Well, I figured out why I was so depressed yesterday. PMS decided to pay me a visit. I don’t even know if I should call it mood swings anymore because it seems like the only thing that happens to my mood during pms is I just get really depressed. I’ve got a ton of shit I could be doing like cleaning out my car, cleaning up the living room, cleaning my room, doing the dishes, and I just can’t be arsed to do any of it because I feel like shit.
I do need to leave the house today to turn in my movies that are due at the library and to possibly get a haircut, but I’m waiting to see what the roommate is going to do. She’s dropping her brother off at home, and I know she said we need to pay the water/sewer bill, and she’s looking for something to do today. If she’s bored enough, I’ll just go along with her to run my errands. If she’s got other plans, I can always just go myself. But I thought I’d wait just in case.
I was feeling depressed earlier so I did a small painting and while it did help a little, the shitty mood was more or less back as soon as I had finished. I may paint several other pictures today just to get my mind off shit. I still feel bad because like I said, there’s a ton of shit I should be doing that more than likely will not get done today. I’ve got the PMS blahs. Honestly the only thing I will probably actually do today are the dishes, because they’re getting to that point.
Every time I do the dishes there’s always a ton of them because I’ve waited so long, and every single time I go “Okay, now that that huge pile of dishes is done I’m going to do the dishes every day so they don’t build up” and then every time 4-5 days go by and it’s back to being a huge pile of dishes.
Lately I’ve had trouble motivating myself to do even things that I enjoy doing, let alone necessary shit like dishes and laundry. I don’t know how people do this adult shit.
I had all these ideas in my head of how I was going to live my life once I moved out of my parents’ house but I’m not doing any of it. I never cook anymore, it’s all either prepackaged food or shit like mac and cheese. I haven’t kept my room in decent shape like I wanted to. I haven’t kept the living room decent like I wanted to (although that is partially my roommate’s fault as well, as we’re very alike in that respect). I haven’t kept my laundry hung on hangers in my closet, like I wanted to.
I can’t be motivated to do anything anymore, even stuff I know I “have” to do. Just about the only thing that I have kept up on is my unemployment stuff like looking for jobs. Although truthfully most of that has taken place online, as I need to conserve gas. If I don’t find another job, I get just barely enough unemployment to cover rent/bills, with absolutely none left over for gas, toiletries, clothes, food, or anything.
I am planning on turning in my food stamp application today. I can’t check the balance on my unemployment issued debit card until tomorrow, as for some ungodly reason the website says you can’t check the balance on Mondays. So I’ve maybe got ten bucks to my name, total. And I’ll probably need most of that for my haircut.
Yesterday while attempting to clean out my car (I only got the front seats done because my back hurt so bad) I found the receipt for when I got my hair chopped off and it was March 31st. I would put off getting a haircut for even longer but with this short style, it’s going to need regular haircuts, which is something I’m not really used to needing.
I mean, I love this haircut, and a lot of other people have complimented me on it, but maybe I should have waited. I mean, I’m going to barely have enough money even for things I need, so it seems a little frivolous and stupid to have to spend like 10 bucks on a haircut.
I just had a thought. I can’t remember the name of the place I go to get my haircuts so I actually don’t even know if I can afford to go there. I have a 7.99 haircut coupon to great clips, and I think I normally go to a cost cutters, but I can’t remember.
Goddammit. I should never have bought myself those 2 tee shirts and super cheap cds. I’m just a huge fucking failure who can’t possibly hope to succeed in fucking supporting myself. I knew I was never going to be able to. It’s too fucking hard. I couldn’t even handle myself when I still lived at home and didn’t have to worry about shit.
But now it’s like, I haven’t made a student loan payment in months and it will default soon because I can’t fucking afford payments. I still owe a fine on that owi I got way fucking back in 2009. Dad wants to sign my car over to me (there’s no timeframe on this as of yet), and there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to afford insurance payments. I’m surprised my parents still let me be on their family cell phone plan, because if they ever decide that I can’t be on the plan anymore, I won’t even have a fucking cell phone. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to deal with all this. I can’t go to my sibling for help because she’s a fucking spring of optimism and instead of inspiring me I just feel like shit because she is about to graduate fucking college and I haven’t even fucking finished at a shitty 2 year community college.
My life has gone nowhere and no matter what I try I just can’t handle it and I start to go fucking crazy.
I can’t really go to a shrink because even if by some miracle I was eligible for discounted/free sessions, I wouldn’t be able to afford any medications they would prescribe me. And it would cost me gas to keep driving out there all the time. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have dental insurance, my car is a piece of shit that could die on me probably at any time, I only have 3 pairs of jeans and only 1 pair really fits me right now, and they’ve about seen their last day, so what happens when those break? I have to allot all of my unemployment to rent and bills with nothing left over, how the fuck am I going to pay for a 30 dollar pair of jeans, at the lowest? I can’t even fucking afford to ship my mom her mother’s day present and it barely weighs anything