people love each other but simply cannot be married or live together… Sometimes, things just get rushed into, no matter how madly in love people seem at the beginning.

Keep in mind that this is all speculation from my standpoint. I wasn’t there, so ultimately I don’t know the entire story. Maybe the two are just treading on some rough turf and all will be tread over eventually. Yes, I know I probably should have listened to the wife before, to anybody who wants to rub it in my face…

But, on the other hand…suppose this matter is truly the one that cannot be worked out… so… and I hate myself for thinking this, but… maybe it’ll turn out I wasn’t wrong about this after all.

When the singer’s gone, let the song go on, it’s a fine line between the darkness and the dawn…

…They say in the darkest night, there’s a light beyond- ‘All I know’, by Art Garfunkel.


I feel freaking great. It’s like… I’m full of happy! And I don’t say things like that often! I just feel so AMAZING!

Today, I can safely say was a FAR OUT summer Saturday. Well, except for the fact that I woke at 5:30 in the morning. I waited it out until 6, but it was no use; my brain was far too awake to allow for me falling back to sleep. So, I got up, and played a bit of Pokemon Ruby on my brother’s game boy (yes, I am a bit of a nerd, if you haven’t figured that out by now, you need some mental help!)…

I took some pictures this morning, and tidied up the study room a bit… in addition to doing the dishes and gathering up a lot of bottles and cans. I know, doesn’t sound all that exciting.

Well, truthfully, that stuff was nothing to hold a press conference over or anything…

After that, I was super bored, so I put in my Queen: Live at the Bowl dvd and watched a few songs. While watching Freddie strut about on his stage, I got a thought.

I may have mentioned before how I went to the Mental Health Center for an evaluation, and I got a 30 day trial of an anti-depressant. I thought; today is the day to try it out. So I took one. And of course, I didn’t really feel any different (I seem to remember the guy saying it could take a couple weeks to get going)… Yeah.

So a couple hours later, I get struck with sudden inspiration. I need to take pictures. I have this old, busted LP that I found in some back alley once. It’s a compilation album called ‘Love Is’. But, all the artists and songs (all love related) listed I have never, ever heard in my life. Not even heard of.  I can’t find a year on it, so I have no idea how old it is. I know it’s got to be OLD, though. Part of it is missing, and it’s got a giant crack in it. I love it. Then, I got another bright idea; why just bring one picture taking prop when I can take more? So, I got some stuff loaded (my fake black rose, a couple things I made in pottery class in high school, my mini mannequin, and a couple figurines I have), and made off for State park, which is only a 5 (or so) minute drive from my house.

And.. I just loved it. Getting all down in the sand, putting things in the tide, and taking pictures as it came in.. drawing letters, getting all dirty, and getting sand beneath my fingernails (okay so I didn’t like that part lol)… I had sand all over me. But, I just felt so euphoric… I guess being artsy fartsy can do that to ya… ^^; And, these little boys were acting so CUTE building a sandcastle… Plus, the sky looked simply DIVINE.

It’s just… I’m so all around excited right now, it’s really, really hard to hold it all in! Why? Here’s why.

1.)The family is going out to eat tomorrow (not huge I know, but… simple pleasures!)
2.)The choir I’m in (North Iowa Choral Society)has its first practice of the season tomorrow.
3.) My classes start on MONDAY! I’m in CHOIR, and Comp & Speech.

It’s just… weird. I want to feel this great all the time! I swear!

Well… I should get back to working on my great pictures… I might show some of them here if I feel so inclined.

Did we leave our way behind us? Such a long, long way behind us…

Hello again, blog readers and other such travelers of the internet. I’m back again.

I have a week until school starts, yet it seems like so far in the future, it’ll never get here. It’s crazy. Usually, I almost dread the start of school, but now, I can’t wait for it to get here. Strange, really. Oh well.

I have been searching for a new job, to no avail so far. I had an interview at Target, as well as one at a convenience store, and another today was at Fleet Farm. I really hope one of them pans out, because I really, really need a job. It seems that all the jobs available are ones that require specialized experience that I do not have.

I still need to work out a payment plan with NIACC… I’ll probably have to say, look, I’ll pay $200 now, and then the other $250 or so like, halfway through the year or something. Whenever they’ll agree to. Because I still have to buy books, and pay for gas to get there every day. So, hopefully I hear from a job soon…. Or else it’s back to the drawing board.

I won’t waste too much time bitching about it though, because really, I don’t have it that badly…. and, as much as I really, really hate to sound like my parents, it will happen sooner or later. Preferrably sooner, but beggars can’t be choosers.

I am a bit lonely at the moment. My best friend lives a couple hours away, and as I’ve stated before, most of my other friends are too busy with their lives to care to contact me. I understand; my understanding doesn’t make the fact any easier to accept,  however… Oh well. Once school starts, I’ll be surrounded by people.

I just have to keep telling myself that sort of thing. I mean, I only have one more week of solitude, I should cherish it while it’s still here. I’m sure it won’t be too long that I’ll be back here, wishing for my summer back.

Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? I’ve never been able to figure that out. Like, winter. It’s so bitter and cold that we can’t wait for those dog days of summer… However, when it’s 95 degrees out, and the beaches are full, we wish for those comfy, cocoa drinking winter days that so elude us. Can’t we just be happy where we are, while we’re there? I confess; I am tired of the warmer summer weather. I am ready for fall, and *gulp*… winter. Ready for the cold. I just hope my opinion isn’t different when it’s 20 below, my car won’t start, and I have class in half an hour.

Believe it or not, I have been trying to be a different person, because let’s face it; I used to be a complete dumbass. I’m just glad I have friends that saw me through all that BS. Hopefully, now that I’m here, in this moment, they’ll see who I can truly be and they won’t let their past perception of me taint the me of the future!

It can be hard to do, really. I was just talking on the phone with Vanessa about that earlier. How we run into people we knew in High School, and they still treat us like time has stood still. Like we’re still the same naive teenagers that we were in HS. That really annoys me. The biggest changes of my life and personality have been since I graduated High School, really. I mean, I made some big changes in High School (mostly involving choir), but all my major personality changes have been in my college experiences (good and bad).

I suppose that’s what life is, really. Letting all your past experiences mold you into the person you are today. Hopefully that person is a better, wiser one, and I plan on making that so, or trying my very hardest to.

Lol I know all of this sounds rather strange coming from me, but oh well… If you haven’t figured out how bizarre I am before now, then you need some serious help. 😉

Don’t run and hide, even if it hurts you inside…

-“If you can’t beat them” by Queen, written by John Deacon.


I am feeling a little down at the moment.

I shall explain why.

Well, reason one for me to be a bit depressed; I no longer have a job. I didn’t get fired, if that’s what you’re thinking.

It’s just that… this one day, the bitchy supervisor that I have refered to in this blog before, well, she must have been having a bad day or something… She can come off as pushy, arrogant, and all around bitchy… Well, for some reason, I hadn’t been having a good day either, and she just pushed me over the brink; it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I said a few inappropriate things to her. All that did was make her mad though, nothing bad happened after that. She even got nicer to me as the day went on, so I figured it was both of us just getting a little out of hand.
Well, the next day was different. It was raining, for a start. Also, my car was so low on gas, I had to take FORTY DOLLARS out of my savings so I could put gas in my car.

So, I’m at work, and done with two of my three check outs when a co-worker came up to me and asked if I’d make one of her beds (since they take her so long, and she really hates doing them… It was an exchange of sorts; the co-worker would do a bathroom for me if I made a bed for her…  I figured I’d be nice. Plus, I only had one more check out to finish up, and then I only had three stay overs. It should have been a great day at work.

But no. My supervisor came into the room that I was making the bed for, and asked if I was done with my rooms. I said no… and then she freaked out. When I tried to politely defend myself, her words took a locomotive right over mine. She stood in the door and glared at me. In the post pathetic, scared voice I could muster, I asked if she would please get out of the doorway so I could get back to my room. She flipped again, saying ‘you don’t talk that way to a supervisor’. What about my tone had been inappropriate, I still haven’t figured out. I wasn’t mean or disrespectful to her in anyway. I simply tried to say my bit, but she and her harsh, foreboding manner of speaking wouldn’t allow it.

Finally, she asked me to leave. Not even to finish my rooms. Just to leave. That is when I got angry. I went downstairs to clock out, and she asked me all huffy like where my keys were. I told her they were upstairs, but they were her problem now, since I QUIT.

I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I have been dealing with the oppression and foreboding presence of this supervisor almost since the minute I started working. I was under pressure, and I cracked. I know my working conditions will not be perfect, but what I do not have to deal with is being verbally and mentally abused.

There is a line one can cross, and she did more than toe it, she fucking hopped over it on a trampoline.

I will finish this entry later, because the family dictator has decreed that I can’t be on the computer until I am hired at another job; because ‘grounding’ a twenty year old off the computer will certainly make employers hire her faster. I am making an effort too, not just sitting around all day. So I don’t get his fucking deal.

I am under pressure from that shit too. I have cracked, I’m just afraid of the day that I completely split in two.

Not too far off, I swear.

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now…

“Same Old Lang Syne”- Dan Fogelburg. 

Well bonjour again faithful blog readers.

Your blog authoress again finds herself in a misty cloud of thought.

I worked with this girl, today, and we actually hung out a bit after work… I won’t say her name… but… she needs to slow things down.

She just graduated High School this past year. She told me about her high school years.. The first time she drank, she was a sophomore in High School… And she actually did a hardcore drug (meth) because she wanted to be skinny… she went to rehab for that and everything… And, she’s a bit guy obsessed. Some of them she just likes to have fun with at parties and stuff…

I’ve been  trying to sound like the voice of reason, and that’s what prompted me to write this blog today….

Why do people do stupid things like that? Cheerleader does meth to be skinny… Pardon my being frank, but that is fucked up, my friends. Why can’t people just strive to be healthy and then be happy with it? Why do they think they have to let themselves wither away to almost nothing to be accepted? And use hard drugs to do it, nonetheless. It just sickens me what the widely accepted ideal of beauty has become.

It used to be, girls had curves and looked normal. Look at Marilyn Monroe; wasn’t she a like, size 14? And people thought she was one of the most gorgeous people on the planet. Why have we let the ideals of beauty fall to such an utterly disturbing level?

And yet, people contradict themselves. They will tell people like myself (plus sized beauties, aka ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’) that, “oh, at least you have a figure”, and “You’re not plastic like all the models”, but still, with their actions, condone the ideals of beauty we see today? Is it so hard to display your beliefs with your actions, and not just your words?

And why is it that people are harder on themselves than others? So,  someone doesn’t have a problem with others being different sizes, but they themselves go on stupid celery diets and exercise for hours and hours a day?

It doesn’t make sense to me.

Just… be yourself. Models aren’t a realistic ideal; we have been saying it for years; I realize I sound like a broken record. What part of the idea do people not understand?

The media’s image of beauty is ultimately decided by the public; what the public likes… So why not change it? Why not say, Fuck the media’s ideals. This is how we want to be, who gives a fuck if Hollywood puts us on a stupid E! special on fashion disasters, or if the tabloids spew their tripe about out behavior.

Just, be yourself. In the end, people will respect you more if you remain true to yourself, and not just adopt popular ideas because they are so widely revered. If you bend your whim to every changing trend, people are going to see you as just that; flimsy.

And the funny thing about all that is, in 50 years, nobody will give a shit what you used to wear, or the ‘cool’ ideas you used to personify; what will matter though, is what kind of person your actions lead you to become.

So why get so bloody excited about it?

This is yet another important lesson I have downloaded into my ancient computer brain in these past summer months; Be your fucking self.

So people stare at me for wearing my Queen tee shirt and fishnet arm covers; I don’t give a shit anymore. So parents eye me cautiously when I play DDR at the mall; screw them.

So people think I’m a freak for being honest, coming out and saying what I bloody believe. There’s no reason to beat around the bush with what you believe. Think about that. The people judging you aren’t beating around the bush in letting you know what they think of you, so why should you treat them any different? This doesn’t mean you have to be brash and disrespectful about it, but I see no problem with blatant honesty. Sometimes, you just have to give it to them straight, or it’ll never get through their incredibly thick skulls.

Which is why I’m glad I have such annoying people in my life sometimes; sometimes people really, really have to piss you off before you learn some things.