Whatever.

I never have good titles for these anymore.

So, the job is going okay. I don’t work very much, and honestly for a little while I’m okay with that so I can get used to working again. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my parents bitch that I need more hours or need another job, but right now I honestly need to acclimate to this one before I can consider that. I know it probably sounds like I’m just looking for an excuse to be lazy, but my life has been really trying for me lately.

So, I called a dentist today for the first time in literally years. I’ve neglected my dental health something terrible. It’s literally been a minimum of 5 years since I’ve been to a dentist. I have several teeth that have parts of them cracked or broken off (I can count 5 off the top of my head). I constantly have little tiny cuts on my tongue from the sharp edges of these few broken teeth. I’m sure I either have gum disease or the last stage of whatever it’s called before it’s called gum disease. I’ve known this for a while. And it doesn’t help that when anxiety is particularly bad (as it has been for me) one tends to ignore these things, failing to notice them entirely.

I mean, I know this dentist will have seen way worse teeth than mine, but I’m extremely nervous about this. I’m scared they’ll judge me as some filthy hobo who can’t keep up basic hygiene habits. But that’s something anxiety makes harder. I was already lazy before, but when anxiety is bad I can be so busy trying not to constantly panic that little things go by the wayside. For like a week or more, I was pretty much only eating once a day, and that was only because I’m not supposed to take my morning meds on an empty stomach. And that would be it, all day, because I wouldn’t even have the simple motivation to boil water for a packet of ramen. When my anxiety gets bad, I’m lucky if I take a shower twice a week. Which is disgusting. But when my anxiety gets bad, I can only seem to shower if I’m going to leave the house, or if it’s a bazillion degrees outside.

I do know that I feel much better once I actually have showered, but when it takes a shit ton of effort just to get out of bed and make coffee, showering isn’t first on my to do list.

Plus right now, I have my period, which usually makes my negative moods/behaviors even worse. I mean, I can go from laughing at some ridiculous Star Trek episode (So you’re telling me Spock went nuts because he needed to get laid? Seriously? And why during this battle does Kirk’s shirt get ripped ONCE, RIGHT where his titties are? Really guys?) to crying about making a phone call.

Honestly the last straw with this dentist business was me laying down trying to do a guided meditation, and my toothache was just getting more and more distracting until I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. And that’s part of why it’s been so long since I’ve been to a dentist. If I was having a toothache, I would take ibuprofen and forget about it, or it’d put some orajel on it and the pain wouldn’t come back and I’d forget about it.

I know it’s probably stereotypical to hit age 30 and all of a sudden OH SHIT MY HEALTH IS A THING. It just feels silly, because as people my age are literally graduating college with their masters degrees, having children, getting married, here’s me, YELLING about STAR TREK, and getting SCARED OF MAKING A PHONE CALL, anxiety-ing myself to death about working at a damn pizza joint.

Part of it is I’m really okay with being by myself (well I have a cat, but whatever), but part of it is, I really wouldn’t want to subject another human to my batshit insane behavior. Right now I’m okay with reading smutty fanfiction and watching shitty movies/tv on netflix, I guess.

Ugh.

I’m in the second week of a new job,  and today is only my 3rd real shift. A pizza place on a Friday night,  5-10pm. I won’t be alone, and it’s a fairly small place that only does dine in and carry out, no delivery, but I’m still pretty much shitting my pants right now.  The biggest way ny anxiety manifests itself is I’m pretty much always on high alert for something to go wrong. I’m terrified at the prospect of being overwhelmed and having customers mad at the company knowing it’s my fault.

And I hate this shit where I don’t work until the evening because I don’t have the energy or drive to do anything all day bc I have to save up my energy for work.  Or I’ll be in an okay mood all day but then about an hour before I have to work I get really upset and stressed out like I am now.

I never used to be this bad. Granted I didn’t like being a cashier but my first cashier job that I was at almost 3 years, I never sat and cried for hours bc I didn’t want to work.

I saw my therapist a couple days ago and talked about how a lot of stuff that’s happened in my life,  I absorbed the guilt for (I think her words were it stuck to me). Like, I absolutely have done stupid shit in my life that was my fault, but I guess that I always assume that everything is my fault. And I am so used to fucking up or not being good enough  that I just assume off the bat that that is what’s going to happen. Because it’s easier than thinking otherwise. Because if I assume the worst right off the bat, I might be surprised, but if I hope for something better, it’ll be that much more disappointing when it doesn’t happen. I hate it and I can’t stop.

This is a big reason I isolate myself.  I hate how automatically negative I am and how it affects the way other people view me. Nobody likes a constantly negative downer who shits on everyone’s happiness.

I’m constantly afraid I’m going to let people down. Summarize my life so far, and aside from meeting most of Oingo Boingo  (sans Danny), meeting Howard Jones, and meeting Thomas Dolby, I’m pretty much a failure.

I’ve had lowkey suicidal ideology forever. It’s like I’ve honestly lost the will to really live, but I’m also scared to die and would 100 percent never even attempt to kill myself. So I feel like I’m just constantly wading through neck deep bullshit looking for little distractions. That’s why I play so many video games. Why I end up watching the same 5 or 6 things on netflix because I’m never in the mood for anything.

I have to start getting ready for work, but I may come back afterwards. Idk

Eh, whatever.

Figured I should update here since I haven’t for a while, though I can’t say much has really changed since I last wrote.

I recently had an interview at a pizza place whose name is a lot like Plaza Hat (I don’t like to say the name of these places outright, lest it show up when you google the company) and I’m supposed to call them back on Sunday at like, 2pm. Why they can’t just call me, I don’t know, but whatever.

As with the many interviews I’ve had before this one, I thought it went okay but I’m not exactly holding my breath. I went ahead and put in another dollar type discount place application today just so I don’t feel like shit for doing nothing.

Yesterday was a shit day. I didn’t get an IM from my dad until after he’d already called and I told him about the interview, but my day basically started out in bed hysterically sobbing for 45 minutes while I listened to a guided meditation. In the message, all he had to say was “you need to look harder for a job it’s been 4 months”.

Now, I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to accomplish with this shit. Maybe in his mind it’s just a reminder and he isn’t trying to rag on me, but the reality is that my anxiety hears “SEE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK IT’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY WHY EVEN BOTHER”. I have multiple, continued discussions about this with my therapist, and it’s a running theme in my life, apparently.

Maybe he doesn’t understand how hard it is to live inside my brain, day to day. There are honestly some days I have to struggle like hell just to do the dishes and take a shower on the same day, nevermind actually DOING LAUNDRY or fucking GOING OUTSIDE. Last week I think there were three entire days where I couldn’t leave the house at all.

As I’ve said MANY times before, my dad probably means well but he’s of the older generation that doesn’t understand just how much of the job hunting process now takes place online. He’s from the school of “HIT THE PAVEMENT CALL EVERYONE” but that really isn’t how it works anymore. Not to mention my crippling phone anxiety (how I lasted almost a year at a call center is beyond me, honestly), and the fact that I really can’t afford to be driving all around everywhere job hunting, because I honestly couldn’t even afford a tank of gas right now, so what dad put in the last time he used the car is what I have until I find a job.

And you know, he’s bitching now, and he’d be bitching if I tried to constantly hit him up for gas money, so I don’t know what else he wants me to do.

He has problems in his own life that he hasn’t or refuses to address, and I’m just trying to fucking survive my own crap, so I really try not to dwell on it.

I guess a development I forgot to mention was that, for three months, I’ve once again been approved for food stamps, which was good because I was almost literally out of everything.

A setback is that since dad is currently paying my bills, I have to report that shit as income on my housing assistance, and that might affect the amount of rent they pay, which is bullshit. It’s not income, he’s paying my bills because quite literally I only have 50 dollars in the bank. Until such time as my tax return goes through, I literally have 50 bucks to my name, and I have to keep that in the bank to keep my account open.

I think the reason that I don’t speak up to my parents about certain hurtful things they say is because they currently do so much for me, I don’t feel I have the right to complain. I suppose I haven’t been as courteous to them in the past as I should have been, so right now, I just kind of lie down and take it because for the current moment, without their assistance, Life would have long since bent me over a desk and reamed me without lube. Sometimes it feels like it already has.

It’s hard to deal with this shit knowing how much worse some people have it. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, how can I possibly feel bad because I know there are starving homeless people, that kind of thing.

I’m honestly not going to dwell on it too much right now because I’m coffee hyper and actually in a good mood, so let’s move on.

Let’s see. I’ve been playing a fuckload of dragon age games lately. I just finished another playthrough of Origins, and for the first time imported the world state into a game of Dragon age 2, which I THEN plan to import to a new game of Dragon Age Inquisition. This game really is filling the huge skyrim sized hole in my soul. Skyrim is my first love, but I’ve been playing it for 3 years and until such time as I can either 1, afford ESO, or 2, they release another ES standalone game, this is where it’s at.

I’m literally obsessed with dragon age shit right now. Which feels weird to say as a 30 year old “adult”. I might be 30 but I’m still a single, fat nerd who lives alone with their cat so take that however you will. LOL.

Hey, I could have just kept sitting on my ass after like 3 hours of video games, but I felt it prudent to at least get off my ass and go for a walk to the library. Nevermind that the library is a pokemon go stop and I literally would never leave my house if it weren’t for the pokemon go app, but that’s another tale for another time, I guess.

 

Whatever.

This whole day has been kind of strange. It technically started about 3am when I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and hard boiled some eggs (for potato salad, I don’t just randomly wake up at 3am with the urge to boil eggs, lol), and played video games for like an hour, then went back to bed. Then I boiled potatoes, then while they were cooking/cooling, I threw in a load of laundry, did dishes, took out the trash, hung up the laundry to dry, and I made potato salad; all that was before 10:30 in the morning, and is pretty much the last productive thing I’ve done all day. It was such a nice day even a fat antisocial nerd couldn’t stay indoors, so I walked to the library. I had emailed myself like, 5 online apps I was going to do tomorrow after my therapy appointment, but I figured wtf and applied to like 3 of them today.

I found out my status for the dollar type store job I interviewed for a couple weeks ago is “no longer being considered”.

Great. Another interview I thought went well only for it to go completely and totally nowhere. At this point, I don’t even know why I bother applying or interviewing at all. It’s like I’m broken. I didn’t get the Casey’s job, I didn’t get this job, I probably didn’t get that seasonal art gallery clerk job I applied for last month and have thusly heard nothing back about yet. It’s still early in the season, but I’m not exactly holding my breath.

So then I’m desperate, and I end up applying for jobs I know I can’t handle, and then I can’t even relax because I know I’m making an effort, then I get ahead of myself and start imagining all the difficult situations I’d be in once I got hired, which I believe is a textbook case of counting one’s chickens before they hatch. As seen on tumblr, “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it”. LOL. No really.

And back to this swirling nightmare of “no matter how much I do in a single day, it’s never enough and doesn’t matter anyway since I can’t get a job and constantly feel guilty for existing or taking up any space at all”. Not even the 3 grocery bags of garbage I picked up around town on earth day are a drop of piss in the toilet our world is in. I keep asking myself when I’m not going to constantly lowkey feel like I’m a failure and a waste of space on our earth, and I feel like my therapy sessions have just farted down to “no matter how much or what I do it’ll never be enough since I can’t get a fucking job” over and over, every session.

I don’t know, I’m just bored with it all but without any real desire to jump off a bridge or whatever it is that destitute, depressed people normally do in that kind of situation. At the same time I’m bored with life, I’m also scared shitless of death, so figure that one out. And now we’re going to move on because I am so not having a “fuck someday I’ll be dead” panic attack in public, fuck u very much brain.

Eh, whatever, I’m already talking in circles so whatever

Waiting to hear about a job.

Still waiting to hear back about the convenience store job. I also have an interview at a dollar discount type store on Monday. I was actually supposed to have that interview on Tuesday, but my car battery was dead (for the second time in a week, no less) so I had to call them and reschedule. Dad drove here to mess with it for me. It’s working fine now, knock on wood. I was told as far as the convenience store job that I should hear back yesterday or today, as he had other interviews earlier this week. I was hopeful at first, but it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and I haven’t heard back. The dude who interviewed me said he was going to Florida on Sunday. I guess it’s still feasible that he might get back to me tomorrow, but that’s going to be a huge pain in the ass because in addition to spending all today so far antagonizing over it, then it’ll fuck up my Friday too. The only thing I can think of is that they interviewed someone else who has worked at a gas station before. I seem to recall him asking me to confirm a couple times that I’d never worked at a gas station before.

I hate interviews, because I think they all go well, yet I never hear anything back, or I’ll get a rejection email a few weeks after the fact. Most of them don’t even do that anymore. And that honestly would be nice, if there were some system they could use to inform applicants that someone else was chosen for the position. But I guess, to their credit, it would be hard to do, because they’d either have to put all the applicants’ emails into some sort of temporary database, or punch all that shit in by hand, and they’ve got better things to do than worry about all the poor sods that didn’t get hired.

I called my grandma today because her birthday was yesterday, and I guess during that HOUR AND A HALF long phone call (she’s great, but my grandma will talk literally forever if you let her) I missed a call from my old boss at the nursing home where I washed dishes for like a month.

She did this to me once before. Did y’all forget you fired me? First off, if you’d wanted me to stay on only as a fill in if all the other kitchen help can’t show up, you could have just said that, but no, they made it pretty damn clear I was fired that last day I was there. Secondly, I get housing assistance, they currently take care of 100 percent of my rent while I’m unemployed and have zero income. I’m not having some disorganized shit weasels fuck it up by suddenly wanting me to come in. And honestly, I was pretty destroyed when I got fired, but also, part of me wasn’t that upset because they were always disorganized as shit and neither of the cooks would even say two words to me, even when I was trying to be conversational and polite. I also had unparalleled anxiety attacks the first several weeks of working there, complete with openly sobbing in front of other workers in the kitchen. I’m just glad I missed the call, because the other time when I actually answered it was weird.

In fact I was so taken aback I didn’t think to say this, but after I hung up, I was like…. uh, did y’all forget you fired me? I’m wishing I had, I’d have loved to hear her reaction.

But still, it’s like I said, I’m either fired and completely off the books, or you could have told me straight up that you’re not going to schedule me regular hours, but you wanted me to stay on as a fill in.

That almost would have been worse, because then I’d be constantly worried they would call me in, as if I would be in trouble if I missed the call and didn’t come in.

It’s honestly that places’ fault though, they were terrible about scheduling shit like that.

I’m honestly just irritated as fuck about the stupid convenience store thing, either send me the rejection email or call me and tell me when you want me in for orientation.

Ever ahead of me, my anxiety is already like “BUT THEN YOU’D HAVE TO STRESS OVER HAVING TO GO TO ORIENTATION, DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND SOCIAL SECURITY CARD OR DID YOU GIVE THAT BACK TO YOUR FOLKS TO PUT IN THE LOCKBOX” and so on and so forth. I actually had a bit of a panic attack earlier for no reason. I was anxious to get off the phone (my grandma is great, honestly, but I was antsy because I’m kind of expecting a phone call).

My only real break from that shit is going to be, if I haven’t heard from them and it’s like, past 7pm, I know they’re not going to conduct that sort of business that late.

What I am anxious about is that, the dude mentioned that one of the shifts I’d likely be on is 2-10, and if that’s what he’s working today, then it’s possible he will call me after 2.

I could go on and on but I think I can just leave it at “FOR FUCKS SAKE GET BACK TO ME OR SEND THE REJECTION EMAIL I HATE NOT KNOWING”.

And it’s true, one of the ways my anxiety often manifests itself is “YOU CAN’T RELAX, YOU DON’T KNOW EVERY POSSIBLE LITTLE THING ABOUT A GIVEN SITUATION, WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT A VARIABLE REGARDING TO THE THING HAPPENING AND THEN THAT THING HAPPENS”. So I guess maybe it’s more accurate to call it paranoia. I don’t know, honestly.

I honestly just need to end this entry here, because the rest of it is just going to be rewording shit I’ve already said.

 

Eh…

Mood hasn’t gotten much better since the last time I wrote a week ago. Well, it actually has, but I’m in a shitty mood right now. As always, stressed about the job search. I put in 3 apps yesterday, I just put one in, but there literally aren’t any new job listings in my zip code that I haven’t already seen. I’d love to plug away and put in 10 apps a day until I finally found a job, but there just aren’t that many jobs around here.

Like every day that goes by that I haven’t found a job, I just lose hope. I’m wondering why I’m even going through this whole charade. I keep consistently putting in job apps, and I keep consistently not even getting a damn rejection courtesy email. Before I used to get a fair amount of interviews (but not get the job) but now it seems like I’m not even getting interviews. I know a very common way my anxiety manifests itself is in my tendency to follow through every situation to it’s terrible possible conclusion, but when is this shit going to end?

I’m pretty much down to the minimum amount that you can have in your savings account and still keep it active. My parents are paying my bills right now with the stipulation that I begin paying them back once I secure employment (if, I mean, at this rate).

I’m just so disappointed in myself. When I think back on first moving here, this isn’t at all how I thought things would go. I had a full time, decent paying job, I had an apartment, I could afford rent and bills… fast forward to now, I’m literally in a constant state of anxiety, where it’s an accomplishment if I can even do dishes and take a shower in the same day, nevermind actually boiling water and even making myself ramen.

I get so depressed because it seems like the only way to have a job back again is to go back to the call center. Which I can’t do, because I get upset just thinking about how hard it was for me there, especially the last like 4-5 months I was there. I mean, I could pay my bills, but that was about the only thing. And then I just hate myself because I know there are people that deal with far worse situations than me and haven’t completely lost their damn minds.

I mean, take this with a grain of salt because I drank a bit last night so I didn’t take my meds.

That’s how I know I have a problem, I get anxious about my anxiety meds. It would be funny if I wasn’t trying not to cry in public writing a damn blog entry like the lame ass nerd I am. What I meant to say is, it seems like I don’t even enjoy my non stressed moments because then I’m insecure about the fact that it seems like I can’t even miss my meds for ONE DOSE because I can definitely feel it.

How the hell am I supposed to be an independent adult with my brain being against me at every single turn?

And the most frustrating thing is, there are two local establishments that regularly post job openings, and if my application isn’t still active from the last time, I apply every single time, and yet I consistently don’t even get a damn interview. I didn’t think a chain pizza joint (it rhymes with pizza tut) was that discerning with their employment. I couldn’t even get a damn interview at the golden arches fast food place that I can literally see from my living room window.

And then I start to dwell on my past mistakes. I fucked up so much before, (even somewhat recently, i.e. my last job) that maybe all those mistakes are hurting my chances at employment.

This isn’t anything I can take to my parents because they either go “See we told you blahblahblahblah” or “I keep telling you to blahblahblahblah but you don’t and now see where you are” or whatever in not so many words.

I mean I literally mention my guilt about the past in every single therapy session I have, and yet it still consistently comes up in each subsequent therapy session.

It’s so exhausting living in a state of constant (most likely) unfounded guilt. Guilty about what I did before, guilty for what I’m doing now, guilty for what I’m GOING to do, it’s like christ, I feel guilty just for being alive on the planet. I basically ruined my parents lives by being born and turning in a piece of shit, and I’m still ruining it. My dad gets disability and can’t currently work at his part time job yet (he’s recovering from rotator cuff surgery) and my mom makes way less money at her current job but they’re currently paying my bills, giving me gas money… shit, dad gave me forty bucks before I left their house on Sunday from spending the weekend. And I don’t deserve any of it. Dad was right when he said I was a burden on everyone’s life, because all I do is cost them money and stress them out. Even my sister, it seems like, because when am I not messaging her when I’m really upset but don’t want to stress out my other anxiety having friends about it? When you really think about it, people would have been so much better off without me having been born into the universe.

And it’s hard to give a fuck about your unemployment when you kind of wish you’d never been born

UGH.

I wasn’t even going to write anything but I have like 45 minutes to kill before my therapy appointment and I’m so not going home for that little amount of time.

Let’s see. This past week and a half have sucked a huge diseased scrotum. Last night was the first night in a week and a half that I haven’t had completely shitty sleep. I’m talking, go to bed at 10, wake up at midnight, up until 2-3, then can only sleep until 5am kind of thing. And that wasn’t even the worst one. This is probably the most stressed I’ve ever been, second only to when I worked at the call center I used to work at.

If I’m going to be this stressed all the time, I may as well just fucking go back to that dump. At least I’ll be able to pay my bills. But I know that really wouldn’t work that well. Facebook having their on this day bullshit serves as more than a vehicle for outdated memes, it reminds me of certain things. And my anxiety was literally the worst it’s ever been in my life the last 5-6 months I worked there.

I would sob every morning before work, sob at work before work started, sob intermittently throughout the day, then immediately upon getting home for the day, I would get really upset that I’d have to do the whole song and dance over again the next day. It was pure hell. So I know going back really isn’t an option, unless I want my mental faculties to deteriorate even more.

As of yet I have been able to avoid relapsing into self harm, but man, picture this; I’m sitting on the couch, sobbing, holding my phone which is blaring some random Paul McCartney song. And I mean I’m sobbing so hard that I know if I get up in the next 15 minutes self harm is going to happen. I’m able to hold this shit off because I don’t really want to have to explain to people that my mental health has really sucked that bad in the recent past.

But it’s like, holy fucking ballsack, I can’t keep doing this.

I’m waiting to hear back about a job. Little over a week ago I applied to have a temporary position at an art gallery (it’s only open during the summer/early fall). That was a week ago. I’ve been stressing to fucking asgard and back several times over since then.

I say this over and over because it’s true, but I really am looking. I’m trying so fucking hard to find a job. I monitor the online job board I use constantly, sometimes several times in a single day. It’s not that I’m not trying. It’s just that, my anxiety is literally so bad, that lately I’ve fallen back into that “Hey let’s only shower once every 3-4 days, and let the dishes pile up until we’re literally out of clean dishes, silverware, and pots to cook shit in, meanwhile let’s move the xbox and tv into the bedroom and literally spend 2 days straight in bed while a majority of your sustenance is the jar of peanut butter on your bedside table, eaten with your finger because REMEMBER HOW ALL THE SILVERWARE IS DIRTY” etc. When it’s literally a huge chore just to get myself to take a fucking bath and do a single load of dishes (not to mention laundry which literally gets left until we’re on our last pair of clean underwear and they’re the ones you hate to wear because they don’t really fit right), it’s really hard to also work on getting a job.

In fact my anxiety was so bad just this morning that a likely perfectly innocuous text from my dad asking how the job hunt was going was enough to send me spiraling into an hours long episode of extreme anxiety.

I’m sure he meant it fine, but I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear the phrase and not picture him lecturing me on how much I need a job and he’s not just saying it to rag on me he wants me to better myself and blahblah FUCKING BLAH I FUCKING KNOW ALREADY SWEET LEFT NUT OF THE ZOMBIE JESUS I FUCKING KNOW.

I know my parents resent me, and I can’t say I blame them. I’m fucking 30 and I can barely get myself to shower and cook a real meal in the same day (let alone week, fucking hell). In a fit of hormonal rage (my mom had a hysterectomy but still has her ovaries, hence she still gets a Hell Mood once a month) my mother not only went “Oh you’re gonna cry now oh look at me I have depression”, but also said “Every dollar we spend helping you is a dollar we don’t have to go on another trip”.

And dad, I haven’t been able to really hear anything he’s ever said to me since he told me I was a burden on everyone’s life and I had no prospects. I am a burden on everyone’s life. I don’t contribute anything really meaningful to society or anyone’s life at all, I don’t even fucking know why I’m here to start with. All I do is cost people money and cause them huge fucking headaches. My mother should have had a goddamn abortion and saved the world the trouble.

Like everything I do for people is not to do something for them and just a bullshit attempt to make myself feel better for being nothing but a terrible fuckup. I should just pack up all my shit and jump in front of a bus.

I’m on fucking housing assistance at fucking 30 years old, with no way to pay my bills. My dad said they’d pay them for the time being and then I would just owe them money but holy shit do you know how much money I owe my fucking parents? I don’t see how I’m ever going to pay that shit. I can’t keep a job to save my fucking life. Even when I try really hard it doesn’t fucking matter.

Anxiety is a chronic condition. I’m going to be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. If this is how bad I’m going to feel for the rest of my life, I don’t want to fucking be here.

And don’t tell me to reach out to other people for help because that’s all I ever fucking do, and I come across as a HUGE fucking burden. I know other people with anxiety, do they ever come to me for help? Is the exchange ever not when I’ve been sobbing for an hour and I’m dissociating and I need them to help me break out of it? When have I ever been there for a friend who really needed it? I never am. All I ever do is NEED something from people but I’ll be fucking damned if I’ve ever been able to pay it back.

And even if I did get bad enough to have to spend time in a ward or something, that’d just be even further stressing people out. I can’t have that on my fucking conscience.

I need to go because my appointment is in 20 minutes but holy shit am I in a terrible fucking mood today

Short blog about today

Eh, I wanted to talk about stuff but didn’t care to clutter up facebook with it. Let’s see, what did I do today?

I made cold brew coffee. I had the thought this morning while pouring myself a cup of yesterday’s coffee because I’m not super picky about that sort of thing. So it steeped all day then I spent what felt like an eternity waiting for it to go through a coffee filter, at like 10pm.

I cleaned my bathroom today ( I have a really small bathroom but still). I vacuumed my kitchen and did dishes several times. This morning I dropped off a box and a bag of stuff at goodwill.  I also went for a walk to hit up some of the pokestops in town. I also needed a couple things from the dollar store so that was my excuse for leaving the house. Then for dinner I made the best grilled cheese ham sandwich with spicy mustard and pizza cheese.

Idk, I was just proud of myself for actually being productive today.

Well it’s 2017…

And cheeto hitler is in office. That’s not exactly what I came here to write about, as I’d be here a pretty long fucking time if it were.

For the past couple weeks I’ve been staying at my parents’ house. Dad had rotator cuff surgery like 3-4 weeks ago so the plan was to stay for a couple days and help him out.  That was a weekend. On that Wednesday I heard my mom slipped on the ice and hurt her wrist, so that Wednesday I came over. I brought my cat so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurrying back to my apartment. On this past Wednesday she was supposed to see a specialist but it snowed and shit that day so the appt was rescheduled for tomorrow.

I really don’t mind at all doing things for my folks especially when they have two good arms between them both, but I’m ready to be back at my place. I’m stressed out about it though. While I’ve been here I’ve done a lot of things for my parents, doing dishes,  cooking meals (not all of them mind u) helping dad put his shoes on, I drove him to a dr appt. I drove mom somewhere, and went along with her as she drove somewhere to see if she could handle driving… all the while basically putting the job search on hold while I’ve been here.

I’m stressed for two reasons. One reason is the job thing

I gave myself a week off from job hunting before this injury business happened, then I’ve been here doing almost no job hunting for two weeks,  and now that it’s nearly a new week I’m way too stressed to even think about it. I had therapy last week and spoke with my therapist about things.  She agreed with me that there really isn’t a whole lot going on job wise right now,  and when I narrow the search results down to exact location, I go from having dozens of result listings, to having like 6 per city. I’ve applied to several different locations of the same dollar type store, nothing.  Applied to several different locations of the same pizza chain restaurant, nothing. Applied for a similar position to my previous job, nothing. I can’t handle fast food due to my anxiety, I have back  problems and can’t lift very much weight so factory work is out. I really can’t be on my feet all day long without getting to sit down at some point. I can’t apply for any jobs that involve driving because I have an OWI from 2009 on my record, and I believe 12 years have to pass before that gets taken off the record.

I still feel bad though.  No matter what I do or how much I do, it never feels like enough in any way.  Unless I’ve spent every waking moment doing hundreds of job apps, I feel that I’m not doing enough. Even when I’m trying it feels like a lie and that I’m just trying to self justify my laziness and inadequacy.

The other reason I’m stressed is bc this time helping my folks seems to be a preview of the future, but to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t handle doing this 24/7. I haven’t even done dishes at my apartment for weeks, yet multiple times a day I’ve basically been doing my parents’ dishes for 2 weeks. I’ve cooked and baked stuff here, but back at home I can’t remember the last time I cooked a real honest to gods meal.

I’m doing the sort of upkeep at my parents’ house that still needs to be done at my apartment, only now I’m exhausted from doing stuff for my folks. I’m glad to actually be useful for once but god damn it’s exhausting. And then I get super stressed about not having energy enough to do things at my place. I have like 300 bucks in the bank so I’m not in immediate danger, but that’s only because my dad covered my almost 300 dollar utility bill bc I hadn’t gotten a utility bill in the mail for a couple months. Even though the company swears they generated a bill for December, and  I was apparently already behind then.

I’m disappointed in myself because I thought at 30 I’d be able to better support myself. There’s no way I could have stayed at my call center job but I’m starting to feel like I should have stayed despite the crippling anxiety that place gave me (I was literally sobbing before work every single morning and at my cubicle throughout the day).

As it stands I may give myself another week off from serious job hunting so I can acclimate back to my normal apartment life.

As I mentioned  (or didn’t,  I have a bad memory), I’ll be going with mom to her appt tomorrow, and depending on how late we get back I may go back to my apartment tomorrow. Even if it’s lateish. As I said,  I’m happy to do these things for my folks but it’s really time for me to be back in my own place.

Update before the holidays.

It looks like the last entry before this one was in September. Well, since then, I got a job at a nursing home, doing the dishes. And not even a couple weeks ago, I got fired from that job, so I once again find myself without income. Luckily (or perhaps unluckily) I had already gotten gifts for those I am exchanging with (just my mom, dad, and my sister, really).

For the first couple weeks the job was hell because the boss lady would never put me officially on the schedule, I always just had to ask her basically at the end of every shift when I was to work again. I was just settling in to that place where I was feeling comfortable with the work, and starting to feel like I could find my niche there.

I had a bug that I missed a day of work for, and was late twice because of, and one of these appointments being the reason I got fired, basically. I couldn’t remember whether I’d told them I’d be late that day or if I just thought of telling them and forgot. But they unceremoniously let me go less than two weeks before Christmas. They didn’t even let me finish that day’s work, and I only had like half an hour to go til the end of the day.

Still, from day one I should have known. One person was expected to do an assload of work with no help. I got bitched at several times.

It just pisses me off because I busted my ass at this job, knowing how important it was for me to keep. And they still let me go. Just kind of makes me feel hopeless, you know? It was probably hard enough to get jobs knowing I’d been fired from one job, now how will it look having been fired from two? It really kind of feels like my life is over. Nothing ever works out, no matter how well it seems to be going. I’m 30, and while I’m watching literally every other person I know my age or younger either being successful at their job (my sister), or getting married/buying a house/having a kid/etc, and what am I doing? Nothing.

I’m doing nothing with my life. I can barely keep up the bare minimum of taking care of myself and my cat, let alone do anything else. My apartment is a mess, I have a shitload of dishes to do, and most days I don’t even have the energy to shower. But the thing is, with the exception of the past week, I’ve been in a much better mood. Even now I’m sure this whole entry is being colored PMS red, since I’m just about done worrying about it for this month, as it were.

More and more I know I’m a burden on people and it would be much easier for everyone if I’d never even begun existing to start with. It’s honestly too late for me to do anything. I can’t really confide in anyone about it either, because they just give me advice that makes me feel even more guilty (even though the advice is probably benign and most likely decent advice).

I still can’t get away from this feeling that I’m never good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough, because it never is. I work my ass off at a job and thought I was doing pretty well, BAM, fired. This is going to be the rest of my life, isn’t it? Busting ass at a job only to be dumped out on my ass in less than 3 months. Constantly stressed about how the fuck I’m going to pay my bills or my rent (luckily I have housing assistance or I’d be well and truly fucked already).

And then I feel so guilty. Failure is a part of everyone’s life, but I can’t get away from feeling like every failure I have defines me as a person. There ya go, fucked up again, why even try because it always ends up this way type shit.

And then because I’ve made so many goddamn mistakes in my life, I feel that each mistake I make is progressively  more and more important to the point where it feels like every single bad thing that happens on earth is my fault. It feels like everything bad is my fault. And how the fuck can I work on myself in this state of mind?

My sister tries to give me advice and I appreciate it a lot, but I must be insane. I keep thinking I’m growing as a person but I keep fucking up and keep fucking up to the point where I just don’t tell people this shit anymore because staying silent about how truly negative and pessimistic I am about everything is easier than trying to have any hope at all.

Sorry, it’s just that whenever my life is going well, in any aspect, in any way at all, something takes a huge shit all over it. It’s like, what point is it to hope? Everything sucks and we’re going to die and pretty soon fascist cheeto hitler will be the “leader” of the free world.

I’m sure this is just the pms hormones talking because honestly before this week I was feeling okay about things. I’m just so tired of this shit. I thought I was doing okay at my job, so getting fired before christmas was pretty much just the cherry on top of the “go fuck yourself” cake, I guess.

I honestly only sat down to write this because I figured it would help me feel better.

Obviously with the holiday being so close, I’m not about to go out job hunting or to interviews or whatever. However, I’ve been checking indeed every day and favoriting jobs that I plan to apply to once the holiday is over. So that should be okay. I’m also planning to  hardcore tidy up my apartment. I’ve been letting it slide majorly, with exception to my living room.

I just don’t know why I still feel so fucking terrible about this whole job thing. It just feels like another link in the paper chain of letting everyone I know down. I was supposed to start paying my portion of the cell phone bill this month. I was starting to build up my savings, now that’s not gonna happen, and every last cent of what’s in there is going to have to pay my bills until I get a job.

And I’m worried. It took like, 2 months of me applying to like 3-5 places every day to get a job before. What if it takes that long this time? It just doesn’t feel fucking fair that even if someone is working on something diligently, it still takes ages to happen.

And then I feel guilty about not spending every waking moment worrying about this job thing, as if to underestimate the importance of it.

Honestly, every single day I feel guilt. I either feel guilty because I’m nothing but a fuck up who should have been aborted by her mother, or I feel overwhelming guilt about nothing in particular. Just guilt for existing. Because I know I basically ruined my parents’ lives. My mom was only, what, 21 or something when she had me. Poor college kids. Then they had a fucking kid to take care of. And then I proceeded to be a huge headache for them from kindergarten to the present fucking day. It honestly would be better if I just didn’t exist, but I’d never try or do anything to further that feeling along.

What good have I ever really done anyone? I’m just a problem they have to deal with. I always need need need from people, but what can I really offer back to anyone? I’m not a good friend, I’m not good at anything I can make money and support myself doing, so honestly what’s the point?

I’m sure this is all PMS talking. And that’s something else that pisses me off. When these spells end, and they always have, I’m like “the fuck emo shit was I on about?”. But during these spells? During them, they’ll never end and this is how I’m going to feel until I die. Even though I can remember all the other times the spells ended.

Anyway. Honestly the reason I wanted to write this is so I’d feel better. I’ll apply to jobs hardcore after the holiday is over, I’ll tidy up my place little by little, so there’s really no reason for me to fuck up the season worrying about it. My sister gets on the plane back to her home in DC on the 1st of January, I need to enjoy what’s happening now instead of ruining the holiday by worrying that I’ll ruin the holiday.